Dear Hyung,

Thank you so much for existing. I was getting pretty jaded during training period and then you came along to cast a big shining light on my life. The very first day when I saw you, your face was etched in my memory, in my mind like a mark on a stone. Little was I aware that I eventually started liking you.

You got along with me so fast despite the age difference. You raised me as your own brother when I was a kid. I craved for that same attention you gave me after growing up. May be even more. Days I spent in thinking about you, your impact in my life, the way I prioritized my life with your respect, the way you always treated me kindly; this is my most special treasure of memories. 

Hyung, You're my everything.

Deep down buried under my layers of thoughts, I knew I dont see you the way you see me. I really have no idea. I like not knowing when I began to see you in different light. I wanted more. So I pretend and get along with you as bickering brothers and enjoy seeing your happy face. I like watching you smile to fullest. The times when I secretly observe you, copy your actions, laugh at even your silliest dad jokes so that I get your attention are the best times spent of my life. You are like a whole new research topic for me about whom I just want to know more and more with a never ending curiosity.

I became so desperate, when you began to keep distance with me. To say truth hyung, I was not okay while you're away. You got close with other members than me. I started panicking, because I thought you might have noticed me staring at you everytime.

I was afraid you would leave me hyung.

I didnt know what to do. I wanted to do something so that I get you back, just like old times. Thats when I came to know about most of the ARMYs shipping 'Jikook' and 'Vkook', which caught my attention. I thought may be if I do fanservice on live stages to please ARMY's, this might be a chance to help me hide my feelings not being too obvious to public and infront of you. I know it was a selfish act to do something like this. Little did I know, you are further going away from me.

Instead you became so close with Tae hyung. Taejin 'So what' moment flooded all over in SNS. I just stood there watching behind everytime you two get close. I wish It was me instead. I wish it was me who you're looking at. I wish it was me who you're holding onto.

Why not me hyung? I'm done pretending, I cant do this anymore.

Whats mine is always mine. I want you to see me as a fully grown up man. Not as a kid who you've raised till now. Jimin hyung show affection to every members so openly and I knew, using him is an advantage to me as I dont usually take initiative in doing fanservice infront of public. Eventually I got close with Jimin hyung to drew your attention to me. And it worked out smoothly as it caught everyone's attention. Even yours.

You represent possibility, even if its a slightest possibility of change and romance, of giving me something I’ve been craving for so long. And you don’t even know it. You’re just sitting there being cute and crushworthy, not even aware of the joy you’ve been giving me. If you knew, maybe you would be really creeped out or maybe you’d realize you felt the same way about me. And I won’t know until I actually do something about it.

But I dont have enough time to say it all to you. I wanted to confess it face to face. I wanted to touch you as a person who is deeply in love with you, not as a brother who loves his brother dearly. But here I'm jotting down all my feelings in a piece of paper before you leave, afraid to see how you'd react.

Hyung, Stay

With me

I'll miss your whining, I'll miss your dad jokes, I'll miss your windshield wiper laugh, I'll miss you being beside me on live stages looking at ARMY's, I'll miss your eatjin vlives, I'll miss your ending ments during concerts, I'll miss your flying kisses, I'll miss you calling me JK everytime, I'll miss you seeing you practice secretly non stop, I'll miss your silver voice. Most importantly,

Hyung, I'll miss you

And I'm so sorry, for not having the guts to say it sooner.

I love you.

to be continued