“Baekhyun! Baekhyun wait!” Chanyeol trudged through the mud.

Easily, he caught up to Baekhyun who didn’t make much progress limping through the mud with his wooden crutch.

Chanyeol s his hand around Baekhyun’s arm, to which he desperately shook off.

“Do not! Do not touch me!” Baekhyun yelled.

 He felt destroyed. He fell into the mud, screeching, crying, yelling. He threw his crutch away, letting the pain sink in.

Chanyeol just remained silent, stood there, knowing not to touch a vulnerable Baekhyun.

“I was so naive.” Baekhyun cried more, “I was stupid and young to think that anyone could ever love me.”

Chanyeol’s eyebrows furrowed, he let his head hang low, not daring to look Baekhyun in the eye. It was all too painful.

       “It's not like that. Please, Baekhyun…” Chanyeol tried but he knew he had lost.

    He lost everything including Baekhyun's trust.

-----------------

The next morning there was only a slight drizzle of rain. The sun was slightly visible but it looked like just as dull as Baekhyun’s stoic face that morning.

Chen had noticed right away when he walked into his office.

“What happened last night? Where’d you run off to?”

Baekhyun blinked a few times, coming back from staring at the ground for so long.

“Nowhere, I just got tired,” he said,  glancing to his right to realize his crutch was not there. 

“Why was that soldier following after you?” When asked to further the conversation even though it was clear Baekhyun was not interested.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Baekhyun said.

Chen nodded but his expression was knowing. His friend was hiding something, but getting something out of Baekhyun was impossible.

“I’ll be off then, don’t get too depressed.”

Baekhyun sat for a few minutes in his desk recounting what had happened last night. As much he didn’t want to, he couldn’t help but remember Chanyeol face and more importantly his olive green tank top provided by the military.

Did the conscription officers eventually catch up to Chanyeol? Had they known the whole time he was of-age and hiding from the war? He needed to know, but he also knew it would be a while before he could even talk to the man. Baekhyun sighed, kicking at his mahogany desk with his good foot. He needed air. Away from this dynamite, away from the gunpowder. Away from the mess in his ear.

He found himself in the infirmary. Baekhyun wasn’t sure how he ended up here but he managed to stroll along a grey asphalt walkway connecting the two buildings. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was allowed in, but no one had paid much attention to him,

The infirmary was smaller than his factory. Which appalled him of sorts. Health should have been more of a priority than weapons. He saw blue birds (nurses) everywhere. They were a majority of young women in their twenties probably eager to help the war effort to bring their loved ones back home. Baekhyun was envious.

Baekhyun looked around for a while, noticing different kinds of soldiers on hospital beds. Most were sound asleep or perhaps faint from the pain. Other soldiers were trying not to cry out in pain as bluebirds helped tie up their wounds. It was a mess. In other ways, it was the kind of mess Baekhyun found peace in. It didn’t smell like nitroglycerin although it did smell of something; blood, antiseptic alcohol perhaps.

One of the bluebirds noticed Baekhyun’s curious stance, so she walked up to him, patting down her bloody fingers.

“Hello, are you lost? May I help you?” She asked kindly.

Baekhyun tilted his head in confusion, realizing it was probably his limp that made him look like a patient.

“Ah...no thank you. I-Is there any way I could...help?” he asked instead.

It was true, the infirmary was a handful there were only so many nurses. Soldiers were coming in by the minute.

The nurse smiled pitifully, looking down at his left leg, “I don't suppose you realize you have gas gangrene.”

----------------------------------------------

Supposedly, gas gangrene was a bacterial infection they knew little about. It was caused by walking in the trenches all day. (Even though Baekhyun didn’t do much of that)  Baekhyun hadn’t felt a thing although they could confirm he got it. Of course, they were not knowledged with the fact that Baekhyun had previously sufficed an injury on his left leg. Maybe that is what made him more susceptible to the infection.

 The nurse had explained that if they didn’t treat him now the bacteria could eat up his limb.

When they unveiled his left leg some bluebirds curiously looked over at the sight.

Indeed some area of the leg was black mostly near his toes and heel. They were more shocked by the yellowish tinge along his calf.

One of the doctors narrowed his eyes at Baekhyun’s disability, “This is much more than gas gangrene.”

Baekhyun shrugged, “It should be nothing. I’ve lived with it my whole life,” he lied.

The doctor who had bushy eyebrows examined Baekhyun's expression. For what the physician didn’t know was that Baekhyun had been doing this whole life. Regular medical checks from the doctors were spent with his timid mother who would pinch the back of his arm anytime he’d say something wrong.

“Give him antibiotics,” The doctor nodded to the nurses before Baekhyun could get a good look at him.

Baekhyun sighed, intertwining his fingers and looking around at the other patients. He noticed a younger looking militant. His arm was in a cast and his eye was covered with gauze. He looked tired but noticed Baekhyun out of the corner of his eye.

“You’re Byun Baekhyun right?” the man said matter of factly.

Baekhyun opened his mouth to say something but was at a loss of words.

“Yes, how did you come to know this?”

“Our front lineman. Park Chanyeol talks about you all the time. Says you’ve got a leg limp, droopy eyes...other things I didn’t listen to. He sounded madly in love” he shrugs.

“Oh,” Baekhyun sternly nods his head.

The man’s eyes seemed lonely, but he seemed to enjoy speaking to Baekhyun. It was odd because the factory owner had made it clear he had no intention of talking about Chanyeol. The man was insistent, just like Chanyeol.

“He’s my cousin, “ he chuckles lightly, “I’m sure he’s mentioned me.”

Baekhyun doesn’t make eye contact, “Yes, he told me you were coming back from the war because you sustained an injury. That it got you a medal of honor.”

His cousin, who didn’t have a name yet smiled, “Ah yes. Truly, they only let me off duty because I had to take care of Sooyoung.”

The name of Chanyeol's sister was a forgotten memory really. Baekhyun hadn’t seen her ages maybe she had even grown taller than him.

Baekhyun looked at him now. His eyes were glazed with confusion, “I don’t understand. Chanyeol was already there to look after her.”

“Very true. But...it was always the plan from the beginning. Since his mother's passing, the military decided that custody between the two of us would switch. Of course, in selfish terms that meant if one of us was no use to their war then they would ship one off in the place of the other.”

Baekhyun nodded quickly, slightly startled when a bluebird comes to inject him with something white. He looks away quickly, afraid to get lost in his thoughts.

“Oh pardon me, I haven’t even introduced myself. My name is Doyoung,” the soldier said cheerfully. 

Baekhyun politely nodded. Finally, when the nurse left he shuffled to the side, hoping to get some answers from Doyoung about Chanyeol. The man was more of a mystery than Baekhyun had thought. He was just full of secrets one after another.

“One thing doesn’t make sense to me Doyoung. If either one of you needs to take care of Sooyoung then why are you both fighting the war right now?”

Doyoung pursed his lips, he blinked a few times and sighed deeply

“She passed a month ago. Pneumonia they said. I couldn’t tell you the look on Chanyeol's face when he found out. He was devastated.”

Baekhyun was too shocked to say anything. He only looked straight ahead, blankly at the wall. The commotion around him was suddenly halted and it felt like his heart sank into his diaphragm.

He knew something was off about Chanyeol. That night he had drunken eyes, he was hazy not in the right mind. Was that a reason for Baekhyun to forgive him? Maybe not, but right now Chanyeol needed his support, he needed his love.

“Doyoung, you must bring me to Chanyeol.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bluebird gave him to okay to leave. Besides, Baekhyun felt bad that he had taken their precious time they could have been using on the troops.

Doyoung was yet to be discharged however, he did tell Baekhyun that in fact, every Sunday night Chanyeol would be near the brothel usually smoking a pack of cigarettes or with his buddies.

Baekhyun also knew the other reason he would go there but decided it was best not to dwell on it. Right now, despite Chanyeols actions he needed to see him.

“Where you off to?” Chen walked in, holding out Baekhyun’s favorite whiskey.

It was their ritual. To have a drink every Sunday night. Of course tonight, Baekhyun had other plans.

“I’m going to go see Chanyeol,”

Chen raised his eyebrows in understanding, “So that was the doughboy who ran after you that night.”

“Yes,” Baekhyun curtly nodded, he grabbed his leather trench coat, limping as quickly as he could.

“What? You’re going alone, to the brothel?”

Baekhyun sniffled a laugh, “I’m not some weakling. I can handle myself.”

“You’re no more strong than I am,” Chen pointed at his amputated leg. “Besides, I wasn’t referring to your physical state. I’m takin’ about your emotional state. You were a mess the night you met this Chanyeol lad. Cryin’, depressed.”

“It won’t happen this time, I was just...shocked to see him is all.” Baekhyun then takes that as a sign to leave.

Nothing good has come out of Chen talking him out of things. He was sometimes too logical. Nonetheless, he snatched the whiskey from his friend's hand before he left.

When Baekhyun began walking onto the mud in the direction of the brothel, he chugged the bottle in one go, threw it on the ground and picked up his pace.

The mud was dangerously deep this time. It felt like quicksand but Baekhyun had been through worse. Jumping off a two-story building had taken the most impact on his leg. Walking through some mud wouldn’t phase him.

He could hear the brothel before he saw it. They didn’t have many lanterns around the place but he could hear the characteristic clanking of alcoholic drinks. He heard loud boisterous voices yell from laughter. He could hear quiet whispers of the showgirls, all wearing their black dresses and stockings.

Baekhyun clenched his jaw when he saw the familiar girl who was wearing the red dress again. She raised an eyebrow at Baekhyun before swiftly turning away to ignore him. Oh how badly he wanted to claw at her shiny black hair and poke her large eyes out. Though, he had more important matters to attend to.

Out of the mess of men who were crowding the bar he saw a familiar looking stature, hunched over. Chanyeol looked blankly at his glass of wine that he mixed around lazily by swirling it. He seemed lost and besides the movement of his hand, he was frozen.

Baekhyun held back tears.

Last night he hadn’t been able to get a good look at him. Now, he could see Chanyeol clearly. He looked exhausted. Eyes were bloodshot with a tinge of yellow. He lost weight, his cheekbones were prominent. Yet, he was the most handsome he’d ever been.

“Hello,” Baekhyun said quietly, carefully sliding into the chair in front of Chanyeol.

The tired man looked up from his trance. Immediately, his expression brightened. His eyes blinked a few times.

“I-Doyoung told you’d come to see me. So I-I brought back your crutch,” He fiddled around with a worn out looking wooden accessory, carefully letting Baekhyun hold it.

“Thank you.”

Chanyeol was nervous, although he was good at focusing on Baekhyun.

“I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.”

“I wanted to,” Baekhyun nodded, “I couldn’t stop thinking about Sooyoung.”

The soldier looked back at his drink, perhaps taking a moment of silence for his deceased sister. Or maybe trying his best to keep the thought of her out his mind. He leaned back in his seat swirling around his glass.

“It has only been a month...and I feel like I was just making dinner for her yesterday. One moment she was here...the next she was gone,” he blinked rapidly as if to make his incoming tears dissipate.

“You can weep. Crying...I find can be helpful.” Baekhyun suggests.

Chanyeol covered his face with the back of his arm. Baekhyun watched the soldier’s broad shoulders shudder. There wasn’t a sound but only a slight shake in his voice when he removed his arm.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun said, “I was stupid to just run away like that last time we met. I should have stayed and at least...talked to you. In fact...I-I’m not mad about the incident anymore. It was foolish of me to think that you somehow- you...belonged to me. It’s been months and you’re a grown man…” He trails off.

“Don’t pity me.” Chanyeol tells him, “Don’t use Sooyoung as an excuse to forgive me. What I did...was about to do that night, I betrayed you.”

“No. You did not.” Baekhyun took a deep breath, “It's not like we made a commitment before you left. There was no certainty.”

It felt awkward. It was odd speaking of the e that Chanyeol hired last Sunday to sleep with him. Perhaps it wasn’t the first time either, but Baekhyun knew he needed to step past it. He needed to see Chanyeol differently especially considering he was now in the military and there was no guarantee on his life. Baekhyun reasoned that most soldiers felt like this. Felt lost and hopeless. Thus, resorting to drugs and was their only option.

“My….my buddies put me up to. They said I was dwelling on the past...and I needed to open up. I refused. But the alcohol it caught up to me. And...I hate myself for it. I won’t ever forgive myself until I have forgiveness from you.” Chanyeol said sincerely, he looked down like he was slightly bowing.

Baekhyun choked back tears, he nodded shakily. At that moment he would have forgotten everything because of his Chanyeol, the one and only was right in front of him safe and sound. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I also came here to tell you...I’ve decided to join military medicine. I’ve been thinking about it in the back of my mind for awhile now. I feel as though...it is an appropriate time.”

Chanyeol’s face grew worried. His own mother had joined military medicine. It did not turn out well for her. Though, the happiness she got from it was exponential.

“What about your company?”

Baekhyun smiled, shuffling in his seat, “I think I know the right person who could take over for me.”

Chanyeol nodded. He nervously picked up his drink again, swirling it around and holding it with the tips of fingers. “And what about....us?”

“I think it is  best we focus on the war effort for now.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“What?! You’re insane. You want me to take over!” Chen was absolutely baffled.

“Yes,” Baekhyun said confidently.

“And what about your folks? What will they have to say about this.”

Baekhyun sighed, “They rarely visit anymore. All they really want is their monthly percentage of salary. Give that to them, and they won’t suspect anything.”

Chen nodded his head. He knew from experience there was no use in arguing with the young boy. At such a ripe age of 17, he had somehow become so like-minded and calm. Perhaps that is what war does to you.

“I understand. But...Baekhyun are you sure about this whole...medicine thing? I mean-”

“I’d rather help people. Not the war.” He said in finality.

The next two months went by simply. It was easy to wake up early at dawn knowing help was needed. After asking the head resident if he was able to help around the man was more than happy to offer him a place in the infirmary.

It didn’t start very marvelous as he imagined. Baekhyun would be sweeping floors from dawn until night. He would clean and mop up messes of blood and other fluids he’d rather not discuss. He wore a light blue button up as a uniform. The rest of the bluebirds weren’t sure what to call him. A nurse? Maybe a maid was better suited.

He didn’t really get any medical experience besides environmental exposure. He truly became used to the sight of blood, injection, cut off limbs, severed body parts you name it. He had become immune to the very thing that most people would squirm at.

After a month or so one of the bluebirds had noted his perseverance and hardwork. It earned him a spot to shadow one of the nurses. They told him to keep a careful watch. This is how all of the nurses learned, from watching. There were no textbooks, no professors, no lesson just pure raw skill.

So, for the next few weeks, Baekhyun cleaned at night and shadowed during the day. He was careful to keep out of people’s way. He knew his disability was a burden but he made sure to keep a straight posture and act like his crutch did not exist. He didn’t want to compromise anything.

“Here,” one of the bluebirds, one he remembered from the first time he came when she was injecting a patient who was in severe pain.

She handed baekhyun a syringe from the drawer, “You can have a go,”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened at the device. The very device his own mother used to almost paralyze him from the waist down. It was peculiar, the shape, the small ticks used for measuring.

He glanced at the patient who had his eyes half open. He seemed to be silent pain. His jaw slack and beads of sweat forming on his hairline.

Baekhyun carefully took a vile the nurse handed to him. He out the fluid with the syringe of which he read morphine. Slowly, with a slight tremor in his hand, he dug the injection into the patient until all the fluid had been released into his blood system. A small drop of blood surfaced on the patient's arm.

Somehow, the action of injecting gave Baekhyun a rush, “Are there not any regulations against this?”

The nurse shook her head, “In war, it's best if anyone can help. We’re short on medical staff so it is an advantage.”

Baekhyun nodded brightly. He caught the eye of the same physician who had treated him last time for gas gangrene. He was wearing a white-but dirtered coat. He was not hard to miss. It seemed like he was the only other physician besides the attending. That, and because he was the only man besides Baekhyun who was working in the infirmary and not the war.

Now that Baekhyun had a better look he noticed the physician had a short build. His eyes were wide and face slightly round. It looked like he was always angry but perhaps that was just his resting visage.

“That doctor, who is he? He looks fit to be in the war.” Baekhyun whispered to the nurse beside him.

“That’s Do Kyungsoo, the main resident at the infirmary. He’s a genius so much so the military general decided it was best to keep his brains. He’s not just a doctor, he’s a chemist.”

“That sounds...intriguing. What does he do?”

“Top secret they say, but everyone knows he develops chemical weapons for the army.” The nurse tells him before getting distracted by another patient near by.

Baekhyun couldn’t help but get the name out of the head. He was deeply interested in this Do Kyungsoo. He seemed like someone who could teach him the ropes about medicine. Maybe one day lead him to become a physician himself. 

One day, Baekhyun eventually approached the quiet physician. It didn’t hurt to make a connection around here. Especially since the ex-factory owner was looking to go into the field of war medicene as soon as possible. Do Kyungsoo would be a perfect mentor.

“Hello, there. I don’t think we’ve formally met. My name is Byun Baekhyun-”

“Gas gangrene, odd limp.”

Baekhyun looked at the physician in disbelief. Does this man only remember him by his medical conditions?

“Ah, yes. That is me.” Baekhyun looked away awkwardly, “Well I just thought since I am working here now I’d introduce myself.”

“No need. In times of war introductions, friendships and relationships are worthless. It all ends in ashes anyway.” Dr. Kyungsoo takes out a pen from his lab coat, scribbling something down on a clipboard next to him. “Here, I’ve registered you as a bluebird, if that's what you wanted.”

Baekhyun was confused by this man’s behavior. He was so monotone almost rude. He didn’t seem to care for human interaction and obviously assumed Baekhyun had approached him for selfish purposes only.

This made the limp seventeen-year-old very passive aggressive, “Thank you for the generous offer, but I only think it is only fair that I earn my place through hard work.”

Kyungsoo eyed him curiously, appalled by Baekhyun’s perhaps, contemporary behavior.

He had never met anyone so rooted in his morals during the time of war especially at such a young age. It seemed that Kyungsoo too was intrigued by Baekhyun.

------------------------------------------

The bluebirds kept him on watch outside for incoming patients. He would what they would call “Triage” them. As stretchers would be pulled in one by one Baekhyun would asses each injury by each soldier, making sure to send in the ones that were of severe need of medical attention.

Baekhyun got so good at his craft that he was able to distinguish people who were severely hurt accurately in such a short amount of time.

The head nurse grew impressed. She even let Baekhyun take a shot at the wrapping of wounds and suturing stitches. Baekhyun was content that he was helping out the best he could.

He was too busy to notice Dr. Kyungsoo who kept a watchful eye on him at all times, monitoring his every move. Sometimes, Kyungsoo would be in the middle of assessing a patient and immediately turn his head to the sound of Baekhyun’s voice. This intrigue...it bothered Kyungsoo a lot.

One day the physician decided to walk up to the male nurse.

“I’d like to study your peculiar limp.” He announced but was staring straight at Baekhyun.

The seventeen-year-old was taken aback at first but decided to comply. Even he himself did not know what his mother had injected inside him to cause this limp.

And so every night after his cleaning shift Baekhyun found himself in Dr. Kyungsoo’s private office/lab. Inside he had state of the art machinery. Microscopes and other items Baekhyun couldn’t name.

The military invested a lot of money into Dr. Do Kyungsoo. He was their ace, after all, creating deadly chemical weapons could potentially make them win the war.

“I’ll need to do and X-ray...so…” Kyungsoo looked down at Baekhyun’s pants.

“No problem,” He immediately removed his pants without shame.

The doctor tilted his head from the action, slightly feeling the burn of his cheeks.

When the X-ray was done Baekhyun sat quietly on a chair, watching the doctor intently click away at a device he did not know the name of.

“You’re muscles have atrophied quite a bit from normal size. But...not over time. Its as if it was instantaneous.”

Baekhyun didn’t want to say anything but he had to give Dr. Kyungsoo credit. He had gotten closer to the truth than any other doctor ever. Maybe that is what made the limp boy decide to confess.

“It was instantaneous. My….my um mother. Used to inject...I’m not sure what substance into my left calf every morning from the age of when I was fourteen.”

Kyungsoo finally looked up from his device. For the first time, he visibly showed a type of emotion. Baekhyun couldn’t tell what it was but it was something. Had the poker-faced doctor cracked?

“That seems rather...cruel.” Kyungsoo looked away, not meeting Baekhyun’s eyes.

Baekhyun nodded in agreement.

The next night, Doctor Do Kyungsoo had called Baekhyun to his laboratory to run some additional chemical tests in his leg. The resident was very trained on finding out what had caused Baekhyun’s limp. So much, that he would not sleep for nights as he racked his brain to solve the mystery. This was different from a mathematical puzzle because every time he would try and think about it he would remember the 17-year sad, droopy-eyed face.

“I’ve done the tests. It seems this injection...most likely contained an unknown bacteria species. If we can find out what it is this could advance many aspects of science.” Kyungsoo scribbled something down on a piece of paper.

Baekhyun felt timid when he heard that, “For science? Or for the war?”

Kyungsoo looked up considering the thought, “I never intend to discover for war. One of the first chemical mixtures I created was purely for science. I had no intentions of joining the war...until my father…well he is the general of this front line. He stole my findings and began to use them for artillery.”

Baekhyun was slightly shocked knowing that Kyungsoo was the general's son. However, he was more shocked hearing something genuine come from his mouth.

“You’re like me in some ways. Everything we have has been used against us. We’re children of war-mongering individuals. Who would stop at nothing, even if it meant killing their child in the process.” Baekhyun looked down at his leg.

Kyungsoo frowned. He blinked a few times before standing up to look closely at Baekhyun’s leg.

The resident hadn’t realized his fingers were slightly grazing over his calf, sadly looking at the scars. He felt his heart welt with emotion for the first time in years. He felt so much emotion at this moment that he could not think clearly.

In the shadows of the yellow light the lanterns gave off, Baekhyun’s face was so close. He could smell whiskey mixed with a minty toothpaste. Kyungsoo kept telling his heart to calm down but he couldn’t resist.

Before he could withdraw his mind from this odd place, his finger was already lifting up Baekhyun’s chin. He slightly bent back his head and kissed him, softly at first and when Kyungsoo wanted so desperately to give into the burning feeling inside his chest, he felt Baekhyun resist.

Baekhyun pushed the physicians' shoulders away from him, quickly telling him to stop.

“I-I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” With that, he ran off.