When Joohyun looks back on those couple weeks in October, she often wonders who that Joohyun was: bold, adventure seeking, spontaneous. She was all the things she had been raised not to be, and yet that Joohyun was the one she had always yearned to be. No more did she want to be bossed around by the societal standards around her as a woman in the business world. No! She was Bae Joohyun and the world was going to know that!

“Joohyun! You’ve been ignoring me for five whole minutes!” 

Joohyun jerked her gaze back from the tall buildings of Seoul to her assistant sitting across the desk from her. 

“What?” she asked, not realizing Sooyoung had been talking at all.

“God,” Sooyoung sighed, “you meet a woman at a club and then she’s all you think about. Did you forget that we still have work to do?”

“I’m sorry. My mind wandered for a minute there.” Joohyun cleared to hide her embarrassment at being caught daydreaming yet again.

“Do you want to take a break?” Sooyoung asked. 

“Maybe.” Joohyun stood up and walked over the windowed walls to once again stare out over the skyscrapers around her. Why couldn’t she focus today? What was wrong with her?

“Unnie, are you alright?” Joohyun nodded without turning to look at her friend. “You just don’t really seem yourself.”

Sighing, Joohyun turned around to look at Sooyoung, her assistant, but, more importantly, her friend. “I’m sorry,” she said again. She looked around her office at the plant in the corner, her bag and keys thrown on a chair next to that, the painting hanging on the wall that had been there when she moved in on Monday, and then at her desk, covered in files of inquiries from businesses around the world. “God, this is a mess.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About this mess of folders on the desk?” Joohyun asked, raising an eyebrow at her friend.

“Unnie, I don’t think that was the mess you were referring to.” Sooyoung smiled and gestured for her friend to sit down, which Joohyun did with yet another sigh. “Alright, what’s up? What’s going on?”

“I just,” she started, running her hands through her hair and sitting back in her chair, taking a deep breath to calm herself down. “I just don’t know what to do, Sooyoung.”

“About this?” Sooyoung asked, gesturing towards the files on the desk in front of her. “Because it just seems like a ton of emails will solve this problem. Do you regret accepting this position?”

“No, not at all,” Joohyun replied. “This is what we’ve dreamed of, isn’t it? Since we met in school, this is what we wanted: our own office, responsibility in a company, the opportunity to travel and see the world. This is literally it. We’ve peaked Sooyoung, and I have no doubt that we’re only going up from here.”

“Okay, then why are you like this? We should be celebrating!” Sooyoung grabbed her phone from her pocket and started tapping away at the screen. “I know we just went out on Monday but that was two whole days ago. Let me just text everyone and—“

“No!” Joohyun reached across the table and snatched Sooyoung’s phone out of her hand. “Please, just, no.”

Sooyoung stared at her wide-eyed with hanging open. She had never seen her friend like this before. “Unnie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m sorry, Sooyoung. Here.” She handed the phone back across the table. “It’s just, life is literally perfect right now. Look at us! This is perfect. And our friends are here with us, supporting us in everything. And us them, as they live their best lives right now.”

“But,” Sooyoung prompted.

“But nothing good can last, can it?” Joohyun’s whispered betrayed the facade of strength she was trying to keep up. “Sooyoung, it’s Wednesday. Seulgi leaves in three days and I don’t know what to do.”

And there it was. Joohyun’s sole worry, the thought running circles around her mind, was out there for the world to see. No matter how much she had worked through Tuesday and Wednesday morning, the bliss of the promotion had not been enough to outweigh the fear of what Saturday would bring.

“Unnie, I’m so sorry.” Sooyoung reached out to hold Joohyun’s hand on the desk. “I cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now, and, frankly, I’m not even going to pretend to try because that wouldn’t be fair to what you’re going through right now.”

Joohyun only nodded as she let one tear fall from her eye, wiping it away quickly with her free hand.

“You are allowed to be angry and confused and sad and however else you need to feel right now. It’s all valid, alright?”

Again, Joohyun nodded but wouldn’t make eye contact with Sooyoung.

“Unnie, I don’t want to overstep anything with you, but can I be completely honest?” She took the older woman’s silence as a signal to keep going. “I think Seulgi is perfect for you.”

At this, Joohyun could no longer contain the tears within her. They poured down her cheeks and dripped from her nose and her chin. She let the pent up frustration out as sobs wracked her body. Sooyoung was quick to respond and hurried to shut the office door and then back around the desk to wrap Joohyun up in her arms.

“Joohyun-unnie, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Sooyoung didn’t know what else to say but continued to run her hand up and down Joohyun’s arm, trying to console her but never once trying to stop her from crying.

After a minute or two, Joohyun’s sobs died out and she sniffled, blinking quickly to dry her eyes. “Sorry you had to see this,” she said, letting out a weak laugh.

“It’s alright, that’s what I’m here for. I’m just sorry I didn’t realize this sooner.” Sooyoung grabbed a tissue off the desk and handed it to Joohyun, which she took gratefully. “Unnie, what can I do to help you? Do you need to talk it out or do you need to talk to Seulgi? What do you need, unnie?” Sooyoung stood up and walked back over to her seat to give Joohyun some space to collect herself.

When she was ready, Joohyun took a big breath and looked at Sooyoung. “Is it alright if I just talk a little?” Sooyoung nodded, and so did Joohyun, convincing herself to keep going, to not bottle this fear up any longer. “You’re right: Seulgi is perfect. I’ve never met anyone like her. I’ve never felt this with anyone before. Is this love? God, I sure hope so.”

Joohyun paused for a second, once again looking out longingly over Seoul.

“But why have I met her now?” Her gaze remained on the world outside of her office. “Why, just as I’ve started to make a name for myself in this company, after over five years of hard work, why should I meet the only person who’s ever brought me happiness like she does? Why would the universe bring us together only to rip us apart?”

“Maybe it isn’t trying to. Maybe you’re supposed to be together,” Sooyoung offered.

“But how? She leaves for New York on Saturday and then has months of studying there and in Europe to do. And who knows where this job will take us, if anywhere, in that time.” Joohyun turned back to Sooyoung. “I love her, Sooyoung. I really do. But I’ve worked hard to be where I am right now. If anyone knows that, you would.”

Sooyoung nodded as she heard both what was said and unsaid by the woman sitting across from her. “So which one should you choose?” She asked the question the older woman did not want to ask out loud, maybe not even quietly to herself.

“Please, Sooyoung,” Joohyun whispered, tears threatening to fall again. “I don’t know what to do.”

*

“Seungwan, are you in there?”

Wednesday night found Joohyun knocking on her roommate’s door, praying she was in there. Sooyoung had gone out with Yerim to a new club across town and Seulgi, her brother having come back in town to see her before she left, was having a quiet dinner at home with her family. She knocked again, and stood back as she heard grumbling and shuffling as a sleepy Seungwan opened the door, her hair disheveled from her nap.

“Hey, unnie, what’s up?” she asked, opening the door wider and heading back to her bed. The drama she had been watching had started a new episode and Seungwan grumbled again as she turned it off, focusing her attention on her roommate standing next to her bed. She patted the space next to her and invited Joohyun to join her under the cozy blanket. “Everything alright?”

Joohyun didn’t answer. She snuggle up next to her roommate and began crying for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Seungwan, although surprised at Joohyun’s sudden tears, said nothing and she wrapped her up in a hug and held on tightly