part 1 ~ late january 2019

sana is home.
and momo is far from home.

~

or: hana has whisked momo off to okinawa and momo finally opens up to her sister about her relationship with sana

this place is truly beautiful.

momo marvels at the perfectly blue sky. a few wispy clouds gather together high above her head as the sun seems to be moving quickly beyond its zenith and toward dusk. she marvels at the sea with its surface so crystal clear - like a mirror - that she can see all the way to the bottom. momo thinks of hana's words when they had set off on this trip (a monument of scenic beauty, momorin~) and concedes that hana had indeed promised her this, one of the most beautiful spots in all of japan. she is so very grateful.

she finds a wooden stick and digs it into the wet sand, begins idly to trace figures onto the beach as though onto paper. randomly at first, without conscious thought, until letters start to take shape; letters that then start forming words, names, and momo catches herself just as the next wave laps at the sand beneath her feet and washes the familiar name away.

for a moment, all momo can hear is the wind in her ears and her heartbeat pulsing quickly as if to match. her eyes are trained onto the sand. something clenches in her chest, something an awful lot like longing. something that pulls her back home across the sea, back to korea, back t-

then hana's voice rings from somewhere beside her and momo's head snaps up: her sister has returned, refreshments in hands.

"are you okay?"

hana is close. her feet tread so lightly that momo thinks she would have missed her return altogether had she not spoken up - a dancer's feet - or maybe it is the wind, still catching in her ears. whatever it is, momo is aware that something about her must have exposed her turmoil to hana's eyes. her sister is nothing if not perceptive. something about her form or her face must have already given the answer away before hana has even posed the question.

still, her sister repeats herself, even tags on an addendum that momo wishes her own careless hand hadn't so freely invited. she wishes the sea had washed away any evidence of her moment of weakness before hana had had the chance to witness it.

"are you okay? is sana okay?"

and momo's heart is leaping, rushing, all but drowning out the wind in a turbulent race.

she drops the wooden stick from her hand. hana's eyes flicker down to where it lands by momo's feet, where just moments before sana's name had adorned this sandy cape.

what is she supposed to say now, momo wonders, that won't readily invite further questioning?

because it has been weeks, months even, since her family has last seen sana and all they have had since then to rely on were momo's words and momo's texts and neither of the two has ever implied any strain or any shift in the girls' bond. hana thinks back and cannot recall anything at all that would explain now (to hana at least) the expression she had just observed on her sister's face as she had watched momo etch sana's name into the sand so very earnestly.

so what is momo supposed to say now?

she swallows. her eyes skid from hana's face to the drinks her sister is still holding in her hands.

her family asking after sana is absolutely nothing new. they ask about all her fellow members because - in spirit at least - it seems that all their families have adopted all twice members as their own children.

(twice has forged a whole new family, a bigger family that extends beyond blood, language, and borders)

but to the hirai family, sana will always be sana, will always hold a special place in momo's life (heart) and therefore she is special to them as well. so hana asking after sana is absolutely nothing new. it should not leave momo feeling terribly parched and yet it does.

the last time momo remembers when was this dry, she had stood in her childhood bedroom making a promise to her parents she would eventually end up breaking.

we miss them, her father had said and momo knew then, had agreed - in spite of knowing - with a smile on her face to return again soon and bring along one of the other girls. and even though the words had never actually passed her mother's lips, momo knew, could read the unspoken words in her eyes.

we miss her.

her.

sana.

and momo had felt her heart shrivel at her own cowardice in that moment. it had been years since sana had visited momo's home, had managed to worm her way into her parents' hearts as quickly and effortlessly as she had done with momo's own heart. so much had changed since these early trainee years. and yet momo had known and smiled and promised.

when she eventually returned, in the first cold season of the new year, she brought nayeon along. because it was easier like this. wrapped in a warm jacket and with her nose buried in a thick handmade scarf, momo steeled herself against the wind and the disappointment it seemed to carry on its back.

because it was easier like this.

because nayeon had been wanting to go to japan outside of their schedule for the longest time.

because nayeon wasn't sana.

so she brought nayeon along and her parents welcomed her with warm smiles and open arms. no one uttered a single ill word and yet momo still found herself flinch under her mother's watchful gaze, felt her father's eyes on her so much heavier than ever before. at the end of their visit, he pulled her into his arms and whispered we love you and don't make us wait too long. and once again momo smiled and promised...

... all the while momo's heart was breaking through her chest, crying out for her not to leave in the first place...

... kyoto

... the warmth of her father's embrace

... seoul

home

on the way to the airport, she leaned her forehead against the cold glass of the window and waited in vain for the tension to leave her body. her head was pounding, b with confusion over what exactly she had promised this time. she had a headache.

and barely a few short weeks later, they are here.

yet another airport, yet another plane.

hana has whisked momo straight off to miyako island as soon as momo touched ground in japan. sister bonding time, hana called it and momo couldn't help but smile, just a little. except that hana has always been able to tell when a smile did not quite reach momo's eyes, has always been able to see right through her. and right now, momo is not really here.

it is not the first time that hana has noticed her sister being absent-minded.

momo fiddles with the ring she wears on her right hand a lot as she tunes out (more so than usual), twists it around on her finger, her thumb over the silver band that shines under the okinawa sun.

hana has noticed. the ring. it is a new ring, she thinks. it is also a very pretty ring. expensive looking. hana has the urge to ask where she got it.

she doesn't.

instead, she snaps her eyes up to her sister's face, waiting. trusting.
often, a little time could go a long way, hana has learned.

momo is looking at her with her big eyes solemn and her lips pressed together in a tight pout. silent. then she nods and it seems almost like a movement that she cannot control, tiny little jerks in quick succession. when she stops, eventually, something seems to happen to her body. like she is coming out of a trance.

"she is," momo replies, and then louder, "we are ... okay. we're finally okay," and the words escape on a sigh, a visible one that seems to loosen momo's shoulders as though she can now finally let go of some nameless tension that she has been carrying up until now.

hana watches momo's body sink into the sand and a smile rise on her cheeks. her legs fold under her body and her dress spreads around her like a wave of blue fabric. she looks like she is becoming one with the sea and hana is startled by the intensity of the moment. something seems to change in that one instant, something that hana cannot quite put her finger on.

(a decision being made)

momo's fists unfurl at her sides as the last bit of tension seems to wash away and she stretches her right hand up toward hana: the ring hana was studying just minutes ago glints in the setting sunlight.

"it's a promise ring."

momo's cheeks color like the pink sky above them.

"we promised ourselves to each other.
sana and i."

and just like that it all suddenly clicks for hana. flashes of momo and sana - together - flicker across the back of her mind (she feels like she is watching a jigsaw finally falling into place after seven years of intricate work) all the way from when they were trainees and momo brought sana home for the first time after mere months.
hana remembers walking into her sister's room in the morning and finding sana's bed empty, the two girls tangled together under momo's blankets instead. every touch, every hug, every look they have ever shared suddenly seems more significant. it seems, to hana, like all this time she has been catching glimpses of a tentative love story in the making and she is now finally bearing witness to the culmination...

... the happy ending

hana sinks down onto the sand next to momo, grappling for her hands.

"you're in love with sana."

it's not a question. it's a statement.
an indisputable fact that needs no further confirmation.

still, momo nods. yes.

"i've loved her for almost seven years." she chuckles. her eyes drift down to her ring for just a moment before she looks up to meet hana's eyes. "it's just that it's taken us years to realize that our love is more than just the love shared between two best friends."

it has never been one of momo's greatest strengths to talk about her emotions, hana knows that. as adept as she has always been at telling what momo was thinking, getting her to verbalize it was a whole other story. yet right now, in this very moment, momo is an open book to her. and what hana can read is so exquisite, so pure and delicate, that hana finds herself overcome with a feeling she cannot recall ever experiencing before

she takes momo's hand, the one on which sana's ring twinkles proudly, in-between both of hers and pulls momo closer.
whispers, "you and sana have always had something very, very special," because words seem to fail her at the enormity of this moment.

this moment seems deserving of stillness.

her baby sister is in love. may be as good as engaged. hana's heart swells with affection and she flings her arms around momo in a sudden burst of pride and love. they topple down into the sand but momo doesn't seem to mind. trapped beneath her sister, she all but melts into hana's embrace.

"i am so so happy for you, babygirl."

momo squeezes her back, smiles into her shoulder. feels the cool sand beneath her body and thinks of home. thinks of sana. thinks of a fateful night that previous summer when their future finally caught up with them. that one late night in japan, their heads and bodies heavy with sake and red wine and exhaustion and their backs sticking together under the broken ac unit. the unfamiliar familiarity of the moment that gave them both a sudden burst of courage and momo remembers sliding her hand under sana's shirt and the sheen of sweat beneath her fingers, the taste of salt down sana's throat. she also remembers all the weeks that followed with momo fretting over that final line they had now crossed, uncertain and afraid whether sana would leave her now for good.

then, she yearned, she ached at the memory of sana's lips on her lips, on her neck, on her chest; sana's lips everywhere and momo reduced to mere whimpers.

now, she yearns for sana, plain and simple. simply all of her. to be back in her arms. to feel her warmth. to hear her sweet voice again.

"come on," hana's voice pulls her out of her thoughts and momo blinks. hana's face swims into focus above her. pushing up from the ground, hana gets to her feet and surveys the far stretch of land up ahead.
"let's walk a bit and see if we can find a good spot to watch the rest of the sunset." she shakes the sand from the dress and extends her hand to momo, waiting, beckoning.

momo looks up at hana and thinks that this is how it always has been: hana as the older sister leading and momo, the younger of the two, following, trusting implicitly. it's how it should be and she is grateful for this. for hana and for their bond. so she reaches up and links her hand with her sister's, pulls herself up by their combined strength, and falls into step with hana.

FIN