When Seonghwa had accepted the offer for his current job he’d been optimistic, excited even. He’d done front of house restaurant work before and this was an offer of a permanent position. He’d be doing something he knew he could do and getting a steady wage and some job security too. And the restaurant he’d be working in was attached to a fairly high class hotel, one that was part of a well respected and established chain so there was the prospect of real career progression. It would be a great opportunity.

But he was now nearing the end of his fourth month in his new job and he was really starting to regret the fact he hadn’t taken San’s suggestion and followed him to France to work the winter season. Seonghwa had met San in his last job, he’d been working for the summer in Greece at the time having taken a job in a hotel restaurant there. San had been working behind the restaurant bar. They’d both started on the same day and had gone through initiation and training together and things had just clicked. They’d gotten on so well that they’d been inseparable for the almost five months they’d worked there. So when San had told him he could put in a word for him, maybe get him a job at the winter resort he was heading to next, Seonghwa had been sorely tempted. He was going to miss not having San around and he’d never been to France before. But he’d already accepted the job offer back home, his cousin knew the restaurant manager and had been able to get him a telephone interview and he knew how much his parents were looking forward to having him close again. So in the end he and San had parted ways, promising to keep in touch.

It had seemed like a well thought out and grown up decision at the time. Seasonal work was all well and good when you were young and just out of university but what was the point in working for a qualification in hospitality if you weren’t going to use it? But his new job wasn’t all he’d thought it would be. It had turned out the hours were more than he’d been lead to believe, the customers were more demanding than he was used to and while most of the staff were nice enough there wasn’t anyone there he could yet call a friend. And that was maybe the worst thing. It meant that when he was having a bad day, when the customers had been awful and his feet hurt and he was tired, there was no one he could turn to. No one he could complain at, no one who would share stories of their own crappy day and understand where he was coming from. Because even the worst job could be made mostly bearable if you had the right people around you.

But then again maybe he wouldn’t be having such a hard time if he hadn’t found out three weeks into his new job that the exhaustion that he’d assumed was being caused by a change in climate and an unpredictable shift pattern was being compounded by the fact he was pregnant. And to be fair, being in France wouldn’t change that, he’d still be pregnant and if he’d found that out so far from home he’d undoubtedly have freaked out even more.

It was his friend and roommate, Hongjoong, who’d helped him realise that he was, pointing out that occasionally getting the urge to throw up if confronted by strong smells had nothing to do with being overly tired. Something Seonghwa hadn’t been able to argue, he couldn’t stand the smell of a cooked breakfast in the morning and when a woman wearing way too much perfume had sat in front of him on the bus that morning he’d found himself getting up and moving to the back to get away from the smell. Hongjoong was right, it was weird. So he’d taken a test, desperately hoping it would lead to nothing. And then had spent most of the day hiding in his room so he didn’t have to admit to anyone that he’d royally messed up. What kind of person went to work abroad and came back with a baby? How could he have been so stupid?  He’d dreaded facing his parents to the point where he’d waited a whole week to tell them, they were going to be so disappointed in him.

But while they’d been disappointed, they’d also been supportive, telling him they’d be there to help. Hongjoong had said the same when Seonghwa had told him he’d start looking for somewhere else to stay. He’d told him he didn’t have to go anywhere, babies were pretty small, they had room. And if things got too noisy then there were always ear plugs.

So at least his parents and his best friend were on board. That was something. But that didn’t make dealing with his job any easier. He hadn’t realised how demanding it could be, both physically and mentally, until he was doing it on lack of sleep and drowning in hormones. And the fact he had no one to confide in at work didn’t help. Before people knew he was pregnant it had been bad enough. If he mentioned how tired he was or that he felt ill, people thought he was trying to cover his mistakes by fishing for sympathy. And now he was starting to show, and people were realising he was pregnant, it was worse. There was no understanding there, just judgemental looks and lots of whispering behind his back, especially from the older members of staff. They knew he wasn’t in a relationship and obviously didn’t approve of him having a baby outside of one.

And now he couldn’t even console himself with the fact that even if he didn’t get on well with his colleagues, if he just worked hard and kept his head down he could gain some valuable experience and get a better job elsewhere. With a baby to think about finding a new job was going to be so much harder.

He was stuck in the job he was in and he just hoped they’d offer him better hours once the baby was here. For now though he was glad to take any hours he could get. He needed the money, babies were expensive.

That’s why,  two hours later than the original end time of his shift, Seonghwa was only just leaving work. They’d been short staffed and he hadn’t been able to say no to the offer of overtime.

And yes, his feet hurt and his back hurt and his head hurt but once he made it home he didn’t have to do anything but sleep. He didn’t even have to say hi to Hongjoong because Hongjoong was spending the weekend with his boyfriend. Both he and Wooyoung were a big fan of Christmas and had a whole two days of Christmas shopping and wrapping planned and would be using Wooyoung’s apartment as their base. Seonghwa had been invited on their shopping trip too but he’d turned the invitation down. With the baby to save for Christmas was low on his agenda.

So yes, there’d be no Hongjoong at home which meant no one nagging at him to eat or shower before he collapsed into bed. And he wouldn’t be reminded of the last proper conversation they’d had either and be hit by lingering embarrassment.

Their last proper conversation had happened two days ago and had been instigated by the fact Seonghwa had received a message from San. This hadn’t been a big surprise, San had promised when they’d parted in Greece that they’d keep in touch and he’d kept that promise, messaging and calling. Seonghwa had appreciated this at first, newly home and trying to settle in a call from San would make his day. And then he’d found he was pregnant and that had changed. Suddenly a call from San would have his chest tightening in anxiety. So he’d stopped answering his calls, pretending he’d missed them or he’d been busy, and had stuck to replying to his messages. He knew that if he picked up the phone he’d spill and tell him everything and he still hadn’t decided if he should tell San he was pregnant at all. On one hand it was his baby too. On the other hand San had so many plans, wanted to see so many places, and Seonghwa didn’t want to put a stop to that. So he’d put that decision on hold and had kept putting it on hold until San had messaged him the other day.

And this message had almost given Seonghwa a heart attack. San was back in Korea for a week before things picked up for Christmas at the resort. Did Seonghwa want to meet up? He and his friends were in town to see a gig anyway, San could get him a ticket too if he wanted to come. And Seonghwa had had no idea how to reply. He’d been starting to think that he should tell San about the baby, if only so he could tell the baby he had. Even if San said he wasn’t interested he could tell his son or daughter that he’d tried. He didn’t want to keep them from their father and for them to end up resenting him for it. Maybe this was the prefect opportunity to do that, to tell him about the baby face to face. And he’d almost done it, almost agreed to meet up. And then he’d chickened out… told San he was busy all week and couldn’t make it.

He’d felt so bad about it afterwards that Hongjoong had noticed the solemn look on his face and had asked him if he was okay. And rather than explain what had happened Seonghwa had found himself bursting into tears.

And when he’d finally calmed down enough to get actual words out he’d assured a visibly worried Hongjoong that he was okay and had explained what had happened. Hongjoong had been incredibly understanding and had reasoned that maybe now, right before Christmas wasn’t the right time to tell San about the baby but whenever he was ready to he’d be there to back him up. Which had been amazing to hear but it hadn’t made the incident any less embarrassing. Seonghwa hadn’t been able to look him in the eye since and he was hoping after a couple of days apart things would go back to normal and he’d be able look at his friend without getting flashbacks to crying all over him.

And there he was, thinking about it again when Hongjoong wasn’t even there. If he was ever going to forget about it he needed to put it to the back of his mind and focus on the present, which entailed a five minute walk in the cold and the dark to his bus stop. He missed the sun he thought with a sigh as he stepped out into the street, his hands immediately finding his pockets. He missed clear skies and warm summer nights, he missed being able to hear the sea on his walk home. He missed walking to work in the morning too, knowing he’d be met with clean air and bird song and not car fumes and the noise of traffic. He really missed Greece. And he really missed San.

But no… no… that wasn’t helping. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t think about San until after Christmas. Then he was going to sit down and decide once and for all when he was going to tell him about the baby and how. Because after how guilty he’d felt when he’d turned down San’s invitation to meet up he knew that he had to, sooner or later. He deserved to know he was going to be a father and that what he did with that information would be down to him. But all that could wait. He was tired and he was aching and he needed to sleep. And sleep wasn’t going to come easily if he was thinking about San. He needed to think about something else.

Like… um… food. Maybe he would eat before bed. He hadn’t felt hungry at work but he hadn’t had the time to stop and be hungry. Now he was outside, no longer surrounded by the bustle and noise, he was realising that actually, he probably should eat something. He hadn’t eaten anything since lunch and that had just been a sandwich. And at just the thought of that sandwich his stomach was already gurgling. Yes, he’d eat before bed he decided, trying to remember what they actually had in the cupboard other than ramen. Ramen was a start but on his own it wasn’t all that nutritious and he had the baby to think about too.

He was still trying to work out what he was going to eat when he got back home when he walked past the open door of the twenty four hour convenience store on the corner and was so caught up in doing so that he didn’t realise someone was stepping out of said door until it was too late.

“I’m so sorry!” He exclaimed, scrabbling to pick up the mobile phone he’d just sent flying. Thankfully it didn’t look damaged and even more thankfully the person he’d bumped into was a young man and not an old lady, his shoulder had hit them with enough force that if it had been the latter he’d probably have sent them sprawling.

“It’s okay. I should have been looking where I was going and not at my phone.” Was the response.

And the relief Seonghwa felt at having his apology accepted was very quickly replaced by confusion because that voice sounded really familiar. Either the person he’d literally run into was San, which would be ridiculous, what were the odds? Or he’d lost his mind and was hearing things, which to be honest, after all the stressing he’d been doing lately was much more likely.

Only when he looked up, intending to tell the owner of the phone in his hand that he should have been looking where he was going too, the words died in his throat. If he’d lost mind the he’d really lost his mind and was hallucinating too because the face he was looking into was Choi San’s. And he felt so stupid for not recognising him sooner. Yes it was dark, and yes the San he’d left behind in Greece had been sun-kissed and blonde and the San he was looking at now was red-haired and leather jacket clad, but they’d spent so much time together in those fifth months. They’d gotten to know each other inside and out. Why hadn’t he realised it was him right away?

But it seemed San hadn’t recognised him at first either because his eyes were now widening in recognition. Then he was breaking into a smile. “Seonghwa… this is so weird! I was just thinking about calling you.”

“Really?” Seonghwa asked, voice quiet and throat dry. It was all he could think of stay, frozen to the spot in panic as he was. San was meant to be out of town by now, back home with his parents. Why was he still here? And why was he hanging around so close to his workplace? Did he suspect something? Seonghwa had been trying to seem normal in the messages they’d exchanged but the fact he hadn’t spoken to him in person in months, San was bound to find that odd. Had he come to track him down and make him explain himself? Seonghwa really hoped not, he felt tired and achy and slightly shaky as it was, he didn’t think he was up to a confrontation.

“Yeah, we decided to stay a little longer, we realised there’s another band we like in town and they’re playing tomorrow. I thought maybe you’d want to come. So yeah… do you want to? If you’re not too busy with work…”

And Seonghwa really didn’t know what to say this time. San wasn’t mad at him for avoiding him, he was talking to him as if they’d never been apart.  He was looking at him so hopefully and smiling at him so sweetly. And he wanted to say yes, he’d go anywhere with him. He’d missed him so much and seeing him standing there he wanted to wrap his arms around him so badly. During their time together they’d never put a label on their relationship, San hadn’t been his boyfriend and they hadn’t been a couple. But whatever they had been, he wanted to go back to that. He wanted San to pull him close and to tell him he’d missed him too, and that everything was going to be okay.

And that was the worst thing really. The fact he liked San so much. If it had been one time thing and he hadn’t really known San as a person it would have been different. He wouldn’t have been so worried about telling him or what his reaction would be. It wouldn’t matter to him. But he cared about San, he hadn’t just been a summer fling he’d been a friend. And when he told him about the baby there was a risk San would never want to talk to him again. That, or he was going to be there for the baby but end up resenting him for it. Seonghwa didn’t like either option. And San was looking at him now, expecting an answer, brow furrowing in confusion as the seconds ticked by.

“I can’t.” Seonghwa managed to say at last, throat dry. “I’m sorry.”

San’s frown wasn’t fading and it seemed it was less a frown of confusion and more a frown of concern because his hand was now at Seonghwa’s elbow and he was leaning forward, asking him if he was okay.

This didn’t help the situation. Seonghwa had been starting to feel trapped already and San coming closer was making that worse, had his muscles tensing and his chest tightening. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I’m fine.” He mumbled. The fact he was speaking made it evident that he could breathe and theoretically that should have calmed him down. But it didn’t, it felt like his heart was beating far too fast. He was trying to tell himself that it wasn’t, that he was overreacting, but it wasn’t working. He’d already been tired but now he was starting to feel shaky and a little sick.

“Are you sure?” San asked, unconvinced. “You’ve gone white as a sheet.”

“I’m sure.” Seonghwa told him with a nod. A nod that had him taking a step forward to steady himself and San tightening his grip on his sleeve.

“Come on,” San said, letting go of his sleeve and taking his hand. “You need to sit down.” He informed him, leaving no room for argument, leading him towards a nearby bench.

“I’m really okay.” Seonghwa protested as San took a seat and tugged on his hand, pulling him down to sit beside him. “I’m just tired.”

“You don’t look okay.” San told him, “You look pale and wan and not like yourself at all. Have you been ill? Is that why you haven’t been speaking to me much?”

San had dropped his hand now and Seonghwa didn’t know if this was a curse or a blessing. With San holding his hand he’d felt a bit more grounded, a little more safe. But then having San so close had been the instigator of his near panic attack in the first place so maybe it was a good thing he’d pulled away and was giving him some space. But this was it, wasn’t it? This was San giving him the prefect opener to tell him his baby news. And really, if he didn’t tell him now then would he ever? He’d already chickened out once. So Seonghwa took a breath and tried to steady himself. “I haven’t been feeling great but I’m not ill…” he told him, deciding that was a good start, “… I just… well… I… I’m pregnant.” He spat out at last, embarrassed that he’d tripped over the words the way he had. He sounded like an idiot.

But San didn’t call him on it, he was too busy studying his middle. Not that there was much to see. Seonghwa was showing enough fo