"Sin City cold and empty,

No one's around to judge me,

I can't see clearly when you're gone,

Gone, gone."

She goes four days thinking of Joohyun, four days wondering where she’s seen her before. If she’s seen her at all. Her life consists of waking up late in the afternoon and watching Netflix and browsing social media and then busing it an hour up the road to the gas station to start her shift and apart from the lingering thought of Joohyun that’s about it. She thinks on a lot of things. Mostly that white Lamborghini and those three chance encounters with that very attractive woman with rather great fashion sense. And a smile to die for. It takes her a long time to stop thinking of that. And when at three AM on a Friday morning Joohyun pulls up outside and steps out of that same white Lamborghini Seulgi starts thinking about it all over again. Starts thinking it might just be fate. Or something similar enough.

She pushes the door open and smiles at Seulgi before anything else. ‘Didn’t know if I’d see you here,’ she says.

‘Hey.’

Joohyun waves at her across the space between them and Seulgi waves back. ‘Didn’t know if you’d be on shift.’

‘I do all the night shifts. Six days a week.’

‘Right. Kinda figured. Kinda glad, really.’

‘Yeah?’

‘A little,’ Joohyun says with a smile. ‘Gimme a sec.’

Seulgi nods. She browses the back shelves and opens the refrigerator and dumps it all on the counter in front of Seulgi, two pints of mint chocolate ice cream and a stick of gum again and a can of Pepsi. Seulgi rings it all up and says, ‘Same as last time?’

‘Yeah. Please.’

She puts the carton of cigarettes on the counter and Joohyun inserts her card and waits. It’s almost as if this has become a sort of ritual, an ironic uniqueness in the mundanity of the everyday thing. The same order, same time, same occurrence. Just one of those things. They share a smile again and wait for the machine to register Joohyun’s card. ‘You been up to much?’ Joohyun asks.

‘Not really. You?’

‘Not really.’

‘Well.’

The silence forms. When they speak they share a few words but it’s all they need to share. Smiles say more, hands running through hair and awkward gestures say even more. Joohyun takes out her card and puts it in her purse and grabs her bag from the counter. ‘I should be going,’ she says.

‘Got somewhere to be?’

‘No. Not just yet. That’s why I’m not actually going. If you don’t mind, I mean.’

‘I don’t. Not like anyone comes in here or anything. You’re the only person in about two hours.’

‘Must get pretty lonely.’

‘Sometimes.’

The solemnity in Joohyun’s gaze is disarming. She passes the shoppingbag from one hand to the other and back again, as if unsure of how to proceed, what to do. Seulgi stares. Her face is rather perfect and it’s distracting. The lines of her jaw, the glimmer in her eyes. Even the way her toothy smile is ever so slightly off-centre. How charming it all is. Joohyun nods in the direction of the parkinglot and says, ‘Fancy a drive?’

‘I can’t, sorry. I’ve got to be here until five.’

‘I thought it was five, honestly. What time is it?’

‘Just gone three.’

‘Damn.’ She looks down at her shoes. The refrigerators hum and the clock ticks on. ‘You want some ice cream?’ she asks.

‘Sure. No cookie dough this time?’

‘Mint choc is better.’

‘Can’t argue with that.’

Joohyun takes out one of the pint tubs and sets it on the counter. ‘Do you...you know.’

‘What?’

‘Sell spoons.’

‘No. Sorry.’

‘Not even those little plastic ones?’

‘I don’t think we’re allowed to by law.’

‘For safety?’

‘Pollution,’ Seulgi says. ‘Why would we not be able to sell them for safety?’

Joohyun shrugs. ‘Dunno. In case someone stabbed someone, I guess.’

‘With a spoon.’

‘Sure.’

‘A plastic spoon.’

‘Who knows.’

‘Well.’

‘You still want some?’

‘You gonna eat it with your fingers?’

‘Maybe,’ Joohyun says. She peels away the lid and pushes the tub across the desk. A rich and creamy green, swirls of dark chocolate nestled neatly inside. The smell is incredible. ‘You got any cutlery?’ she asks.

‘No. Sorry.’

‘Damn. That’s pretty bootleg of you. Of this place, I mean.’

‘I don’t get many people sitting down and eating ice cream in front of me, to be honest.’

‘Sorry.’

‘For what?’

‘Dunno,’ Joohyun says. ‘Being a nuisance.’

‘You’re not a nuisance. But are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?’

‘You gonna keep asking me this every time you see me?’

What Seulgi wants to say is: Does that mean I’m going to see you more? But instead she shrugs shyly and says, ‘Until I figure it out, I guess.’

‘I don’t think we’ve met. I always remember a face.’

‘So do I. Which is why this is bugging me so much.’

‘I don’t think we’ve met,’ Joohyun repeats. She turns the tub of ice cream around and plays with the bottom of it idly and puts the lid back on with a pout. ‘,’ she mutters. ‘Was really looking forward to that.’

‘You can still eat it later.’

‘It’ll melt.’

‘Go put it back in the fridge, then.’

‘You’re not gonna tell anyone, are you?’

‘Tell who?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘And tell them what? You’re not breaking any laws. You’ve paid for it.’

‘Yeah, but…’

‘What?’

Joohyun shrugs again. It’s a curt and frank shrug that accompanies that pout of her lips that is rather endearing, Seulgi thinks. ‘I guess it just feels a bit weird now that I’ve opened it,’ she says. ‘Suppose that’s on me for opening it in the first place, though.’

‘I’ll make a note to order some spoons. Just for you.’

‘Thanks. Although if you’re gonna do that, make sure they’re metal ones.’

‘You asked for plastic.’

‘Yeah, as a last resort. But if I had a choice.’

‘Metal.’

‘Metal,’ Joohyun repeats.

‘I’ll get right on that.’

‘What time is it?’

‘Still just after three. Why?’

‘I’ve got work soon. Gotta get back. You sure you can’t come for a quick drive?’

‘Sorry.’

‘You said it’s quiet.’

‘I can’t just leave,’ Seulgi says. ‘And besides, there are cameras.’

‘You’re not gonna get into trouble for talking to me, are you?’

‘No. My boss isn’t like that. She’s nice. Knows how boring it can get sometimes. I bet she’ll take it as a good thing.’

‘In what way?’

‘I’ve got someone to talk to.’

‘She sounds like a pretty swell person, your boss.’

Seulgi smiles. ‘Pretty swell,’ she says. ‘What are you doing here if you’ve got work soon?’

‘Just thought I’d come and say hello. You don’t mind, do you?’

‘Not at all. I see you brought the car.’

‘Well.’

‘Well.’

‘It is my car.’

And as if embarrassed by the frankness of this Seulgi neglects to say anything in reply. She looks at Joohyun, arms resting on the counter, leaning a slight over, the white of her shirt contrasted against the dark of her leather jacket. She smells of sandalwood and jasmine perfume again and it’s infuriating how much of Seulgi’s attention it occupies and how much mental capacity it requires to pull herself away from just how good she looks.

‘Earth to Seulgi,’ she says.

‘Sorry. Was miles away.’

‘You good?’

‘Yeah. Did you say something?’

Joohyun shakes her head.

‘Where do you work, anyway? I know you said in the city, but.’

‘It’s kinda complicated.’

‘You’re not a murderer are you?’

‘No.’

‘Or a drug dealer.’

‘Also no. Why were those your first guesses? And what do you mean, murderer? That’s not even a job.’

‘So you don’t take issue with drug dealer?’

Joohyun offers that same pleasing shrug of the shoulders. ‘Drug dealer I can understand,’ she says. ‘Might be somewhat unethical, but at least it’s an actual occupation. People make a hell of a lot of money selling drugs, you know. But murderer? Who puts murderer on their CV?’

‘Who puts drug dealer on their CV?’

‘Well, no one. Obviously. But you get what I mean. I don’t think murderer is an actual job title, legal or otherwise.’

‘What about killers for hire? You know, assassins.’

‘Now you’re just being pedantic.’

Seulgi can’t help but giggle. A quick glance around tells her they’re still alone and it’s a good thing because Joohyun occupies her attention to such an extent that otherwise she’d be entirely oblivious. ‘So,’ she says, ‘you’re not a drug dealer, and you’re not a murderer.’

‘No. And no.’

‘Private investigator?’

‘Also no.’

‘Street racer?’

‘Don’t think that’s a job either.’

‘Car salesperson?’

‘Driving the cars I intend to sell?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Keep guessing.’

‘I don’t know. You’re going to have to tell me.’

‘Secret,’ Joohyun says with a weak smile.

‘Do you work at a gas station?’

‘What gave you that idea?’

‘Don’t know,’ Seulgi says. ‘But you said you work weird hours. And, well.’

‘I don’t work at a gas station. If you really wanna know, I’ll show you sometime.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Not right now, though. But sometime.’

‘Sounds good to me. What time are you working?’

‘Just after five.’

‘I see,’ Seulgi says, followed by a punctual silence. As if they have finally exhausted a short list of quips and jokes and small talk. The well of casual conversation has run dry. And still the refrigerators hum, still the clock ticks. Time has slowed to a crawl. It’s nine minutes past three. Joohyun runs a hand through her hair and stands upright and pats down her jacket. ‘I should go,’ she says. ‘Feel like I’m just bugging you a bit.’

‘No, it’s fine. Nobody’s here.’

‘Still, though.’

‘I get bored here sometimes. Most of the time. And then at home, too. Kinda.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I don’t get up to much,’ Seulgi admits. ‘I just sort of stay in, browse Instagram.’

‘Part of me wishes I could do the same sometimes.’

‘Why can’t you?’

‘It’s a bit complicated.’

‘You’re very vague, you know that?’

Joohyun replies at first with merely a tender smile. ‘It’s hard to explain properly. Well, it’s not. Not really. I just don’t wanna explain it all right now.’

‘Understandable.’

‘Anyway.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I won’t keep you any longer.’

‘Okay.’

On the way out Joohyun looks back at her. ‘Did you say you work every day?’ she asks.

‘Six days. Not on Sundays.’

‘As in, Saturday going into Sunday? Or Sunday going into Monday?’

‘Sunday going into Monday.’

‘Right. I’ll see ‘round.’

‘Sure,’ Seulgi says.

She thinks perhaps it’ll be three or four days before Joohyun comes back around or perhaps never. Perhaps it’s just one of those things you say to be polite. Strike up a conversation with a stranger, form a bond, disappear. Or perhaps there was never any bond to begin with. That the power of Seulgi’s loneliness has become so asive as to formulate for herself scenarios which don’t exist at all. But all her idle thoughts are laid to rest when Joohyun returns at five that same morning and walks in a minute before Seulgi’s about to close up and call it a day. She’s still carrying the same white shoppingbag.

‘Surprise,’ she says with a smile.

‘I was just about to close.’

‘I know. Five AM, you said.’

‘Did you want to grab something? I’ll wait.’

‘I just wanted to say hi again. Sorry if I’m bugging you. Or if you wanted to get home.’

Seulgi thinks about it for a moment. The day remains dark and cold and there’s a wind now to accompany the absence of sunlight. She says, ‘It’s okay.’

‘Cool.’

Joohyun smiles. It’s a smile she hasn’t seen before, one that opens her to the world, an oddly pure and childlike smile of happiness, or so Seulgi thinks. She leans against the desk and puts the bag on the counter and takes out the tub of ice cream again. Then from her jacket pocket she produces two metal spoons and waves them about with a grin. ‘Ta-da,’ she says.

‘You went to get some spoons?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Just to get some spoons?’

‘And to drive about. But also, yes. To get some spoons. You hungry?’

Seulgi says that yes, she is. They share the tub of ice cream and talk about nothing much at all. The weather’s pretty awful, Seulgi says. I like it, Joohyun says. Reminds me of my favourite movies. Very moody. Atmospheric.

‘You ever seen Drive? With Ryan Gosling?’

‘Don’t think so.’

Joohyun finishes a mouthful of cold ice cream with a wince. ‘You should,’ she mumbles. ‘It’s good . Amazing movie.’

‘What’s it about?’

‘Well, driving. Sort of. I like the soundtrack. And Ryan Gosling. God, he’s pretty. If I were into guys, he’d be, like, crush number one.’

Seulgi looks at her and blinks. The urge to be invasive is stronger than it should be. Instead she dips her spoon into the hard of the ice cream and bites down on a particularly tough chocolate chip with a grimace. ‘What about you?’ Joohyun asks. ‘What are your favourite films?’

‘I don’t know. Just anything, really. I’m not into films all that much. No idea who Ryan Gosling is. I think the only actors in the world I could point out to you by face are, like, Brad Pitt, I guess? That's about it. And even that's a stretch.’

‘Okay, so. How about something romantic? Something scary?’

‘Rather horror than romance.’

‘Too cheesy?’

‘Something like that.’

‘I know what you mean. I’m not a fan of cheesy things. I was watching this drama the other day by mistake and—’

‘Watching it by mistake?’

‘I just flipped the TV over and it was on and I guess I got bored so I left it for a while. Anyway, there was this scene where this guy drives all the way to the airport to stop this girl – presumably his soon-to-be girlfriend – from getting on a plane and flying away. Drove there to put a stop to her ever getting on the flight. Confessed his love for her, blah blah. Or something like that. Wasn’t really paying attention. But I just had to roll my eyes at that.’

‘Why?’

‘Why? Seriously? You think that sort of thing happens in real life?’

‘I think it’s kinda cute,’ Seulgi says. ‘Don’t think there are many ways of showing you care more than that.’

‘Yeah, but it’s a little clingy.’

‘Is it, though? If you love someone.’

Joohyun dips her spoon in the ice cream and makes a dismissive gesture with her other hand. ‘Whatever,’ she says. ‘Maybe it was just the execution of it all. It just came across as really low budget and poorly acted and stuff. Like a…well, like a TV drama, I suppose. But what else can you hope for, really? It’s one of the reasons I don’t even bother looking at—’ she stops mid-sentence and looks up at Seulgi and neglects to finish. As if she’s caught herself in the middle of something taboo, something she shouldn’t admit. Or can’t admit. Instead it’s a mouthful of mint chocolate cold enough to make her close her eyes and cute enough to make Seulgi smile.

‘This is good stuff,’ she says. ‘Love mint choc.’

‘I can’t remember the last time I had ice cream.’

To this Joohyun says nothing. Seulgi looks about. They’re still alone and closing time was a while ago and if they’re not careful Seungwan might catch them chatting by the counter like teenagers amid infatuation and while it wouldn’t be embarrassing it would be a little too awkward for her tastes. She looks at Joohyun again, eating her ice cream and gazing at nothing in particular with a sort of distant and wistful expression. ‘I thought you said you had work,’ she says.

‘I did. And I still do.’

‘What time?’

‘What time is it right now?’

‘Just after five.’

‘About half an hour, then.’

‘Where is it?’

‘About half an hour away, if there’s no traffic.’

‘Shouldn’t you, you know.’

‘Go?’

Seulgi nods.

‘Yeah. But it’s okay to be late. It’s fashionable.’

‘Seriously, where do you work?’

‘Somewhere that lets be a little late sometimes. But it’s okay. I’d rather be here, honestly.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun says. Seulgi thinks she might say something else, something to give meaning to that statement. And then she does. She says, ‘No ice cream at work.’

‘Fair point.’

‘I like it here, you know.’

‘Where?’

‘This place.’

‘This gas station?’

Joohyun nods through another mouthful of ice cream. ‘It’s quiet, it’s out of the way. No one around to be nosy. No one to pester you. To judge you.’

‘Judge you? For what?’

But there’s no reply, just a shrug of the shoulders and more ice cream. Perhaps she was never hungry at all. Perhaps the ice cream was merely a way to diffuse the awkward and insensitive topics of conversation without so much as a word. Just a scoop with the spoon and the following silence and then nothing, back to square one. ‘I should really probably go,’ Joohyun says. ‘They’ll all be waiting for me if I’m not there.’

‘Well then.’

Seulgi wants to say: I must’ve met you somewhere before. I know your face.

Instead she remains silent, and Joohyun puts the lid back on the half-eaten tub of ice cream and her spoon clean and drops them both into her shoppingbag with a smile. ‘Nice talking,’ she says. ‘Sorry for keeping you a while.’

‘It’s okay. Like I said, I didn’t have anywhere to be. Kind of a running theme in my life at the moment.’

The laugh she hopes will follow never does. Just a moderately awkward silence. As if there is something more morbid to that truth. Joohyun grabs her bag and pats her jacket down and smiles and says, ‘I’ll catch you later.’

‘I’m always here. Nice car, by the way.’

‘You gonna keep saying that?’

Seulgi grins. ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘I think I am.’

Some things come and go, but some things permeate. They remain behind. The memory of them lingers, faint calls that echo forever. Smells, sights, sounds. Objects and items, to tie to something tangible, to make a reality out of the past. To hold it to something in the here and now.

It’s only when Seulgi’s doing her weekly shop at the supermarket does she realise this is one of those things. It’s normal items at first. Chicken, vegetables, coffee granules, cooking oil. Then it’s all the things she forgets to grab the first time around. After that comes the toiletries, the shampoo and tissues and toilet roll. Then it’s the indulgences, the little cheats she tells herself are forbidden but end up in her shopping basket anyway. A couple trays of Belgian chocolates. A can of Pringles. A pack of cookies. And finally it’s down an aisle she never really strays down. She goes halfway down the aisle and opens the refrigerator door and picks out one of the tubs of mint chocolate ice cream and holds it up and smiles. That’s the moment she realises it’s one of those tangible permeating things. One of those that will stick for a long time.

When she pays at the checkout a couple minutes later, there’s an extra tub in her basket, a present for a friend.

In those January mornings the dark seems to stay longer and the sun grows lazier and all is much colder and cut off. Even standing there behind the counter in silent solitude feels somehow colder. Isolated from the world. She thinks that’s a very real possibility. Two people come in all night. She waits until five for Joohyun but Joohyun never turns up and that’s a little disappointing. What’s more disappointing is the realisation that waiting for something or someone that might never come is setting yourself up for that same disappointment. It’s irrational and silly and truthfully quite painful because expectations can be as dangerous as they are exciting and Seulgi is very much aware of that.

She waits a while longer. Five becomes five ten, five twenty, becomes five forty-five. When Seungwan steps in and looks her up and down with a face filled with confusion Seulgi can only sigh and fight back the rising swell turning in the pit of her stomach. ‘Why are you still here?’ Seungwan asks, a valid and pointedly blunt question.

‘I don’t know. Must’ve lost track of time.’

‘Really?’

Seulgi nods. It’s all she can do. ‘I like your hair,’ she says, nodding to the short blonde bob.

‘Thanks.’

‘Had it done yesterday?’

‘Yeah. Why are you here?’

‘I just said. I lost track of time.’

‘You’re looking a little spaced out. You’re not sick, are you?’

‘I don’t think so. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.’

‘Anything you want to talk about?’

Seulgi smiles a tired smile. She knows Seungwan would listen to her whatever it was. But the truth is both embarrassing and a little upsetting because she knows how lonely it would sound when given room to breathe, when aired out in the open. The truth that she’s pining for a woman she’s met a total of four times – or perhaps it was three, and that in itself is telling and a tad pathetic – and she can’t help herself. She knows what Seungwan would say, too. Something to the effect of: You need to get laid, Seulgi. And it’s a joke with a hint of the serious to it but it’s empty and vapid because ultimately it is still a joke. It’s meant to insulate, to hide away the truth behind a friendly laugh. The truth is that there is no other truth. Only that Seulgi is irrational and blinded by something approaching infatuation.

‘Seulgi,’ she says, standing with one hand still on the door as if to let Seulgi out.

‘Yeah. Sorry. You want me to run inventory before I go?’

‘I though you’d have already done it.’

‘Sorry,’ Seulgi mutters again, rubbing her arm.

Seungwan looks at her properly. Then she says, ‘Go get some sleep. You look like you need it.’

There’s comic value in what she’s doing and that’s why she does it.

She’s at least attuned enough to realise that. It’s one of those things that, in a future slightly happier and fuller, she’ll look back on and joke about with her friends and laugh over. One of those stupid things that is very serious in the moment and very much not serious in retrospect.

Drive.

Ryan Gosling stands in the corner of the frame and smiles slowly. He’s wearing a white bomber jacket with a gold scorpion on the back of it. The outfit of a fashion icon, no doubt. Joohyun was right. He is very pretty. Suddenly he’s driving, eyes gazing out the window, a delicate and dreamy tune playing in the background, the woman smiling wistfully in the car next to him. This montage continues for a good few minutes. It's the best part of the movie.

The lights in Seulgi’s bedroom are off. The laptop screen glares from her desk. She sits crosslegged on her bed with her duvet draped over her and a tub of mint chocolate ice cream in her hand, devouring it while Ryan Gosling does things in the movie. Truth be told she’s not really paying attention to it at all. She’s thinking: Joohyun recommended this movie, and she sounded like she had good taste in movies. Sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

The movie plays on. Things happen. Ryan Gosling stands in his jacket smouldering at the screen with lead-man intensity. Seulgi watches. Thinks: Joohyun said she would like him if she were into guys.

Seulgi thinks: That means she’s into girls.

Seulgi also thinks: Maybe she’s into me.

At no point does she think: It's been less than two days since you last saw her, you idiot. Sober up, you teenage moron.

When the movie’s finished and the ice cream much the same she plays a couple late-night songs to help her drift away. Part of her thinks Seungwan was wrong to give her the night off and she should be there at work because Joohyun might show up again. A bigger part of her tells her to lie down and go to sleep and forget all about it and after a while she does. She closes her eyes. Better times lay both behind and ahead. But now they evade her, naturally. The luck of that. The last thing she thinks of before she drifts into a dreamless sleep is: Maybe she’s into me. Who knows. Maybe I’ll find out.