Seungcheol couldn't breathe properly. He felt the same sensation coming back for the umpteenth time this month. That pain in his chest, the pain that was squeezing his throat. That feeling of dying that kills him internally and psychologically. 

He tried as best as he could to finish the lyrics of the second song of the evening, his rap sounding painfully out of his mouth. He was choking between each word. All the members were looking at him worried because they knew what was happening.
They knew that at any minute now the leader was going to lose control. 

The staff was already ready to evacuate him from the stage. And when the song was finally finished and everything went black for a few seconds, he was helped to descend the steps of it as he immediately fell to the ground.

"I can't breathe."he opened his T-shirt collar because of the oppression that he felt which was too strong. He clung to the ground as he felt dizzy. 

"Seungcheol,stay with us, you have to breathe. Slowly" said the manager as the eldest was carried to a small couch in the hallway. 

"I can't, I can't," hiccupped Seungcheol as he tried to find air. He grabbed his head in his hands as he leaned forward. Tears dripped down his cheeks. He squeezed his hands on his hair as he began to sob. 

"Why am I like this, huh? I'm going to die! "he had become hysterical against himself as the pain in him continued to grow.
"I don't want to die," he said, holding his chest firmly against his chest pain.

"But no, you're not going to die, you're having a panic attack. You have to try to find a suitable breathing to calm down. "A doctor was already there, and had started to pull out an oxygen mask to help the leader breathe. 

"I don't want to. I'm fine. I'm fine. "he shouted as he pushed back violently.

"No, you are not Seungcheol put it on! "everyone around him got busy trying to calm him down as he became uncontrollable. This feeling of losing control, of dying drove him crazy.
We finally managed to put on the mask on him as he slumped on the couch because of fatigue and the lack of air. 

"Good, breathe, slowly " reassured him a staff member as the doctor checked his fast pulse, which showed that he had tachycardia. "We're going to have to take him to the hospital for tests. "warned the man as one of the staff members went to get an ambulance. 

A few minutes later it was Jeonghan who came out of the stage completely exhausted. They helped him to walk to go to the rest room but he had to pass in front of Seungcheol and the rest of the staff in the corridor.
He was with the mask on his face, his eyes closed, someone was next to him to fan him. This vision broke his heart.

"Jeonghan, come on, we have the situation under control. "said the second manager, pressing him to not to worry about the older one. 

"But I want to see him quickly, please" asked the angel in a small voice to convince him.

"It's not going to get any better for him if he sees you're not well either. "Jeonghan didn't answer because he had already gone to see his friend, the manager sighed because of the young boy's disobedience.

"Jeonghan, what are you doing here? You should go rest until the concert is over. We'll give you vitamins. "another person stopped him in his tracks but he ignored it.

"I'm just going to reassure him. "he needed because an ambulance driver had just arrived with his equipment to drive him to the car. His crisis was beginning to calm down, but it had been going on for about 15 minutes.

He knelt before Seungcheol who had put his head back between his knees to hear his breath and concentrate on it. Jeonghan gently his back as the leader raised his head towards him recognizing the hand of his friend.
He began to remove his mask to speak briefly:
"Are you sick? "worried the latter, but Jeonghan prevented him from doing it, putting his hand on the mask to stop him. 

"You don't need to talk. I'm just tired. Everything's gonna be fine. » 

Seungcheol looked at the two bright eyes in front of him. It was quite relaxing because Jeonghan synchronized his breathing with his to help him. The angel found the words to reassure him and calm him down a little more. 

"We have to go," warns the paramedic by placing his hand on the shoulder of the second oldest. Jeonghan nodded as he gently his friend's hair of the same age.
"It's going to be all right. We will see each other later »

He grabbed Seungcheol's hand and gently squeezed it by the back of it with his thumb briefly. He gave him one last look of encouragement before he was taken to rest and the leader was evacuated.

---•••

The next day a meeting took place when the group returned to Seoul. The CEO asked to see all thirteen of them to discuss the situation. They were really afraid of what would happen next and entered the room anxiously and silently. 

They were all gathered around the big table, which had been used many times until now for making important decisions, important for the future of the group. Seungcheol still didn't look well, he didn't speak, he was pale, the dark circles so present under his eyes. He had passed a lot of tests that night to come to one conclusion:

"I received the report from the doctor who identified anxiety symptoms. An advanced state of anxiety that affects his health. "explained the CEO as the members didn’t knew what to say. They looked at the leader who was trying to look good, but the attention that he received became synonymous with stress.

"So we're going to have to make a decision, all together to fix this. I'm ready to let Seungcheol take a break. He can take as long as it takes to recover. But with your agreement, of course, to you and the main interested. "he turned his eyes to look at the leader who seemed to be thinking hard.

"What do you think, Seungcheol? "asked the CEO.

He had difficulty swallowing his saliva because of the stress.

"I... I want to stay with you we're on tour. I can't just leave you like this. "negative answers came in return for his words. 

"Hyung, there is no "abandonment". Your health comes first. "corrected him gently Soonyoung. 

"We need you in good health, hyung. You need a little rest. "said Seungkwan in a worried voice.

Everyone started talking to convince him but he was focusing on Jeonghan who had not yet opened his mouth, since he was sick. He saw that he was biting his cheek, he wanted to know what he was thinking. 

"And you, Jeonghan? You're the second oldest, we need your words. What do you think about that? I know you're not feeling well right now, too. Do you think you'll be able to continue and take care of your dongsaengs during his break ? "The CEO must have heard Seungcheol's thoughts, since Jeonghan finally spoke.

"I think the group will follow me on what I'm going to say. We want him to take a break. We don't want to see him like this anymore. He has been hurting himself for several weeks and he is hurting us because we are very worried about him. You need to get away from all this for a little while. In my case, I'm going to recover slowly. It's just a blood pressure decrease and a lot of fatigue. I'll take care of the others, I promise you, Seungcheol, you don't have to worry. You can take a break in peace. "he looked directly into the elder's eyes to make him hear this last sentence. 

"Seungcheol? "finally said the CEO to conclude the conversation.
"Okay ... " sighed the leader.

"Well, I think it's best for you. We'll set up a psychological follow-up so that you can recover as soon as possible. You can stay in the dormitory if you wish. "And that's what Seungcheol wanted for now. 

The return to the dormitory was in complete silence. Everyone could hardly believe the decision they had just made. That same evening, they all gathered in the living room while Seungcheol wanted to say a few words before they left. The members were to leave early tomorrow morning to go to Bangkok and then go to Vietnam for the AAA ceremony. He wouldn't see them for at least five days.

"I'm sorry for not coming with you guys. I did everything I could to keep it going as long as I could. But I don't think I can do that anymore. I feel like my head doesn't want to follow sometimes. I know you will do very well without me, just be careful with each other. I know you're all tired, I think we all deserve a break, but we got into this world tour and we're going to blow their minds. But for now, the adventure is on break for me. I hope you'll bring me a Vietnamese trophy, even if it's not a Daesang. » 

"We're going to miss you, hyung.. We wanted this to end differently» spoke the maknae while the others approved.

"I'm going to miss you too. I wish it hadn't come to that conclusion too, but unfortunately a career faces difficult challenges that we will overcome together. »

"Yes" said enthusiastically all the members in response to their leader before they had a collective hug. 

---•••

The same evening, Jeonghan knocked on the leader's door as he was watching videos on his phone in his bed. He couldn't sleep.
"What are you doing in our dorm ? Should you be at yours to sleep, Han? You're sick and you leave early in the morning. » 

"I know, but I'm worried about you. " explained the angel as he was looking at his feet. Seungcheol stopped the series he was watching before tapping on his bed so that Jeonghan would come and sit next to him, which he did. 

"You don't have to be worried about me. I'll come back okay. It's only temporary. "Seungcheol lowered his head to see Jeonghan's eyed which was not looking at him. 

"I'm more concerned about you. Do you think you're gonna be okay? I don't think you can do the concert tomorrow. » 

"I know... I'll be careful, I'll see when it happens... "The angel yawned strongly, his head still hurting as it always did this last week. Seungcheol replied with a little "okay" as a silence settled in the room. 

"It's gonna be a long five days without you. "added Jeonghan sadly, putting his head against the wall without looking at his friend. 

"We'll call each other every night, okay? Even with the time difference you can call me at night and I'll answer. "smiled Seungcheol as Jeonghan timidly returned it to him. 

"Go to sleep now it's late. You need to regain your strength. "The angel took his words into account as he approached to embrace him. The leader did not expect it so he closed his arms late on him. Jeonghan put his head on his shoulder while Seungcheol had his cheek against the youngest's head. Both felt terribly comfortable in each other's arms. 

They didn't need to talk. A few seconds later Jeonghan slowly moved away. The leader found this hug not long enough for his taste, as Jeonghan's warmth had reassured him during those few seconds. 

The angel whispered a good night to Seungcheol who cleared his throat before answering him in the same affectionate tone.

---•••

The next morning, the Twelve members had left their leader who was still sleeping in the dormitory. They was in the car on their way to the airport. The atmosphere was melancholic in the Hip Hop Unit car because someone was missing. Members had trouble realizing that the next few weeks would be without seeing the smile of Seungcheol.

At the airport, a crowd of journalists were already surrounding them in addition to fans and other fansites. Everyone wanted to see how the band was doing after the announcement of the leader's break. 

"I have a headache. There are too many people, too much noise. They are just waiting to see us to check our attitude after Cheol's departure, I'm sure some of them will take a malicious pleasure in seeing us in this state," Jeonghan sighed, as it took him a while to get out of the car. The night had not healed him, he still felt as bad as ever, he hoped that the vitamins he had been given would quickly take effect. 

"Han, come on, stop thinking like that. I'll stay next to you if you feel bad. "encouraged the American by putting his head in the car. The angel finally came out.
The two passed at the head of the convoy as Joshua checked almost every second that Jeonghan was fine. But the new oldest assured him that he was feeling better to not to worry them even more. They could lose one member but not two. And especially not the two elders, so he had to take it to himself.

---•••

The concert took place the same day and Jeonghan made the wise decision with the rest of the staff to participate only in the least difficult choreographies because he was feeling dizzy when he moved too much. The whole concert went well, the members gave everything to fill the void of the leader on stage, they offered a wonderful show to the carats as expected. This day was rather easy for the members, the lack of the leader was felt but was still small.

The next day, the grand ceremony of the Asia Artist Awards arrived. It was long but full of rewards. The members thought that the evening was over for them and that the two awards they had just won were the last ones. It was Daesang time and they thought they had little chance of winning one. They had never done it in four and a half years. 

And yet the VCR to announce the daesang of the album of the year started, and Fear's music and the fans' cries began to resonate in the place. The members were so shocked. 

 

"No, is this a joke?" Seokmin asked Jun. The Chinese couldn't believe his ears either. But everyone around them stood up as the members were pushed by a staff member to get on stage. Smiles appeared on their lips as the group arrived in front of the audience. Seungkwan took the trophy before giving it to Jihoon who introduced them with the microphone. 

He started a speech before passing the microphone to another member. The vocal leader decided to let the young ones have the spotlight on them. 

Many non-carats thought that the members did not seem to be happy about winning this prize, internally they were mixed between joy but also the pain of not having won it in the presence of the leader.

"Hyung? Are you watching us? We finally won this award ! " Seungkwan proudly said, showing the trophy to the camera as Mingyu went after him.

"Scoups hyung often talked to us about his desire to win a daesang and we did it today hyung! »
The members felt even more touched when the fans started singing "Choi Seungcheol" in the room.

In front of his screen, the leader could not contain his tears. He had waited so long for this award. He could not believe that their hard work had finally been rewarded with one of the most prestigious awards.
The boy immediately took his phone to post on the Fancafe to thanks the carats and members.
Then he sent some to their private group.
"Well done, guys, I'm proud of you. »
"Next time we'll have him all 13 of us."

The ceremony was finally over and the members finally realized what they had just experienced. Many began to cry with joy at what they had just accomplished, especially when they saw Seungcheol's messages. Jihoon was hiding in a corner to cried. He received a message from the elder to congratulate him :

"I am proud of us Hoon, it makes our 10 years of friendship and 10 years of hard work a reality. And especially yours, you're the best composer for me. Seventeen would be nothing without you. "Jihoon smiled between the drops of salt water that fell on his lips as he put his forehead against the wall. Minghao saw him and decided to come and comfort him by tapping his back. 

Jeonghan was looking at his dungsaengs crying and jumping around as he sat on the couch. He was tired again, but he felt more than happy. He had secretly shed a few tears, because he hated crying in public. 

His loneliness was interrupted when his best friend threw himself on the couch next to him. 

"So, you wish you had given up when you wanted to a few years ago? "the youngest teased.

"No, and I did the right thing. I am happy to be here with you today. "It seemed to be the answer that Joshua wanted to hear as he enthusiastically shake his hand.

Suddenly, his cell phone vibrated as the leader's name was displayed: 

"I hope you're feeling better. You were perfect for the performance tonight. I'm proud of you. "Jeonghan held tightly his cell phone in his hands before sending a simple sentence that meant everything.
"I miss you."
The answer was soon given,
"I miss you too. »

---•••

Members were eager to find the leader. They had just returned to Seoul and the cars dropped them off in front of the dormitory. They all started running towards the elder's, with the trophy in Wonwoo's hands.

"Hyung" screamed the Seventeen in the hallway in front of the door. Soonyoung finally opened it as Seungcheol waited for them with his arms crossed, a smile on his face right in front of them. Poor Scoups who received the weight of 12 members on him in 2 seconds. Everyone ends up on the ground in a giant hug, full of laughter ( and a scream of complaints from Seungkwan who was being crushed by Mingyu's weight) 

"We missed you Hyung"
"It was a long time without you"
"we wish you were here"
Many kind words came out at the same time. While Seungcheol took the time to greet each member correctly afterwards. Jihoon seemed more emotional than usual because he let it happen. 

Then Jeonghan was the last one as the other members were already starting to prepare for a big party to celebrate. The hug lasted much longer than the others and there seemed to be a different intention according to Booseoksoon who commented the scene from a distance. 

The same evening.
It was chaos.

Seokmin and Seungkwan had started a competition with the one who could drink the most. They were unbearable and had finally collapsed at the end of the 7th glass.
Jun was alone on the floor and talking... to a chair? Minghao had his glass of wine in his hand as he was taking video of everyone.

 

Seungcheol, Mingyu and Chan danced euphorically in the living room because Joshua was playing guitar. He was the only one sober to watch on the others. Wonwoo had started a video game in the middle of the living room with Jihoon. As Jeonghan and Vernon accompanied Soonyoung who was vomiting his guts in the toilet.

An almost normal evening at Seventeen's.

The members fell very quickly one after the other. Fortunately, tomorrow was a day off because many were going to have an horrible hangover. 

In the middle of the night when everyone was asleep, Jeonghan's cell phone warned him that he had received a message from Seungcheol. And fortunately the angel had heard it and had the instinct to wake up when he usually never heard his phone. His eyes frowned at the message as his heart missed a beat.
"I'm sorry. »

The second oldest, climbed the stairs at full speed to get to the dormitory above.
"No, no, no, no, that jerk didn't do that," he kept saying.
He hope that the leader was not doing what he was thinking about. Luckily the door of Seungcheol was not closed. There he was in his bed crying, a box of benzodiazepine (anxiety and insomnia medication) opened on the bedside table. 

Jeonghan ran to him before shaking him by the shoulders.
"Choi Seungcheol tell me you didn't do this" the older one didn't answer, he was spacing out.

"How much did you take ?! "exclaimed the angel in panic and angry as he grabbed his friend's arms because he wasn’t listening.

"Too much." Seungcheol said as Jeonghan began to feel his heart racing. Alcohol plus an increased intake of medication would cause an overdose. 

Jeonghan did not realize that he had started crying with worry as he forced Seungcheol to stand up. He was hoping that he would throw up the drugs before it was too late. He helped him walk to the bathroom while the eldest fell to the ground once he got in there. Jeonghan threw himself beside him before grabbing his face, gently touching his cheeks. 

"No, no, no, look at me. Cheol, hold on. I'm begging you, please. Make yourself vomit. There's still time to stop everything. "he nodded weakly in return. Jeonghan knew that Seungcheol was strong, he was searching inside himself for his last resources.

He set him up as he could on the toilet, hoping that the leader would have the strength to make himself vomit. Seungcheol put his fingers in his mouth, pressing hard on his glottis. The first time it didn't work, he just had this uncomfortable sensation that we all have when we touch it.
Jeonghan kept crying silently next to him praying that he would succeed. He had already taken his cell phone in his hands to call the emergency.

He did it again and this time it worked. A mixture of alcohol and medication burned his throat when everything came out of him. Jeonghan screamed for relief as he came straight to his back to encourage him. The second oldest eventually put his forehead against him, hugging the leader from behind, because of the fear he had looking at him in that state. 

"Why did you do that?!? Why did you do that? "Jeonghan repeated to him, sobbing against his back, tightening his arms around him as if he was clinging to his friend. They were both crying. Seungcheol finished emptying his entire stomach while both were now against the wall. The eldest was crying against Jeonghan's chest, which wrapped Seungcheol's head in his arms.

"Why?" Jeonghan was desperate to get the answer to his question, looking blankly at the wall in front of him.

---•••

They had finally got up. The angel looked at Seungcheol's every move as he brushed his teeth through the mirror. The leader whose life almost slipped into his hands half an hour ago.
Jeonghan approached him and gently pulled his wrist so that he would turn to him when he had finished. He begged him to answer his first question. 

"I'm sorry. "were the only words he found.

"I have been scared to life because of you and you're only sorry? Seungcheol, you tried to kill yourself. Why?! Why?! Have you about about us? About your family? Carats? "Jeonghan wanted to make him realize what he had just done, so he was speaking to him sharply. Above all, he had been very afraid for his friend.  

"I couldn't take it anymore. The other night during your performance you were doing so well without me. The image of the group was perfect. I am just an incompetent among all of you. I'm weak and ugly, I'm not even able to maintain my health and attend all the concerts. "

Jeonghan was very shocked with what he had just said. Yet the leader was the first to protect others by telling them not to listen to critics and haters.

"Have you read the comments? "Jeonghan touched the elder's chin to lift his head up.

"Seungcheol how many times we told the group to never read the comments. The haters just take the chance to hurt us every time they had the opportunity. They're just jealous and like to hurt others. We must not fall into their game. "the angel's voice softens so that the leader can hear his words. 

"I know. I was drunk. And it has increased my intentions. I should never have done that Han. "He grabbed Jeonghan's hand and the angel let it happen. The younger one came a little closer with this gesture. 

"Please promise me it won't happen again. Suicide is not a solution. We can't imagine our group without you. My life without you either. "The former long-haired boy put his other hand on Seungcheol's cheek.  The leader let out a sincere smile. 

"I can't imagine my life without you either. It was the longest five days of my life. I realized a lot of things when you weren't there." He whispered to him because of their proximity. 

Jeonghan waited for the next as his eyes alternated between Seungcheol's gaze and his mouth when he spoke. 

"I missed you but in a different way than the others. And that distance made me realize all of this. I don't know if you s-" Jeonghan had not listened to the end of the sentence, his heart had spoken before. His lips rested on the lips of his elder, while he moved them slowly. Seungcheol interlocked his fingers with Jeonghan's in the kiss. It was so sweet. 

Their lips separated after a few seconds as the angel kept his forehead against Seungcheol’s forehead.

He laughed melodiously. "I don't think I can be more explicit in how I feel about you," joked the youngest as Seungcheol gave a quick kiss on Jeonghan's laughing mouth. 

"We should go to bed. I can already feel the headache coming. "The angel walked Seungcheol to his room without letting go of his hand. The leader first entered the room as Jeonghan's hand separated from his. 

"Have a good night," whispered the youngest to Seungcheol, who made a plaintive face when he saw Jeonghan leaving for his dorm. 

"Where are you going? Stay here and sleep with me. "he grabbed the angel's hand again to force him into the room. 

"I never sleep with the person on our first date. "Jeonghan teased as the eldest was pouting. 

"I have known better as a first date," says Seungcheol, referring to what had just happened minutes ago. Jeonghan's smiling face suddenly became sad again.

"Me too. I've known better. But everything never goes as planned. Life is full of unexpected things that need to be overcome. And if we're all together, nothing will stop us. » 

 

"You could have been a good leader Babe. "said the eldest, passing his two arms around the waist of his new boyfriend. 

"I don't think so. Choi Seungcheol is the best. "Jeonghan whispered a few centimeters from the leader's lips. The latter had a slight smirk before grabbing the youngest's lips again, leading to a slightly more passionate kiss. 

"And now you're going to tell me that you don't have on the first date. "teased Seungcheol by letting go of Jeonghan's lips.

"Um, maybe. It depends of the person in front of me. "Jeonghan replied smiling malignantly, he bit Seungcheol's lip in the kiss. "But the proposal seems rather interesting. " said sensually the angel. 

Seungcheol quickly understood. He hugged Jeonghan against him as he pushed the bedroom door with his hand to close it, leaving a final view of the new couple's fiery kiss. No one will never know what exactly happened behind that door. 😶