How about you? Do you ever think of me sometimes?

-Beast, Midnight

Want… Need… Love… Where do people draw the line?

I could imagine the devil’s face as he sees where I am now. He must look so amused. My fate is his to toy with, since God decided to ignore my prayers once again.

Because here I was, and out of all places, my ex girlfriend’s party, have found myself in one room with the woman I swore I want nothing to do with my life.

I could make up a dumb excuse though so I could leave, maybe tell Rosé I have a headache or something like that.

But truth is, I was kidding myself. As much as I want to forget Mina, I find myself trying to steal a glance of her. Sometimes our eyes would meet in a gaze, but not a second would pass and our gaze would go back to the different worlds they belong to.

We were in the same room, but we might as well be in from two different planets.

She looks different in this kind of light though, or was it the aura she was sending? I guess in that hotel room she looks human to me, easy for me to touch and hold. But right now, among all these mortals she was simply a Goddess. Like a faint touch can turn you into stone.

Mina was like a car crash to me, you know, you’re supposed to just keep on driving, but still you can’t help but stop and look anyways.

And I curse myself for doing that, I couldn’t stomach the way Bambam’s arm are s around her waist. As if he’s showing her off as his property.

I was never fond of Bambam, he was one of Rosé’s American friends who lives his life out of his parents riches. While most of us try to make something of ourselves, he spends all his time, spending all his parents money.

The thought of him touching her, doing the things that she did with me, of course him being a man makes a difference. And the thought of that again, finally made me sick to the pit of my stomach.

“I wonder what bar Bambam picked that girl up?”

That finally woke me up from my trance as I hear one of Rosé’s “friends” talking about Mina.

“I don’t know… knowing Bambam, he probably just picked her up from the side of the street or something…”

I gulp down my wine, trying to ignore the crass remarks from this group of women who looks invisible next to Mina.

It was definitely a good example of jealousy. People say the harshest things about strangers just because they can’t find anything wrong with them.

“Now, now ladies…” Rosé intervened, you might think that she’s going to break up this b*tchfest but I could hint from the tone of her voice where this was going. “Be nice… no matter how much of an a-hole Bambam is, he’s a friend and if he wants to show off his sl*t to the party, then let’s just be supportive shall we?”

Their laughter sounded more like clanging in my ears, and that headache that I was supposed to fake was becoming real, thanks to the laughter from these women.

“I need to-“

“Hello… ladies…”

This was the perfect time to leave, but I find myself glued to the ground. As much as I want to go, a part of me was begging to stay.

How could Bambam not realize what he’d done? Bringing Mina over to the girls is like similar to putting a doe in a den of hungry wolves. At least the doe would end up dead, these women can only wish that you were dead…

“Hello Bambam…”

Their eyes turned judgmental, condemning every inch of Mina’s existence. I see how cold Mina’s eyes are, it was obvious she knew what the girls were thinking. And she’s trying her damn hardest to look stronger.

“Can I leave my gorgeous girl here with you ladies? While I head over to the bathroom?”

“What about your friends?” Rosé tries to sound polite, because obviously it would feel awkward having Mina around them.

“You know I can’t trust those jerks with my lady here…”

I almost slap Bambam as he pinches her bottom. Mina already looks as bad as she is, and what he did just made her look worse than before.

“Ok… I’ll see you later, baby…”

And Bambam strolls off to wherever, leaving Mina here to fend for herself.

“This is a lovely party you have here…”

Mina sounded sincere, but the only response she had was sour smiles.

“Thank you.” Rosé just said it out automatically, before returning her attention to her friends. They immediately put a wall around, making sure Mina couldn’t join in.

“Mina, have you met Jia?”

“No…”

“She’s Bambam’s ex.”

Here it comes the silent lashing, that could leave anyone bleeding.

Jia just answers Mina by staring her from head to toe, before the girls starts to giggle knowingly, all in Mina’s expense.

“So, tell us, Mina, how did you and Bambam meet?”

“Are you hungry, Mina?”

Everyone turned to me with questioning look.

“Because I’m starving… Rosé, why don’t I show Mina here the table, and just tell Bambam I’ll bring Mina back in one piece.”

I didn’t wait for them to respond as I lead Mina away from them.

“Thanks for doing that.”

I turned and saw a small smile bordering on Mina’s lips.

“No… I’m just really hungry… You look like you’re hungry too…”

That small smile turned into a lovely grin.

“A little bit…”

“Well, here try this..”

I was about to put some waldorf salad in her plate, when I caught sight of the girls staring at us. At that moment, I realize I wasn’t any better than Bambam, I had made it worse for Mina as I took her away. Now Mina was now in Rosé’s line of sight.

“No worries… I… ummm… here” I handed her the plate “I just had to go to the bathroom.”

I didn’t want to leave her but I just had too…

*

“Chaeyoung, are you okay?”

I looked up in the mirror and saw that it wasn’t just me in the reflection. There she was Mina, the woman I was trying to forget, face to face in the mirror.

I let out a laugh… “Why? Do I look that crappy to you?”

“What? No… you look amazing…”

As if the tension isn’t awkward enough, here was Mina saying things like this.

“Oh ok… What made you think I don’t feel good?”

“I just…nothing… I was just… wondering…”

“Well… don’t… isn’t it against your protocol to talk to other people, while you’re with a client?”

I said it, I said those words that would perfectly draw the line between her world and mine.

“Chaeyoung.. why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Next thing you’re trying to be my hero, then next thing you’re pushing me away.”

“I just feel bad for you, that’s all… Don’t confuse pity for something else.”

That made her quiet, but the look in her eyes tells everything should have.

“I…I better go…”

It was her who left first…

And it was me who was wishing she could have stayed.

*

Flashback

It was always those little things that could make men’s hair just raised in anticipation. A slight brush in the arm, a sensual bite on the lower lip and an intense gaze, do this three perfectly and the man is yours.

This client was pretty bold to meet in a restaurant before heading out to the hotel. He says he was lonely, that his wife wasn’t paying attention to him after their twins were born. And here I was, looking at him sympathetically as if I shared his pain. Bull.. he’s just like every guy I know…

I felt like the world around me just disappeared as I saw the shadow of a familiar girl. I saw her again so sophisticated and elegant in her business suit and that face that even angels would be jealous off.

To say I didn’t think of her would be a lie. Images of her, her smile, those eyes, they were like pieces just painting a portrait inside my head.

In this kind of business the word friends does not exist. I was lucky I have found Sana but other than that, it was a pretty lonely business. It was teeming with competitions and people out to destroy you.

This business has become my world that I couldn’t tell apart which people belongs in there and which one doesn’t.

But here I was my head filled with afterthoughts of my client a couple of nights ago.

Something dug inside of me, clutching my heart out of my chest when I saw her walk in with a red hair beauty. That it left me wondering, What was Chaeyoung even doing with me that night? When obviously, someone with her beauty could lure any girl to her clutches.

I’m supposed to be the one who lured her, not her luring me…

“Ms. Myoui?”

This client’s voice woke me up from my trance

“Oh… Mr. Choi… Hahahahahaha… I’m sorry, I got lost there for a second…”

I could say he was slightly irritated, but he ignores it and press his marital problems up in my face.

“Now about my wife…”

I disappeared in my own thoughts again, until I find myself locking gaze with the Chaeyoung. It was my mistake for drawing such a blurred line for both business and pleasure.

Maybe if I didn’t see her, this feeling would just sink into nothingness. But it is as if life liked to play cruel tricks, picking me as its fool as here we are in one place.

Our business thrives in discretion, one false move and you can end up in the headlines. You NEVER greet or even cared about a client’s existence out in open space.

Never did I feel like such a sl*t that I really am, until I saw the gaze Chaeyoung gave me. She looks scared as if I was a conniving woman ready to expose her dirty secret in no time.

I turned away, trying to force myself to get interested to what my client was saying. After a few minutes, I notice her standing up, pulling her date’s chair as they were about to leave.

Maybe I could finally breathe when she leaves, but instead I ended up struggling to breathe.

Maybe if I was lucky, this would be the last time we’ll see each other. And someday when I look at this, I would just laugh about it. Laugh at myself to actually thought of someone else.

*

Cruel, it’s simply cruel.

How could I move on when she just seems to be everywhere.

“So, this is my lovely date, Mina…”

I notice Chaeyoung’s eyes shifting sideways, either refusing to look at me, or look at me and Bambam together. I could understand how awkward her situation might be, here we are, at her ex girlfriend’s party.

“Mina, this is the future supreme court judge Son  Chaeyoung…”

“Awww… you’re flattering me too much.” Chaeyoung says sarcastically before gulping down her wine.

“Well, you are!” Bambam announced. “Her father owns one of the largest law firms in our country and maybe someday, you’ll run it, huh Chaeng?”

“We’ll see… things could happen.”

I see Chaeyoung swirling her wine around as if totally interested of being the topic of conversation.

“She and Rosé are like, ummm… I don’t know… enlighten me here, Chaeyoung… are you two still dating or something?”

“We're working things out.”

Earlier Chaeyoung can’t even look at me, but this time Chaeyoung look straight into my eyes when she said that. As if she wants to prove, that all we had was nothing more but a business transaction.

“Good for you!” Bambam break into a booming laughter. “You two make such a hot pair.”

“We are. Aren’t we?”

She looks straight at me as she said that.

“Yes. You are.”

I wasn’t going to lose this game…

“Bambam, sweetie…” I brush my hand gently on his cheek. “Can you go over and hand me some wine?”

“Anything for you, darling.”

I wanted to break his arm off as he slaps my , but I kept it cool. It seems like I just have to deal with Bambam’s obsession for my bottom.

We waited until Bambam was out of earshot when we finally spoke…

“I…”

“I…”

We spoke at the same time before laughing awkwardly. I guess if you had a first meeting like we both had, you would be awkward too.

“Your girlfriend knows how to throw a party…” I was the one who spoke first, but instead of answering, Chaeyoung just shrugs as if it doesn’t concern her at all before finishing off her wine. “Maybe you had to much too drink.“

“You don’t get to tell me what to do…” she hissed…

“I’m not… I’m just…”

“You’re just what Mina? I didn’t pay you tonight so whatever I do, does not concern you.”

She clenches her teeth together as if she’s afraid to speak anything anymore.

“I… I have to go…” She turns away, but she looks back again “It was nice to see you again. But God damn hope this is the last time.”

Those were her last words before she wobbled away to that Rosé girl, and I just stared at her… thinking the same thing.

You and me, both, Chaeyoung, You and me both…

End of flashback

*

I was a regular at this hotel for business reasons and I always kept a room different from where I hold my meetings.

And after all that happened tonight, with me and Chaeyoung being caught in this emotional whirlwind, all I want is to escape this all.

I was rummaging my purse for my hotel card when I felt someone stopped the elevator from shutting. I didn’t pay much mind to it, until I felt her standing toe to toe with me.

Chaeyoung ended up stumbling in my arms, I could sniff the intoxicating scent of alcohol in her breath.

“Chaeyoung?”

“I can’t let him touch you! I can’t!”

She leans closer pressing her forehead against mine.

“Is that the kind of man you want? Someone who displays you like a freaking trophy?”

“If that’s what he wants to do then so be it”

“No! I wont let him! Not him, not anyone…”

She cups my cheeks and starts to shake as her eyes began to brim with tears.

“You didn’t know how I felt when I saw you in that restaurant with that man. You look at me, like I’m not even there, like that man matters more to me than I ever will to you. ”

“Chaeyoung… I… I…”

“I know he’s a client, and I know that’s what I am to you too…”

“If this is pity Chaeyoung… then I don’t need it…”

“Pity?” Chaeyoung starts to laugh “We're both pitiful persons Mina…”

I taste the wine in our kiss, but most of all I tasted Chaeyoung.

“I wish this will all go away, but it wouldn’t. I just find myself thinking of you. And I see you with these men, who’s going to… going to…”

The moment she heaves a deep breath, her tears started to pour out.

“I don’t know what to do. A part of me told me if you want this then who am I to stop you? But its like I’m fooling myself, because I know I can never live with the thought of anybody being with you.”

The taste of her tongue was starting to intoxicate me slowly. But instead of pulling away, I let myself get drunk with our kisses.

I wrap my arms around her. It felt like sand slipping through my fingers, yet I desperately hold on, even if I was left with nothing more but one grain.

The elevator door traveled to a few floors and we were ready to make a chaos out of our world again, when the ding of the elevator jolt us to reality.

“Oh phew Thank God I made it…”

We pulled away from each other the same time, murderous intent floating through my head as our own little world found an intrusion.

The man pressed the button for the 8^th floor. each glowing numbers moving at such a sluggish pace, it was almost torturous.

I clench tight to the elevator rail when I heard the elevator ding, fearing that my hands would grab on Chaeyoung before this man could stepped out.

As soon as the elevator doors close she didn’t waste a second, slamming her palm on the elevator brake to halt it from moving, to halt anyone else from intruding.

“Be mine tonight, Mina…”

And I never knew how a heart ache felt like until now. Here I was kissing Chaeyoung fervently, yet here she is trying to think logically of our situation.

“I want you…” I whisper pleadingly “I want you…” I moan between our kisses… “I want you…” I ask desperately

I was never the one for words, and it wasn’t like what I was feeling now can be summed up in a pretty sentence. What I feel for Chaeyoung were a bunch of words, creating more chaos inside my already messed up head. But then I look at Chaeyoung, and it was enough to make me realize.

It wasn’t my head who was making these irrational decisions for me, it was the beating part of my chest, who was creating this in me.

I let out a hiss, when Chaeyoung spun me around, pinning me to the elevator rails.

“Y-you don’t know how much I want you…” She confessed before pressing her lips on mine.

And we kissed again, I could feel the frustration pouring out of our every kiss.

She used to be just pieces of images and now that I was seconds to touching her again, I felt that image slowly forming into one, creating an effect of me I thought I could just push away.

I didn’t even bother wondering where this might head. Because right now, in these four corners of this elevator I will take what’s mine…

I could feel her hand traveling throughout my body, finding the zipper at the back of my dress. My dress has slowly slipped off my shoulder as Chaeyoung lowers the zipper.

I shuddered. Not because of the cold, but because of the light kisses that she press on my bare chest.

Our tongues tangled again for the nth time, this time we kiss without fear. We kissed like we are supposed to kiss. It was only when I felt Chaeyoung intrude me that I pulled away, biting her lower lip in excitement. Her touch felt so ravenous, moving inside me in a pace that left me breathless. She lifted me higher, feeling her taking me deeper.

With trembling fingers I took her too, making her gasp as she became mine.

I bury my face in her neck, trying to hide my smile when I felt her shiver. I was completely satisfied that I could create an effect like this on her too. And when I see how her eyes were close, basking in the pleasure I was giving her, I knew I have never deserve anyone this perfect.

Every push made Chaeyoung mine…

We clutch tightly on each other, as we struggle to stay upright, one arm to hold, the other for pleasure.

And suddenly everything went still and both of us starts to subside in each other.

We kiss slowly this time, taking in breaks in between as Chaeyoung help me with my dress while I try to fix her hair.

The elevator door opened again. We might have been a sight to see to this bickering couple, our arms still wrapped around each other and our lips never parting.

I could hear the wife bickering at her husband for watching us. We didn’t care, we didn’t kiss to please her, we did it for us.

*

I could hear my voice echoed throughout the hotel room as Chaeyoung brought me this feeling again.

We were laying side by side, our chest moving in unison as we try to catch our breath.

I could find myself smiling a tinge bit. Somehow tonight gave me a sense of hope, as if maybe I deserve to be happy, even just for a little while.

It would be hard, but maybe we could make this work. Maybe what me and Chaeyoung have could really turn into something quite special.

I wanted to wrap my hand around her. But I didn’t even touch her yet when she immediately pulled away. And that quickly, all the happiness I thought I could finally have and all the things that I’m willing to do to make us work, it just disappeared… There in that hotel room, everything in me just shattered.

And as simple as Chaeyoung’s actions were, it was enough to take the life out of me.

So, this is what happens? When the alcohol has subsided in our system and we are stripped of our courage. When all that is left is the bitter taste of mistake, were much of a coward to stand up for it.

I was the mistake in her life, while she was the best thing that ever happened in mine.

“Where are you going?”

She asks as I climbed out of bed.

“To shower. Bambam must be pissed at me for disappearing on him.”

I wished I didn’t turn back as I see how her eyes look. It wasn’t anger or disgust, it was hurt and for me that was worse.

But Chaeyoung, Son Chaeyoung, she was going to be somebody. She’s going to take over her family’s law firm and establish a name for herself. I don’t want to be the one who would tarnish all the hard work that she put for.

“Y-you’re still going back to him?”

“Why yes… He did pay me for one whole night… now I have to give him a discount for vanishing out of nowhere”

“You were with me the whole time and you were thinking of him?”

I could hear the waver of her voice and I tried to still mine, just so I could appear stronger than her.

“Business always comes before pleasure, Chaeyoung. You should know that since you’re a workaholic yourself.”

I just needed one more shot to finally end this.

“Just leave your pay at the bedside table.”

And I didn’t wait for her to retaliate, I quickly shut the bathroom door to put a boundary between us.

And now all alone in this bathroom, with no one to judge me, no one to see, I could finally break down and cry.

*

The room was empty just as I expected. The only thing that lingered was the scent of Chaeyoung’s perfume on the sheets.

I saw her check on the bedside table, the amount probably worth a month of what I make. I felt like a crazy person laughing as I look at the check. I just find it so ironic that before I would work my off to get paid this amount of money, but now that I have it in my hands, it’s worthless.

And just when I thought I run out of tears, here I was again, succumbing to my weakness… Do you cry over something you want? Does your heart gripped you tighter for something you need?

Or does the want and need change into something else?

Want, need or love… Where did that line started to become so blurry?

TBC