The atmosphere was already tense inside the ambulance when rapid loud beeps filled the vehicle. "He's coding!" the red-haired paramedic exclaimed, panic and desperation prevalent in her warning. Not again, she thought. She expected this to be a tough case, like it always is for trauma cases, but she would prefer if the patient didn't give her a hard time by dying. 

"Out of the way, Chaewon. You work on the ambu bag, I'll take over chest compressions." says Eunbi, the dark-haired senior paramedic. Eunbi is the leader of the squad. Eunbi is four years Chaewon's senior and is known to be calm and collected during emergency responses. Needless to say that all her juniors, including Chaewon, look up to her.

"How many minutes till we reach the ER? The patient is going to expire if we don't get him to an ER within 5 minutes," Eunbi continued while doing CPR on the unconscious middle-aged man they rescued. The driver answered, "We're about 7 minutes out. I'm going as fast as I can. I'll do my best." The sudden acceleration of the ambulance took the two paramedics by surprise, but quickly found their balance as they continued CPR.

Soon, they realize that all their efforts were moot. The rapid beats were suddenly replaced by a continuous long beep: a sign that the patient has flat-lined. Chaewon noticed this but didn't say a word as she looked at Eunbi, who was still applying compressions but without the urgency she had minutes ago. They were required to continue CPR until they reach the ER where a doctor can pronounce the patient dead.

Chaewon closed her eyes to hide her teary eyes as she continued to operate the ambu bag.

"We lost another one today."

-----

As expected, the ER doctor pronounced the patient dead as soon as he got rolled out of the ambulance. Still shaken up by what happened, Chaewon couldn't respond to the doctor when she was asked about the details of the call. Thankfully, Eunbi noticed Chaewon's state and answered all the doctor's questions. 

Chaewon could only marvel at Eunbi's poise throughout the patient intake process at the ER. Eunbi did not show any emotion, she listed off all the patient information to the ER attending physician as well as an account of what happened on site. She came back to her senses when Eunbi tapped her on the shoulder. "Let's go," Eunbi said, coolly walking away. "I know it's tough, but it's part of the job," Eunbi continued, not looking back at Chaewon. 

Chaewon followed her senior and slowly walked back to the ambulance with her head down. It was the 11th time this month that a patient she responded to had died and they were only two weeks into this month. Needless to say, it took a high toll on Chaewon's emotional health. She thought to herself, "I couldn't save that ahjussi, just like the ten other people I responded to this month. Am I really that useless?". She fought back her tears as she opened the rear door of the ambulance and got on. She put her hand in her uniform's jacket and felt the envelope she's been keeping there for a while now, while asking herself the question that's been bugging her for a while now. 

Do I still deserve to be called a paramedic?

------

It was a quiet ride back to Gangnam fire station, their headquarters. As soon as Chaewon got out of the ambulance, she felt two arms hug her from behind. She turns around to see that it's Yena, the driver of the ambulance.

"I'm sorry Chaewon-ah. How are you holding up?" asked Yena. Yena is one year older than Chaewon and is Chaewon's best friend, and is arguably the best ambulance driver of the station. Yena's a natural in swerving through traffic as well as looking for shortcuts, which she says was mainly due to her gamer nature. Both of them got assigned to the station at the same time, and the two instantly became close since they're the only ones of the same age in the department.

"Too tight, too tight. Let me go, I can't breathe," Chaewon replied, tapping Yena's hands repeatedly to let her go. Unlike Yena, Chaewon is not a fan of skinship or communication in general. She was always direct with her words, leaving no room for affection. Her friendship with Yena was proof that opposites do attract and it sometimes works out.

"Ya! It's been a rough couple of days and I just wanted to know if you're okay. You know you can always talk to me about ehat you're thinking," Yena replied as she slowly lets Chaewon go from the back hug. 

"Thanks, but no thanks. We both know I got more braincells than you so I'll figure this one out myself," said Chaewon. Yena suddenly jumps in front of her and decides to show her aegyo to cheer up the younger paramedic, but it didn't work.

"What the are you doing? Just leave me alone," Chaewon said frustratingly as she walked away from Yena. As adorable as Yena might be when she did her aegyo, it was not what she needed right now. She went to the rooftop and sat at her usual spot that she goes to when she wanted to gather her thoughts. She put her hand inside her pocket and felt the envelope again, something she's been carrying for a few weeks now.

"Maybe it's time...", she muttered to herself as her grip on the envelope tightens.