It wasn’t the first time that she had cried over unrequited feelings.

Sana furrowed her brow as she climbed the short steps onto one of the landings of the playground, shaded generously by a small overhead roof. She had been giving Nayeon directions to the bathroom beforehand, but she was surprised to see the rest of the group in one spot listening to one frustrated, crying voice. Momo’s.

“I just don’t see what’s wrong with me! There must be something wrong with me, right? I feel like I’ve been doing everything right, but she just never looks at me… in that way.”

Sana sighed. I guess this is suddenly public news.

It wasn’t that Momo’s crush on Nayeon was a well-kept secret. In fact, a lot of the girls were already acutely aware of the way Momo had always been extra fond of Nayeon, though it wasn’t until the past year that hormones seemed to take effect and that Momo’s seemingly innocent fondness had turned into angsty teenage feelings. Becoming second-years was taking an emotionally charged toll, apparently.

But there was a part of Sana that felt annoyed at the way that Momo was venting in front of everyone, for three simple reasons. The first was that it felt like something between them was now less significant, as up until that moment Momo had only ever vented to Sana about her unrequited woes. The second was that it seemed wrong to have this conversation with literally everyone else while Nayeon was away in the bathroom, not so far away. The third was that Minatozaki Sana had been keeping her feelings for Hirai Momo locked away for the last two years.

They had been best friends ever since they were little and, although Momo was older, Sana was unfortunate enough to be the first one to get struck with the whole “feelings” thing. She had always been on the jokey-flirty side, but suddenly she found herself wanting to mean what she said more and more often. But Momo had never expressed interest in romance, let alone women or Sana, until last year when a crying Momo ran into Sana’s bedroom from the bathroom.

“I think I like Nayeon,” Momo had confessed at the time, though even then it came as no real surprise given how often Momo often gravitated toward the oldest girl in their friend group. But out of hope for her own heart, Sana had always assumed that it was friendship – after all, two girls could be just friends, too. Sana felt herself to be hypocritical for having that line of reasoning, but it wasn’t like she was doing anything about her own situation anyway. But alas, Momo had fallen for Nayeon.

And now Momo was venting about Nayeon, in front of everyone, at Chaeyoung’s birthday party in the park.

Sana remained quiet, leaning against a small pole on the landing as she observed everyone’s facial expressions. Everyone was being considerately attentive, though Jihyo seemed visibly skeptical, so much so that Sana felt very little surprise when Jihyo quietly excused herself and walked away, giving Sana a small nudge as she passed and descended the steps. She headed in the direction of the bathrooms, and Sana returned her attention to the rest of the group, mainly to keep an eye on Jeongyeon.

Although Jeongyeon was unaware of it herself, there was the unfortunate circumstance that she just so happened to be the object of Nayeon’s affections. What was worse was that Momo had been made aware of this at some point, and Sana would have stopped her from speaking up had she been with everyone only moments before. But Momo was a young teenager – just like the rest of them – and, as kind-hearted as she normally was, she had her moments of bad decision-making.

The sun was setting, a purple haze meeting the orange of the horizon as the evening light fell upon the girls through the openings. Momo finally exhausted herself after a minute or so of ranting, and the huddle slowly dispersed with the occasional pat on Momo’s shoulder here or there from the other girls. It was a tricky situation, so Sana understood why no one seemed to be able to offer much in the vein of help.

“Hey.” Sana said, taking a step beside Momo after everyone had walked away. “What’s wrong? Why did you break down in front of everyone?”

Momo shrugged, shaking her head and sniffling. “I’m just so tired of this mess and feeling like this.”

“It won’t be forever,” Sana said, despite the slight pang in her chest. She wrapped an arm around Momo’s shoulders, walking her down the steps alongside her so that they could get back onto the ground. “What made you want to tell everyone?”

“They’re my friends too, you know? Maybe someone would have had a solution or something…”

Sana bit the inside of her cheek. If there was a solution to something like this, she herself would have definitely tried it. Even now, the way that Momo’s hand limply held onto the hand wrapped around her shoulder was something that Sana couldn’t help but hyper-fixate on. Growing up meant abruptly learning how lightning could exist without clouds or rain; how it sparked at the slightest of touches between two people. Sana supposed that, in at least that way, she could empathize with her best friend.

“Validation is important.” Sana nodded. “But I’m not sure that telling everyone like that was –”

Momo’s head snapped up, cutting Sana off. Ten or so feet away, Nayeon’s huff was much too audible to be anything other than serious, and mere seconds passed before she started heading in the direction of the park’s exit.

, Sana thought to herself, walking with Momo toward the few girls who had been near Nayeon before she walked off.

“What happened?” Momo asked quietly.

Jihyo sighed. “Nayeon apparently saw us all up there and she heard her name, so when I came down she asked me what was going on.”

“You told her?” Dahyun asked, her eyes slightly wide.

“Well, you know that she knows… it’s not exactly easy to lie when she clearly heard Momo being loud about it.”

Tzuyu rubbed her arm, probably feeling awkward. “Should we follow her?”

“I’ll do it.” Jihyo gave Momo a stern look, and it was evident that she had already started to feel stressed by the situation. “This was the wrong place to do this.”

Momo’s face was shaking, shut tight. Sana tried to twist her within her arm into a hug, but Momo broke away and hastily made her way over toward a bench on the opposite end of the playground.

“Some party,” Chaeyoung mumbled, with a slight chuckle as if it would help to lighten the mood. But Dahyun and Tzuyu simply gave her a hug before walking her back toward the picnic tables to get more snacks for the birthday girl.

Jeongyeon and Mina seemed occupied by conversation at a separate corner of the area, though it seemed clear by their weary expressions toward the exit that they could tell that something had gone down. They seemed to take Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu’s return to the food as a cue to head back as well, and they quickly made their way and followed behind the younger girls. Sana didn’t doubt that they’d ask and catch up on what they had missed.

Sana walked over to the bench that Momo had rushed toward, taking a seat beside the girl who held her head in her hands. Her body was still shaking, and Sana wished it could have been because of a chilly night. Alas, it had been a warm summer.

“It’ll be okay.” Sana said quietly, moving her hand so that she could place it on Momo’s back, but it never made it because Momo suddenly stood up.

“She knows,” Momo repeated to herself. Sana was shocked by the vaguely angry expression on her face. “She knows, and she has still been leading me on?!”

“What do you—”

“It’s really funny, actually,” Momo began with a sarcastic laugh, gaze turning to Sana, “how I was here thinking that she had been turning around lately. But then she barely talked to me today, and –”

Sana tried to cut her off, to tell her Nayeon only very recently found out. “Momo—”

“No!” Momo groaned. “She’s going to be mad because I wanted to confide in my friends?! As if she doesn’t talk to them about her feelings? How else do we know about Jeong, then?!”

“That’s not—” Sana took a deep breath— “That’s not fair, it’s not the same.”

“So I can’t?”

“Nayeon didn’t talk about it to everyone while you were away in the bathroom at a party, Momo!”

Momo paused, though her face seemed to be getting red. It could have been embarrassment, anger, or both, but Sana couldn’t tell for once. “How many times am I going to have to endure her talking to me about Jeongyeon or other girls?” Sana winced at that. “Especially when she knows?”

There was another angry huff before Momo began pacing back and forth, her arms animatedly moving as she briefly ranted about how it made no sense for Nayeon to not even consider her or be willing to try with her. Sana would have countered that Momo never tried to ask her out on a date, but there wasn’t really a point to pointing that out when Sana knew Nayeon would have rejected regardless. Contrary to what Momo believed, Nayeon’s attempt at talking to her less that day was an honest effort at putting some space between them.

Sana grabbed Momo’s wrist halfway through one of her aggravated sentiments, though the swift expression change on Momo’s face was unfamiliar. Her eyes were wide and almost hostile, and her gaze failed to waver as it met Sana’s.

“Let go.” Momo’s voice was low and there was a threatening layer to it, unlike something Sana had ever heard from her best friend. The sweet girl she had grown up with was no longer there, replaced by a consequence of internalized pain.

Would Sana end up like that, eventually?

She shook her head and tightened her grasp on Momo’s wrist, standing up from the bench. “No.”

Something about it felt dangerous, felt hurtful. On one hand, this unfamiliar Momo looked like she’d be willing to do what the normal Momo couldn’t – hurt a single hair on someone’s head. On the other, it hurt to know that Sana was the recipient of this hardened glare. Sana had always loved Momo, stubborn in the notion that they had growing up; that their meeting had been nothing short of destiny. Momo who whined when Sana asked for food but always shared nonetheless, Momo who was the first to give her a call after school when Sana had been upset that day, Momo who always walked her home and swung their hands as they jumped over every crack in the sidewalk. Momo, who happened to be her first love.

But above all that, she was Momo. And Momo was her best friend.

“You know that I’ll never let go of you.” Sana said flatly, and she couldn’t resist the silent exhale of relief that came out of her when she noticed that Momo was visibly relaxing, though the latter’s expression remained furrowed.

Momo searched Sana’s eyes, a limited space between them as the silence between them lasted for a moment in the twilight. Then Momo held Sana’s wrist back, pulling her in for a hug.

“I’m sorry,” she said, mumbling into Sana’s shoulder. Sana could feel the fabric of her shirt dampen.

“It’ll be okay,” Sana reassured her, wrapping her free arm around Momo’s back and pulling her closer. “Things will work out, one way or the other. Nayeon doesn’t owe you anything, and you know that deep down. You’re upset because she barely spoke to you today and you miss her company. It’s okay to be upset but you need to be more careful, alright?”

Momo whimpered. “This really . Do you think she hates me now?”

“No,” Sana said; her voice was soft, and it was kindly followed by a light chuckle. “I’m not sure anyone could. But you should talk to her and apologize, just in case.”

“You’re right.” Momo sighed, sniffling again and taking a step back. “God, I’m such an idiot. And I did all of that in front of Jeongyeon, too…”

“It’s okay, you’re pretty dumb so it wasn’t anything new.”

“Thanks.” Momo snorted, rubbing away the wetness on her cheeks with her sleeves. “I’m going to go back to the food and wait for Nayeon to come back. I’m sure Jihyo will convince her since we didn’t sing happy birthday yet.”

“Sure.” Sana nodded. “I’ll meet you there, okay?”

Momo raised an eyebrow but settled on a nod. “Sure. Thank you for grounding me, Sana. I love you and I’m glad that there’s someone like you who won’t let me go, even when I’m being an idiot.” She smiled as she said the latter bit, taking Sana’s weaker smile as a cue to turn and head toward the picnic tables.

Sana let out a breath, taking a seat on the bench again.

“Can’t let go even when I’m trying to,” Sana muttered to herself with a dry laugh, fiddling with her fingers on her lap.

She hated that even in this moment, a part of her wished that Momo had closed that space between them; hated that she was able to replace every instance of Nayeon’s name with Momo’s when she was listening to Momo vent about her to the others. There was even some sick part of her that wanted Momo to turn around and realize that Sana was really the good one for her, the one she truly loved, and run back.

But Momo was meant to come first, always. That’s what Sana had decided when she first realized how she felt. There was no way that she would allow herself to do anything but support Momo when she needed it, because they were one another’s best friends and that was what best friends did, no matter what.

“I’m such an idiot,” Sana mumbled with a cracked voice, another dry laugh shaking her shoulders until tears started falling down her cheeks. With her elbows on her lap she brought her face down into her palms and began to cry, her shoulders shaking more uncontrollably while she did her best to stay silent, as she often did with how she felt.

It wouldn’t be the last time that she would cry over unrequited feelings.