JIWON

*flash*

"Eh? Why is the flash on?" I blabbered to myself and took another selca through the mirror. I posted it on my sns account.

I know that the stylists are annoyed by my movements, but that's their problem.

"Mr. Kim Jiwon, please get ready." A staff entered the dressing room.

"Okay~" I said and finally stayed still so my stylists can do their job quickly.

"Thank you so much." I just said to them and left to rehearse for the shoot.

A staff handed me the script, I stared at her until one person went to her.

"Hey newbie, he doesn't need the script until he says so, yeah?" He whispered, but still audible for me.

"O-oh, sorry!" The girl apologized and even bowed.

"It's alright, I understand." I said and smiled. The lead actress, Kim Seoyeon, finally arrived and we started practicing our lines.

"As usual, you delivered it perfectly without the copy." She praised.

That's how it should be, silly.

"Well." I shrugged, not knowing what to say, not even bothering to think.

After five more minutes of preparing the set, we started filming.

"And cut! That's it for today, you all did well!" The director said and everyone started wrapping up.

"Ah, Jiwonie!" The director called me. Director Kim is a pretty woman despite her age, I could give her that. 

"Yes?" I asked politely.

"I heard you refused to model for Gleam Magazine?" She asked.

"Uh, yeah. Kinda quitted modelling a long time ago." I said kinda awkwardly. My last magazine shoot was when I debuted as an actor, and the sales were bad so I thought, no, I knew that it was because I was on the cover. I lost confidence in modelling so I never accepted any offer again.

"Please reconsider, they're planning to put you on the front cover, it's a big opportunity." She said. I didn't respond, so she continued.

"My nephew's going to be the one to take your photos, he was so excited and told me "He's so beautiful, I am really looking forward to work with him," and he really got disappointed when you rejected."

I might've blushed. Someone actually thinks that I'm beautiful? Asides my family, that is.

"Okay, I'll think of it." I said and smiled.

"Thank you."

--

"Noona." I called my manager. "Remember Gleam mag's offer?" I asked her. She looked at me for a second and focused on the road again.

"Yeah, they're still hoping you'd accept it."

"I'll accept it." I answered.

"Oh? What's the cause for that sudden change of mind?" Jiyeon noona asked.

"Dunno." I just replied.

It was just past 11 when I arrived at my unit. The filming did end quite early and I didn't have to work at dawn, luckily.

After I took a bath, still in my bathrobe, I opened the curtains and turned the lights off. I took a wineglass and red wine, Jinhwan hyung's favorite brand.

I poured a good amount of wine on my glass, and played with it, placing it in front of me, just enough for me to see the moonlight strike through it. The redness of its color, like blood. It makes me crave. Crave for him.

I gulped from the glass with my eyes closed, and as I opened my eyes, the moonlight struck my face.

I stared at the portrait Mino hyung once created for me. When was it again?

I looked at the moon, majestic on its full shape, with the dark clouds surrounding it but not touching him, like they were intimidated, or afraid to dim its light, taint it.

Then I remembered.

It was 11 full moons already. 

11 full moons since that night when the brightest light came to my sight. Perhaps this is what they call love at first sight?

During full moons, I always go out for a walk, anywhere I might hopefully see him, but always fail to. But this time, I stayed at my unit because I felt like I have to, or maybe I was just tired.

I stared at the night sky— the midnight sky once again. I saw a streak of light pass through the clouds. Shooting star?

I didn't know why but I got startled, and as absurd as it may sound, I shouted urgently,

"LET ME SEE HIM ON THE 12TH FULL MOON." 

My heart is beating fast, It's slightly hard to breathe. I leaned back and tried to calm down. I don't know why I have to be nervous, but I am. And I know that shooting stars don't even grant wishes and they're just meteors or meteorites— I forgot the difference between the two but I recall it from my science teacher back in 8th grade.

I want to see you again, the guy whose name I don't even know. You may call it an obsession, I guess, but I've never longed to see someone like this.

--

"Jiwon-ah. The shoot for Gleam magazine is on the 27th. And just to remind you, you'll have an interview in Jeju the next week, and no shoot for that week too." Jiyeon noona said.

"Thank you, I might be staying in Jeju for three days, but I'll arrange that later."

The week passed in a blur.

"Jiwon oppa!" I heard a fan scream. I pretended not to hear them and raised the volume of my headset.

I got to the car waiting for me outside the airport.

"When the hell did I get those tons of fans?" I rambled.

"Just be appreciative, Jiwon-ssi." Jiyeon noona said and I gave her a weird look for the formality. She didn't mind me.

I almost forgot! I need to call Jinhwan hyung.

"Hey hyung, I'm in Jeju right now, maybe I can like, stay in your place tomorrow until Friday?" I asked directly. He didn't answer for a while, so I checked if I called the right number, and I did.

"Hyung?" I asked again.

"Uhm, actually, Jinhwan hyung left his phone in the house so..." A voice of a stranger say, it was very soft. He sounds shy, like that geek classmate all of us had that spends his time on poetry, arts, and music, like he's speaking about an intricate art or a deep poem. But he wasn't.

"Who are you? You're not Junhoe. And obviously you're not his father either." I said with squinted eyes (yes, I can still squint my narrow eyes) even though the guy can't see it.

"I.. I'm Hanbin, his cousin. Jinhwan hyung left his phone, he went out with his boyfriend." He said. 

"The one who graduated in Seoul last year?" I asked.

"Are you talking about me?" Duh. Junhoe didn't even study college and just started working as a barista after he finished high school.

"Of course."

"Ah. Yes, I am that one." He said and I heard him chuckle faintly. Rather than a geek, I realized he sounds more like a girl.

"Well, nice talking to you, Hanbin. I'm Kim Jiwon." I glanced outside and noticed we already arrived at the hotel. "I'd like to talk more to you but I'm afraid we'd have to end this short talk already." I said.

"Oh, it's fine. I'll tell hyung that you called." He said, he sounds happy?

"Please do."

And the call ended.

--

"My relatives are here, All the rooms are occupied until Sunday." Jinhwan hyung explained on the line.

"Oh, that . I guess I'll go back to Seoul by tomorrow." I said. I really wanted to visit them but I want them to focus on their guests first.

"What? No, we could hang out in your stay here."

"You have guests hyung."

"It's fine—"

"No it's not." I cut him off.

"Hm. Fine. Oh, right. I'll be heading to Seoul next week along with Hanbin and his family. Got an offer there and I'll also be staying there for a week with Junhoe. We can hang out." Hyung said.

"That's great. About the offer, what magazine?" I asked.

"It's just a fashion show, but I've got a magazine offer too, a gay one. I rejected it." He said and I burst out laughing.

"Hey remember back when we were rookies and we've got an offer to model for a gay book cover?" I laughed.

Jinhwan hyung and I were classmates during middle school. After graduating, we separated ways but we're still contacting each other. Jinhwan hyung has a relative that manages models and he scouted the both of us. Two years after that, I got scouted as an extra in a film. I was a delinquent there. I somehow snatched attention from viewers and got more offers, and I became a rising actor. I left modelling after that magazine incident where only a few copies were sold, Jinhwan hyung stayed in the industry, but manages their tangerine farm during his free time.

I never came out to anyone. I know my family and friends know, but they never brought the topic up, so I never told them. There was only one person who did.

"So remember that jerk from the sophomores who bumped into us last time?" Jinhwan hyung asked. I stared at him for a while, remembering the person he talks of.

"Oh, yeah. I remember."

"He was actually softie and that jerk front of him is just a facade." Jinhwan narrated what happened between him and the guy, Junhoe— not that happening but just some random instances where Jinhwan hyung got to know the "real Junhoe"

"You like him?" I asked after Jinhwan finished  his story. He blushed and looked down.

"I'm into him, yeah." He admitted. I was a bit surprised. I knew he was into boys but we never really talked about it. So him opening up is... I don't know how to explain it, but I know at that moment, we already shared a bond that can be bent but never broken.

"That's great." I said, genuinely happy for him.

"How about you? Rumor says Lisa is into you." He asked.

"Not interested."

"And Donghyuk? He's flirting with you, you know?" I know.

"Not my type."

And with that, I just confirmed it. He immediately understood.

And I don't think it's coming out. Well, maybe it was an indirect coming out, but that was the only time that I did. I am thankful that the people around me are understanding. They understand what I am, who I am, and they respect me, they respect if I do not tell it to them. Even Jiyeon noona. I know she knows. And so does everyone else around me.

In the end, I decided to stay in Jeju for a while.  I stayed in a beach resort all by myself, well, Jiyeon noona was there but she respected that I wanted solitude, so we barely interacted in my stay.

It's my last night here in Jeju. With a cigarette between my fingers, I stare out the window once again. The waves are crashing, though from here, nothing can be heard.

I puffed my cigarette.

I realize I am like the sea.

I am a silent mess.

At least in my point of view. Someday I'll find a person who'll get near me, hear me crashing, breaking, becoming a mess, and hopefully that person will ride along my waves.

I didn't know why, but when I thought of that, I looked at the midnight sky.

Tonight was different. The sky was so full of stars, probably the most I've seen so far.

It wasn't a full moon, but with those stars,

I found a little hope.

written 11/05/18