“Kwon.”

“Ji.”

“Yong.”

I whirled through the floor of my room and then threw myself on top of the bed with arms extended and giggling like a fifteen-year-old. I sighed deeply remembering how beautiful and warm his smile was. “It is so beautiful, really.” I giggled again as I grabbed my phone and typed his name on the search engine.

I know his birthdate of course. His band. His company. His fashion line, even his closeness with Chanel and other high-end brands. My eyes then focused on the left side of the screen on the “People also searched for” section. There I saw her, the beautiful Japanese model with legs longer than the equator itself, skin brighter and whiter than snow and soft-chestnut-brown eyes.

“Wah! She is really beautiful!” I exclaimed in awe as I scrolled down through her Instagram. “Beautiful and bold.” I felt a little bit insecure after seeing how daring she was. She was y for sure and her self-confidence exuded through numerous provocative images inside her social media.

I was not sure if they were dating. Kwon Ji Yong was very good at keeping his private life, private. No matter how hard I surfed the web I could not find an article to give me some sort of glimpse about the status of their relationship.

The last post about them I was able to found was on October 2014, apparently, they were captured having a date on a lounge bar in Cheongdamdong.

I scrolled down the numerous pictures Dispatch took of them and though it made me feel slightly uncomfortable it also showed me he was a loving, caring man with the people he loved. “He was in love, for sure.” I sighed and continued scrolling down the page.

W-W-Well it was pretty obvious that he would be in a relationship dummy! Why are you sad? I chuckled silently to myself thinking on how it even crossed my mind that the great G-Dragon would be single.

If you really think about it Kim Taeyeon, that was in October last year, a lot of things could happen in all these months. I stared at the date on my screen, April 31st, 2015. It has been awfully long, maybe, just maybe they are not dating anymore. I stood up from my bed and jumped my way like a happy kid to my bathroom to get ready to sleep.

That night I imagined how my next conversation with him would go. I imagined his cute smile a thousand times and his shy stare looking deep into my soul. I think I even fell asleep with a smile painting my face.

*****

“Unnie, it is time for you to wake up!” I heard Hyunie banging on my door.

I stretched and barely opened my eyes to grab my phone. The group I had with the rest of the girls was getting new messages non-stop.

Yoona wrote: [So is he dating her still?]

Soo Young wrote: [what I dislike the most is how Dispatch is invading his privacy, they even followed her to his apartment. It is so messed up. Hope he sues their petty arses.]

Hyoyeon wrote: [Why are they still together? They have had such a complicated relationship!]

Soon Gyu wrote: [Tif did you know about this?]

What the heck are they talking about? I did not want to scroll over the +50 messages to understand this.

Taeyeon wrote: [What are you guys talking about?]

Yuri wrote: [Go into Naver. It’s full of it. Dispatch captured Kiko arriving at Ji Yong Oppa’s apartment].

Damn! That felt like a bucket of cold water thrown at me.

I quickly opened the website and just as they mentioned it was at the top of the page.

That is his manager for sure. I do not remember his name but I have seen him before backstage running after him in the past. So they, in fact, are still dating.

I sighed deeply. I was trying to find somewhat peace after the beautiful future I had imagined last night since I knew now it was not going to happen. They have been together for so long and I guess they even have had it so hard trying to keep their relationship out of the news.

Feel happy for them Kim Taeyeon. I smiled weakly staring at the phone. I am happy for you, Kwon Ji Yong. So happy you have found someone you love deeply. Perhaps someday in the future, I will also be able to find someone too.

*****

Some people want money, others want power, some want to fulfill their dreams and there are a few that just want to fall in love. I am one of them. I always thought when I finally fall in love I will give my heart to that person without fear. With arms extended I will take a leap of faith just to fall within his arms. I will love him wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

But after that small incident where I planned my whole future next to a man I thought would be the one, I stopped trying so hard to fall in love. It’s not that I gave up, it’s just that I was not prepared to suffer a similar disappointment so quickly. So in some way, I let my heart heal which now was going to be so difficult since our promotions for ‘You Think’ had just started and they were still actively promoting their ‘made’ album. I knew our encounter would happen any of these days and to be honest, I did not want to see him for a long time, not until these dumbs feelings were buried for good.

“Gosh, Boo. You look so beautiful!” Tif said as she fondled my blonde hair.

“Don’t you think Taeyeon Unnie, looks like a femme fatale with this hair color?”

“A geeky-femme-fatale.” Sunny laughed

“Yah!” I exclaimed standing up from the chair, following the rest of the girls to the stage. I was so nervous, thinking about when I would cross paths with him again I could not stop looking everywhere.

“He is not here,” Tiffany whispered in my ear, placing her arm around my shoulders.

“W-W-What?” I stuttered.

“Ji Yong, Oppa is not here. He is in Japan.”

Ah yes! Of course, he is in Japan –– meeting his beautiful-model-long-legged-girlfriend.

I did not even ask Tif how she knew about my platonic love for Ji Yong, after all, she was my best friend and I guess she used her telepathy to figure that one out. I did feel so much relaxed after I knew Big Bang had pre-recorded their performance a few days ago.

So at least, I would not have to see him today. I cheerfully thought as our recording started.

Soon after that, we were just about to film the winner of the week when a PD stopped the recording. “We are waiting for someone else.” He had said.

A few seconds later TOP came running towards the stage and at the back, Ji Yong was following him.

Even when he was in a hurry he waved at Tif with both hands and I think my heart just dropped.

I could feel the deafening beating in my ears. It started so slowly but after a while, its paced increased and the rest is history.

Stop trying looking at him Kim Taeyeon. Just stop. Stop. He is just another colleague. He is no one. You are not interested in him. I was trying so hard to disheartened myself but when I saw him taking a step to where I stood, like a magnet, I leaned to get a small glimpse of him.

Nobody noticed that right? For sure no one did.

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