Painful memories are the worst. You try to forget them, burying them as deep as possible inside your heart. Sometimes, with a heartbeat, they emerge and haunt us until we go mad. Tears so long forgotten come back and we regret everything, even the reason to be alive. Soohyun knew that pain too well and didn’t want to reminisce it. Then why, why he felt as if a shadow was slowly engulfing his heart again?

He stopped in front of the door to Hoon’s hospital room, gasping for air. He touched the doorknob, but couldn’t pull it. He was afraid. Hoon only passed out. It’s nothing serious, he repeated to himself for the 100^th time as he did all the way back to South Korea. Their manager must be furious now, but he didn’t care. He wouldn’t be able to sleep if he stayed in Japan. He had to see Hoon.

Taking one last deep breath, he finally opened the door and was welcomed by darkness and silence. Hoon was still asleep. Sighing, the leader made his way to the hospital bed and sat beside it. Without worrying about anything else, he took the younger’s hand and held it with the utmost care.

“I know something is wrong, but you won’t tell me…” He murmured, caressing Hoon’s hand. “You don’t seem well. Are you tired?”

The only answer came from a strong beep of a heart rate monitor. Damn, how he hated hospitals… Those loud beeps were unnerving. Then, his phone rang and he could already imagine who was calling. He checked the screen and… Yup, their manager.

“Sorry, I’ll be back.” Soohyun squeezed Hoon’s hand once to reassure him and soon left the room.

Hoon’s eyes trembled for a moment and then opened. He could still feel the warmth in his hand…

it. He hated to lie to Soohyun.

And hated himself more for doing that.

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Being the leader of a KPOP group had some ups and downs, even though Soohyun generally could only see the bad parts. It gets better after some time, but sometimes it was too unbearable. How many times he had to swallow his pride for the sake of U-KISS? Of course, for s, he was willing to do anything, but there is a limit for how much a heart can take.

One of his tasks as a leader was to watch their performances to point out mistakes and make room for whatever improvement they could achieve in a small span of time. Usually, Soohyun would pay attention only to music shows. Now, he was watching everything they were featured in the last months. AJ reminded him to not take his eyes out of Hoon, and this is exactly what he was going to do.

He has to find out since when Hoon started to act out of the ordinary.

Well, not that he and Soohyun never acted like a pair of dumb silliness, but the younger’s behavior has been truly worrisome, to say the least.

It started with words. Hoon would stop mid-sentence and joke about forgetting what he was going to say. Since most of it happened at Japanese variety shows, nobody really cared and just followed up as nothing had happened. However, later, it wasn’t just words, but full sentences. Then, songs. Soohyun still remembers when Hoon forgot the lyrics of their own duet. And what he could analyze from music shows, Hoon has been making hard-to-note mistakes at choreographies. Actually, this explained why he was struggling so much lately and practicing more than anyone.

Soohyun frowned. He didn’t recall any fan or media portal pointing out those mistakes, then maybe Hoon was doing a great job masquerading that. But that definitely wasn’t normal. If Hoon’s doctor wasn’t going to tell him the truth, he would have to push the right button directly at the source.

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Hoon was packing his belongings, eager to get out of that hospital. It has been just some minutes since he was discharged, and he was ready to leave, but his manager told him to wait for Soohyun to pick him up. They would go directly to Gimpo airport to go back to Japan.

He was happy because it was Soohyun and nobody else. Thus, when the leader arrived, his smile was almost sparkling. However, it didn’t last long. Soohyun was dead serious.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

Soohyun’s answer was as sharp as a knife, and Hoon felt deep inside. He knew something. It was obvious.

A minute passed by and neither of them dared to speak. It was the leader who broke the silence.

“Since when?”

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes. Yes, you know. I’ve been patient until now, but not anymore. You are not fine. What is happening? Why can’t you tell me? Is it exhaustion? Or do you don’t care anymore and want to give up being an idol?”

“What? Of course not!”

“Then tell me!” Soohyun spoke louder than he desired, almost screaming.

A lot of mixed feelings passed through Hoon’s face. Anger, sadness, incredulity, despair, regret. It was too soon to tell. He didn’t want to be expelled from the group. He…

Trembling, he grabbed his hair and shut his eyes.

Soohyun could see it. He was hurting Hoon and was hurting himself. It was painful to watch and feel all those things. By instinct, he walked up to Hoon and tried to hug him, but was rejected by the younger boy. He tried again and again, and every approach was rejected. Now, even Soohyun was desperate, crying.

“Hoon, please. Please. I need to… I need to…” I need to embrace you, please. But these words wouldn’t leave his throat. “I need to…”

“I’m sick!”

Soohyun halted.

“What…?”

Hoon opened his eyes and looked at the leader, fear eating his soul away. If Soohyun needed so much to know the truth, then he wouldn’t hide it anymore.

“I’m forgetting everything.”