TWENTY-SIX

‘Hae?’ Hyukjae’s voice is blissed out and sleepy as he pulls his sweater back on. He reaches to touch Donghae’s arm softly. ‘Do you want to stay tonight?’

Donghae smiles and nods. They’re still in the storeroom behind the little shop, gathering up the clothing they’d discarded earlier. Donghae had lost his shirt somewhere along the way while Hyukjae had been covered by nothing except a sheen of sweat and Donghae’s kisses.

Now Hyukjae is exhausted, wobbly as he picks up his shoes and his jeans. He doesn’t bother putting them back on; he plans to go upstairs and shower anyway, and there doesn’t seem any reason to be bashful after the way the two of them have spent the last hour.

Donghae however, has kept his pants in place. Hyukjae had been keen to reciprocate, but Donghae was adamant. This time he wanted it to be all about Hyukjae. He wanted, finally, to be able to make Hyukjae feel desirable, and wanted, and good.

He’d only used his hands and lips, and- and he thinks- he hopes Hyukjae felt all of those things.

‘C’mon,’ Hyukjae says, extending a hand and blinking at him with sleepy eyes and a smile. ‘Since we already screwed up, we might as well shower together to save time and go back to being just friends in the morning, huh?’

Donghae feels like a bucket of cold water has just been poured over his head.

He turns away to pick up his shirt to give himself a moment to get the hurt expression off his face. Of all the things he’s thought about Hyukjae over the evening, just friends has not been one of them.

He knows he’s being stupid.

He knows that getting someone off doesn’t make them his life partner or anything.

But he had not been touching Hyukjae like a friend.

He had not been feeling like a friend.

All at once Donghae feels like he’s falling into another friends-with-benefits type of arrangement and he feels sick and panicky.

‘Hae?’

Hyukjae moves a little to try see Donghae’s face, but Donghae turns, pretending to be busy with his buttons.

‘Donghae?’

Hyukjae sounds a bit concerned now.

‘I’m fine,’ Donghae says, ing the bottom of his shirt and frowning down at it as if it’s a puzzle that needs all his concentration. ‘H-Hyukjae! You go ahead to bed, okay? I- uh I feel a bit warm, I’m just going to go outside for a while.’

‘You- what?’ Hyukjae asks, bewildered, but Donghae doesn’t wait around. He gives a really weak attempt at a smile just so Hyukjae won’t feel worried, then lets himself out into the cool darkness of the alleyway out back.

The door bangs shut behind him.

!

Donghae bends over and takes a few deep breaths and then walks up and down in the narrow alley. He’s remembering how being buddies with Siwon ended up feeling, and how much it had hurt, and it’s not even comparable because he didn’t feel for Siwon what he feels for Hyukjae.

More than that though, he doesn’t- , he doesn’t want Hyukjae to think for even a moment that Donghae is okay with touching him so intimately and then acting like it’s nothing.

He runs his hands over his face and then sits down on a damp stack of pallets.

What’s he supposed to do now?

He can’t- he really can’t go back inside and shower with Hyukjae (even if it’s possible in his tiny bathroom) then get into bed with him, cuddle him, and then go back to being distant in the morning.

But he ing will not risk hurting Hyukjae by leaving now and making it seem as if all he wanted was a quick bit of gratification.

No, Donghae thinks he’d rather sit the whole night in the dark alley to avoid either scenario.

Of course, he doesn’t get to do that either.

After maybe ten minutes, the back door of Hyukjae’s little shop opens and the confectioner emerges, fully dressed now and peering anxiously down the shadowy alleyway.

‘Hyukkie,’ Donghae says, because he can see the other man is already wondering if Donghae’s bailed on him. Hyukjae sees him and picks his way through the trash cans and barrels before lifting himself up to sit beside Donghae on the old pallet.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and Donghae can feel Hyukjae’s looking at him, but he keeps his own eyes fixed firmly on his knees. Then Hyukjae touches Donghae lightly.

‘Hae,’ he says. ‘What’s going on?’

‘N-nothing!’ Donghae says. ‘I was just- I needed some air, and I needed to come sit here for a while, and, um-’

Hyukjae is still peering at him.

‘Hae,’ he says again, and his cool, slender fingers find Donghae’s. ‘If- if it’s something I did, please can you tell me?’

Donghae feels awful. He wants to say it’s nothing or I’m just a bit tired but he knows Hyukjae will immediately know he’s not being truthful. There have already been so many misunderstandings between them, too. Donghae owes it to Hyukjae to be honest.

‘I don’t want to be your friend,’ he whispers. ‘When it’s morning.’

Hyukjae blinks at him.

‘Oh,’ he says softly. His fingers tighten around Donghae’s. ‘Hae-’

‘I’ve done it before,’ Donghae continues bravely, still staring at his knees. ‘The whole just-friends-when-it’s-morning thing. It doesn’t feel great.’

‘Hae,’ Hyukjae says again, and he sounds sad now, and remorseful; it’s exactly the opposite of how Donghae meant to make him feel.

‘I’m really sorry things went a bit far,’ Hyukjae says, and now he’s sounding like it’s his fault Donghae couldn’t stop touching and kissing him. Donghae turns to him urgently.

‘It’s not that,’ he says. ‘, Hyukjae, I- I just don’t want to- to treat you like a ual object and go home afterwards and leave you feeling- leave you feeling like they made you feel. I love you and want you so much, but I don’t want to do these things with you when we’re not boyfriends. And- and I forgot for a moment, t-that we weren’t-’

Hyukjae leans over and wraps his arms around Donghae, pulling him into a tight hug.

‘I know,’ he says, lips soft against Donghae’s ear. ‘It’s okay, Hae. I know. And you’ve never, ever made me feel like that, understand?’

Donghae nods, feeling a bit emotional now, and- and is this the first time Hyukjae has ever hugged him? Donghae’s hugged Hyukjae plenty of times but he- he thinks this might be the first time Hyukjae has ever hugged him first. His own arms come up to hold Hyukjae and he hides his face in the sweet warmth of his neck.

‘I’ll tell you about it,’ Hyukjae says. ‘About- about those guys and the videos, if you want me to. Because there’s absolutely nothing similar about you and that situation.’

Donghae nods again and Hyukjae kisses him on the ear, then on the cheek, then gently turns his face so he can kiss him on the lips.

‘I know this is really hard for you,’ he says, pulling back to gaze at Donghae. ‘And I’m so grateful you’ve been giving me time to try work things out. I- I hope you know how much I miss you every second we’re apart.’

He kisses him again, lips feather light against Donghae’s.

‘And how much I want you every moment we’re together,’ he says, eyes finding Donghae’s, dark and earnest. Donghae nods and hopes the alley is too dark for Hyukjae to see just how much that means to him; it’s the closest Hyukjae has come to saying he loves Donghae too.

Well.

If Donghae doesn’t count the broken phone he has hidden under his pillow at home, the one he told Hyukjae was irreparable but which he turns on every night just to see that little ‘I love you’ message again.

‘Will you come back inside now?’ Hyukjae stands and holds his hand out.

‘Yes,’ Donghae says. ‘But- but Hyuk-’

Hyukjae, a few steps ahead, looks back at him in concern.

‘I don’t think we can both fit in your shower,’ Donghae says.

Hyukjae laughs.

‘Should we go find out?’

He holds Donghae’s hand the whole way upstairs, and then holds it again while waiting for the shower to warm up.

Which it doesn’t.

‘We could try squeezing in together for a co