FOUR
FIX YOUJennie found herself staring at herself in the mirror, dark brown eyes staring back. Mocking her, taunting her, blaming her. She turned away to find everything in her apartment had shifted. Heard her silky laugh amidst the rain that drummed on her windows, the constant patter of rain that drowned out everything. Everything -- but her laugh. Her laugh that cut through her sadness like knife through butter, her laugh that called out to her…
She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t move. She stood there motionless, beside the goddamn road, drenched in the goddamn rain. Forced to relive everything, as the events played out to her in slow motion.
The impact between metal and flesh was sickeningly audible even through the rain and constant whoosh from the wipers. Jennie closed her eyes, felt the hot tears before she realized she was crying, her nails biting into the tender flesh of her palms. Shaking uncontrollably, she knew she’d been screaming, again and again until her voice cracked, felt strong hands pull her away from the mess of metal and the stench of death in the air mixing with the smoke and burning gas, choking her.
She cried out again and again, thrashing against strong hands that held to her…
For one last time before the darkness took over, she cried out her name in the rain…
Jennie woke up with a start, her heartbeat erratic and pounding against her chest as she blindly gripped the sheets trying to calm herself. Her shirt drenched in sweat clinging to her body as she breathed in and out as deeply as she could. Willing the memories away, shaking away the same haunting nightmare that came creeping up whenever she was one step closer to being better, pulling her two steps back into the same darkness she drowned into.
The clock on her bedside table blinked 2:49AM, it’s soft green hue masking her bed with an otherworldly green as she fished for her phone beside her pillow.
2:50 AM
Hey?
Sent
She sent the text to both Jisoo and Rosé, she knew they were both asleep and would unlikely to respond until the morning. She locked her phone and threw it by the foot of the bed, feeling guilty at dragging her two closest friends into the same old sh*t. It’s been what? A year and a half? And yet, nights like these made her think it happened only yesterday. Jennie buried her face into the pillows, no longer caring if she’d cry herself dry. She gave herself the freedom to give in to the urge.
She hiccuped for the nth time as her tears fell. Wanting to fall back to sleep. Her laptop dinged, pulling her from her little pillow cave.
HEY :)
01/29/2017 3:09AM
J,
Hey, remember when I said hoping and wishing weren’t my thing? I sort of lied :(. I’m… kind of hoping you’re not mad at me for taking a loooong time to get back to you. Work was -- let’s just say … work tied me up and I just finished working on a new lesson for tomorrow. I'm glad the instructor they made me work with was very generous when it comes to letting me experience all this fun in teaching.
How did your day go? Leo made it his life mission to bite me in the face when I got back. His own way of saying thank you for letting him starve. Istg he’s fat and needs to lose some of that weight -- I’m not a bad owner or anything of that sort. Anyways… I’m already rambling here.
P.S. I know you’ll probably read this in the morning but -- good night and sweet dreams. :)
-L
Jennie giggled, the laugh coming out as something between a choke and a hiccup as she wiped her tears away. She was like that when this happened -- it was either she was sad or happy, no in betweens. It felt like she had a switch that flicked inside her. Crying her eyes out one minute then laughing at the smallest details the next.
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SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)
L,
Have you ever had a dream so real you were confused when you woke up? The kind that burrows deep into your heart, taking root and refusing to leave?
I just had one tonight… Actually, to be quite frank it’s the same dream over and over again. It comes at times where I find myself finally walking away from everything, only to be held up in the same place. I can’t move forward L, it . I don’t know why I’m telling you this now, nor do I know why it’s “you” I’m telling this to. My friends are all asleep and it’s eating me inside out… I can’t talk to anyone but you. You who just told me about how your cat just attacked you for starving him which I think he’s very much allowed to… has every right to….
-J
Her fingers flitted over the keyboard, not really wanting to put much thought into the reply. She wanted the raw emotions out and for most of the time just not think about it. She stared at her inbox blankly, a part of her wanting L to reply and another one kicking herself over and over for sounding so vulnerable to someone who was practically a stranger. The notification pulled her from her thoughts.
HEY :)
01/29/2017 3:49AM
J,
How do I answer this? I’ve never had anything like that -- my dreams usually consists of me eating something or it would just be plain pitch black. The kind of black that makes you think you’ve had just a minute’s sleep but the kind that doesn’t make you feel sleepy? I don’t know I'm not good at describing stuff.
My heart bleeds with you… :(. I read somewhere about dreams being repressed memories or our subconscious telling us something that we ought to acknowledge or listen to… I’m not sure if that’s the case for you, it could be entirely something else. I have a feeling you’re not the type to open up easily so it must have been one of those bad episodes that shakes you to the core for you to find yourself telling me all this at 3am in the morning. I guess the anonymity helps? Whatever reasons you may have, just remember I’ll be here for you. Even if you still consider me a stranger. An anonymous question mark hiding behind the letter “L”. My inbox is open anytime -- and I already mentioned it before I don’t give out the usual “I know how it feels” crap. Too overrated huh?
P.S.
Even if he had all the reason to, it still hurt like hell :(.
-L
Jennie re read the email for the third time, carefully engraving each word into memory. For someone who acts so childish in most of her emails L had so much wisdom in her it made Jennie smile. A brief smile that ghosted her lips before she hit reply.
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SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)
L,
I never expected something so profound to come from someone like you. Don’t hold your breath though, I’m at a moment of weakness so I tend to get sappy and sensitive. It’s a one shot thing so don’t expect anything similar tomorrow -- if I even decide to continue with this whole stint tomorrow.
But.. thank you, it’s been a while since someone just listened - in this case read through whatever bull I had to say and not tell me I’ll be fine. I don’t expect to be fine for a long time from now L, I don’t think I’ll ever be fine… not until my soul comes to accept what happened.
P.S. You should go to sleep…
Jennie sat there for a couple of minutes more, silently waiting for a reply. It’s already 4am and she knew whoever L was, probably had an early class tomorrow.
Selfish…
You’ve got mail.
4:06AM
Read Now | Delete
HEY :)
01/29/2017 4:06AM
J,
Ah, I like this side of you -- maybe because you’re finally holding a conversation with me :). It’s okay, I understand how some people can be in the mood to talk and then not in the mood to talk. I pray, wish and hope you’d continue with this though (see what I did there?)
I don’t know whatever it is that happened to you before to make you think of things that way, I'm not the type to pry nor the type to force you into thinking you should get rid of these negative feelings. Buuuuutttt. I am the type to urge people to feel things J, even if it’s not the type of emotions you were hoping for. Feeling can be great -- feeling can be liberating, don't you think? You cry and a huge weight falls off your chest and shoulders. You laugh and you’re floating through the air, you get mad, you kick things and suddenly the tension in your body is gone. It’s like that with you -- just feel … it’s never wrong to let it all out. Don’t worry about what people think, what matters is you go through this at your own pace. It’s not a race y’know? Eventually you’ll find yourself you've already reached the finish line.
P.S. I should say good morning now, but goodnight has that certain effect on people ;). Good night J,
-L
Jennie closed her laptop, she knew L wasn’t expecting a reply. Not that she didn’t want to it’s just she knew L would understand if she knew Jennie was back on her bed, sleep slowly taking over as she hugged her pillow, stray tears escaping.
______________________________________________
Lisa smiled to herself as she turned her laptop off, she already had a lot of things planned out for J.
A/N: Thanks for reading :). Have a great day ahead
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