You think that maybe this was all a big mistake.

Now, you feel more bothered than ever.

Confused. 

Ever since you were a kid, you've never liked that feeling. Confusion.

People would tease you for looking so confused all the time. You've heard enough from teachers telling you to be more confident in your skills in high school. That you shouldn't be so mindful of others. 

“Don't you know what to do?”

You don't. In this present moment, you don't have the slightest idea on what you should do. You don't like the present because of that. It's easy to look back on the past. It's easy to look back on memories and live in them so much you don't notice the present passing by. 

(The future, you suppose, is even worse than the present. You don't trust your mind to imagine the future, because you're afraid of what you'll see. The future is always so uncertain. You're afraid of what you really want. You shouldn't be. Maybe you should. You don't know.)

This meeting was more for you rather than for the other two involved. 

It leaves your mind muddled, though. Cluttered.

What should you do?

“Don't you know what you want to do?”

You're afraid.

Things shouldn't have turned out like this, not at all. You had everything planned out before. You knew what the future was going to be like before.

You didn't expect her to come along and shatter your vision to pieces. 

You swear to god, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

(You really don't know what you want to do.

It's just as terrifying as you'd expect it to be.)

[~°~]

It's always the little thoughts that manifest into things you don't expect.

It's the seeds of suspicion and doubt in your heart that bloom and fill your entire being when it's been long enough.

One prompt is all it takes.

If anything, anything out of all the things Minjoo knows is crystal clear—it's when it started. 

“Yah, you spend so much time with your girlfriend that you don't even notice me anymore! At least introduce us!” Yena tells her an afternoon they're hanging out and she panics. “What are you talking about, unnie?”

Yena furrows her brows. “Minjoo-yah, don't act like I haven't seen her waiting for you outside your apartment and all! That's what you get for living in the same apartment complex as me.” 

She scoffs at Yena's pout. Then, a smile. 

“She's not my girlfriend, unnie. We're friends. Eunbi unnie introduced us.”

“Oh.”

“Well, you still should've introduced us too! I want to be friends with your friends. And besides, she looks pretty cool.”

So, it begins.

At first, it's funny. 

Minjoo considers telling Yena her girlfriend is an idol and that she has to keep it a secret or she might as well be jeopardizing the love of her life's career; she considers telling Chaewon about the incident so they can have a good laugh about it. 

Since it's funny, Minjoo doesn't take it seriously and she doesn't really change her ways after that. 

They're just friends, Chaewon doesn't think of them as anything more than that. 

She doesn't think of them as anything more than that. 

In fact, she doesn't even remember what Yena told her the next time she meets Chaewon.

Minjoo goes a little late as always, just to keep Chaewon on her toes: to keep her in anticipation of seeing her. Chaewon doesn't get frustrated (or at least she doesn't let it show) and it only drives her to bother Chaewon in one way or the other. She plays the playlist she knows Chaewon hates, she takes an extra long time to start up her car and Minjoo knows she loves testing the lines of Chaewon's patience. 

She never lashes out (she wonders if she even will) and Minjoo wants to see how far it'll take to do so. 

It's cruel—just a little—but she knows Chaewon can't get mad at her anyway. She won't. 

“If I die one day, it'll be because of you, Kim Minjoo,” Chaewon exasperates.

“But I wasn't even doing anything!”

Chaewon smiles, it's inconspicuous. 

“I wouldn't mind if it's your name on my tombstone, though.”

Like she knows something Minjoo doesn't. 

She's not a fan of it.

[~°~]

They're just friends.

There's a knock on the door but Minjoo can't bring herself to get out of bed.

She's sick. 

It was a stupid idea to walk her way home from work in the rain. She can't help but question her sanity on why she did it because it inevitably would lead to her slow demise from a persistent cold.

Another knock. Who would even pass by here on a Friday evening? 

She groans and lets her feet touch the cold marble floor. 

“Unnie, what are you doing here?” When she sees who it is, a frown breaks out and lilts her voice. “Yah, don't you want to see me?”

“It's a Friday! Don't you work overtime today?”

“...It's Saturday morning, Minjoo. I don't have to go to the office on Saturdays.”

It's a bit bothering since she's sick and all.

Nevertheless: Minjoo lets her in.

“Yena told me you're sick… why didn't you tell me?”

“I mean like—if I wasn't checking up on you, I'm pretty sure your girlfriend would beat me up. She's kinda scary, you know.”

Minjoo smiles. “She's not, you're just a coward.” Chaewon scoffs. “I am not.”

“Yes, you are.”

(Chaewon knows she is, but she would never admit such a thing in front of Minjoo. Her pride is on the line, after all.) 

A cough interrupts her next sentence and Chaewon sighs. “Kim Minjoo, you don't even know how to take care of yourself,”

She gets handed a handful of cough drops and a strip of suspicious looking tablets. Chaewon tells (read: orders) her to take them and orders (read: forces) her to stay confined to her bed until she's feeling better. 

“Okay—now where's your kitchen? I need to be clichéd and make you some soup.”

They're just friends. Minjoo knows. 

She wonders if friends care all too much for each other like this. If friends are afraid to lay a finger on you, as if you'll break. If friends can be so concerned that they make sure you're fine throughout the day after they leave your house. If friends can say things like you're too beautiful when they think you're asleep. 

Just friends. Chaewon knows they're just friends. 

She writes it off as Chaewon being too kind for her own good. 

She has a reputation for being too kind, doesn't she? Eunbi told her they used to call her the kindness fairy or something back in highschool. 

Chaewon is too kind. 

They're just friends.

[~°~]

Minjoo thinks people like Chaewon are hard to come by. 

Chaewon has a heart of gold. She tries to keep others happy. She does everything with a whole heart.

Minjoo would say she wasn't really a confident person. 

But something: something to do with Chaewon makes her more confident. 

She doesn't know what it is. 

Was it a reassuring smile whenever she sees that dreaded look of confusion on her face?

Could it be words of encouragement on days she can't find the will to go on?

Maybe it was compliments all the times she admitted her insecurities to her. She doesn't know. 

Chaewon seems to know what to do and when to do anything. It's like a gift.

So it's rare for Chaewon to ask her for advice. It's almost always the other way around. 

“Do you think it's useless to like someone who's in a relationship?”

Minjoo finds the question weird. She doesn't know why it sprung out of nowhere on her. They just finished watching one of those cliche superhero movies—it didn't even have the least bit of romance, so she wonders. 

“No, not really. Why?”

“What should someone do if they're stuck in that kind of circumstance?”

“Hmm…”

“I don't know, unnie, are you even asking the right person?” She says with a finger to her head, not really understanding the context of the whole situation.

“It's okay if you don't have the answers, Minjoo-yah. I'm just thinking out loud.”

She smiles. Minjoo returns it in the best way she can manage. 

(It doesn't occur to Minjoo that she's in a relationship. The fact slips by like a forgotten dream.)

[~°~]

“I missed you…”

First, a hug.

“I missed you too.”

Then, a kiss.

It's right. It's what's meant to be. 

“They're not overworking you, right? You eat on time, sleep on time, I don't know, have a clear sense of time,”

She laughs. “Of course I do. I haven't turned into an emotionless robot, you know.”

A smile. It's the perfect piece to an incomplete puzzle, isn't it?

She hums. It's right to be here like this. In her embrace. In her presence. Nothing would feel as complete as this. As content as this. She relishes in the short time she has. 

Time, such a fragile thing. 

“I love you.”

And it's right. It's written down in her fate. It's what she's written down for herself.

“I love you too.”

[Is this what

 love

 feels like?]

“Unnie, this isn't fair! I reached the parking lot first!”

“I said who reaches the car first wins. And guess who reached the car first?”

Minjoo scoffs. “You're being real cheap now, unnie.” 

“I know! Now let's go buy me some mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

She can't find the heart to get mad. Not when she looks so accomplished with her stupid loophole. So excited for a disgusting ice cream flavour. It's amusing. 

It feels right. 

Somewhere along the way to the shop their hands find each other's. 

It feels like it's meant to be. 

“What flavour do you want?”

A pause.

“Vanilla.”

“Yah, that's so basic.”

“As if mintchoco is any better! That's even worse than basic. Vanilla is nice and simple.”

She shakes her head at her insolence. “What?” She asks, her stares get too bothersome. “Nothing. Your hair looks nice in pink. You look nice.”

It feels complete. She feels content. 

It feels right. She doesn't mind the time. She feels like she has all the time in the world.

It feels like it's meant to be.

(Maybe it is meant to be.)

But she knows it's not meant to be.

It can't be.

(That doesn't matter at the moment.)

All she can muster up is a slap on the shoulder. 

It feels right.

It's not right.

It feels like it's meant to be.

Is it meant to be?

[~°~]

“Kim. Chae. Won.” 

Minjoo says into the dead of the night: to her dismay, she gets no epiphany or realization or whatever it is she expected when the name leaves her lips. 

“Kim Chaewon.” 

But in all honesty, she's just fooling herself. 

Even if the four walls of her room could talk, she thinks they'd have nothing to say.

“Kim Chaewon, what are you doing to me?”

[~°~]

Minjoo thinks she can solve the problems she encounters in her life better with a bit of advice. It's not like she can't deal when them on her own—it's as if there's a stronger sense of security if she has someone else's experiences to reflect on. 

It's burdening. 

It's burdening to feel the need to rely on someone else all the time. To not have the confidence to fix your life on your own. 

But, she still tries. She tries to solve the problems bombarded at her with all her might. 

“What's wrong?”

The question is pleasant. 

It comes pleasant. It's like the cool summer breeze she desperately needs after months of being stuck in the sweltering heat. Everything about it is pleasant. Everything about her is pleasant. 

Minjoo wishes she could appreciate the moment. Her mind doesn't let her. 

Again, confusion occludes her. Visits her like an old friend and embraces her. It shouldn't be like this. Anything but this. 

She doesn't reply.

All she can do is sink further into her arms. She hopes she doesn't ask why. She knows she won't be able to answer her. She knows, because she can't even answer herself. 

She doesn't ask why, all she does is hug her tighter. 

It makes it worse. Why is she like this?

Minjoo shouldn't feel like this. 

She shouldn't feel like this.

You shouldn't feel like this. You know, but you can't stop it. You can't do this to her. You can't be so selfish. 

Your thoughts are barely coherent. 

You hate the feeling. Again, you lose yourself in confusion.

Is this your fault? Is it hers?

Is it hers? 

Should you be angry at yourself? At the world? At her? At her? 

You feel guilty. 

Can you even do anything about it? Can you deal with that responsibility? Can you stop this?

You can't help it. 

Yet, you can't accept it. You know you won't. 

You know you'll live in denial. 

“I don't know, unnie. I don't know anything anymore.” It's all you can manage. It's all you can think about. It's all you don't want to think about.

Are you in love? 

Are you not in love?

You don't know.

You do not love her, and that's what it is.

You don't.

(That's what you keep telling yourself.

One day, it's bound to come true, 

Right?)

You don't love her. 

That's what it is.