I looked at my watch and it was nearing to 7pm. Mom had reminded me umpteen times that I need to arrive before 7.30pm and yet, it almost slipped my mind today. If Yunho, my fiancée did not called me today, I would have worked have worked overtime to finish up on my classroom decorations.  

When things couldn’t get any more worse, my car couldn’t start and the rain got heavier and heavier.

I cursed at myself as I watched my car being towed away. Yunho had offered to fetch me from work and go to the family gathering together but I turned him down. I could not hide my embarrassment in my tone as I called Yunho to fetch me from here.

As I ordered my green tea with special request to have whipped cream and cocoa powder on top, I called my mom and told her about my situation.

She sighed.

Yunho called me back again 10 minutes saying that he will be late as there was a huge accident at the expressway.

I sighed.

 

I sipped my green tea waiting for him as I watch the droplets of water flowing down the glass walls. The sound of the rain was similar to the sound of time ticking. The lights at the cafes along the opposite streets created beautiful reflections on the puddles of water. I watched people walked with their umbrellas and cars moving slowly down the road.

 

The café was pretty empty. There was only a couple sitting at the corner of the café and myself. Only sounds of the baristas making coffee and coffee machines accompanied the 90s music playing in the café. I heard the door opening and the baristas welcoming whoever that came in with a cheerful tone.

I heard a man ordered a cup of green tea with cream and powdered cocoa. My ears rang. I have never had anyone who had similar taste as me. Yunho thought green tea and chocolate tastes disgusting. I turned my head to face the back of a man in a suit carrying an umbrella and a laptop bag. Seemed like he just got off work too. There were many company buildings around the kindergarten school I was working at.  

Just then, he turned around while sipping his takeaway drink and our eyes met.

 

My heart skipped a beat.

My lips went slightly apart.

He came towards me.

His smile was still captivating.

His eyes still looking pure and innocent.

His face seemed to stop ageing 15 years ago.

He stood in front of me with his hands out.

You, it’s really you. My first love.

 

 

 

‘It’s really you’ were the first thing I uttered to him before realizing how silly I was to greet him in that manner. Him sitting in front of me with his drink seemed all too familiar. It was like what happened 17 years ago.

 

I waited for him at KFC after school. It was a hotspot for students to eat as they had student discounts and it was near school. From his tall figure, I could spot him entering the fast food restaurant amongst the crowd. He had an Adidas bag over one of his shoulder with his baseball bat sticking out. He did not changed out of baseball uniform and his blue cap accentuates his boyish charms and features. He took off his hat and his hair fell messily covering his forehead. In his white sports shoes, he walked over as soon as he spotted me and sat in front of me with that dashing smile.

Now 17 years later, he was now sitting in front of me with his dark blue suit with matching pants and ties. White undershirt with a pair of brown suede shoes. He had his front hair up and gelled. He pushed back his pair of black glasses. He straightened his suit and I could smell a hint of cologne coming from him.

 

I asked what he was doing here and he answered that he was working at the law firm to opposite to where I was working. To my surprised, he had actually been working there for 2 years as a lawyer there and yet, I have never seen him before.

He was so near to me and yet I have never bumped into him before. If the car didn’t breakdown and the rain did not pour today, I would have missed him again!

 

I wondered how many time we have missed each other.

 

I smiled at the thought that he had become a lawyer. He had ambitions to be a lawyer like his father. In school, we studied together at all different kinds of places. From library to cafes and sometimes at the bench in the park. I would sometimes make little bentos for us to snack and we will always listen to Kim Dong Ryul songs using my MP3. We were the studious kind of couple.

And I was so happy when he got into Yonsei University. We came from a small town in Gangwon-do which is so miles away from Seoul. And to go to a university in Seoul was a big deal. On the other side, I got myself in a local school in the early childhood department. 

I still remember the first time I send him on his first day at the university school. I skipped school on that day and waited in front of his apartment. We walked down to his school hand in hand and talking about how we should meet each other at least once a month. If we can’t, we can write letters.

 

“And you are a kindergarten teacher right?” he asked and I nodded. I had been in the early childhood field for 11 years and nothing brings me joy then children coming of my class laughing and smiling.

He laughed as he mentioned that he knew I was a kindergarten teacher from the way I dressed. I mean who would wear baby blue dress with white cardigan, pointed flat shoes and carrying an oversized tote bag filled with art materials and laptop to work? I wagged my finger at how mischievous he still was.

“I thought you hated anything that’s yellow,” he recalled.

“Oh well, times have changed. And yellow is not all that bad, you know?”

“Yeah.. yeah..” he rolled his eyes.

We both smiled at how successful both of us have become and achieving our dreams. Those sleepless nights and surviving on ramen together was worth it.

 

He gazed over the window and hummed to the café playing Lee Sun Hee’s Turning the pages of memory.’ Unconsciously, I hummed along as I stared at him. It was one of the songs I had in my MP3 back then. He made my heart skipped a beat like how he did to me 15 years ago. This is the thing about him. He don’t have to wink or do any cute actions to make me feel mesmerized by him. He just looked effortless already. And only he can make feel this way. And today, he was making me feel the same way again.

I sipped my green tea when I realized I was staring at him too much.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we both get to see ourselves to be successful?” he stopped humming.

I stopped sipping.

 

He turned to look me in the eyes. “What if we were still together even though we were far apart back then? And we continue standing by each other as we enter adulthood together?”

He added, “we promised ourselves 15 years ago remember?”

 

I bite my lips and my mind wandered.

There were no Instagrams, Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitters during those times. The only way of communicating was through phones, pagers and letters. My family was not very well off like he was. Thus, I could not afford pagers and the only way to call him was using the public phones. Moreover, public phones always has long queues. Meeting each other was getting harder as we were both busy. Letters took long to reach but that was the only way.

Slowly, the frequency of sending out letters became lesser and lesser. And soon, I found myself not knowing what to write. We don’t have a common story anymore and I couldn’t relate to his stories anymore. They will be filled with stories about life in the city, city friends, city jokes and city places.

The last time I saw him was during his university graduation. It was our first meet in 2 years. We both knew that our relationship was not going the way it was supposed to be and we felt lonely even though we were beside each other. We came to a realization that nothing is working out. As we sat down at a café nearby the university, we both agreed that we had to part ways. We agreed to continue being friends and to meet up if we happen to be nearby.

 

I remember pretending to be okay but cried throughout my 5 hours journey back home on that same night. The only news I got from him was several months later when he was leaving to the US to further his studies in law. Ever since that, never had I heard of him.

 

And now, he was here again. Right in front of me.

 

“You see..” he spoke. “There’s so many things that I still remember about you.”

I gulped.

 

“I remembered you hated yellow and your dreams to be a kindergarten teacher. The song that Lee Sun Hee sang, I remember that it was your favourite and I used to hate green tea but look at this!” He pointed to the exact same green tea with cream and cocoa powder on top that he had ordered.

My heart swayed at the thought that we could rekindle our relationship like old times. To be honest, sometimes when I had a fight with Yunho, I do thought the same thing as he did. “What if I was still with him? What are the things that will be different?”

Maybe this was an opportunity given to me to be with him again. I mean what are the odds of this happening again.

 

As if he was reading my mind, he muttered, “what are the odds of this happening again?”

He stopped and looked down at my hand.

 

A ring.

 

Just as I was about to open my mouth, Yunho came in.

I told him to wait outside for me.

I faced him again and sat down.

I took a deep breath.

 

“I’ll be honest. I almost wanted to take this chance with you. That man, I can easily just break the engagement just like that and be with you again. Like you said, what are the odds. But you see, unfortunately, 15 years ago, things didn’t go our way. And today, things were still not going our way. Times have changed.. Even if you have not changed, I have changed. Even if we are together, the gap is too wide for us to catch up on our lives. ”

“Is it because we were too late? You know we can still be friends if you want and catch up on our lives.”

I glanced at Yunho who was leaning against his car and smiling at me through the glass door.

“I would like our lives to stay like it should be and us… to remain what is it now.”

I gave him a smile and proceeded to walk out of the café and into Yunho’s car.

 

As the car drove, I try hard not to look back at him.

 

Yunho might have noticed that I was not my usual self and asked me if there was anything that I was comfortable to share.

I admitted, “I coincidentally met my first love when I was 18. And, I shall admit, I was swayed.” Yunho smiled.

“You’re not angry?”

He shook his head. I tilted my head in confusion.

 

“Well, we were all someone else’s first love. Even myself. First love are meant to be one of our most beautiful memories. Because that the first time you will experience heartbreak, love, anticipation, kindness, and anxiousness. So I am not scolding you on something so beautiful. But whatever it is, all first love stories is a thing of the past. Because you and him are standing at different junctions in your own respective lives.” I listened quietly.  

 

He continued, “what matters the most is the last person whom you want to spend your life with because you will walking together on that same junction until the end.” I smiled.

 

The song ‘Turning pages of Memories’ by Lee Sun Hee started playing on the radio. I opened the window and smelled the fast air breezing through my hair. We were all someone's first love. Unfortunately, not all first love comes with commas. Some first loves comes with a full stop. 

Just like the title of the song, I had opened my of my old book filled with pages of memories of him. But now, it has come to an end that I closed the bitter-sweet story of my first love.

 

And it’s a story titled you.