a/n If you want, try listening to Cheeze's "Just As A Lie" as you read:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv1tcsVoHlw

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Nothing gets better when you stay silent for this long.

 

Except, he didn’t know what to say. They had been going on like this for what felt like years. Neither of them wanted to break it off; but, it wasn’t because they both shared a desire to stay.

He doesn’t know for sure who broke away first, but something about the man standing in front of him was telling.

Somewhere between their fleeting conversations and hollow goodbyes, those deep brown eyes he loved so much seemed to have lost their shine.

Now when he looked up at that worn but ever-so handsome face of his, there was no longer a soft gaze staring back at him. A gaze that was once filled with so much yearning and admiration that it had pierced his heart so invitingly the first time he saw it.

 

But, he knew. They both did.

 

Even as they stood in front of one another and he was drawn into the man’s familiar embrace, the only thing he could think about was the empty space that he could no longer fill.

Their two hands which used to intertwine so tightly was now so loosely held together that the wind from where they stood outside could easily split them apart. Yet, they both shamelessly seeked their escape into that small cafe they loved so much and sat in front of each other like nothing was wrong.

It unsettled him that the once strong and fearless voice was calling out his name so warily.

 

“Jihoon-ah.”

 

They act like nothing’s wrong, but they both know. Seungcheol just sits there with that smile- that dumb smile. He so badly wants to tell him, “you know why we’re here- sitting in this place you first brought me years ago. You’ve been waiting for me all this time because you knew I was waiting for you to leave first. I should hate you, but for some reason I can’t. You waited till we were both near our end because you knew we couldn’t act on this alone.”

“Like before,” Seungcheol tells him. They sat down in their favourite spot by the cafe’s grand window without realizing. Couldn’t they return to those days?

 

“That beautiful day. That night.”

 

That precious night. That night that passed them like a lie.

He can’t help but wonder if things could have changed. Would they have changed?

Even if his senses were muted by the harsh scent of coffee and the incessant sound of busy conversation, when Jihoon closed his eyes their memories together rushed forth all too clearly.

 

His breath gets caught.

Looking at those deep brown eyes.

 

With one's heart that was slowly fading, there was no way to deny- he couldn’t deny...that they should stop.

“Shouldn’t we?”

 

Just like how you gradually let your fingers untangle from mine, I should let those three enduring words go as well.

Shouldn’t I?

 

So as they stand outside once more, Jihoon mouth stutters open.

But, somewhere in his head he thinks.."the way he stills hold me." Each touch of his fingertips lingering and leaving Jihoon with the warmth he used to drown in wholeheartedly. Even before Seungcheol leaves him, he still makes him believe in everything that was. So calmly before he leaves, he pulls him into his arms and rests his head on his.

Jihoon wants to believe him still. But, he knows he might still be waiting for a man who could only belong to the past.

 

“I really loved you.” He feels those words mumbled so sweetly and simply onto the crown of his head. Just like a lie.

 

Nothing gets better when you stay silent for this long. But,

“Please...” his timid voice cries.

 

He can’t hear it. He’s already turned around, leaving his fragile heart out there in the cold.

So Jihoon decides that even though his back is turned and he can’t hear him anymore, he had to let those words out if he wants to let go...

 

“I...love you.”

 

Because nothing can get better if you stay silent for this long.

 

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a/n the end. it's angsty because apparently I like to suffer...