Please Don’t Judge Me

 

This has been our biggest fight so far. Never before has Jisoo yelled at me like that. Never before have I seen this conflict on his face, the fight that he did want to cuss me but didn’t because it went against his belief. I have noticed him avoiding me, of course I have, but I wouldn’t have thought that those pictures, taken in a night full with too much alcohol and too little care in the world, would cause so much harm.

I turn on some music to distract myself, but it does little help. I skip through my ballads playlist, one that always manages to comfort me. But not on this day.

Suddenly, my finger hovers over the ‘next’ button without pressing it. Familiar tunes start playing and just seconds later, the song starts with the words “I don’t wanna go there, we should never go there. Why you wanna go there? I guess I gotta go there”. The display blurs in front of my eyes because it’s our song, our Please Don’t Judge Me. So why is he judging me now?

 

The day on which the song got meaning was during our third date. The date itself could have been better, but my best friend Jun had made me promise to go out with him and Minghao that night. It was only afterwards that I remembered that I had initially planned a date with Jisoo. But a promise is a promise. So I asked Jisoo if he wanted to come along. He was hesitant at first, but in the end, he agreed anyway.

I was really glad that he had agreed. Jun probably not so much because I invited Minghao, Jun’s boyfriend, over earlier than planned so he could help me pick out a good outfit for the night. It wasn’t like I didn’t have good outfits to go clubbing, I had many. But I needed to have the best one!

Minghao laughed at my attempts, but he took his time with approaching my closet and picking through my clothes. And yet when we met Jisoo at the club, he still looked better than I did.

And then there in the club, after hours of chatting, drinking, snacking, and dancing, we were still on the dance floor and the DJ a slower song, dedicating it to all the couples. And Jisoo told me how well the song fit as a dedication to couples because the singer asked his lover not to judge him. And I had answered that I hoped Jisoo wouldn’t judge me for my next move before leaning in and kissing him for the first time.

 

The next time I heard the song was at Jisoo’s birthday party. He was the only one whom I knew at that party, so it had taken a bit of convincing from Jun’s side until I indeed went to the party. Most of the time, I could easily stay close to Jisoo, but during the few times that he wasn’t by my side, I felt super awkward and was glad to have at least a plastic cup in my hand.

His friends did seem very nice, though, and I was able to get in contact with some of them who told me more about Jisoo. The new stories were absolutely worth having gone to the party!

There was a free space in the living room of Jisoo’s home that was used as a makeshift dance floor. Most of the songs were upbeat songs, some American pop, some K-Pop, but some ballads had also been mixed into the playlist.

And then this song came on and Jisoo suddenly interrupted his friend who had been sharing some story just to pull me back on the dance floor and pull me closer and then I found myself slow-dancing with Jisoo for the second time. I remember how close he was to me, how certain his moves felt and yet how fast his heart beat when I placed my hand over it on his back until he scolded me that that’s now how slow-dancing works.

And then he leaned closer, mumbling something along the lines of how this time I should judge him before he kissed me.

 

Our first fight happened in spring. I don’t remember the details that had led to the fight, only that it vaguely had to do with the fact that I had been super stressed because of exams first and when I was finally off, Jisoo claimed that he didn’t have time now because yes, exams were over, but there was something else coming up. Back then, I couldn’t understand why something else then had to be more important than me, his boyfriend.

That evening, after crying my eyes out on Jun’s shoulder for hours and fearing that things were over between Jisoo and me, Jisoo sent me a link. Behind the link was our song. I called him afterwards and we talked until deep into the night. I think the call only ended after both of us had fallen asleep and his phone died in the middle of the night.

 

Since then, the song accompanied us everywhere: to vacations, to our parties, as teases from our friends (‘please don’t judge me’ and ‘don’t you dare judge me’ were probably the two sentences that we all were most fluent in in English). But wherever we were, there was also the song.

 

And two weeks ago, when Jun had his bachelor party, we heard the song while we were walking through Hongdae. Jisoo hadn’t been able to come along that night because he had been really sick. So when we heard the song blasting from a bar, we stopped, and the feeling of missing Jisoo even though we were only apart for a few hours suddenly became overwhelming, emphasized by the alcohol. And so Jun and I had stood there, arm in arm, slow dancing to this song, singing our hearts out in broken English but to lyrics that felt like they had been tattooed onto my heart. And our friends had joked how much we could pass as a couple if it wasn’t for both of us having boyfriends – well, Jun having a fiancé and me having a boyfriend, to be exact.

I couldn’t believe that friend that night, but when I saw the pictures he and the others had taken (they called it the ‘Boyfriend Photoshoot’ and it indeed had a lot of similarities to a proper photoshoot), I realized where their comments had come from.

 

I have no idea how Jisoo only found out about those photos now, why I forgot to tell him about this joke. But he saw them while I wasn't around. He heard the others talk about the ‘Boyfriend Photoshoot’.

I don’t know if there was more teasing today, but when we met again this evening, he looked even more stressed than before, and just when I asked him if I could do anything for him, he yelled at me. About how I could have been so irresponsible. About how Jun was married now. About how he expected more from me. About how I let him down.

About how he isn’t sure if he can still trust me after seeing those pictures.

The song comes to an end, Chris Brown asking his partner one more time to let things be beautiful and to not ‘go there’, to not fight.

Another song starts, but I press the ‘pause’ button because it’s meaningless. If ‘Please Don’t Judge Me’ doesn’t mean anything, no song means anything. Why should I wallow in someone else’s love pain when I was already told to go and ask not to be judged, to make things right and let things be beautiful again between Jisoo and me.

I wipe over my eyes and know that I feel calm enough to face Jisoo again. Even on this day, this song is able to work its magic.

More determined, I leave my room, but then still hesitate before I can knock on Jisoo’s door. His words still hurt. Especially the last ones.

The door opens and Jisoo looks at me, his eyes red and puffy, but he forces new tears back. He sniffles, though, making it more than obvious that his facade is a purely artificial one.

“Will you let me explain myself? You promised not to judge me, after all,” I manage to ask before my voice breaks and the next tear escapes his eye. Then another. And another. Until he finally pushes the door fully open and then he’s holding me and I’m clinging on to him like my life depends on it. And maybe it does.

“Let’s make this beautiful again?” I choke out between new tears and Jisoo nods, crying too hard to answer verbally.

 

 

 

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Hey~ I'm very sorry if there are any mistakes in here, I basically just got the inspiration, wrote it, and uploaded it. I hope you enjoyed it~ If you did, please let me know in the comments <3

By the way, in case any of you are interested in this, the reason why I like the song so much is this:

 

Thank you for reading~ Have a nice day <3