this was a one-shot. then I listened to Miley Cyrus' Slide Away and thought about life and so this happened. enjoy (?)

warning: this gets very ooc imo especially when it comes to Donghae, and the relationship gets toxic. pretend this chapter doesn't exist if you can't handle it! 

here goes.

The next day Hyukjae wakes up to a familiar heat wrapped around his body. He closes his eyes again and takes in a deep breath, and suddenly his heart aches with the knowledge of what could have been.

When he has his eyes closed it’s almost like nothing has changed at all. Like Donghae was still going to wake up and kiss him good morning, like they were still going to spend time cuddling in bed before the more rational one drags both of them out to breakfast, like they were still happy and in love.

He takes in a deep breath of Donghae’s familiar scent, and resists the urge to trace his finger down the tip of Donghae’s nose.

Hyukjae spends the morning pretending this was an everyday reality, and Donghae spends the morning pretending he was asleep.

No one says anything when Hyukjae gets out of bed after one longing look at Donghae. No one says anything when Hyukjae bends over to pick up his clothes from the floor. No one says anything when Hyukjae steps out of the room.

Anything hurts less than the quiet, but perhaps not on a day like this. Not when it comes to Donghae and Hyukjae.

Donghae stretches his arm out on the spot Hyukjae had just been lying on, and evens his breath out as he feels Hyukjae’s warmth dissipate. The tears threaten to spill again even on this seemingly bright morning, and Donghae takes in a deep breath and forces himself to look up at the ceiling.

How many nights have they spent like this, looking at the ceiling and pretending it’s not cheap drywall but instead the view of a million stars? Donghae had thought that it didn’t matter whether the stars were on the ceiling or out the window because he has got the brightest of them all right next to him. Donghae remembers them intertwining their fingers, Hyukjae saying something like “one day I’ll bring you to the northern lights”, and Donghae thinking in his head, Goddamnit, when will we grow up already? He’d used to be so enraptured by the idea of the men they’ll become, yet now there’s nothing he wouldn’t give up to go back to the boys they’d been.

Now that he’s grown, his imagination is tired of fixing things for him and making them look better than they are. Reality is reality, and this morning it presents itself in the form of a ceiling tearing at the edges.

Huh, seems like everything about him is having a hard time keeping it together.

Donghae scrunches his face and groans into his pillow.

--

Hyukjae makes them both breakfast while Donghae sits by the dining table and pretends to occupy himself with his phone. The silence makes it difficult to breathe, so Hyukjae stirs the egg batter harder and with more force than necessary and the sound of metal against metal goes clang, clang, clang.

Donghae looks up and watches the man’s familiar back view. Hyukjae never got into working out the way Donghae did, but his lean muscles still made for a perfect body frame and Donghae remembers being jealous of how any and every type of clothes would look good on Hyukjae. He was so jealous until one day he wasn’t anymore, and that was the day Donghae realised Hyukjae looked best the way he came into this earth – and warm.

But now this back view doesn’t stir up arousal or happy memories anymore, because it’s achingly reminiscent of the last thing Donghae ever saw when Hyukjae packed his bags and left for good.

His finger keeps scrolling down his Instagram feed but his eyes keep watching the same spot on the dining table. When did this table start looking so old and dirty? He wasn’t even aware tables could wear out.

Hyukjae breaks him out of his trance as he places two plates of scrambled eggs and pancakes down on the dining table. Donghae looks up at him and for a brief moment Hyukjae doesn’t know what he should do next, but Donghae gestures for him to sit and so he pulls out the chair opposite of Donghae gently.

“I hope you don’t mind me making breakfast, I just felt like I- I thought you might be hungry,” Hyukjae says.

“It’s okay. Guess I could use some food after yesterday night.”

There had been a time when Donghae would whine and groan over having to get up for breakfast the morning after they’d had , and Hyukjae would nose down his neck and get slapped in the face because ‘his breath tickles’ but Hyukjae would still pick him up in his arms and carry him to the dining table. Donghae would continue to grumble over his sore back and Hyukjae wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to lean in and kiss him on the nose. Hyukjae’s voice would turn soft and mellow as he promises to massage the ache away, but only after we’d had breakfast, okay? And Donghae would pout and look away because he knows that way Hyukjae would give in and feed him the way he always does.

But the present is not like the past, so Donghae picks up his utensils and digs into the food.

Hyukjae stares at him and a moment passes before he does the same. He keeps his eyes on the food and only on the food.

They eat in silence and Donghae manages to convince himself that it makes perfect sense for him to ask Hyukjae about his plans, because they’re friends now and that’s what friends do, right? So he does. “How long are you staying in Seoul for?”

Hyukjae looks up and says, “I’m not sure. Maybe till the end of the month or something, I haven’t really thought about it.”

Donghae nods and they fall back into the same awkward silence.

Hyukjae watches Donghae fill his mouth again and again with pancak