"Baby, believe me,

And you had every chance,

You destroy everything that you know.

Uncontrollable,

If you don't need me,

Just let me go."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: yay angst, yay Grimes

Sometimes she wishes there were street lights she could watch out there on the highway, just like Joohyun had talked about. Seulgi thinks she’s right. There is something beautiful in them. Something inexplicable. Standing behind the counter she watches a couple random videos on her laptop. Perhaps it’s not what she’s supposed to be doing but no one’s been in for hours and the sun’s coming up soon and her shift is almost over. She’s smiling already, humming to herself. She’s been smiling for five weeks straight. When the Lamborghini pulls up outside she’s still smiling.

‘Hey,’ Joohyun says, hand on the door a moment later.

‘Hi.’

‘Am I late?’

Seulgi glances at her watch. ‘A couple minutes,’ she says. ‘As usual.’

‘Sorry.’

‘It’s fine. I’m used to it by now.’

‘You wanna go for a drive?’

‘Sure.’

She locks up and closes and jumps into the Countach and they set off. It’s the same as every night, a sort of ritual between them that she’s come to adore almost as much as Joohyun. It’s where they can be themselves, no talking required, watching the roads fly by and dissolve behind them, the synthetic shoplights bounce off the white hood of the car, nothing but the sound of the engine. The blinding lights and that roar and the two of them smiling. Where the silence speaks louder still. Five weeks like this. Her head is still a mess. It’s been that way ever since that night at the disco club and the kiss they shared and everything that followed. One minutes it’s been: What am I doing? Is this even real.

Then it’s: I love her. I love her so much.

Then it’s back to the beginning. Everything starting once more. Whenever Joohyun’s not around it’s thoughts of Joohyun, it’s Seulgi not being able to see clearly when she’s gone, and in truth perhaps it’s a little unhealthy or a lot unhealthy but she ignores the possibility of that. It’s just Joohyun Joohyun Joohyun. No Irene. No Seungwan. No anything else. The Lambo hits overdrive down a long street and stops at the intersection ahead while they wait for the lights and Joohyun says softly, ‘I’ve got something I need to tell you.’

‘What is it?’

There’s hesitation before she speaks. A sort of trepid pause. ‘I might not be able to do this for a while,’ she says.

‘Do what?’

‘This.’

‘Go driving?’

‘See you.’

‘What?’ Seulgi says. ‘What do you mean?’

She turns to Joohyun but Joohyun’s still watching the road, eyes on the lights, twinned amber and then green in her distant eyes. It’s a look Seulgi’s seen before, a faraway glare that she’s come to know all too well in their intimacy, and it tells her that Joohyun is hiding something. There’s something she would rather not say. That aching wanderlust. A desire for things to be different than the way they truly are. Then she says, in a voice barely her own, ‘I don’t how much I can see you for a while.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘With all the media for Stargirl ramping up, there’ll be more cameras on me than usual. I don’t just mean in interviews and on red carpets. I mean everywhere. I need to get away for a while. They’ll be all over me.’

‘Why does that mean you can’t see me?’

Joohyun is quiet. She refuses to answer. It occurs very suddenly to Seulgi that at the end of the day she is still a celebrity, still one of Korea’s biggest stars, and no amount of Joohyun this, Joohyun that, ice cream and disco balls and synth pop will change that. She’ll still be Bae Irene, still the same. The truth is harsher still. Joohyun turns off right down a dark and colourless avenue and the thin rows of neon clublights roll past the window like torpid reflections and vanish behind them. ‘I can’t,’ she says quietly. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘What do you mean? Joohyun.’

‘I can’t be seen with anyone else. You know how it is in this country. You know it gets.’

‘What does that mean.’

‘I can’t have them taking pictures of us together. In case it gets out. In case they start making stories out of it. And they will. I know they will. They’re like that.’

‘Why does it matter?’ Seulgi says, voice a slight louder now. She’s not argumentative and Joohyun knows it but the threat is there and the tension following. ‘I’m not a celebrity,’ she continues. ‘Why would they even care? Who would even care? They don’t care for non-celebrities. No stories to be made there.’

‘It’s not that.’

‘Then what?’

The reply doesn’t come for a long time. Nothing does. Only the city cold and empty going by at a hundred kilometres per hour. Dreamlike visions passing. Seulgi thinks again perhaps this is still all a dream. The past five weeks have not existed at all. And life as she sees it is just about cruel enough to make that a real and dangerous possibility. ‘Joohyun,’ she says, almost a whisper. Joohyun isn’t crying and Seulgi has never seen her cry, but the glimmer in her eyes is glassy and refusing to make eye contact and it’s in that windowbound gaze she realises it’s the same look as whenever Joohyun talks about wishing to be someone else for a day. When she rues the idea of being a celebrity. As if Bae Irene is no more a blessing than it is a curse.

‘Joohyun. Tell me why.’

‘Because you’re a girl,’ Joohyun says.

‘What?’

‘That’s how it is. I’m sorry. I really am.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I can’t be seen with you because you’re a girl. I can’t have them writing stories about that. For both of our sakes. You know what people would say, even now.’

‘Are you serious? That’s why?’

‘Seulgi.’

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘Seulgi—’

‘Are you trying to say you’re embarrassed to be seen with me?’

‘No,’ Joohyun says with a sigh.

Seulgi continues. It’s dumb and presumptuous and if she’s being honest with herself a little childish but her emotions take over and she piles it on. ‘Joohyun,’ she says. ‘Tell me why you can’t be seen with me in public.’

‘It’s for both of us.’

‘I don’t care. I don’t even care. I want to be seen with you.’

‘We can’t. Think about what they would say.’

‘They wouldn’t care either.’

‘I can’t take that risk. Neither of us can.’

‘What did I just say? I just said I don’t care.’

‘That’s easy to say now,’ Joohyun replies, hands tight on the steeringwheel. She still won’t look at Seulgi properly. As if the thought of it is too hard to bear. ‘But what about a month from now? Or six. Think about that.’

‘I am thinking about it. And I think I don’t care.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘That’s bull. It’s bull and you know it.’

Joohyun doesn’t say anything and nor does Seulgi. The truth is she doesn’t know if it’s bull or not. Perhaps Joohyun has a point. Perhaps not. It doesn’t matter. Nothing else seems to matter but the moment. After a while Joohyun turns the car down another long street and says with a forced smile, ‘Let’s just drop it for now. Just talk about something else.’

‘Like what? What else is there to talk about? You can’t just drop something like that on me out of nowhere.’

‘Look, I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry.’

‘For what?’

Joohyun sighs. Low in the sky the sun has begun to slowly rise. And with it comes the end of the night, of their shared space away from the rest of the world, everything it means for them, and if there’s any symbolism in that Seulgi knows she’ll pick up on it later, but for now it’s all trying to hold back tears and balling her fists in her lap hard enough to make them red and biting her lip. The crying almost comes. Joohyun won’t look at her. She smiles out the window and pulls the car into the parkinglot at Yeri’s diner and cuts the engine. ‘Here we are,’ she says. ‘What time is it?’

‘Half five,’ Seulgi says without looking at her watch.

‘You hungry?’

‘I’m tired.’

At that Joohyun finally looks at her. There’s something about her face that’s off, something wrong that Seulgi can’t quite put her finger on. It’s painful and unusual and she hates the sight of it but what else can she do but sit there? What is there to say? Upon closer retrospection the truth is probably closer to what Joohyun has said than what Seulgi wishes. They can’t be seen together, for Joohyun’s sake more than Seulgi’s, but the fact remains. Not with the movie so close to release. ‘Hey,’ Joohyun says.

‘What?’

‘There’s this party I’m going to this weekend on Sunday for the release. I figured I’d bring you along, if you wanted.’

‘As your tag-along?’

‘Not quite.’

‘Then what?’

To that Joohyun makes no reply. It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Suddenly it all comes rushing up to Seulgi far too fast, hard enough to make her head spin. She feels violently sick. Has Joohyun ever said I love you? Seulgi has, that much is for certain. Said it many a time. But the reciprocation is mired and distant, if it even exists at all, and yet confronting this seems almost impossible. Seulgi’s meekness extends into everything. So eventually she can only manage to say, ‘What is it?’

‘Just a release party with the cast and crew and a couple others. At this place downtown. You’ll like it.’

‘I don’t think I will. It’s not my sort of thing.’

‘You don’t have to be their long. But I have to go, and I want you to come. I want you to be there with me.’

She thinks about it. It’s pointless to do so, especially now, because any time spent with Joohyun is time Seulgi knows she’ll take, claw at if she has to. And the balance has been altered irreparably in the past half an hour. ‘Okay,’ she says quietly. ‘Sure.’

‘I’ll pick you up around seven.’

‘Okay.’

‘You want something to eat?’

Seulgi shakes her head. ‘I’m not hungry,’ she says. ‘I kind of just want to go home and sleep.’

‘Okay,’ Joohyun says, voice soft and reassuring. But it’s an empty comfort, and Seulgi’s tears are still close, and her hands are trembling in her lap. She’s cold and afraid and it’s the unknown she’s afraid of. What comes next in her own life and what comes in theirs and whether there even is a “theirs.” Whether there ever has been. But it’s hard to say anything. Joohyun drives her home in silence. The long incline of the sun greets them in cold surprise. A mellow wind blows. Seulgi thinks about a great many things to say. Thinks: Maybe if you didn’t want to draw attention to yourself or to me you should stop driving around in a ing Lamborghini. Maybe you should stop being so selfish. Maybe you should think about what I want.

Thinks also: Have you said it? Can you even say it? Do you love me?

‘Here,’ Joohyun says, the engine still idling.

‘Thanks. I’ll see you later.’

‘I can’t come visit tonight. I’ve got some stuff I’ve got to work over.’

‘In the middle of the night?’

Joohyun nods, one hand on the wheel. She leans over with a smile and cups Seulgi’s face and kisses her. ‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘I’ll see you on Sunday.’

‘At seven.’

‘I’ll text. I know you’re forgetful sometimes.’

It’s a joke that doesn’t land. Seulgi sits and pulls her in and kisses her again. She savours the taste, the smell. Sandalwood and jasmine tang of that perfume, rare and a little exotic and off kilter and so good, so very Joohyun. Forget Irene. Forget all that. She pulls back and says, ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

But Seulgi never hears it. She’s halfway out the car and her mind is racing and things aren’t adding up and it all hurts and Joohyun said I love you but does it matter if Seulgi missed it, and if Seulgi missed it was it even really said at all? She’s never said it, Seulgi thinks. She doesn’t love me. Never has. Your fault for getting so in over your head. For thinking it’s something it’s not.

It isn’t until she’s inside and clear of Joohyun that she starts to cry.

She’s wearing a dress for the first time in as long as she can remember on Sunday and it feels terrible. Not the dress nor the makeup, but the anticipation. The waiting. Not knowing what comes ahead. Joohyun texts her two minutes late. She goes out and Joohyun’s already there waiting, scissor door raised high, smiling at her. She’s still wearing her leather jacket and the déjà vu hits Seulgi like nothing else.

‘You look incredible,’ she says.

‘Thanks.’

‘Seriously. Amazing.’

‘Thanks,’ Seulgi says again shyly, and for a brief moment the genuine compliment wrestles her away from thoughts of more troubling things. Joohyun just stares at her. Standing there on the kerb by the Lamborghini Seulgi feels the anger welling inside her. Thinking: If you didn’t want to be seen with me, what’s all this? Why are you not being secretive right now? People are watching and you don’t care. Was it all just a way to get me to go away? Was it?

Instead she says, ‘Are we going?’

‘Yeah. We can do.’

‘Where is it?’

‘Just this fancy hall in Gangnam.’

‘Who’s going to be there?’

‘Couple famous people. Some of my co-stars. People like that.’

‘Am I going to feel out of place?’

‘Why would you?’ Joohyun asks, but the answer is obvious. Seulgi is that sort of person. It’s why working at a gas station is so maddening to her, because it reminds her that her desire for real connection is roadblocked by the truth that she hates feeling insecure in her own skin and being around others makes her feel just that. It’s a cold and wretched truth and Joohyun knows her well enough now to realise that as well. She leans over and Seulgi’s rosetinted cheek and smiles a proud and warm smile. ‘You’re amazing,’ she says. ‘Thank you for agreeing to come with me.’

‘Any time.’

‘I mean it.’

‘So do I,’ Seulgi admits. Joohyun leans in and kisses her and starts the car and drives away. The streets lie restless against the bleeding sun. Neon flickers by like paint. It’s all neon to Seulgi, all awash with it. Twinned in her welling eyes the gleam of a full neon world. She thinks and thinks and thinks. Do you love me? Have you said it? Do you want me at all? Did you ever? Was I just a welcome distraction from your own life? Is that it? Why are you bringing along if you’re going to never want to see me again?

When they arrive it’s just as Joohyun said it would be. They pull up and go in arm in arm and Joohyun introduces her to her friends and co-workers. It’s a grand hall dolled up like a convention, glimmering chandeliers and retro synth music and fancy champagne. They all call her Irene because that’s who she is to them. It’s Seulgi that’s the odd one out. She smiles and shakes their hands when Joohyun introduces her as a friend.

‘This is Seulgi,’ she says. ‘A friend of mine.’

They say nice to meet you, you look great, things like that. The director says it’s good to meet her at last, to put a face to the stories. Seulgi doesn’t question that. If she were better with crowds she might. Instead she smiles and nods and says, ‘Thank you. Nice to meet you.’

By eleven she’s almost crying again. Joohyun’s talking and laughing with one of the other male leads and they’re a little drunk and so is Seulgi and it hurts more that way. Everything is too bright. The lights are blinding. She lives for the night but it’s the night alone, or shared with Joohyun and Joohyun only, it’s their nocturnal wanderlust, their gas station ice cream and their disco synths. It isn’t this. This isn’t her. What remains is the shell of a person, flesh without blood. She leans over and offers a fake smile that Joohyun immediately sees right through. ‘I’ll be back in a bit,’ she says.

The expression on Joohyun’s face is sour and full of genuine concern. ‘What’s wrong?’ she says softly. The glass of golden champagne in her hand shines in the low pink light.

‘I’ve just got a headache. I’m going to go get some fresh air.’

‘I’ll come with you.’

‘No, it’s okay. I’ll be back in a couple minutes.’

‘Seulgi—’

‘It’s okay,’ she says with a smile that isn’t there at all. She excuses herself again and nudges past a couple people on the way out into the parkinglot. Rows of fairylights dance about by the door arch as she leaves and the wall of cold she walks into has her fighting to stop shivering in her strapless dress. All the world seethes in the dark. She turns her face up to the moon and wipes her eyes and tries to calm down but it’s impossible. Her emotions have gotten the better of her again. It’s an all too common occurrence in her life, with or without Joohyun. In quiet moments of reflection she tells herself it’s the reason she’s never really amounted to anything, too sensitive and scared of dipping a foot in the water. Standing on the precipice and teetering precariously she’d rather turn and walk away than plunge headfirst into the dark. Safety is comfortable. The future is not, and never will be.

A hand on her bare shoulder makes her flinch. It’s warmer than the night but she’s painfully on edge. ‘Hey,’ Joohyun said, face twisted in worry. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. I just had to get some fresh air.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Seulgi. Are you okay?’

She spends a long time thinking about what to say next. What should come out and what no doubt will and how different those two things will be. Then she says, ‘This. All of this.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s not me. It’s not me at all.’

‘Seulgi.’

‘I mean it. All this, these people, I don’t fit in here. And I don’t mean because they’re rich and famous or whatever else. I don’t mean any of that. I’m an outcast, an outsider. Doesn’t matter where I go, or what I do. I’ll always be that. That’s just part of who I am. And sometimes I really wish it wasn’t.’

Joohyun only looks at her, eyes sympathetic and understanding.

‘I’m sorry, Joohyun.’

‘It’s okay.’

‘I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to embarrass you in there.’

‘You didn’t embarrass me,’ Joohyun says. ‘Why would you think that?’

‘Why did you call me your friend?’

‘What?’

A pause. She glances out at the parkinglot. The streets, the night, the neon. Here it is. Feet perched on the edge, gazing down into the void. Jump, Seulgi. Just jump.

‘Is that all I am to you?’ she says. ‘Is that all we are? Just friends.’

‘Seulgi—’

‘Is it.’

Joohyun is silent. Then she sighs and says, ‘I didn’t mean anything by it.’

‘Did you not stop and think about how I felt when you said that?’

‘Is that what this is about?’

‘Are we just friends? Joohyun. Are we?’

‘No. Of course not.’

‘Do you love me?’

‘Of course I love you,’ Joohyun says.

‘Why do you want to get away from me?’

‘What? Why are you—’

‘What you said the other day, about not seeing me anymore.’

‘I said it would only be for a short time. For a couple weeks. Maybe not even that.’

‘That’s bull. You didn’t mean that at all.’

‘Seulgi, please.’

‘Do you love me?’

‘What’s gotten into you?’

She’s crying now. That careful balancing act on the edge of despair is long behind her. The night darkens and the void grows wider. And the neon shines on, a terrible beauty to it. ‘I love you,’ she whimpers. ‘I love you, Joohyun. Maybe I shouldn’t. It’s been, what? A month? Six weeks? A bit longer than that. And yet, here I am. Maybe it’s because I don’t ever get to talk to anyone. I don’t even know anymore. But here I am.’

‘We should go back inside.’

‘Why? In case someone’s watching?’

‘Seulgi—’

‘No. If we’re going to talk, I want to talk here. Right now.’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘Anything. Anything at all.’

‘I love you,’ Joohyun says. ‘But it’s more complicated than that. A lot more complicated.’

‘No it isn’t.’

‘You’re being irrational.’

‘Irrational,’ Seulgi scoffs. She takes a second to wipe her eyes. Part of her wants to reach forward and pull Joohyun to her and kiss her and make it all go away, but she’s spent her entire life trying to making things go away. Burying it has gotten her nowhere. ‘Look at me,’ she says. ‘Please look at me.’

‘I am.’

‘Tell me you love me and you want to be with me.’

‘I love you,’ Joohyun says. ‘And I do want to be with you. But—’

‘There you go again. But. A catch to it all.’

‘Seulgi, please just listen to me.’

‘Why can’t you admit you don’t want me?’

‘You’re being childish.’

She is, and she knows it, but there go her emotions again. Later she’ll look back and know she was wrong but the present is more torrid, the hurt of it more immediate and tempestual. ‘Irene,’ she says.

‘What?’

‘That’s who you are, isn’t it? Irene.’

‘Why are you saying that?’

‘Because that’s who you are. Who you want to be. You’re more Irene than Joohyun.’

‘Stop it.’

‘Am I wrong?’ Seulgi says. She waits for a reply and is met with silence.

‘See? Everyone who talked to you tonight called you Irene. I was the only one who didn’t.’

‘Seulgi.’

‘Maybe it’s my fault. I think it probably is, for being stupid enough to believe you’d fall in love with someone like me. This is what I always do, any time I even remotely make a connection with someone I blow it way out of proportion and do dumb like this.’

‘Stop talking like that,’ Joohyun says, almost begging. ‘Please.’

‘Why? Is it wrong? Tell me. Go on. Tell me I’m wrong.’

‘Can we go inside? Please.’

‘I’m fine out here.’

‘It’s too cold. You’ll catch a chill.’

‘Like you care.’

‘Why are you being like this?’ Joohyun asks.

‘What would you prefer? Would you prefer I just keep quiet? That I don’t say anything?’

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘How am I supposed to shut up when I’m feeling like this? When you say what you said the other day? What choice did you give me? Maybe it’s my fault again, for not telling you how I feel. For deep I am. Wouldn’t be the first time it’s my fault. What else is new.’

She half expects Joohyun to try and reason with her. Or to suggest they go back inside and out of the cold and talk more comfortably. But instead she just stands there, tears in her eyes, lips quivering, a state Seulgi has never seen her in before. Long gone is that stoic exterior. Even the hazy distant look of wonder she often gets is lost. She looks at Seulgi and wipes her eyes and she’s crying now and pretending she isn’t which is worse, because it tells Seulgi she hates being like this, she knows it’s rare and would rather have kept her composure. But that seems impossible. Out in the dark a car horn blares twice and falls away. The neon ringed around the world lights them in pink and red and gold.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘I can’t give you what you want. I just can’t do that. Not with who I am. Not like this.’

‘Joohyun—’

‘I just can’t, Seulgi. I wish I could, because I love you. You’re the only person that’s treated me normally in as long as I can remember. Since before I became famous. Maybe I would’ve been better not showing you that ing billboard, but I suppose you’d figure it out eventually. There’s no way I could’ve hidden that from you. And I didn’t want to.’

Now it’s Seulgi’s turn to beg her in vain to stop talking. To just forget it all. As if the consequences of her anger have very rapidly dawned on her.

‘I love you,’ Joohyun says again. ‘But I can’t be with you. Not like this.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Please.’

Joohyun looks about. She’s still crying, but in her voice she tries her hardest to hide it. ‘Do you want me to call you a cab?’ she says.

‘Joohyun, please. Don’t say that.’

The look in her eyes breaks Seulgi’s heart all over again. ‘I’ve got to go,’ she says, barely there at all. Barely even herself. ‘I’ve got to get back inside. They’ll wonder where I’ve gone.’

‘Please.’

‘I’m sorry, Seulgi. I really am.’

She says something else. Something about calling Seulgi a cab and telling to get home safe and text her when she’s back and something more but Seulgi listens to exactly none of it. She’s crying and crying and it hurts to cry anymore and the cold doesn’t make it any easier. The neon paints her all over again. ‘Please,’ she whimpers like a child, but Irene is already gone, and all that remains is the scent of her perfume and the night, and Seulgi, there alone and broken, blinded by the lights.