March 2007

            Jinki carefully dropped his backpack as he kicked off his shoes and quietly closed the door with one of his feet. In his other arm was Junghee, sleeping with her cheek squished against his chest. He had picked her up from his Ma on the way home from school and as she had missed her morning nap having to go to work with Ma, Jinki didn’t want to wake her up prematurely. He had become some sort of a master at making it up the stairs and getting her into her bed without waking her up, so much so that both his parents asked him to take her up to bed if she fell asleep somewhere else in the house. 

            He pushed her hair from her face before leaving with a quiet click of the door, baby monitor gripped in his other hand. Next was getting the keys from the lock on the door and looking through the mail he had shoved into his backpack quickly before getting Junghee out of the car. He hung his keys on the hook by the door and flipped through the mail with his backpack over his shoulder, making his way into the kitchen. All of the other mail dropped from his fingers onto the table when he saw the name in the top corner of the envelope. Vanderbilt. 

            Jinki knew he should wait for his parents, but his hands were shaking and he also knew that waiting would be like shooting his nerves in the face.  His thumb was pushed under the opening of the envelope when he heard a key sliding into the front door. After a quick glance at the clock on the stove he knew Mom wasn’t yet to be home for a few more hours, and his Ma even longer. Before panic could fully settle Taemin’s happy voice could be heard, “Jinki?”

            “Shh, Junghee’s sleeping.” 

            “Oh, . My bad.” Then he froze halfway down the hall. “Wait, are Mom and Ma home?”

            Jinki snorted, “No, your horrid language usage is safe.” 

            “Good.” He grinned brightly, sliding into one of the dining chairs and leaning heavily on his elbows. Then his eyes caught the envelope in Jinki’s hands. “What’s that?” 

            “Nothing.”

            “If it’s nothing lemme see it.” Jinki pulled the envelope closer to his chest and Taemin’s eyes narrowed. “Jinki.”

            “No.”

            “What is it?”

            Jinki miscalculated how close he was to the chair behind him and stumbled, allowing Taemin to reach over and snatch the letter from his hand. “Taeter wait!” 

            The smile on Taemin’s face fell as he slowly looked up from the envelope. “Vanderbilt? You applied to Vanderbilt?” 

            The older boy sighed, “It’s the best school for education majors.” 

            “It’s also in Tennessee.” 

            “I haven’t even opened it Taeter. You might be worried about nothing if I don’t get in.”

            Taemin fell back into the chair, hands falling into his lap as he scowled over at Jinki. “Of course you’ll get in. You’re the top of your class.”

            “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” The envelope was tossed onto the table, Taemin’s arms crossing over his chest as he glared at the unassuming piece of mail. Jinki frowned. “Why are you so upset, Taemin?”

            “Because you’re gonna move away!” Taemin hissed, “You’re gonna move away and forget all about me and make a new best friend.” 

            Carefully Jinki sat down in the chair beside Taemin, leaning against the table with one elbow. “You don’t need me here Taemin. As much as I love you, you have to admit you have other friends you spend more time with. You have your dancing and you’re starting high school next year. There are phone calls and texting. You won’t even know I’m gone.”

            The chair screeched against the hardwood floors as the younger boy roughly stood up. “I can’t believe you.” 

            Taemin left with a slam of the front door and before Jinki could think to go after him Junghee’s cries came from the monitor still in the side pocket of his backpack. With a groan, he grumbled as he headed toward the stairs, the letter from Vanderbilt forgotten on the table. “Well me.” 

------

            When Hyejoo arrived home Chanri was in the kitchen finishing dinner. A kiss was pressed to the taller woman’s cheek, keys placed on the bit of marble countertop to the left of the stove. “Where are the kids?” 

            “In the recliner sleeping. They haven’t moved since I got home.” 

            “Did you get a picture?”

            “A few.”

            Hyejoo grinned, “Good.” 

            The lid was put back on the pot as Chanri stepped to the side to lean against the counter. “There’s also an unopened letter from Vanderbilt on the table.” 

            “That’s his first choice.” Hyejoo ran her fingers over the smooth white paper of the envelope before lifting her gaze to her wife. “I wonder why he didn’t open it.” 

            “Probably waiting for us,” Her well-manicured nails tapped against her arm as she crossed them over her chest. “Or he was nervous it would be a rejection.” 

            “It can’t be a rejection. He’s worked so hard to get in.” 

            “We’ll see. I have the confidence in him that he has every chance to get in, but Dear we have to be ready for the possibility that it’s a rejection. Vanderbilt has a very low acceptance rate.” Chanri pushed off the counter and gently kissed Hyejoo, “But how was your day?” 

------

            Junghee was rubbing her eyes with her hand, the other arm wrapped around Jinki’s neck, as he carried her into the kitchen. He paused when he saw his parents kissing. Before he could say anything Junghee softly grumbled, “Mommies smooching.” 

            Jinki chuckled when their mothers pulled apart quickly. “It seems they are.” 

            “I feel like we’re teenagers,” Ma stated, running her fingers through her shorter hair. “Getting caught kissing where we shouldn’t.” 

            “But that’s alright isn’t it, Pumpkin? Not like we haven’t seen them before.” Jinki grinned wider when both of their parents blush deepened. He set Junghee down smiling as she rushed over to the two women. “Is dinner ready?” 

            “Worked up a real appetite napping, Baby?” Jinki glared at his Mom as he walked toward the stove. 

            “I’m a growing boy!” 

            “You stopped growing a year ago.” Ma quipped up.

            The breadstick was half in his mouth as he attempted to smile and retort. “Not my brain.” 

            It took them a few minutes to set the table, get Junghee into her highchair and place the food between them before they could start eating. In the process of cleaning the table off first, Hyejoo lifted the mail they received that afternoon. “Do you want to open your letter?” 

            Jinki carefully placed the stack of plates he was carrying onto the table, clearing his throat. “Oh, you saw that.” 

            “We did.” Mom concluded.

            “Can we wait until after dinner? That way if it’s bad I can eat my feelings in ice cream without feeling guilty.” 

            “Ice cream!” Junghee happily giggled, breaking the tension in Jinki’s chest. 

            “We can open it whenever you feel ready, Sweetie. Here, give me the plates.” 

-----

            Jinki got out of washing the dishes, but neatly stacked them in the sink for later, as he sat on the couch between his parents. Junghee was in the far corner playing with his old dollhouse they had gotten from the basement. He took a deep breath and ripped this thumb through the first part of the envelope and then the second, but didn’t pull the letter from it yet. His Mom squeezed his knee. “No matter what that says we are so proud of you, Baby.” 

            One more deep breath, eyes closed tightly as he ripped it from the envelope. “I can’t read it.” 

            He felt hands, slightly rough, move across his and the letter removed from his grasp. The sounds of paper rustling softly could be heard, but nothing was given away as the letter was read until his Ma spoke. “It seems we’ll be visiting Tennessee more often.” 

            His eyes snapped open, breath hitching as he grabbed at the letter, and vision a little blurry as he read the words of acceptance. “I got in. Oh my god, I got in.” 

            Jinki giggled, almost vibrating as he looked between his parents. His laughter was contagious, both women joining in his glee. His Mom kissed his cheek. “See, nothing to worry about.” 

            But then his mood shifted, remembering Taemin and his reaction to the prospect of Jinki getting in. “Except how to break it to Taemin.”

            “He should be happy for you. He knows how much you wanted to go right?” His Ma quietly asked. 

            “He came over briefly earlier. Saw the letter and got angry. Stormed out and woke Junghee up.” He chewed his bottom lip for a moment before sighing. “I’m not even sure why it made him so angry. It’s not like I’d be gone forever or that I’d just stop talking to him.” 

            “You’ve been a very consistent thing in Taemin’s life Baby. You’ve seen him almost every day for the last decade. You should just talk to him.” His Mom hugged him with one arm before standing, “Make sure he knows he’s important to you and that you won’t suddenly stop talking to him while you’re away.” 

            “Now?” 

            “I mean the longer you let him stew, the harder it will be to get through to him.”

            Jinki pressed his lips together, knowing full well his Mom was right. “Fine. I’ll be home before curfew.” 

------

            There were only so many ways Taemin could organize his dancing awards before he ran out of acceptable displays on his shelf above the bed. He fell back onto his with a grunt. How dare Jinki think he could just go away and that it would be okay? Tennessee was multiple states away. It was more than an hour flight (he checked) and even longer driving (too long to go every weekend he figured). Of course, he had other friends. There was Jongin-who he spent a lot of time with-but while they were close, Jongin wasn’t Jinki. How could Jinki think he wasn’t needed? 

            He knew he shouldn’t have stormed out like that or slammed the door. He also knew he probably woke Junghee up and that was very rude of him, but Jinki just acted as if everything would be okay when he moved away for the majority of the year. It was then that there was a quiet knock on his door and Jinki was stepping through a moment later. “Can I talk to you for a second?” 

            “Are you going to yell at me for earlier?”

            “You know I don’t yell Taeter.” Jinki closed the door by leaning back against it, hands behind him on the door. “I wish you hadn’t stormed off like that. What did that accomplish?”

            “It showed you I was mad.” 

            “I didn’t need that to know you were mad and hurt.” Jinki looked around the room for a moment before squinting at the shelf above Taemin. “Did you rearrange your awards?” 

            “Yes.” 

            Jinki sighed, lip pulled through his teeth as he pushed off the door. “I didn’t know I hurt you that badly. I don’t understand, Taeter. I’ve talked about going to Vanderbilt for years.” 

            “So you got in?”

            After sitting down at the end of the bed, Jinki nodded. “I did.”

            “And you plan on going?”

            “I do.”

            Taemin twisted until his back was towards Jinki, feet pushed under his pillows. “Then there really isn't much to talk about.” 

            “I beg to differ.” Jinki’s voice was warm and calm as it always was, but for some reason it made Taemin curl his fingers tighter around himself, annoyed. “You are my best friend Taemin. Distance isn’t going to change that.” 

            “What if you find a different best friend or another girlfriend? You never wanted to hang out when you were with Hyo.” Taemin snipped, brow furrowed. “It’s in a big city with so many new things. You’ll forget me and all of this.”

            “Oh, Taeter.” When Jinki touched his arm, Taemin didn’t move, not until the older boy softly requested. “Come on and look at me.” 

            Slowly he did, finally looking up at Jinki with a frown, “What?”

            “I won’t lie to you and say I will have all the time in the world for you. I’ll have harder classes and group projects and I will meet new people, but,” Jinki squeezed his knee. “If you think any of that will make me forget you... it hurts me that you think I value you so little.”

            “It won’t be the same.”

            “Things change and sometimes we don’t like how they have. I know I didn’t spend a lot of time with you when I was dating Hyoyeon, but I always made time for you. It wasn’t the same amount, but we made those afternoons great, didn’t we?” 

            “I guess.” 

            “You’re my Taeter. No one else can ever say that.” 

            Taemin looked at his hands for a long while before hesitantly asking, “You won’t forget me?”

            “I promise. I’ll be back for Christmas Breaks and Summers, and if you call me and I don’t answer I’ll always call you back.” Jinki grinned when Taemin looked up at him. “So, what do you say? Are you happy for me, Taeter?”

            “I suppose, smarty pants.” 

            Jinki was very quick to get him in the crook of his arm, rubbing his knuckles against the young boy’s scalp in a noogie. When Taemin eventually wiggled through he hollered and tackled Jinki back, both boys laughing as they wrestled.

------

July 18th, 2007

            Both of them could see the birthday party on the other side of the tall wooden fence from their spot in the treehouse, leaning out of the large window. Jinki had found the birthday boy up here a few minutes ago after he had gone missing from his own party. Taemin hummed when the older boy spoke. “Are you going to tell me why you’re up here instead of down there?”

            Taemin shrugged as best he could without removing his elbows from the wood beneath them. “I needed to think.”

            “What are we? A brooding main character in a Hollywood movie?” Jinki’s laughter stopped abruptly when he realized Taemin had lowered his gaze. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

            Then ever so softly Taemin replied, “I miss my Mom.” 

            “Taemin-”

            “Look I know I never knew her, but for some reason, my got my hopes up that this year would be the one she came to. My dad invited her for me and she didn’t show up.” Taemin’s eyes squeezed shut. “And I feel stupid, ya know because she’s never been in my life, but why do I want her here so badly? You’ve never had a Dad and you don’t want to know who gave that sample.” 

            “Taemin there is a big difference between our situations. I don’t feel like I’m missing something and that’s not me saying you’re Father isn’t a good one.” Jinki shifted a little to look fully at him, leaning his cheek against his fist, right elbow on the windowsill. “You shouldn’t feel stupid for wanting her to be here or wishing she wanted to be a part of your life, but I think you need to pinpoint why you’re feeling this way.” 

            “What do you mean?” 

            “Why do you want her here so badly?”

            “There’s this open ending to it all. All I have is what my Dad’s told me about her and what happened between them, but that doesn’t have anything to do with me and the relationship I want with her. Did she really give me up or did she just not want to be with my Dad?”

            “How can I help you feel better about this, Taemin?” 

            “I-” But then he really thought about it and it dawned on him. “Would you drive me to see her?”

            Jinki blinked a few times at him. “What?”

            “If I ask her and get it from her, it’ll be the closure I need. I just-” 

            But then Taemin was being tugged into Jinki’s embrace. “I’ll do it if you really think it’s what you want.” 

------

            It didn’t take them long to find her using Myspace. She didn’t live that far away from them, just two counties over. Jinki thought it was best they tell someone where they were going, but Taemin didn’t want to be persuaded not to go. About an hour later they were sitting outside of her house in Jinki’s car, the soft rumble of the engine almost comforting, as Taemin stared out of the window. The house wasn’t that impressive, looking like most of the houses on the street, with a red-painted front door and a picket fence around the yard. “You don’t have to do this, Taemin. We can turn around and never talk about this.” 

            He shook his head. “I have to.”

            Jinki turned the car off and followed him out of the car, leaning against the hood with his arms crossed over his chest. Taemin walked toward the gate slowly. His hand was on the latch when they heard a child’s voice, “Mommy, there’s someone at the front gate.” 

            It was as if Jinki’s heart was hooked with a lead weight, sinking in his chest rapidly as he watched the scene in front of him unfold. A woman, he recognized as Yoobin from the photos Taemin had shown him, came from the open garage, a child on her hip and another on a bike in the driveway. “Can I help you?”

            He pushed off the car quickly, fingers curling around Taemin’s arm to tug him away, hissing, “Come on Taeter, let’s go.” 

            “No I-” He ripped his arm from Jinki’s grip and squared his shoulders, “I’m Jaeho Lee’s Son.” 

            Yoobin placed the child she was holding onto the ground, lips moving to say something neither of them could hear before she stepped closer. “Happy Birthday.”

            Jinki was looking at Taemin’s face as it crumpled and that’s all it took for him to pull the young boy until he was behind him. “Go wait in the car Taemin.” 

            “But-”

            “I got this. Go wait in the Car.” He flashed a sweet smile until the boy turned. He waited until the door was closed before turning toward the woman. “How dare you.”

            “Excuse me?”

            “All this time you knew where he was, you got the invitations to his birthdays and you still didn’t reach out. How dare you!” Jinki half growled. “You gave him up because you weren’t ready to be a mother, huh? Well, it seems you’re really ready now. How old is the oldest? 12? You’re pathetic. I’d say I hope you regret your choices, but he doesn’t deserve the type of human being you are around him. Go yourself.” 

            Then without another word, he his heel and got into the driver’s seat. They weren’t even at the stop sign on the corner when Taemin mumbled. “You didn’t have to do that.” 

            “I sure as did.” Jinki took a deep breath, eyes fluttering slightly as he tried to calm down. After glancing over at Taemin he finally smiled. “I’m sorry you saw me like that.” 

            “It’s alright… thank you. I’m sorry I made you drive me out here.”

            “I’m sorry you had to see that.” Jinki moved his right hand from the steering wheel to grab Taemin’s. “Hey you know I love you right?” 

            “I love you too.”

            “I know it’s hard, but remember you have a family that loves you. I love you. My sister adores you. You aren’t missing anything with her not being in your life. You’re amazing without her.” Jinki gave his hand a squeeze before asking, “Do you want to go get ice cream?”

            Taemin chuckled as he wiped his eyes, “You always think ice cream will fix everything. I’m not five anymore.”

            “Is that a no?”

            “No. No, it’s not.”

            Jinki grinned as he turned to the right toward the main road and the highway.

-----

            It was the night before Jinki was set to start the drive to Vanderbilt with his parents and sister. His suitcases were packed against the wall by the door, a box of things he wished to take with him, and his backpack full to the brim of his books needed for the upcoming semester. Taemin knew he probably should leave soon with how late it was becoming, but every time he thought about it,  he changed his mind. 

            This was the last time he’d be with Jinki in person until at least Christmas and he couldn’t force himself to cut it any shorter. He was laying alongside Jinki, head by his feet near the footboard, when he asked, “Do you believe in destiny?” 

            Jinki coughed, laughter bubbling up quietly. “Jesus Christ. I did not expect that.”

            He pushed up on his elbows, pouting slightly. “What?”

            “Oh, you know, talking about philosophy at almost midnight.”

            “I’m serious.”

            With a grin, Jinki replied. “I know you are and I suppose so.”

            He flopped back down onto the mattress, staring up at the plastic glow and the dark stars pressed onto Jinki’s ceiling. “Like, if Yoobin never gave me up to my Dad, we probably would have never moved next door when we did, and I probably never would have met you. I can’t picture a life not knowing you. It’s weird to even try to think about; all these things had to happen for me as a baby to move in next door and have this life.” 

            “Whoa, slow down.” Jinki sat up against his pillows, patting Taemin’s feet next to him. “You’re going down a rabbit hole of existential crisis.”

            “I was being all sentimental and you ruined it.” 

            “I apologize.” Jinki returned Taemin’s gesture of a tongue sticking out before he shrugged. “Things happen for a reason. I was meant to have known you.”

            “Thinking like that makes it seem like we’re destined to get married.” 

            Jinki’s eyes crinkled awful cutely with his soft grin. “We still might, you never know. We’ve had an awful long engagement.” 

            When he was four he hadn’t really understood the whole concept of what marriage was and what he was asking Jinki that afternoon up in the treehouse. A decade later and he understood a lot more. Problem was, he also wasn’t sure if his four-year-old self was wrong in his presumption to ask Jinki to marry him. “Don’t go and getting engaged to someone else with a ring pop.” 

            “Shouldn’t I be worried about you Mr. Popular?” Taemin’s cheeks warmed up in Jinki’s gaze. “You’re the one going on dates.” 

            With a little wiggling, Taemin sat up, legs crisscrossing in front of him. “It was one date and she even told me I at kissing so…”

            “That’s rude. She’s what, 14? What does she know about what a good kiss is?” 

            “I bet you don’t even know what a good kiss is.” He cursed himself mentally as soon as the words left his mouth. While for the last year he had caught himself lingering on Jinki’s lips, he didn’t want to focus too much on the topic of kissing. It was just a crush. One he knew wasn’t reciprocated, even a little. The sooner he got over it, the better things would be. 

            Jinki scuffed. “Just give me a kiss and I’ll tell you if she’s wrong or not if it bothers you so much.” 

            Taemin wasn’t thinking at all as he pushed forward, grabbing Jinki’s face and planting one on his lips. The older boy froze against the kiss before returning it briefly. Then Taemin’s thoughts caught up with his body and he pulled away quickly, falling back on his and trying to find anywhere to look than Jinki. “Sorry.” 

            “It’s alright. I told you to.” Jinki cleared his throat thoroughly. “And you’re a fine kisser Taemin. She didn’t know what she was talking about.” 

            As the light in the hall flickered on and the door opened the rest of the way, for once Taemin was grateful for the interruption. Standing there was Jinki’s Mom, “I know you probably want to hang out longer, but Jinki you really need to get to sleep soon.” 

            “It’s alright Mom. I was just going.” Taemin quietly replied, untangling himself from the bed. Jinki gave him a long hug, “Don’t forget to text me!” 

            “I won’t. Goodnight, Taeter.” 

            “Bye, Jinnie.” 

            The entire walk down the stairs and across the distance between their two homes, Taemin tried not to think about how much he liked the kiss, or that the kiss even happened to begin with. It was staring up at his own ceiling trying to sleep that the ache in his heart could be felt. Jinki was leaving in the morning. It felt more real somehow and Taemin didn’t like it one bit.

-----

            In the morning it wasn’t his alarm that woke Jinki up, but something crawling up onto his bed. It was either a demon or his sister, and being that he hadn't been eaten yet, he deemed it was his sister. Slowly opening his eyes, sure enough, there was Junghee with damp curls bouncing around her smiling face. “Jinnie!” 

            “Good Morning, Pumpkin.” He pushed up onto an elbow, rubbing his eyes groggily. 

            “Mommies said wake up.” 

            He still didn’t understand how she had so much energy so early in the morning. “Did they?”

            “Do my hair please.”

            He heaved himself up fully, smiling softly as Junghee climbed into his lap. In her little hand was her choice of hair clips and two hair ties. “Pigtails?”

            “Yes, please.” 

            “Twist a little for me Pumpkin so I can braid the sides.” She first turned her head to the right for him. Once the sectioned hair was braided she held her hand up to hold up the ties for him before turning left to repeat the process. Once her hair was gathered in two pigtails, braids brought back to be tied with the rest of the hair, he added the butterfly clips to each side to keep the braids from moving. “All done.”

           Junghee moved to give Jinki a kiss before grinning, climbing down the bed and skipping toward the door. “Coming Jinnie?” 

            His blanket was tossed off his legs, slippers wiggled on his feet, and as he made his way through the door he scooped her up into his arms causing Junghee to giggle. 

------

            After getting settled in the dorm room Jinki had gone out to dinner with his family one last time before they had to catch their flight back home. While the food was really good, there was an uneasy feeling in his stomach the entire ride to the airport. It finally dawned on him he was feeling upset when both of his parents began to cry when they had to go through security. This was the first time he was going to be away from his family, from his home, and it wasn’t until he was watching them walk away, Junghee crying over their Mom’s shoulder that he fully dawned on him. He was alone in a huge, new city. 

            His cell phone chirped as he drove back to his dorm building, but he waited until the car was parked in his assigned spot before sliding the phone open. They all were from Taemin it seemed. Jinki turned the car off and leaned back in his seat, reading each message thoroughly.

            :Taeter: Idk if ur there yet but I miss u.

            :Taeter: N dont make fun of me. I know its not been a day yet

            :Taeter: I had my key in the lock b4 I realized

            :Taeter: :C 

            :Jinki: Just got back to the dorm. I miss u 2 Taeter.

            :Taeter: What time is it there?

            :Jinki: Ur only an hr behind

            :Taeter: O do u have a rmate?

            :Jinki: Supposed 2. Hes not here yet. But I gotta get inside. Ill tlk tmw ok? 

            :Taeter: :C ok gn Jinnie

-----

October 2007

            Jinki tapped his fingers against his textbook, lifting his gaze slowly when he heard Kyuhyun say something. “Who’s Taeter?” 

            It was then he noticed the ceramic heart that Taemin had made him in the older man’s hand. Jinki was up and out of his desk chair as soon as he recognized the object, ripping it from Kyuhyun’s grip. “If you didn’t touch my things, who Taeter is wouldn’t matter.” 

            “Aw come on. It looks like a child made it.” 

            “A child did make it,” Jinki grumbled, carefully putting it back beside his betta fish tank. 

            “That’s cute.”

            “You’re annoying.”

            Kyuhyun grinned. “I’m entertaining.” 

            Jinki flopped back into his chair, returning to taking notes for one of his three reports due soon. “If that’s what you call it.” 

------

            Kyuhyun was at some party again, which meant that Jinki could call instead of the usual text messages. “Hey, Taeter.”

            “You sound tired. It’s not too late for you is it?”

            “Says the one whispering. I don’t want you to get into trouble Taeter.” 

            “ You’re worth it.” There was soft rustling through the phone before Taemin spoke again, “ Junghee has roped me into taking her trick or treating.”

            “What are you two going as?” 

            There was a drawn-out sigh then, “ Peter Pan. Tights and all.” 

            Jinki tried to cover his mouth in time to stop his laughter, but some slipped past, the younger boy groaning through the phone at the sound of it. “You could tell her no. Especially if you had a party.”

            “Nah, I don’t mind. She’s kind of too cute to refuse.” 

            He rolled over, facing the wall with the phone pressed into the pillow beneath his head. “Thanks though. Mom called and told me she was really upset I wasn’t going to be home for Halloween.” 

            “Not to make you feel important or anything, but you are missed.” 

            “Me feeling important? Never.” His eyes were beginning to close, voice soft and hazy as sleep tugged at the edge of his consciousness. “Just over a month and a half left and I’ll be home.”

-----

            Jinki’s voice had shifted in a way that gave Taemin very conflicting feelings. The sleepier Jinki was and the fuzzier his voice sounded, the more Taemin felt his heartbeat in his chest. He thought that with the older boy hours away, this frustrating crush would wither away into nothing. Jinki being cute with his sleepy voice was NOT helping at all. Taemin hated him. How dare he. “You have your early class tomorrow, right?”

            “Mmm yeah.” 

            “Then you should get some sleep.”

            Jinki whined then. Whined . Taemin wanted to curse him. “But I wanted to talk to you.”  

            “If you fall asleep you’ll never hear the end of it.” 

            “I suppose the bed sounds nice.” Jinki yawned quietly, smacking his mouth a few times. “Goodnight Taeter. Sorry to be sleepy.”

            “It’s okay. Sleep tight Jinki.” The call ended with a click then. Taemin dropped his phone, rolled over and screamed into his pillow, limbs flailing as best they could being face down on the bed. He lifted his head with a scowl, mumbling. “How dare he.” 

            Just like plenty of other time over the last two or so months, Taemin thought about writing Jinki a letter and confessing his crush. The worst thing that could happen was that Jinki didn’t return his feelings. Their friendship would still be there right? And maybe harsh rejection was exactly what he needed to get over this infatuation with his best friend. Taemin bit his lower lip, gazing over at his desk and the stack of pretty paper Mom had given him in case he wanted to write Jinki a letter instead of just text messages. Something about it being more meaningful. Did she know he had a crush on her son? Taemin shook his head. Better not think about that and chicken out of this. 

            He hadn’t realized his hands were shaking until he heard the paper rustling when he moved it closer. Grabbing a pen from the cup near the desk lamp, he began to write. Thinking too much about what to write or how to write it caused his hand to stop writing, so instead, he let his heart control what words were put on the paper. Finally, in the end, Taemin decided that Love wasn’t too much and folded the paper to be put into an envelope he still had to get from his Dad. Would Jinki respond? He wasn’t sure, but he had to tell him. Right?

            The next morning the letter was in his hand, ready to be put in the mailbox and to flip the flag up before the mailman came through, but fear gripped his heart. What if Jinki stopped talking to him? What if Jinki didn’t even like boys? Taemin rushed upstairs to shove the stamped letter into the cardboard painted box under his bed, too scared to risk it.

------

December 2007

            As soon as Jinki stepped through the door into the kitchen from the garage, Junghee was colliding into him. He wobbled on his feet for a moment, putting his bag down on the ground to quickly scoop the girl up. “Hello to you too.”

            “Missed you.”

            She gave him a very wet kiss to his cheek, which he found a little gross, but he still smiled and bounced her onto his hip. “I missed you too, Pumpkin.” 

            His Ma accepted his one-armed hug as he passed her to head into the living room where Junghee was pointing to, when the woman softly said, “Expect another collision once Taemin is home from school.” 

            He glanced down at his watch before grimacing. “I should go sit down somewhere, huh?” 

-----

            Taemin shoved the groceries into their required areas, barely waiting for his Dad to deem it acceptable before he was sprinting out of the house to head next door. Jinki’s flight was supposed to land a few hours ago. He had to be home by now. Mom opened the door for him and without a word simply nodded her head in the direction of the living room. Taemin grinned. “Thanks.”

            He kicked off his shoes, barely managed to get his coat on a hook, before he was sliding into the living room. Jinki was lounging in the recliner, feet up and arms behind his head. His gaze was slow to find Taemin, but he smiled so pretty when they met eyes. “Hi, Taeter.” 

            “Jinki!” Taemin didn’t mean to launch at him or almost tip the entire chair over, but it had been months since he had seen his best friend. 

            “Umph.” Jinki panted as his hands rushed to grab Taemin somewhere to slow down his body. When he spoke again he wheezed, “It’s good to see you too.”

            Taemin fell into the small space between Jinki and the arm of the chair, grinning up a storm. “You’re off for a month, right?” 

            “Yeah.”

            “Good you owe me a snowman.”

            Chuckling, Jinki quipped. “Doesn’t take a month to build a snowman.” 

            Taemin was a little selfish and leaned into the one-arm embrace Jinki had him in. “More time for snacks between.” 

            Jinki breathed deeply against him, left hand a little tighter around him. Neither moved until they were told dinner was ready. Jinki’s favorites for his birthday that had passed the prior weekend. 

------

November 2009

            Jinki enjoyed living in the dorm. It was close to the main campus and other students to study. Kyuhyun was even a decent roommate. He cleaned up after himself and let Jinki have some of the snacks his parents sent him in the mail monthly. Problem was that it also allowed being closer to parties, alcohol and loud noises which were not very good for studying. Moving out was an option, but that also meant he’d have to live in Nashville for more than what he was at the dorm. There was no point in renting an apartment for eight months out of the year. That had its own issues. He’d have to get a more steady job, talk to his parents about the options, and maybe even go down in credit hours come Fall. 

            It also meant not seeing his family during Summer break or for all of Winter break and he missed them enough as it was. He also knew that flying back right now was expensive. Either way, he couldn’t rely on his parents as much as he had. Maybe he could ask Kibum if he wished to move out of the dorms with him. That’d cut the rent in half and Kibum seemed like the type to be a good roommate. The dorm room he shared with Minho was clean enough, except the pile of clothes on his desk. 

            Jinki’s gaze lifted to the upper shelf of his desk where he had a few framed photos. One was of him, Junghee and their moms. The one to the right was Oli. And the one on the far left was him and Taemin the summer before he left for college. Taemin. Moving here on a more permanent basis would not go over well with the younger boy. He had disliked the eight months. Jinki wasn’t sure how he’d take the news of not having summer breaks anymore or cocoa after snowmen like they had done every Christmas since the boy was three. 

            He sighed and closed his chemistry book. His mind was too jumbled up to focus on conversion equations.

-------

July 2010

            Taemin still wasn’t talking to him two weeks after telling him that starting in August Jinki would be living in Nashville the majority of the time, missing his breaks back at home. Jinki tried not to think of the boy too long or the ache in his chest returned. He was supposed to be excited about having his first apartment. Sure, he’d be sharing with two other men, but he had saved up his paychecks all year to help put his share of the first and last month's rent down. He felt more like an adult, independent, and that made him feel good about himself. Taemin being upset with him just put a damper on everything. 

            Most of Jinki’s things were packed in boxes. He’d drive them back at the beginning of August and anything else he thought he needed, but couldn’t fit, his parents agreed to mail it to him in the next coming months. Junghee was just as upset, but she was only five and getting her to forgive him took very little. He promised to skype her whenever he had time. Taemin hadn’t even given him the chance to offer such a thing.

            He glanced over at the gift bag on his desk with a frown. It was the last birthday he’d be here in person to share with Taemin for some time and the boy was too upset with him to even answer his happy birthday text message. Jinki hadn’t seen him since he walked out of the backyard gate, anger and hurt visible in his narrow shoulders. After a deep breath, he decided it was time to it up and face the music. Either Taemin would talk to him and accept the gift, or he’d be too stubborn and ignore him. He grabbed the gift quickly and headed downstairs. Everyone was out of the house for the afternoon, so he locked the door after him, taking the way next door without looking up. 

            He froze halfway up the front porch steps when he finally looked up to see Taemin sitting on the chair. “Hi, Taeter.” 

            “Hey, Jinki.”

            Alright, that’s not a good sign. “I came over to give you your gift.”

-----

            Jinki was infuriating. Taemin understood that college was important and that Jinki being happy where he was attending was just as important, but why did that have to include him moving to Nashville on a more permanent basis? He didn’t understand it one bit. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

            “Always do. That’ll never change.” 

            Taemin wasn’t sure if he was angry at Jinki for wanting to move there or angry at himself for thinking he had a say in what the older boy did at all. They were friends and even if they were more it wasn’t his place to stand between Jinki and his dreams. Taemin’s initial thought that the distance would squash this pesky crush had been proven terribly wrong. Jinki kept returning for breaks sun-kissed and with longer hair, and it wasn’t good for the ‘crush this crush’ plan of his. The older boy’s growing confidence in his body and the sleeveless shirts he’s sported frequently have also been a pain in Taemin’s . “Well I guess, give it here.”

            Jinki gave a pretty smile as he stepped fully onto the porch and over to sit in the chair beside him, gift bag dropped in his hands. “It’s a little rude to not accept a gift.” 

            There was blue tissue paper crinkled out of the top of the bag. Taemin moved it out of the way gently before lifting the box at the bottom. He held the bag between his feet to make sure it didn’t blow away in the breeze as he flipped the present over to look at it. “You got me a webcam?” 

            “I know you’re upset that I’m moving. I thought it’d help a little bit if you could see me when we talk.” Jinki softly laid his hand on Taemin’s right knee. “I haven’t had much time trying to work and get good grades, but at least with skype I can have you on while I study. I don’t want to leave in a few weeks with you being angry at me.”

            “I’m not angry at you.” Taemin sighed. “That’d be silly of me. I look forward to you coming home. You always would come home and now it’s up in the air. You don’t even know when you’ll be back home.”

            “The plane tickets are really expensive Taemin and the dorm wasn’t allowing me to focus on my studies. The apartment will.” He squeezed Taemin’s knee gently. “I will be back home. I miss you all terribly when I’m away. And because I have my own place, and you’re older, you can always ask if you can come to visit.”

            Taemin felt his heartbeat quicken slightly. “You’d want me to visit?” 

            That smile should be illegal he deemed as Jinki replied, “Of course! I could show you around the city. We could take a drive and go to Memphis during the summer if you’d like. They have pandas.”

            “Really?”

            “You’d just have to ask your Dad.” 

-------

March 2011

            Getting on the plane for the first time he could remember and alone had been very nerve-wracking for Taemin, but an entire week with Jinki was waiting for him when he landed. That alone helped him get over his anxiety of flying. It had taken him a while to get half of the money to pay for the round trip tickets. 

            He wasn’t exactly sure where he was going, but he followed the majority of the crowd and eventually he saw Jinki standing in the middle of the hallway. The way Jinki’s face brightened when they caught eyes made Taemin trip a little on the carpet and a blush to spread on his cheeks. It deepened as the older boy tugged him into a tight hug right off the bat, “I’m so happy you’re here.” 

            “Me too. I’ve missed you.”

            “You’ve grown. I don’t like it.” Jinki’s frown disappeared as he laid an arm over Taemin’s shoulders. “You must be starving.”

            “I had pretzels on the plane.”

            With a scoff, Jinki let him out of the airport and towards his car. “I’m going to take you for real food, Taeter and then we’ll head to the apartment to get you settled.” 

------

            By the shoes placed in the bins by the door both of his roommates were home. Taemin was hovering just inside the door, his own shoes held in his hands. After putting his keys on his hook, Jinki patted a bin, “You can put yours here, Taeter.” 

            “Do you have Asian roommates?” He eyed the stack of bins neatly placed against the wall full of different shoes.

            Jinki snorted as he dropped a pair of slippers onto the ground for Taemin to wear. “I do. Their parents are Korean too.” 

            They were walking through the living room toward the bedrooms when the first on the right opened and standing there was Kibum, blond buzzed hair and lip piercings. The man grinned. “Is this our little visiter?” 

            “This is Taemin.” Jinki’s hand was on the middle of the boy’s back as he introduced his roommate to him. “And this obnoxious person is Kibum.”

            “You’re adorable.” 

            “Off-limits Mr. Bedpost.” Jinki pressed his lips together before turning them away from the door toward the closed door at the very end of the hallway. “Yes, he’s the roommate that’ll get you into trouble so just ignore him.” 

            “He seems cool.”

            “That’s the lip rings talking.” Jinki pushed open the door. “It’s not much, but it’s home.” 

            “OLI.” 

            Jinki softly closed the door behind him, leaning against it with a fond smile as he watched Taemin rush toward the half-awake Corgi on the bed. “I was going to ask if you wanted to get settled a little and whether you wanted to sleep on the couch or the bed… but it seems I’m outranked by the dog yet again.” 

            “Not outranked.” Taemin giggled as Oli lapped at his face. “Okay, maybe a little.” 

            “He needs a walk.” As soon as the word was out of his mouth Oli’s head popped up, brown gaze deadset on Jinki who snorted. “Do you want to come with?” 

            “And stay here with the roommate you said was bad? No.” The leash was already being thrown on the bed to the right of Taemin before the boy had finished. 

------

            Taemin had a bit of his ice cream left when they returned home. Oli was gently let off his leash before Jinki went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. It took him a moment to notice what was on the small kitchen island until he was already drinking from a glass, lowering it slightly confused. The vase of roses hadn’t been there when they left. Jinki had his fingers brushing across the petals, moving toward the small card when Taemin whistled. “Who’s bae got them flowers?” 

            “Please don’t say, bae.” He half groaned before flipping the card over and warmth filled his chest. “Me. Mine did.” 

            I know you have your childhood friend this week, but I wanted to make sure you know I was thinking about you ~ James 

            “You’re dating someone?” Taemin weakly asked as he picked up the discarded card on the counter. “Who’s James?”

            Jinki smiled over the roses, “The man I’ve been dating for the last three months or so.” 

            “Wait- You’re gay?”

            “Bi, but basically.” Jinki pulled his phone out sending a quick thank you to the man before putting the device back into his pocket with a smile. “You still want to meet Minho?” 

            But Taemin was frowning, gaze still on the small card held between his fingers. “Why didn’t you say something?” 

            “Mom and Ma always told me my uality wasn’t something I needed to address publically.” Jinki shrugged as the boy looked up at him. “If I came home with a boy they’d treat it as if I brought a girl. You know how they hate the way gay people are expected to come out.” 

            “But I thought you’d tell me at least.” 

            The tone of Taemin’s voice gave Jinki pause. He had known the boy so long he knew what that tone was associated with. He was upset. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. My dating isn’t going to interfere with our week. I’m all yours until you step foot on that plane on Sunday evening. Come on. Minho is very excited to meet you.”

------

            Jinki didn’t get it. He never got it. All Taemin could think about was the letter he never sent spelling out his feelings, all because he had been afraid Jinki didn’t like boys. Now he knew that fear had been stupid. The what-ifs kept running through his mind as he followed Jinki through the apartment again toward the door on the left side of the hallway.  Minho was a lot different than Kibum. His room smelled like vanilla bean. He was slightly taller, brown hair flopped over his forehead, and a sweet smile as he pulled Taemin into a hug. While Minho was very sweet, Taemin was relieved when the man said he needed to get to bed.

            Following Jinki back into his bedroom, his thoughts were so clouded he barely noticed he was being talked to until his arm was squeezed. “Taeter, you okay?” 

            He flashed a little smile. “I think I’m just tired.” 

            “Oh, alright. Well, I think you should take the bed. Kibum sometimes has... Friends over and I don’t want you on the couch if they’re leaving in the middle of the night.”

            As much as he was infuriated with Jinki, Taemin wasn’t about to kick him out of his own bed. “You don’t have to sleep out there. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.”

            “We also are a lot bigger than we were as children.” 

            “Speak for yourself.” 

            Jinki glared before a pillow was launched at him, smacking Taemin straight in the face. “Are you insinuating I got big?” 

            He stuck his tongue out. “Mr. Woman’s pants.” 

            “Rude.” 

            Taemin grinned, feeling more light than he had before the roses. “So I call left side.”

            “Taeter that’s my-” But he had already launched himself onto the mattress, taking the bed hostage under his body. Grinning up at Jinki as he hugged a pillow to his chest. He saw Jinki sigh, “Fine. You can have it.” 

            “I’m glad we’re on the same page.” 

------

            The clock on the nightstand blinked at him. 2:30 in the morning in bright blue numbers. Jinki was fast asleep beside him, curled up facing the closet. No matter what Taemin did, counting sheep, tossing and turning, sleep seemed just out of reach. He had been looking forward to spending his spring break with Jinki after so long of not seeing him besides over a computer screen. It wasn’t as if Taemin expected him to not date or to have people that were interested in him. Jinki was very attractive and had a great personality. It wasn’t that he thought he had a claim on Jinki that meant something. Maybe he did, but he also knew that it was wrong and how could you have a claim on someone that didn’t even know your romantic feelings existed?

            James had called him Jinki’s childhood friend. For some reason that hurt even if Jinki introduced him like that to many people, they had seen throughout the day today. The sooner he got it through his head that being his friend was all that he’d ever be to Jinki, the better it would be. The problem was for the last few years Taemin had told himself to get over his crush. All that had amounted to was the crush morphing to this, the shift of platonic love to something more. 

            With one last sigh Taemin turned over, as far to his side of the bed as he could. Hopefully, their drive to Memphis to go to the zoo would help distract him from his menacing thoughts.

------

            Jinki was very aware of the limbs wrapped around him as he woke up, but it took his mind a moment to connect it to Taemin. Trying not to move too much, he turned his head to see the mop of the boy’s hair pressed into his back. One slight movement and Jinki would be tumbling from the edge of the bed. It was like their sleepovers as children all over again. Taemin being a tiny twig and taking up 95 percent of the bed. He was also aware that the boy had trouble falling asleep the night before from all the tossing and turning felt throughout the night. A few more minutes wouldn’t ruin the drive ahead of them. He’d let Taemin get his sleep, even if it meant being a koala against his back. 

------

            Taemin had downed that cotton candy in a blink of an eye and Jinki was starting to wonder if the boy might have a tapeworm or something. Sure it had been about a year and a half, almost two since he had seen the boy in person, but Jesus Christ. Two ice creams, a soft pretzel, a hamburger and a thing of carmel corn later, and Taemin was still munching on the can of peanuts they had brought in Jinki’s backpack. “Pandas are next.”

            The glee on Taemin’s face sidetracked Jinki’s food-related worries for the moment. “Hopefully they’re out.” 

            “Hopefully. The last time I was here one panda pooped on the other's head.” 

            Jinki snorted as Taemin stopped tossing nuts into his mouth. “That’s gross. Why would you tell me that?”

            “It looked like a lemon.” 

            “You’re gross I’m leaving.” Taemin was a few steps away from him before he stopped and turned around. “Well, not entirely. You’re my ride back.” 

            “Like you’d want to leave me permanently.” Jinki bridged the distance between them, hooking their arms at the elbows. “If you’re a good boy I may buy you a souvenir.” 

            Taemin let out a little whine. “I’m not a child.”

            Forty minutes and a look around the gift shop later and Jinki was holding a bag full of things Taemin had picked out. The plushie not included for it was in the boy’s arms. Jinki sighed fondly. “No child in sight, right? 

            He got a tongue sticking out in reply.

-----

            Jinki had run down to the local pizza place to get dinner for them which left Taemin in the capable hands of Minho. Kibum was also there, but he was a little intimidating sitting on the couch in his fluffy robe and holding his teacup full of wine. His hair was a pink color now and Taemin had noticed the tattoo on the top of his foot as it swung in the air when the man had crossed his legs. Minho had left him alone with Kibum to go into the adjoined kitchen for another beer. Taemin jumped when Kibum spoke to him. “So what are the kids up to these days?”

            “You’re like two years old than me.” 

            “Experience adds years onto you, honey.”  Kibum put his cup on the table in front of them before leaning back again, arms up on the back of the couch. “Have any embarrassing stories about Jinki I can use as blackmail later?”

            “I do,” The glee on the man’s face was short-lived though as Taemin continued, “But I won’t tell you them.” 

            “You’re no fun.”

            Minho chirped up as he came back into the room, beer neck loosely held in his hand. “He’s off-limits for your type of fun, Bum.” 

            Taemin ignored that to look at the beer, “Can I have one?” 

            “That’s something to ask Jinki Squirt.” Was Minho’s soft reply. “The only time I’ve ever seen him remotely angry was when Kibum called you cute from your picture. Doubt he’d like it if we gave you a beer at 17.” 

            “What about you Kibum? You’re supposed to be the bad roommate.”

            Said man snorted. “I’m not messing with Jinki’s Taeter. I learned my lesson.” 

            Taemin slouched in the couch, arms over his chest. “You both .” 

            Kibum winked. “Sure do.” 

------

            He hadn’t expected the world to end by leaving Taemin with his two roommates, but Jinki also hadn’t expected to come back to the boy pouting over not being allowed a beer. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

            “One beer won’t hurt!”

            “It’ll hurt me if your dad or Mom and Ma find out.”

            Taemin was putting on his best puppy eyes he could muster and Jinki was sad to admit it may be working. “You let them drink before their21.”

            “I am not looking after them like I am you.” He opened the two pizza boxes to grab a few and hand it to Taemin. “Your Dad trusted me to make sure you were okay. I don’t feel right letting you drink Taeter. I’m sorry.” 

            “You’re no fun.” He huffed.

            Jinki was grumbling not even twenty minutes later as he let Taemin have a sip of his beer. It appeased the boy enough as he stopped pouting.

-----

            Saying goodbye to Taemin was hard. The last week had been really fun and spending so much time with him brought so many happy memories back. It felt like old times, like things hadn’t changed so much like they usually seemed. But all good things must end eventually, and it just happened theirs ended in an airport right before the beginning of the security line.  Spring break for the both of them was over and life had to resume. Jinki held Taemin close for a while before letting him go. “This isn’t goodbye, Taeter. I’ll be at your graduation in June.” 

            “You promise?”

            “If everything works out, I do.” He glanced down at his watch before pressing his lips together and gripping Taemin’s hand. “You have your ticket and I.D right?”

            “Check and Check.”

            “And your wallet?”

            “In the inside pocket right where I left it.”

            “Good. Good.” Jinki sighed before putting on a smile. “Text me when you land, alright?” 

            “I will. Thanks for this week. It meant a lot.” Taemin was rocking on his feet as if in a moment a large breeze would knock him completely over. 

            “You should get going. Just in case you have trouble finding your gate.”

            “Alright, talk to you later, Jinki.” But Taemin didn’t move to leave, just stood there staring at his face as if it were the last time he’d see it. Then in a blink of an eye, the boy was stepping closer and pressing a kiss to Jinki’s lips. As quick as it began, it stopped. Taemin turning abruptly on his heel and entering the security line, leaving Jinki breathless and confused with a single thought in his head. What the was that? 

-----

            Taemin did text him when he landed, but the short message didn’t address what the kiss was or any of Jinki’s already sent questions. Sure they had kissed before. As children all the time on the cheek and then once on the lips before he had gone off to college. Those he could explain away. This? Having one planted on him out of the blue in the middle of the airport? No, that couldn’t be explained away by any reason he could think of.  

            He tried a few more times, even tried to call, but everything was ignored. Jinki pressed his lips together before flopping back on his mattress, phone slipping from his fingers as his hand bounced against the bed. Everything was confusing and Jinki didn’t like it one bit. 

-----

            Should he have kissed Jinki? No. Had he really wanted to? Yes. It might not have been the best plan of action to randomly kiss your best friend of over a decade and then run off to get on a plane with no explanation, but in Taemin’s defense, he hadn’t really been thinking. Jinki had sent him a dozen messages asking what that was about and if he could explain. A part of Taemin wanted to do just that, tell the older boy that the kiss was because he loved him and wanted to be with him. Problem was the guilt of knowing to have such a conversation was wrong when Jinki was with someone stopped Taemin from addressing the issue completely.

            Confessing his feelings to Jinki was in a way forcing the other to think about his feelings for his boyfriend and Taemin. And if Taemin really loved him, he shouldn’t force that on him at all. So instead, he avoided all conversation about the topic and hoped Jinki would get tired of demanding answers and give up. 

------

June 2011

            Jinki wasn’t sure how Taemin had managed to avoid him the last couple weeks. Every time he had tried to go over to the younger man’s house to try and talk with him, he wasn’t home. Every text concerning the topic was ignored. Eventually, Jinki figured it was time to let it drop. If that is what Taemin wanted he wouldn’t push it. In two weeks he’d be flying back to Nashville to get ready for his first year of being a full-time teacher as well as taking his first year of graduate school classes concurrently. Why did it matter if Taemin kissed him? Maybe he meant it as they did as children and it was Jinki making a bigger deal of it than it needed to be?

            Yeah, that explained it. Jinki shook his head and focused back on watching the stage as Taemin got closer to the front of the line. When his name was called Jinki stood, clapping loudly as Taemin crossed the stage to get his diploma. Maybe things hadn’t really changed at all and he was just overthinking things as usual.

------