Lisa loves Chaeyoung a little bit more everyday..

It's not supposed to feel like this. It's not supposed to ache in her gut and burn in the corners of her eyes. It's not supposed to keep her awake at night, staring at the ceiling and fighting through her thoughts and the sleep that is nipping at her heels.

Love isn't supposed to be like this.

For someone that ached to be loved and loved with their entire body, Lisa never expected that she would find herself in a relationship like this. It was unhealthy. It made her feel so small sometimes. It made her ache, it made her cry, it made her want to run away. It filled her and left her empty at the same time. It kept her warm at night in her too small bed, but left her cold and alone in the morning when she woke up alone.

She couldn't stop loving her, even if it hurt. There was really no falling out of love with a girl like Park Chaeyoung.

And so, she climbs into that bed and lets Chaeyoung touch her. She bites down on her lip to keep her moans from leaving and somehow it feels better that way. She'll let her fingers and tongue do what they must, but she can't return it. She can't let Chaeyoung know that she needs it. She can't see that smirk and feel the pressure as she curls her fingers and s just a little harder. She can't make her proud of what a single glance can do to her. If she keeps it to herself, it keeps Chaeyoung down and maybe she should feel the same way that she does. It's been easier to hurt her lately. It's the only way she knows how to cope.

She's not enough. She's never been enough and she knows it.

It's been harder to stay silent in the dim of the room. They never make love with the lights on. She hasn't seen the sweat on Chaeyoung's face or the hint of muscles in her biceps as hands slide against skin. She's never seen Chaeyoung balance on one foot as she guides her over her feet, but she's imagined it and it makes her squirm. It makes her wet and impossibly and somehow, it makes this just a little easier.

She's had to do a lot of imagining lately. What it would be like to see those s and to look into those eyes as Chaeyoung marks her and s her. How it would feel to be the person that Chaeyoung holds hands with in public and introduces as her 'girlfriend'. How her heart would feel if Chaeyoung wasn't dating that guy from her art class, some guy named Jimin who doesn't think before he kisses her and would never even imagine bringing her flowers.

He thinks that making out in the vacant lot outside of campus is romantic. He doesn't think about her lips or her hands or the way his heart is thumping against his ribcage when she laughs. He doesn't linger outside of the building when he drops Chaeyoung off at night. He doesn't call. He doesn't say 'I love you'.

She could love Chaeyoung better. She could be enough. She knows it and that just makes it worse.

She just wants to be loved. She wants to slide her hand into Chaeyoung's back pocket when they walk and to be the cause of the blush that rushes into her cheeks. She wants date nights and car rides and showers together. She wants to be the name on Chaeyoung's lips when she comes. She wants…she wants everything. She just wants love and that is what makes this whole thing so hard.

Chaeyoung doesn't love her. If she loved her, she would come out. She would ignore the racing heart beat and sweaty palms and tell her father the whole truth. She would announce it to their friends with a kiss that isn't hidden and it wouldn't matter if they accepted them or not. If they could still look at them if they knew that they were more than friends. That they could keep supporting them and loving them and singing with them like nothing had changed.

Chaeyoung would hold her hand and tell her how much she loved her. How beautiful she looked that evening as they crowded into a booth with their friends at their favorite café and discussed art, music and other stuff. She would order for Chaeyoung and smirk when she would blush and look away. They would share a piece of pie and hold hands under the table, lost in their own little world. And nothing else would matter but the two of them.

She gets nothing instead.

She gets fingers in between her legs and a thumb nudged against a swollen bundle of nerves. Lips covering her own as she slips over the edge and into an that would just feel so much better if Chaeyoung actually cared. If there was love behind it. If Chaeyoung could just look at her and kiss her and love her. And when she comes and Chaeyoung rolls off of her body, she has to bite back the tears that desperately want to slip from her eyes.

She should be stronger than weeping under the dim light from the soccer field outside. The tears shouldn't be rolling down her face when Chaeyoung wordlessly hands her some Kleenex and leaves the room with shower tote in hand. She shouldn't feel like disappearing would be better than being in this bed when she returns. Like dying would be nicer than seeing Chaeyoung's face in the morning and avoiding her gaze as she slides off her pajamas and pulls her bathrobe on. Pretending that Chaeyoung's eyes don't linger on her s and at the apex of her thighs as warm flannel covers skin and protects her from the cold and the goose bumps that threaten to give her away.

She keeps it inside. She writes it down in notebooks and whispers it into her pillow at night. She closes her eyes and imagines Chaeyoung saying it when she touches herself when she's out of their room and at class.

It was stupid to fall for a friend and even worse that it was her roommate. She was always there. She was always hurting her. It never gets better, it never changes. She doesn't say it, but that doesn't mean that it's not there. You can't forget being in love.

And one day, as she comes down from her high and Chaeyoung slides out from between her legs she can't stop herself from saying it. She can see her face through moonlight spilling in through the window and as Chaeyoung wipes off and touches herself briefly, she can't hold it in any longer. Those words just slide from her lips and into the air and linger there like a cloud of breath on a cold day. And she wants to take them back, especially when Chaeyoung winces and freezes in the dark, but they're there and they're real and she can't make them disappear.

"I love you."

Chaeyoung turns the lights on. She doesn't hide her bare body or reach for her dress or the blanket that is next to her on her bed. She stands there, her body slick with sweat under the glaring lights and shakes her head. Her eyes linger on legs and abs and s, but never reach Lisa's eyes. She can't look at that girl and see the tears and feel the pain that she's bringing to her.

She can't admit the truth, not to herself or to the girl that for some reason loves her. She wishes to run, b