Minjoo knows what it’s like to fall out of love.

She often wonders what her girlfriend would be doing if she wasn’t an idol. Would they even meet if it weren’t for her appearance on the show? Would she love her the same way? 

Would they defy all odds and still end up by each other’s side?

Would they?

The thoughts fizzle out without much difficulty, because she simply can’t imagine the woman doing anything else but singing and dancing. She loved being an idol to death. She loved being on stage. She loved the spotlight, and Minjoo doesn’t think that’s a bad thing.

She was passionate about it. The passion would drive her to achieve her dreams no matter what, no matter what circumstances.

And since she would always end up being an idol, the two of them were bound to end up together.

Isn't that what Minjoo found so charming about her?

Isn't that why she mustered up the courage to ask her out? Wasn't she so hopelessly enamoured with the petite girl who would sing at her favourite restaurant each week?

Was it not her passion for the things she loved that drew her in? 

Where did all of it go?

Where was the passion she was immersed in at the start of their relationship? 

Why did she feel this way? No, why didn't she feel the same way anymore?

Is it wrong to wonder what her life could've been if she wasn't dating her?

Chaewon huffs when she closes the door shut, her breath condensing against the windows. “Who would've thought Eunbi unnie is a lightweight…”

She meets her eyes, chuckling. “I can't believe she's worse at drinking than you,” Minjoo frowns. Her words are something between mumbles and drunken slurring, face rosy pink and the tips of her ears red, peeking out of her hair. It must be because of the cold.

Chaewon doesn't get why Eunbi would throw a party—no, she gets why she threw the party: because she got an amazing job offer overseas and wanted to celebrate with her friends—she doesn't get why Eunbi would throw a legitimate party when she was so horrible at drinking. 

She made Chaewon her designated driver and inevitably forced her into carrying her all the way to her apartment. At least Minjoo seems to be sobering up, she wasn't strong enough to walk the horrendous stairs to her apartment with half the girl's weight on her. 

Falling out of love is the exact moment she shifts in her seat to watch Chaewon driving her home.

The moment she pretends not to notice how Chaewon whispers cute, under her breath.

Falling out of love is when she lets her imagination run wild—when she finally lets herself—when she finally asks herself, what would it be like to date her?

Would her hand on the gear stick be in Minjoo's hand instead, if they were dating? Her eyes focused on the road, would they check on her every once in a while, if they were dating? Would she stay the night with her? Would she whisper sweet nothings in her ear?

In the safety of her mind, the quiet depths of her heart. Minjoo knows what falling out of love is. It's when she asks;

Is it wrong to wonder what her life would be like if she was dating Chaewon?

And it's when she thinks;

No, it's not.

{–·–}

Chaewon knows when she's crossed a line, gone beyond her limits, stepping past a boundary that she clearly should've stayed within.

She turns down the stereo, a smile playing on her lips when Minjoo continues to stare at her. “What?” 

“You look nice with your short hair.”

Oh, was she a sweet talking drunk? Chaewon finds the grin across her face amusing and chuckles. “Do I?”

She hums, bringing a finger to poke her cheek. Her humming descends to the song playing on the radio. Chaewon takes it all in.

Again.

She can't help the feeling blooming in her chest when she pauses, the world pauses at a red light for her to look at Minjoo. 

Taking it in.

Stray strands of brown cascading down her eyes, messy against the hand she rested her head on. A lazy smile stretched across her lips. This nameless melody she hums along to.

The world waiting, yellow light and the confines of her car. Chaewon almost misses the green light if it weren't for a car passing by honking her out of her stupor, prompting Minjoo's eyes to flutter open.

Something in her eyes that she doesn't understand. 

“Oh, are we home?”

It's not what you think it is. She's drunk. Delirious. Not in the right mind. It's nothing. “Yeah,” 

It's not what she thinks it is. Minjoo's arm entwining hers, leaning on her. 

It's not anything. 

Maybe time slows down with each step taken, time feels like forever, but forever isn't enough. Chaewon knows not to give herself any false hope. There was no point in wishful thinking. She won't fly too close to the sun, she won't soar any higher. She isn't Icarian. 

She knows when to stop. 

She knows, but her heart aches so terribly with the slowing down of this time. This moment. Why does she have to deal with this turmoil? How much longer? How much more will she endure?

When, when will she be able to look at Minjoo without feeling her chest congest itself with unspoken love words? 

She can't help it everytime she sees her. The desire to become her world. To be hers. It's wrong. These thoughts are wrong, wanting her to be more than a friend when she was with someone else. It's all wrong. She can't keep going on like this.

When will you let go?

“Hey, do you have your keys?” Her voice is low. 

Minjoo stands up straight for once and rests against the back of her door, facing her. She nods and watches as Chaewon's eyes are avoidant, unable to hold her gaze. Not even a few seconds. “Text me when you get home,” 

“I will…” she trails, her hands fidget at the collar of her shirt. “Well… I’ll get going then.” 

She doesn't know why this awkwardness grips her. Why this restlessness grips her. 

Something about that look in Minjoo's eyes. 

Her fingers stop her by the cuff of her coat. She tugs on her sleeve.

“Wait.” 

When has she ever denied Minjoo anything?

Soaring higher. Closer. Closer to the sun.

You'll burn yourself, Icarus.

The fall down will only hurt more.

Closer.

Her breath fanning against cold cheeks. Chaewon's stands paralyzed, Minjoo's fingertips outlining the lapels of coat, smoothening them out, lightly. She doesn't dare look into her eyes, she doesn't ignore the way Minjoo bites her lips but still. She wouldn't dare look into her eyes. But then fingers are under her chin and she's compelled to look. 

Is it right?

Is it wrong?

Is it?

Is it not?

Chaewon leans in and forgets: the world, the questions, the incessant voices in her head, everything. Nothing existed—it didn't matter, right or wrong—it felt real, it was real. Minjoo's lips were as soft as she imagined them to be. It’s real. It rushes through her veins, the emancipation from torturous thoughts, endless nights of pining. 

You've gone too far.

You can't go back from this.

You won't be the same.

It feels right. 

But you know it's wrong.

Minjoo sees her eyes flutter open when the older girl pulls away in haste, stepping back and her words rush out, frantic. “Sorry, I didn't mean to—, I just got caught up with uh,—it, it was impulsive, I didn't—”

She doesn't understand why Chaewon worries so much. She doesn't know why Chaewon takes everything so seriously.

It’s not that complex.

It's not that complicated. 

Or, kissing her was rather the most uncomplicated thing she had felt in long, long time; like a light to dispel the fog dousing her mind. In the moment, it felt like it was the only thing she needed. The only thing she needed to do. 

Her hands come to cup her jaw and Minjoo kisses Chaewon again. 

Chaewon doesn't resist. For once, she won't think of the consequences of her actions. Because now, all she can think about is Minjoo. All she can do is kiss the girl senseless. 

So, that's all she does.

-

it's almost been a year since an update whew

i just didn't know how to continue from where i left off and busied myself with other stories lol

also let me know your thoughts! bc i'm still unsure on how to continue like,, are we getting a happy ending or a sad one? idk