Kim Doyoung always had lot of questions left unanswered.

It wasn’t odd for him to wonder about anything and everything under the sun at times, topics changing from what it would be like to live as an earthworm for a day to wondering if people are just slowly being controlled by tiny worms hiding inside people’s brains, humanity being taken over bit by bit by worm controlled human shells, to big existential questions and the raw judgement of human immorality.

Sometimes his mind would just get stuck with certain things that seemed to make him rethink his own life and his identity as a human being.

Him being who he was had never really bothered him, and he’d always taken it all in a stride, acknowledging he’s an and moving on.

He knew he wasn’t that good of a person, average at the very best, but sometimes he wondered just how bad he actually was.

If the reactions of the people around him and his way of shutting people out of his life without even a second of hesitance were anything to go by, it was pretty bad.

And to get someone else’s unbiased opinion about how much of a bad person he truly was, he would have to ask someone else. And who else would he rather ask to receive the most brutal and honest opinion if not his friends?

"Am I a good person?"

Johnny huffed at the question his friend asked, clearly amused, "Total , Doie." He didn't even stop typing on his computer as he fought to finish the crappy draft of his essay he needed to finish for Friday. But then he paused. "No, but what even is a good person? I know I'm not."

Doyoung hummed. What was the definition of a good person to him?

"I think you're a good person," he assured.

He might not know how a good person looked like or what all qualities must one have to be one, but he knew Johnny was a good person through and through. A bit stupid and too affectionate at times, but definitely someone Doyoung could say was a good person.

Johnny only raised a brow at that but didn't think too much of it, "If you say so."

 

__________

 

Doyoung wondered what all that he’d done in his life could be counted as good things. Just a few good gestures here and there wouldn't make one a good person, but it would mean he wasn't that hopeless of a case at least.

Let's see...

There was that one time he helped that worker at the store to pick up the huge pile of fallen products (that had been carefully displayed in a hand-built pyramid of cans just a few minutes before Doyoung stumbled in the scene.) It wasn't his fault or even his job, and he really didn't need to do that, but he did.

But he was sure almost anyone else would’ve done the same if they were there and happened to witness what seemed to be the final straw before losing all spirit flashing in the worker’s face, so he wasn't sure if offering that kind of help was really counted as a good deed.

At least he wasn't a complete .

Then there were those times he let his friends copy his homework. That wasn't exactly the right thing to do if he really thought about it, but at least he was allowed to copy theirs on occasions when he forgot his, too.

He thought that was more of being a good, compassionate friend rather than being a good person though.

And he did help his family members every time they needed it to the best of his abilities, but that was just expected from someone that was part of their family. Almost an obligation of sort, so that couldn’t really be counted as something defining a good person either.

There were other countless instances where he had offered his help or let someone take advantage of his work even if he probably should have cared enough to tell them to just it up and fail by themselves if they were being so impossibly lazy, but they all seemed so irrelevant in the end game.

Some of them seemed like good deeds, but he had done a lot of not-so-good, unfair, selfish, and sometimes even lowkey illegal things more than he had done good, and that was something he didn’t even need to question.

So, of course, he couldn't be a good person. A good person didn't need to balance the good or bad at all; a good person was simply a good person.

Doyoung was not a good person.

 

________

 

"What do you think a good person is like?" he asked Johnny the next time they met up for lunch.

They were roommates, but they both had a lot to deal with, especially with the absurd amounts of course work, so they didn’t always take the needed time to just chat and catch-up with each other and instead let the responsibilities take over their lives.

Johnny stopped eating for a minute and looked at him, seemingly grasping what the recent thoughts plaguing his mind had been all about.

It wasn’t that uncommon for Doyoung to wrap himself in a tight blanket of negativity and poor self-image, fueled with the reoccurring doubts and insecurities his mind seemed to recycle over and over again.

But this question in particular was really interesting. Johnny had always been one to get all high on questions like these, and he was aware it could go two ways with his answer; either extremely horribly or then in a more acceptable and decent direction of somewhat sufficient self-acceptance.

"A good person?" Johnny looked back down to his food and started shoveling it down his throat like he hadn’t eaten in days, "I don't know. They do good stuff and are nice to others and all that jazz. You know, be kind and always helping."

Doyoung hummed. After five minutes of mindlessly watching Johnny eat, he realized that was all he was going to get out of the older, so he silently started on his own lunch as well, mind running a mile per second as he tried to think about it.

What did it take to be a good person?

 

______

 

Bad things.

Doyoung had done a lot of bad things.

Petty little things, too. He had even called someone by stupid names, cursed, stolen a gum from a store, and secretly snatched a piece of this really cool Lego set he had been jealous of his friend having. He’d skipped school, faked being sick, lied to his parents, drank alcohol underage, tried smoking…

He had done a lot of things that would make his parents frown if they found out. He was in no way a good person in the way the society would probably define being one as. He was surprised more people didn’t call him out or openly think of him as a bad person.

His friends often said he was emotionally open like a glass wall or something, but on the contrary, Doyoung felt often emotionally constipated. He felt like he couldn't really express himself properly and sometimes thought he was too sensitive for the chaos around him.

He couldn’t even handle being with his friends more than certain amounts of time before he’d grow weary and think he actually hated everyone around him. He loved people, especially his friends and family, but he just often got too tired of them all.

Some days, more often than he’d like to admit, he just wished no one cared and left him alone to deal with himself. He didn't want to talk to them, think of them, or even see them.

He often even ignored the texts his friends sent him when he felt like he didn’t want to even begin to think about them or what they had to say.

That wasn't what a good person would feel for sure.

Good people managed everything. They managed to deal with people despite how bad they felt, all the while not losing their charming, precious good people feel.

They wouldn’t lash out on everyone, or accidentally use a harsher tone when dealing with people. They were patient, kind, always understanding.

Everything Doyoung was not.

Doyoung was judgmental and got annoyed with people far too easily.

He would often roll his eyes, mostly when people couldn't see, but his eyes would tell the story nevertheless. And he had a short fuse with idiots, and that meant some of his more annoying friends occasionally, too.

There was not a chance in hell that he was anything more than okay-ish type of person, and he was certain no one could ever convince him otherwise.

 

_______

 

"Am I a good person?" Doyoung asked Johnny yet again, this time determined to get an answer out of him.

Out of all his friends he had asked so far in various occasions and over texts, Johnny was still the only one that had avoided saying his opinion about it.

Johnny could only shake his head at the question his friend didn’t seem to be able to let go of, "Have you already thought about the definition of a good person?"

Doyoung hummed, "Someone who isn't a complete up that doesn't learn from their mistakes and barely scrapes by. Someone who knows how to balance their life without causing unnecessary harm to others on emotional or physical level. Someone who cares for the people they meet."

Johnny turned off his computer, deciding to work on his essay again a bit later, and turned around on his chair, leaning against the back of it as he stared at his friend.

Doyoung looked somewhat serious with this, but Johnny wasn't so sure he understood what this was all about.

Doyoung did get stuck with some things at times but to say Doyoung was a bad person? Didn't seem believable.

He might not be the greatest person to ever exist, sure. He'd made a few mistakes here and there, got mad at people for no reason other than his own frustration or then all the wrong reasons, and had said hurtful things at times, but that was just simply humane.

Heck, Johnny had done all that, too, if not even worse. He was certain that every human had at one point. So really, what was the point of tormenting yourself with it?

"Being a balanced person is overrated. What would a life be without some ups and downs? Boring, that's what."

Doyoung sighed for the lack of definite answer, but didn't push for it, hating how convinced Johnny sounded.

Because apparently being happy and stable was boring or something? Couldn't relate.

Gosh, if only he'd have more ups in his life so he could really tell what it's like to not feel so goddamn anxious all the time.

 

_______

 

It wasn't like Johnny to straight up tell you 'you ' anyway. If anyone, that would be Ten, Doyoung thought as he watched the other join him at lunch the next day.

"Humans are all trash," Ten stated with so much underlying disappointment for his fellow beings.

"Am I trash?"

Ten paused, surprised. "You?" What was all this about now? He wanted to ask but he felt like he shouldn't. It didn't seem like Doyoung wanted to talk about it. "No, you're not trash. But if you were, I'd take you out." He finished it off with a cheery wink that made Doyoung chuckle.

At least he would be attractive trash?

 

________

 

He didn't even expect Taeil to have much to say about it. That guy was positive but sometimes it seemed like he was on drugs, always too high on that overwhelming positivity. He liked to smile with the people he cared about and he couldn't really stay still when he felt the atmosphere take a dip.

"We all ," he commented with a bright grin, as if collectively was so much better than by yourself. But yeah, Doyoung supposed it was. "Some just more than the others."

Namely, he, Doyoung guessed and mindlessly nodded. But Taeil wasn’t dumb and Doyoung could sometimes be so extremely easy to read.

"I wouldn't be friends with anyone that wasn’t a good person,” Taeil added as an afterthought. “Except Ten. He has some issues but I still love him." Doyoung laughed. "No, but all jokes aside. We're pretty decent don't you think? For being human set as a standard I mean."

Doyoung liked to think of himself as below decent, but Taeil had always been overly optimistic.

"I suppose."

They sat in a silence for a while, both busy with their thoughts when a very loud, clearly just summoned child of Satan appeared (but no one could be as bad as Donghyuck in Doyoung’s very humble, biased opinion. It was almost admirable how many negative emotions the younger could evoke inside of him, all meant in a good-natured way of course.)

"I could feel you talking about me behind my back."

Doyoung stuck out his tongue, "We were just saying how amazing you are."

Ten narrowed his eyes, "You wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, I know right? You're only barely scratching decent and that alone is amazing for the likes of you."

"On a second thought, you."

"Love you too, asswipe."

 

______

 

"Hi!" he greeted Ten when he later saw him at the coffee shop he frequented for much needed study peace. It was almost ridiculous how many times he could bump into Ten during the course of the day but barely see his roommate who he shared his apartment with.

"Doie! Didn't expect you here today."

Doyoung shrugged, “Didn’t feel like staying inside. Johnny’s losing his mind over that essay and I would burn it for him, but then he wouldn’t pass.”

“Oh . I forgot all about that. Dang. You think I can get Taeyong to write it for me? He had that class like last year. Maybe I can read through his old paper and take down his points and then write them off as mine.”

Doyoung wondered if this would be considered a prime example of just how ed up and desperate university students were.

He knew Ten wasn’t the best person alive and had his faults just like him, but he also knew Ten was a good student even if he left things to the very last minute. And he knew the reason he was so behind all his work and forgot half his assignments was because of his new part time job that stole all his time and attention.

So technically, even if Taeyong did end up giving him his perfectly styled essay that he probably got the highest marks possible for, it would only be a good thing because Ten didn’t deserve to fail just because he was trying to support himself financially.

Basically, him turning to a friend in a case of emergency shouldn’t be considered a bad thing but stealing his work and trying to get the credit for it was still morally wrong.

Doyoung groaned. Being a good person was tough. There was too much grey area between good and bad, and honestly? He was starting to think everything good was just a well hidden morally grey thing presented as something admirable.

"You alive?” he heard Ten ask as the other snapped his fingers in front of his face. Doyoung nodded with a deep sigh. ”So now that you’re back to my very humble presence, what was all that talk about being a decent human you were spouting? Did someone do something?"

"Oh. No. I was just thinking. You know, the usual. If I'm a good person and if anyone could ever love me and all that. Or if any of us are, in fact, good people, or are humans just doomed to live and suffer like little s."

Ten huffed, "Well, you’re looking at perfection right here, so..."

Doyoung ignored him as he took a sip of his black, bitter coffee. “

People that drink crap like that must be actual devils,” Ten had once said to him when he saw him drink it like it was water.

Then college hit and Ten learned to drink coffee without pounds of sugar and more milk than actual coffee. He never judged Doyoung’s taste in coffee ever again.

“Anyway, what’s with this whole good or bad thing? Did you commit a crime or something? Do you need me to hide the body? I know a couple of dudes that-”

“What? No," Doyoung quickly assured, but silently made a mental note to remember to call Ten first if he ever got in trouble. "I was just thinking that before I have high hopes for my life, I should take a good look at myself first. Like, to know I'm lucky enough to even have friends, not to mention a possible future love life. I should write a warning list of my bad qualities to people before going on a second date or something. Or get it tattooed on my forehead."

Ten frowned, “Right. You do know this all sounds ridiculous, right?" Doyoung shrugged. "Okay, what’s your current score then?”

“I’m leaning on the not-the-worst-but-far-from-good spectrum. Like, at least I have some decency, but I'm still ty.”

Ten hummed, thinking about for a second, "You know, I really did mean it when I said humans are the worst beings in this world. But you," he reached over the table to grab his cheek and pinch it, making Doyoung whine, "You're one of the good ones."

Ten wasn't really one to give him a lot of affection in that form so Doyoung was willing to believe him this time.

At least for a bit.

 

___________

 

Doyoung didn't budge out of his bed on Saturday. He knew he had a lot of studying to do, he really did, but instead he just stayed wrapped in his covers like a lazy blanket burrito as he let the thoughts consume him.

It wasn't odd for him to repent on his life every now and then. He didn't enjoy meeting new people or spending time with people he wasn't close to, so it left a lot of time for his thoughts.

He had managed through a call with Taeyong a while ago and that was enough social interactions for the whole day for his part.

Apparently somehow, even out of town, Taeyong had heard a whisper of him being a downer in their friend group as of lately with all his existential questions and all.

“If you keep moping around for even one day longer, I’m sending a clown over,” he had threatened him.

“I thought Donghyuck was out of town.”

“Oh you,” he could hear the said younger male say from the other side of the call.

“Seriously, Doyoung. Don’t let yourself get too wrapped up in this whole thing,” Taeyong warned. “We all know it’s an ugly sight to behold if you really dig deep into that.”

Doyoung had sighed, “You’re right. Thanks. Anyway, when are you coming back?“

 

_____________

 

Doyoung wanted to listen to Taeyong’s advice and just let go, but it was easier said than done since Johnny wasn’t serving his purpose as a good roommate and giving him a distraction from his thoughts.

He couldn’t really pin it against him though, he had finally returned his essay and was enjoying his little freedom before his guilt of neglecting other work that needed to be finished would drive him back into the static, depressing student life.

He didn’t need to act as Doyoung’s anything, Doyoung just wished they’d both have the time to just forget everything and do something friends usually did together. Or you know, just hang out.

But now that he was laying on his bed, his mind was starting to run again.

Sighing, he went through his contacts in an attempt to help himself out of this mood, but maybe partly to also pretend like he was a good friend who listened to his friends’ advice when they gave him some.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Kun. You have time to hang out?”

 

_____________

 

"Is there a reason why you still go around asking everyone if you're trash?" Johnny asked as he took off his shoes. He sounded amused at least. “Kun was pretty shocked to say the very least. You could’ve at least phrased it pretty instead of just saying ‘do you think I’m ty?’ He deserves more than that.”

Doyoung jutted out his lower lip and whined, feeling a bit embarrassed since he had bothered all of his friends about it by now. Even Ten had questioned him about it and assured him he was decent, letting his mind rest for a second or two before going back into overdrive.

But Kun had just grumbled something along the lines of “no but these little s I’m supposed to take care of are really stretching that limit”.

“I was just asking.”

“Yeah, yeah, and we met with me giving you flowers.”

Doyoung flushed at the memory of their first encounter. He'd rather not remember anything from his younger years, but Johnny never seemed to let him live.

When he met Johnny, he had just had his ual awakening. Naturally, being a curious teenager that now knew which way he swung, he started... exploring things.

The one day he had let his brain short circuit for a second too long in the morning, he had thought it would be a bright idea to a bring a banana to the school as part of his lunch.

As one could imagine, that brought curious thoughts to his mind once he was left alone in the classrooms, his peers rushing to grab some lunch, and he had, well, for some reason decided it was the perfect time to experiment things he'd read about, namely about his gag reflex.

He had been completely unaware of that one student still sitting there in the back, looking at him with a face mixed with mild horror and amusement.

When Doyoung had finally noticed him, he was so shocked that he started choking on the banana and long story short, it was the worst day of his life till this day, and let him tell you, there were a lot of those. But this one still took the cake.

Doyoung shuddered. He was glad Johnny had laughed it off and promised to never say anything about it, and instead explained that they met because they shared a class and one day just “miraculously” became close.

“Oh shut up. You promised you wouldn’t talk about it.”

“And I haven't said a word!" Johnny beamed proudly as if that was something to be proud of. Doyoung was grateful don't get him wrong, but boy did johnny sometimes with it. "But seriously, tell me what the real issue here is. Are you really going through some sort of mental crisis? Do you want me to call your brother? Or contact some sort of health professional? Or just... I don't know, our friends?”

“I just…” Doyoung paused, wondering just how exactly to word it. “I just feel like I’m a horrible person. That I keep screwing things up, and that I’m doing such a bad job at being a decent human being, and that it’s a wonder people even like me when I’m being me, and that I just… I don't deserve things?”

Johnny’s expression softened, “Oh, Doie... You are not an awful person. Sure, you have your moments, we all do, but for all the years I’ve known you, you’re not even half as bad as you think. I mean, what more could I even ask from you? You do the chores like we’ve assigned them, you buy your friends all kinds of gifts all the time, and you’re nice company.”

"Oh, wow, I sometimes keep my word. How mind-blowing. Such amazement."

Doyoung didn't mean to sound so bitter, but to be fair, he hadn't expected Johnny to just start quoting like a rip-off how to compliment people you don't know how to compliment 101 class or something.

God, was that all he was? A decent roommate? Did he expect him to feel any better with that kind of a comment?

"Doyoung, I was kidding. But trust me, please. If you were less than decent, I wouldn’t talk to you and would have moved out ages ago. You know how bad I deal with s.”

Doyoung sighed, all fight leaving him, “All right, fine. I guess I'm decent enough to live with. I guess I can just accept that."

"You're such a pessimist," Johnny chided, giving him a small punch on the shoulder.

Doyoung shrugged. For him that was being realistic with a tendency of being a bit negative at times. Nothing too bad right?

But Johnny wasn't done with the topic just yet. It seemed like he had made it his mission to make him feel better about himself and got all his friends roped into it, too.

They thought it was fun to watch him squirm with embarrassment every time he did something even remotely nice to others, making a big show out of his actions. For a while Doyoung wondered if he should even bother getting out of his room at that point. He had started growing impossibly embarrassed to do just about anything.

“You’re all so ty,” he claimed one day, trying to cool the burning from his face down to his neck after he had given back a glove to someone, who had dropped it in their haste.

The idiots had decided to holler and shout and clap at him like he was some hero or some , making everyone in the cafe stare at him. He had wanted to die on the spot, and now they were all sporting matching teasing smiles.

Johnny just laughed at his whining loudly and proudly, “Jeez, thanks, Doie. You’re total , too.”

Doyoung smiled. Yeah, maybe he was. But so were his friends and he loved them, so it didn’t really matter how awful he was when he had them by his side.

“Thanks. Wouldn’t want it any other way with you lot anyway.”