I

full of tricks, but rain on your cheeks.

1.) She looked sad.

2.) She had really delicate features.

Those were the things Wendy immediately registered the second patient number seven Bae Joohyun stepped into the room. The rest of the things Wendy quietly observed as the patient took off her black coat before she sat down on the couch. She was wearing the same white sweater Wendy saw a few days ago. Miss Bae straightened her back, wearing a small smile that felt insincere. A certain grace and elegance accompanied her movements, which Wendy very much admired. Bae Joohyun carried herself like a well-polished woman – like someone who was taught to be rigidly polite, or started learning the piano from a very young age, or even pressurized to attend ballet classes.

3.) Oversized clothes which might suggest lack of self-esteem

4.) Needed to correct her slacked posture

5.) Downturned lips that looked pink and soft (What kind of lipstick did this patient use?)

Wendy fixed a gentle smile – the one she used for all her patients – and poured a cup of herbal tea, sliding the cup towards the patient. Black hair spilled down the patient’s shoulders, framing her baby face. The patient looked beautifully distressed.

“Good afternoon, Miss Bae. Give the tea a try – I make some good tea.”

“I prefer coffee.”

“I see. I’ll remember that.” Wendy made sure her smile did not falter.

“Your features have yet to be tailored for that pseudo smile, Doctor.”

6.) Observant and blunt

Wendy was taken aback and she tried to mask her surprise with a chuckle. The way Miss Bae’s lips curled into a small smile told her that it was futile. She cleared , leaning back into her seat, resting her arms on the armrest and making sure her palms were facing up. The psychologist made sure her body gestures were relaxed, not wanting to let the patient know that she was slightly shaken up.

“So Miss Bae, would you mind telling me why you’re here?”

“My husband made an appointment.”

7.) Has a husband

8.) No hesitance when answering questions

Her eyes flickered towards the patient, raising her eyebrows. She saw Miss Bae making the appointment herself a few days ago, unable to comprehend why she needed to lie about something so trivial.

“I see…” Wendy nodded slowly, deciding not to let the girl know that she was aware of her lie.

Her eyes then drifted to Miss Bae’s ring finger. The action didn’t go unnoticed by her patient – she clasped her hands together, placing them in her lap. There was a certain insecurity in her actions and Wendy knew that her husband was definitely at least a part of her problem. She thought it might be domestic abuse or an extramarital affair, which would explain the lack of a ring on her finger.

This patient’s answers and actions were too contradictory – too contradictory to deduce that she was simply lying. It was too hard to delve into her. Wendy tried again, switching tact.

“Your husband must love you very much.”

“He should.” Miss Bae nodded slowly, her voice barely above a whisper.

A normal yes or no would have sufficed. It was an uncommon answer that troubled Wendy.

“You guys have any children?”

“I don’t.” She shook her head slowly.

“I see. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

“You’re going to diagnose me as clinically depressed, am I not right?”

“I haven’t come to a diagnosis yet, Miss Bae.”

“Every doctor I’ve been to has come to the same conclusion.”

“Then there’s a possibility of me having the same conclusion as well. Is that why you switched clinics?”

Miss Bae shook her head slowly before looking at Wendy straight in the eye.

“Dr Son, it seems like you don’t know what it feels like to be depressed,” Irene stated matter-of-factly.

“What?” Wendy blurted, rather offended.

The random statement felt more like an accusation to Wendy, who had completed her Bachelors and Masters within four years, who had always topped her class, and who had consistently received praise from all her professors. She gritted her teeth, ready to kick this patient out, if not for the fact that this patient looked so – for lack of better word – sad.

“Do you know how to swim?”

“Yes?”

“It’s like being in a vast ocean with no end in sight, without a life vest, without anything to help you stay afloat. You tread water for a very long time. You start getting tired. You’re trying so hard to keep your head above water,” she describes.

And then she looks down at her bare hands, head hanging low.

“But it’s just so tiring,” she whispers like it’s a confession. “Nobody’s here and maybe- maybe it’s easier to just let go.”

“…”

She raises her head again, eye devoid of emotion.

“This is what depression does, Doctor.”

The formal address suddenly felt like a jab laced with mockery. Wendy was the one offering help while Irene was the one seeking help, but she wasn’t quite sure why it felt like the exact opposite. Her eyes met Irene’s and the psychologist in her immediately tried to detect traces of emotion, only to be met by eyes that seemed like a canvas filled with empty darkness. It reminded Wendy of vacuums and black holes that caused life to ebb away.

“Yes, you’re right Miss Bae. Perhaps I may never fully understand what depression is like. But that is the limit of human empathy, is it not?” Wendy pointed out.

“Yes, it is.” The girl nodded weakly.

Wendy couldn’t help the sigh that made its way past her lips.

“So what is causing you distress?”

“I don’t know.  Sometimes, I think I know but I’m not sure at all. I don’t think my judgement is right.”

“Do you sleep well at night?”

“I try my best. It also depends on whether he is there.”

“I presume you’re referring to your husband?”

“Yes.”

“You must have a good relationship with your husband,” Wendy stated, trying to provoke some kind of reaction or disagreement from her.

“He goes to work in the morning. I’d do the laundry and iron his clothes. I’d go out to buy some groceries. I would cook and leave him some food because he returns really late at night, sometimes in the morning. Then I would buy beer from the convenience store and return home.”

“Beer? You drink?”

“No, my husband does.”

“You say that he always returns really late?”

“He’s a business man, so he works a lot.”

“I see. Is there anything else you want to let me know?”

“No.”

“Okay, I’ll refer you to another psychiatrist so that he’ll prescribe you some sleeping pills, but I’m making sure he’s giving you a very small dosage. If you still can’t sleep, let me or the psychiatrist know.”

“Alright.”

“And before you go, sign this please,” Wendy said, pushing a piece of paper towards Irene.

“What is this?”

“A contract,” Wendy curtly said.

“Contract. I forgot about it,” she murmured.

“It includes all the terms, cancellation policies, stuff like that,” Wendy explained briefly.

“Trite.” Miss Bae commented, despite nodding her head and signing it quickly.

The patient stood up, exhaling softly as if the session had exhausted her immensely.

“Thank you for your help today, Dr Son. I guess I’ll be seeing you next week?”

“Yeah. Thank you for coming, Miss Bae.”

“Call me Irene.”

They exchanged handshakes and Wendy led her to the door, ushering her out of the room. Once the door closed, Wendy plopped herself down on the couch where Irene had sat, looking up at the ceiling. She could still catch a whiff of perfume, presumably from Irene. It was overly sweet and awfully feminine, reminding Wendy of wives who tried to seduce their bored-of-marriage husbands or men who were not their husbands.

Even her perfume lingered.

Wendy folded her arms, still very much affected by Irene and her words. Her actions and words were too different, too incoherent to read. She needed to go back home and sleep on it. There was much pondering in order. Just as she was about to return to her desk, she noticed the cup of unfinished tea on the coffee table.

The tea was untouched.

Note to self: Remember to ask Seulgi to get a coffee machine by this week.

///

It was raining – the kind of rain that made people lazy and lonely, even dreary. Dark clouds saturated the sky, setting gloom and pessimism throughout the entire city. The monotonous pattering of the rain sent Wendy into a lazy spell, twirling a pen while skimming through a patient’s profile. Giving up after realizing that she had been reading the same word for the fifth time, she watched as the rain coursed down the windows of her office.  When she was far younger, she had always thought the raindrops were having a race to see which drop could make its way down the fastest. It had been fun to watch the raindrops compete. Now that she no longer viewed the world through rose-tinted glasses, she came to associate rain with much duller elements.

Loneliness, sadness, emptiness.

Irene.

She didn’t quite know why she related the depressing weather to Irene – possibly because the latter was equally depressing as well. The rain reminded Wendy of tears and it wasn’t hard to imagine tears flowing down Irene’s cheeks, under the guise of rain. The image of a crying Irene made Wendy uncomfortable, the feeling akin to a heavy weight bearing down on her chest. It felt slightly stifling and as a result, she inhaled deeply, trying to shake off the weird feeling.

Before she could even get back to what she was doing, there was a knock on her door. Yeri rushed in, feet pounding against the floor.

“Unnie, what are you still doing here?”

Wendy stopped spinning her pen, letting it drop on her desk, “Just going through a patient’s profile.”

“You don’t have any appointments left. You’re free for the rest of the day, you know?” Yeri asked, leaning against the side of her desk.

“I know. I just don’t feel like doing anything now.”

“Do you want to join us? Seulgi and I are having dinner at the nearby ramen restaurant.”

Wendy contemplated for a moment before shaking her head slowly, “It’s okay, go ahead. I still need to finish up.”

“Are you sure?” Yeri eyed her worriedly.

“Yes. I’m fine. Just feeling lazy. Don’t worry, I’ll close up here.”

“Okay. Don’t stay too late. Bye, unnie!” Yeri flashed a quick smile before heading out of the room, the door closing softly behind her.

Wendy sighed once Yeri was gone, shaking her head fondly. Yeri was always a ray of sunshine, despite the grey weather. Maybe Irene needed to spend some time with Yeri – she could use that bit of sunshine. She clicked her pen back in place before closing the file on her desk. She didn’t think she’d get any work done. Clicking her mouse, she shifted it around to wake her computer up. When the screen blinked to life, she immediately ordered a huge pack of three-in-one coffee sachets to be sent to her office soon.

When that was done, she turned off her computer while firing a text to Seulgi, telling her to get a coffee machine by the end of the week. A message pinged back immediately and Wendy chuckled at the message.

Seulgi: Too heavy. Get it yourself  >:(

Despite the message, Wendy knew Seulgi would still buy it. She stood up, yawning and stretching, hearing her joints crack satisfyingly. At least one task was out of the way. She looked out the window, noting the pouring rain.

It didn’t seem like it was going to stop any time soon.

///

Wendy realized that she really needed to check the weather forecast more often. She was stuck outside a paint shop and she really wished she had remembered her umbrella. The sheltered path could only bring her this far. The bus stop was just across the road but she couldn’t get to it without getting drenched like a wet chicken. She exhaled loudly, blowing her bangs. The rain really wasn’t going to stop. She fished out her phone, opening the group chat with Seulgi and Yeri. She really hated to impose on them but she had no choice but to ask them for help.

Wendy: Seulgi. Yeri. Help. Save me. I’m stuck because of the rain.

Yeri: Sorry unnie. We’re stuck too!!! ;;

Seulgi: lol why don’t you save us instead?

Wendy sighed, running a hand through her hair. She hated being stuck in the rain.

“Doctor Son?”

Wendy blinked at the familiar voice, turning around swiftly. She was greeted by Irene, who looked genuinely confused.

“Miss Bae? Hi, wow, what a coincidence. What are you doing here?”

“I was just looking around,” Irene shrugged, gesturing towards the paint shop behind her.

“Ah, I see.”

“You?”

“Unfortunately stuck in the rain because stupid me forgot an umbrella.”

“…Oh.”

Conversation became stagnant and Wendy finally had the chance to observe Irene. She looked immaculate, donned in the same black coat. Irene always looked so small and fragile, even though Wendy was a tad bit shorter than her. She reminded Wendy of a lonely waif who might break if not handled with care.

“By any chance, do you want my umbrella?” Irene suddenly asked, cutting her train of thought.

Wendy’s eyes widened at the thought of an Irene drenched in the rain, all because she took Irene’s umbrella. The thought was strangely parallel to the one she had earlier, with the image of Irene crying under the rain.

“No! It’s okay! You need it more than I do,” Wendy hurriedly rejected, shaking her head.

Irene shook her head, “My place is nearby and there’s shelter all the way. I don’t need it.”

“…Really?” Wendy questioned, eyeing her suspiciously.

“Yes. You can have it,” Irene said, ping her bag and taking out a blue umbrella.

She passed the umbrella to Wendy, who accepted it hastily, a bit embarrassed by the situation for some reason. She found it slightly awkward but she wasn’t sure if she was the only one who felt the discomfort. Nonetheless, it was a thoughtful gesture which warmed her on a cold day.

“Thank you, Miss Bae.”

Irene dismissed it with a brief and polite smile, “I thought I told you not to call me Miss Bae anymore.”

“Ah, right.” Wendy scratched her head. “Thank you, Irene.”

She bowed profusely in thanks. To be absolutely honest, Wendy was more than confused. The Irene she had met a few days ago was different from this Irene. This Irene felt simpler, a little more approachable. Possibly because her words weren’t rhymes that Wendy needed to figure out. She didn’t know which one she liked better.

When Wendy finally looked up, she gasped quietly because Irene was directing a bright, albeit small, smile at her. This was different from her usual smiles. It wasn’t the soft lips that curved gently, but the eyes that somehow seemed warmer, the gaze far softer. Wendy never thought such a sincere smile could be worn by someone supposedly so broken.

“You’re welcome, Wendy.”

///

a/n: i am no psychologist, this is all fiction so take things with a pinch of salt. feel free to correct me too if you have the knowledge :) wear a mask, drink lots of water, stay safe :)