He was a beautiful boy.

He always had been.

He wasn't exactly what anybody would call a physically strong boy, but he always used to hear things like "He's such a talented boy." and "He's going to be handsome when he grows up!" and finally "He should eat more but apart from that he's good to go."

It didn't take him very long, probably only until he was a 10 year old student, when he knew what he wanted to do when he was a grown up.

A musician. A star. 

Someone people would look up to because he's doing what he loves, living his dream while creating music. Though he knew it was gonna be a tough ride, it started off as fun. He was 11 or so, he couldn't remember clearly, when he met people with the same interests and started to record his first songs (if you could call them that) after school, when homework was done. 

His head raced while remembering those old days, leaving him with a horrible headache. He could hear his 11 year old him laugh, far far away in the back of his head, before it disappeared into the dark, leaving him in silence.

Now, almost 19 years later, it all started to feel dull, which ultimately, and this was the worst to realise and accept, made him feel guilty. There weren't many artists in the korean music industry who could compare to what he had achieved, his name was well known hundreds and hundreds of miles away from where he was born and people had certain expectations.

people loved him. you can not disappoint the people who love you.

and though he was loved by many, he felt so very very alone. travelling the world was fun, excitement and a privilege, but it also costs its price. smartphones and social media made it a lot easier to stay in contact and observe people's lives when he was far away, but it painfully showed him what life could be like if he also had a job at a bank, a university or even just at a small town store, being married and posting pictures of babys who became toddlers and started to go to kindergarten. what it meant to belong somewhere instead of being expected everywhere.

"if i ever faded away" he told his therapist, who was the only one he could talk to really, "i'd be remembered by many, but not missed by those who would've loved me the most."

he laughed at the thought of how much of an ego he had.

imagine anyboy being sad at the thought of being loved so much and by so many! he found himself - in fact - hilarious.

life was good, but life was never good enough.

everybody who ever loved him left him eventually. it was too hard to catch up. paris today, tokyo tomorrow, seoul the day after. it was impossible to treat anyone as a priority, so they found someone who did instead. 

he opened the balcony door, allowing to cold winter air to soothe his mind.  the brewing hot coffee carried away his thoughts of the past and he let his eyes wander over the skyline of seoul. he hated thinking about the what if's, yet he did it way too often.

in the evening he would have to leave to london for a shoot. he had never been in london in winter, he thought as he noticed his cup was empty and stubbed out his cigarette.