Chaewon wouldn't say she's a hopeless romantic. 

She hasn't had a grandiose idea of love deep-rooted into her mind as a child. No tragic childhood or scars from a previous relationship to justify it, but Chaewon thinks of love as nothing more than a part of life. 

Chaewon would say she hates all things that are pointless. She'd say there's no point in putting yourself in situations that inevitably hang on your shoulders like a burden never fading, it brings unnecessary pain when she could be doing so much more. 

Therefore, Chaewon avoids all circumstances that might potentially drain her of her mental well-being—but like many things in the world, she has an exception. 

She isn't a hopeless romantic, that's for sure, but she still is hopeless: and through the clouded mind of despair, she puts herself through anything this hopelessness will put her through. When or why she had become like this, she doesn't know, (of course she does, what else would keep her up for hours in the night?) but she has her suspicions.

It must have something (everything,) to do with Kim Minjoo.

[-*-]

Everything about Kim Minjoo won't leave her mind the first few weeks after they get acquainted. 

Minjoo has to be the most naive person she's ever met. She has to be the most beautiful person she's ever met. The most kind-hearted person she's met. Maybe even the strangest. Weirdest, if you will. But the fact that she can't forget her like another face in the crowd makes her think; she might as well be the most important person she's ever met.

She loved Eunbi for introducing them to each other and she hated her when she didn't ever open up an opportunity for them to meet again. 

A cruel trick of fate, they met again. 

Maybe if they didn't, she wouldn't be stuck in this situation now. 

The second time they meet is in a convenience store: she doesn't remember why she was there in the first place but Minjoo—she moved into a new apartment and needed to "stock her supplies" in case a war would break out when she was sleeping. 

Chaewon remembers thinking she must be the most ridiculous person she's ever met. She remembers thinking this girl must be too pure for this world, and she remembers thinking she could die content with her last sight being Minjoo's dimples when she smiles the smile that reaches the edge of her eyes. 

Chaewon thought asking for Minjoo's number just as she's about to leave the store was the best decision she made in her life. 

And maybe, just maybe, it was.

[-*-]

Minjoo makes fun of her too much sometimes. 

No one ever believes her when she says it and Minjoo justifies their belief saying it's the other way around. But it's true.

Minjoo loves playing around with her. 

It's not fair that she has the upper hand, especially since Chaewon was the one who started this teasing game—whatever this repertoire between them was. 

It wasn't more than silly pranks, really. 

It would be a shove when they're out for a movie and she gets a text from work, taking her cap off and running away with it after she gets a merong~ through; give her a jumpscare when she's outside her apartment waiting for her (she takes so long, it feels like centuries pass by) or as simple as stealing food from her plate when they decide to go out for a bite.

Minjoo still is a child at heart, Chaewon supposes. She looks so accomplished every time she gets a reaction out of her and Chaewon wonders if even the most mundane of things can bring them inexplicable joy.

She finds herself plotting ways to get back at her a Wednesday afternoon after work. 

It brings a smile to her face.

(What Minjoo doesn't know is she plays around with Chaewon's heart more than Chaewon would ever like to admit. 

Minjoo is rather oblivious to all the ways she does this, however. 

Minjoo didn't notice the way she tensed up once their movie 'date' was over and she hugged her as a thank you.

When she stills for a few moments like an idiot in the middle of the park when Minjoo runs off with her baseball cap. When she replays her laugh—even with demonic intentions, it sounds like an angel's—a million times in her head and remains dazed and confused. Minjoo doesn't know how much more than a few pieces of stolen tteokbokki she's willing to give away at her mercy.

Minjoo is not a child, Chaewon knows. 

She's anything but a child when they decide to go out to a high class restaurant this time and she'd say that was the first time she truly believed, god must be a woman. 

Minjoo knows how to play a dangerous game, even if she's not aware that she can.)

[-*-]

“Is that your girlfriend?” 

Chaewon's coworker asks her during their break.

She couldn't help her boredom and go through the photos on her phone: it was a dreadful Monday. “No, just a friend.”

“Well, you two look cute together. Maybe there could be something between you two, you know what I'm saying?” With a laugh, her coworker leaves.

The thought is amusing. 

Maybe, it would be a lie to say it hasn't crossed her mind before.

It would be nice, wouldn't it? To be in love.

To be with someone. 

Holding hands, hugging like the world doesn't exist, just being in someone's presence so calming, you forget all sense of self. Only the two of you exist. 

She smiles.

Is it because the thought is euphoria?

Is it because it's too ridiculous, it's something she doesn't have the rights to dream of?

Her break ends, though her stupor doesn't.

[-*-]

Minjoo knows what it's like to be in love.

Chaewon knows what it's like to be in love. 

Minjoo's a bit late, just like every other Saturday, but she smiles the same smile and doesn't apologize for being late. Chaewon understands, as always. It's the second Saturday of the month, they take her car this time. Minjoo decides to cover her eyes while they're on their way to the car, a laugh leaving her lips after Chaewon pries her hands away. 

It's when her keys turn in the ignition that Minjoo starts telling her about her day, about a few high schoolers she somehow made friends with. She helped them with their project and they "remain eternally grateful" to her for that. 

“Unnie, what are they even feeding kids these days? Those kids are like six feet tall,” there's a whine coating her voice, patting her head and looking at her with a pout.

Chaewon can't be sure. 

But in the middle of one of those three actions, she realizes she's in love with Kim Minjoo.

The realization isn't grand: she doesn't swerve the steering or widen her eyes or gasp to catch Minjoo's attention. It passes by like any other thought and she doesn't pay much need to it.

Maybe she knew all along. 

Then again, she can't be sure. 

Along the way they pass by the high school and Minjoo voices out her desire to see those little troublemakers again. Chaewon is really, really in love with Kim Minjoo. 

They reach the cinema hall after some more pointless conversation and Chaewon's mind telling her the same thing over and over again like a broken record. 

Minjoo rarely looks so solemn. She does for a reason and Chaewon wants to know.

“Chaewon unnie, can I tell you something?”

Of course, she would listen to Minjoo say anything and everything for days on if she could. “What is it? Is everything alright?”

Her eyebrows shoot up at the sudden concern. “Unnie, it's nothing serious! It's just… it's something I can't tell just anyone, but since we've become so close…”

“Do you know the idol that debuted under Urban Works, she was on that survival show?”

“...Vaguely, yeah. What about her?”

And Chaewon sees Minjoo smile.

It's the smile that reaches her eyes, the one that shows off her dimples. The one she sees the stars in, the one she thinks she'll die seeing. 

“It might sound a little absurd but I swear on my family name—yours too! Unnie, she's my girlfriend!”

Chaewon knows what it's like to have your heart ripped out, thrashed to a lifeless pulp and shoved back into your chest because you have no other choice than to pretend in front of the woman you love.

[-*-]

Chaewon kind of wishes she didn't hear Minjoo out that day. 

If she didn't, then she wouldn't be feeling heartbroken like this. 

If she didn't, then she wouldn't have been in this hopeless situation, stuck loving someone who's in a relationship with someone else.

She wouldn't keep putting herself in these situations that are no good for her mental well-being:

But here she finds herself.

What Chaewon hates the most is the false hope her mind and heart built up in anticipation to hear what Minjoo would say.

It was stupid to think she felt the same way.

Why would she?

Why wouldn't she?

No, Chaewon had read the signs wrong. 

Perhaps Minjoo smiles like that at all of her friends. 

Minjoo hugs all of her friends the same way—arms around their neck, nuzzling bee face deeper into their shoulder and staying there for six seconds. 

Minjoo clings to all her friends the same way, Minjoo simply looks at everyone with stars in her eyes. It couldn't be anything else.

It's not anything else.

“Did you know?”

“About what?”

“Minjoo and her…”

Eunbi pauses and raises her brows in acknowledgement. “Oh. Yeah, I did. Minjoo told me before her debut. They're pretty cute together! I met her once.”

She does the only thing she can do at the moment: nod and pretend like nothing's wrong. 

It feels suffocating.

Chaewon and Minjoo both know what it's like to be in love. Chaewon has the misfortune of seeing Minjoo be in love with someone else.

It's suffocating when she catches Minjoo on a phone call, speaking oh so sweetly to the receiver—suffocating when Minjoo recalls all the sweet things her girlfriend has some for her when they're out with their friends—when photos of the two of them aren't face down every time she visits—when Minjoo whispers trifles to herself that remind her of her girlfriend—it's all just suffocating. 

(It hurts even more when she realizes her love will go in vain. There's no point to her loving Minjoo. She's got a girlfriend, anyway.)

“Unnie, she's in town this week and she wants to meet you!”

And so Chaewon agrees before Minjoo can even complete her request.

Maybe—she's just a fool like that. Always too eager to keep her happy.

(She wonders when–if–the pain will stop.)

[-*-]

She doesn't look at you like that.

She doesn't cling onto you like that.

She doesn't laugh at each and every one of your jokes like that. 

She's not like this around you. 

She's not.

(You should stop telling yourself that this is exactly how she is around you.)

You wonder if she takes care of her well. 

You wonder if you could do any better. 

(You wonder, but you know it's useless.)

Minjoo looks happy, and that's all that should matter. 

You didn't even have a shot—you have no rights to ask for anything more. 

You don't. You should stop thinking that you do. “Minjoo tells me about you all the time! I trust you to be there for her when I'm not, Kim Chaewon.” She says in a mock serious voice and laughs when Minjoo hits her shoulder. 

They're sweet. 

Sickeningly so. 

You can't say you're angry at the world. You're not angry at Minjoo. It's not her fault for you falling in love with her. 

But you can't say it's your fault either. You couldn't help it. You're not angry at yourself either. 

You can't really be angry because the situation deserves no anger from your side. You don't feel pity for yourself, you don't feel guilt or anything else knowing how hopeless your love is. All you can think of is how absurd this all is.

How much of a coincidence it has to be for you to call in love with someone in a relationship. How cruel the world is—no, how the world works in ways you can't comprehend. You can't do anything about it. 

So, you accept it as it is. 

You are in love with Kim Minjoo,

And she does not love you back. 

That's what it is.