[part three]

The split wasn’t something any of you actually wanted.
None of you had wished to be separated, to lose that bond that music had made you feel so deeply, tangling your voices together so much that it was nearly impossible to tell which shades belonged to whom in the middle of your harmonization. It was something you had always loved, how you all melted to create something new, something special that you always thought it almost hid some hints of magic. None of you could have ever desired to be parted from that, and you knew it, but you also knew there were other things, important ones, that came in between with years and that ultimately forced you to take different paths.
Lately you find yourself thinking a lot about what happened, trying to give some sort of logic to the way things developed – so fast – and the unexpected outcomes that came from that. The rational part of yourself tells you that you knew the split would have had terrible consequences on your relationship, that there wouldn’t have been any more shared dinners and late-night talks, that breakfast would have been colder and practice harder. You knew the company would have made you lie about it all, what happened, how it happened, whose fault it was, but still when you find yourself calling them traitors on national tv, something feels terribly off and you feel the tears rushing to your eyes willing to be shed. You hold them back, though, because those tears aren’t meant for the public, and definitely they aren’t meant for the words you are saying: so misplaced and so untrue.

Another thing you weren’t ready for was people taking sides, breaking bonds, judging, bad-mouthing. Not just journalists and reporters, but your shared friends too. And common people. And fans. And you hate it how everybody is ready to state their own opinions on things none of them actually knows, none of them actually went through. It’s easy to blame it from the outside when all you can see is fame and success and what the heck were they thinking when they sued the company that made them so famous? How ungrateful. How selfish. How money driven. But they don’t know what was going on behind the curtains, on close doors, they don’t know about the sleepless nights singing till your voices disappeared, about the bruises and cuts from way too harsh practice, about the ill diets and the emotional violence, about always being restrained, about no freedom and too much pain.
You decided to stay, but still it’s not like you didn’t understand their choice.

The split came with a lot of loneliness too.
You think back on that first year and it’s hard to reminisce because there’s this dark blanket on your memories making them dull as if they were telling you not to think about it, to go on and don’t look back.
You remember a lot of repressed feelings, of wanting to speak but not finding the words, feelings of uneasiness, of being extremely aware around everything ‘cause the minimal surprise would have broken you in million pieces. You remember feeling alone like you hadn’t ever. You went from a house full of laugher and people to the single room the company awarded you and suddenly it was too big, too unfamiliar, too empty. You weren’t used to all the space, all the silence, and the feeling of it burned your skin like an allergy you didn’t know you had. The quietness of your new apartment was something that took a lot to get used to, especially because the silence made your thoughts so loud, filling your head with so much noise it caused you many many sleepless nights.
There were a lot of things in your mind those weeks, months after the split. Suddenly you didn’t have activities, you were blocked in your house with nothing to do, hidden from the outside world because you were too fragile and too risky, time-bombs the company didn’t want in their way.
The thoughts started to run free in the sour air of those days.
You thought about the past and the future, about your emotions – what they were, what they meant, how to overcome them –, about friends, family, people; you thought about the world, your meaning in it if there was such thing, about what others had to say – you’re strong, you can do it, but could you? –, about life as you knew it: was it good? Was it enough? Was it worth it?
You had never been a cry-baby, but those days you found yourself crying a lot too, unexpectedly. Sometimes you woke up crying, but once awake you couldn’t remember the dream you had and you were left lost, inexplicably sad, with a huge weight on your heart you couldn’t name or understand. Sometimes you were cooking and suddenly you had to stop because the tears were too much and the sobs were shaking you with such a force you couldn’t see a thing in front of you anymore.

In the middle of the chaos, you thought about both of them too.
Yunho was living with you, but at the same time he wasn’t. Physically he was there, moving from one room to the other, taking hours-long showers and eating your dinner together. But mentally he wasn’t there, he wasn’t anywhere. You could see him lying on the sofa and staring at the roof for hours, not moving an inch, just staying there, eyes wide open, blank and absent, searching for something on the white inexpressive surface of your walls. You spoke sometimes, but they were always small talks about everything and nothing – the weather, the food, that new song –, you didn’t really talk about what happened or what was going to happen from then on. It was too soon, the wounds were too open and whenever you looked at each other all you saw was the memory of something that was now lost.

For Yunho it was worse, though.
He hadn’t just lost his friends, his band, his music, he had also lost his partner, his lover, his better half. He was trying to adapt to a new reality he didn’t feel his and you could see him searching for Jaejoong in every corner, every movement, every laugh, every smell. Yunho and Jaejoong had grown up together for years, holding each other up in the darkest moments – Yunho’s poisoning episode, Jaejoong’s accident, those never-ending first weeks in Japan –, being an anchor when reality was sinking them, a safe harbor to come home to when the outside storms were too strong. However now they had lost their compass and they were left wandering alone in a world they didn’t know how to understand, left alone relate to.
Yunho blamed himself. For not having been able to keep you together, to keep you safe. He blamed himself for not having been a good leader, for not having seen your wounds sooner, for not having acted on them. In the past he would have hugged Jaejoong, soothing his back, whispering soft words in his ears trying to calm the storm inside him, and taking from his warmth the strength he needed to heal, but now there was no Jaejoong and there was no warmth to keep him from freezing in the cold nights of winter.
You knew Yunho thought about Jaejoong a lot, almost constantly, a recurrent image he couldn’t erase from his mind. And you totally understood it because if you, who were just his friend, his dongsaeng, couldn’t stop thinking about him, about the hurricane of feelings and energy he had always brought to your dorm, you couldn’t even imagine what Yunho must have been thinking, how deep he must have been missing him.

You thought about Jaejoong too.
How he was, how he was dealing with the split, with this new ed-up reality. Knowing Jaejoong you knew he must have been deeply in pain too, scratching on mirrors trying not to fall in the deepest desolation.
You worried about him a lot. Jaejoong was a kindred spirit who felt everything so much and so deeply, you knew he was probably barely getting by, trying to learn how to breathe again, how to speak, how to move again without Yunho’s constant support. Those two were both so internally linked it was extremely unnatural to think of them apart, separate individuals, far away from each other, and not just a single entity living off the other’s heartbeats.
The hardest part with Jaejoong though was not knowing.
Where he was: Korea, Japan, the States? You tried to pick hints of news where you found them, but they were always late, always unprecise, and they never gave you the certainty of knowing he was somewhere safe, somewhere happy. How he was: had he eaten? Had he slept enough? Was he smiling, was he crying? Jaejoong broke so easily it had always scared you how down he would fall, how deep he would hurt. With whom he was: was he alone in his room? Out with friends having fun? You doubted it, but in your heart you truly hoped he had someone to rely on, someone to talk to, because Jaejoong and loneliness were like gasoline and fire and when they met they always ended up in ruins. Jaejoong was a person that didn’t do well by himself, he wasn’t made to live alone, he always had this desire to mingle and connect, as if his very own existence lived on the people he surrounded himself with.
You wondered often about what he was thinking too, if he had found what he was so desperately looking for, if once the chains around himself were finally broken he did manage to fly over the past and the hurt, somewhere far away where the freedom of being himself was no longer a right to win, but the mantra that guided his daily life. You wondered if he stayed awake at night, turning his myriads of feelings into words, knowing that someday he would be able to sing them to a crowd, talking to them in the most intimate way, without having to pass through layers of bureaucracy and sales management evaluations and without having to wait for those same words to be old because of the company’s need to balance the schedules of so many artists. You wondered who he would be writing to, but if you knew Jaejoong a little bit, you knew the answer was hidden in the clear sky, not a cloud laying any doubt on the subject of his songs. Jaejoong had an inner need to write about Yunho, as if his body constantly asked him to put into melodies and lyrics the feelings that were shaking it, as if it couldn’t rest until the paper was crumbled and dirty with ink and sweat, as if it breathed and run on the race to make sure his feelings were safe somewhere: named, addressed, shared.

The distance between you two was something you couldn’t bare at times and not knowing if he was ok broke you too so many times that year.
It still does. Even though now you’ve found a way to live with it, somehow.

***

One day Yunho wakes up with a resolution and determination you haven’t seen in his eyes in months.
He knocks on your door and doesn’t wait for your answer before barging in and sitting at the end of your bed, staring at you from the short distance.
It’s a quite winter afternoon, the snow is falling gently on the city, covering the unspoken sadness of common-like buildings and a dead nature. It’s not coming down a lot of it, it will probably melt in a few hours, but it is still enough to create those white layers that have the power to make people smile and kids frenetic, playing in the country yards with the mere hints of a winter magic.
You’re sitting on your bed reading a book about personal growth from some foreign author. You read them a lot these days, they somehow help you understand the patterns of your life and they provide some support when the world around yourself starts getting too tight and the air you breathe is suddenly too heavy. You’re reading a passage about the importance of appreciating the small things of your everyday life when Yunho makes his way into your room and stares at you with that look that tells you he has something to say.
You put down your book and wait for him to start, but Yunho takes a moment to look around your room before speaking. You see him noticing the small additions, new books, new cds, the succulent your mother sent and stressed you to water – be careful boy: not too much, but not too little. If you do it right, it’ll bring you so much joy – that old picture that’s about to fall out, the frame pins loosen from time, but still hanging to the past enough to get by.

He wonders around a while before coming back to you.

“Changmin” he starts, his voice low, as if he had just woken up. He smiles looking at you and you kind of start to worry because behind the rawness of his voice you recognize the delicate tone, the one people always use when they have to tell you something bad but they don’t want to hurt you.

“I’ve been thinking a lot these days” he goes on, “about us, about dongbangshinki.” and you notice how he says the name all together, fast, as if lingering on the words could burn him, memories still too close and still too hard.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you as I should have. I was hurting, but I know you were too” he lends a hand mid-air as an apology and you take it and squeeze it, letting him know that it’s ok, you understand.

“I…I have been hurting a lot Changmin. For all of it: the split, him. It’s not easy learning to go on without him” he confesses, voice broken, eyes teary. And you see how he still can’t say his name, how the way his syllables match and sound still awaken too many things, old laughs and smiles living together with this sense of absence it’s hard to accept. And you understand it.

“I feel responsible somehow and I know you think I am not, but he was my everything, how could I not see how much he was hurting? And how can I keep on going forward without knowing if he’s ok now, if he’s safe? I cannot Changmin, let me tell you this. I can’t go on thinking about questions I’ll never get an answer to: it’s breaking me. And I can’t go on losing myself in the illusion of what ifs and if onlys because for how beautiful those worlds are, they aren’t real and they are not fair. Not to us, not to them, not to him.”

Yunho stops a moment gathering his voice and words.

“That’s why we have to do it.”

He looks at you with such an intensity it’s hard not to crumble under it. And you know what he’s talking about, you know it’s the right thing to do, it’s just that you don’t know if you’re ready for it. If it will indeed help you overcome the dullness of that past year or if it’ll only make things worse.

“We have to go on, Changmin. We have to close this door because the draughts coming from it are too cold and they’re freezing us in time. We cannot keep on waiting hoping something new, something good will come from it because it won’t, it’s in the past. And it was good Changmin, it was good, and it’s ok to remember it with a smile, but that’s it.”

“When we were talking about what to do, before, I never thought it would’ve blown this out of proportion. I never thought the choices we made would have divided us so much. But this is our reality now and we need to start adapting and we cannot do it with an eye always looking back.”

There’s a single tear rolling down Yunho’s cheek and in the middle of this sudden painful conversation you find yourself thinking it’s for him. An unspoken goodbye. A regret. Maybe even an I love you – still.

“Are you sure hyung?” you dare to ask. Because you know you have to, but you also still cling to the ideal that maybe something will indeed come back.

“I am. It’s time.” Yunho stands up and takes the old frame from the coffee table, bringing it back on the bed. “Do you want to say something?”

You look at the photograph embedded in the small squared object and for the last time you let your memory run free. There’s five of you sit on the bare stage of such a wide arena. You’re taking a break from rehearsal, enjoying the others’ presence looking out at the stadium that will soon be filled with so many people. You’re just there in practice clothes and no make-up, away from the big lights and screams, away from the cameras and the crowds. You’re just five kids. Singing and laughing, local dialects and funny voices coming up now and then. And that’s what you miss more, that sense of freedom, of acceptance, of love hidden behind a smile, a joke, a punch, but at the same time so loud.

“I am angry” you say and by the look Yunho gives you, you know it’s not what he was anticipating.“I am angry because it is not fair. I am sad and hurt. And I don’t like to feel this way.” You take a break trying to find the right words to make Yunho understand. A soft smile suddenly breaks on your lips though.

“It was good, wasn’t it?” you ask him, and you both know it’s not a question that will ever need an answer. “I miss him too, you know” you add then “probably less than you do, but it still hurts a lot. And I don’t think I will ever be ready to say farewell to him, but maybe now it’s time to say goodbye. To let go of that hand. And maybe one day he will shake it again too, but for now we need these hands to hold us otherwise we’ll fall, Yunho, and I don’t want to fall anymore. I’m tired of getting hurt.”

“It’s ok.” Yunho says with a smile, squeezing your hand and nodding in apprehension.

“We’ll be strong Changmin-ah, and I promise you one day you won’t have any more tears. I promise you one day we will smile about it together. And maybe he will smile with us too. But for now, let’s try to go on, one day at a time.”

You nod at the vision, the idea of thinking back and having only good thoughts such a foreign feeling now, but something you definitely yearn for.

And while you squeeze Yunho’s hand back, accepting his plan of moving on without letting the memories pull you down, without thinking constantly about someone that’s painfully not in your reach right now, you wonder if time will be kind to you and maybe the door of the future will let in some warm breeze for once.

***

Life is strange after that.
Not in a bad way, just different, but it takes some time to get used to it. New dynamics and foreign people, rhythmic melodies and so many lines.
You make a comeback with the beginning of the new year and standing on the stage as a duo makes you nervous, shivers running through your body carrying the fear of not being good enough, of not being wanted, not being anticipated like you used to feel opening dome concerts and world tours. But when you do come out for the first time on the familiar platform, body in position ready to dance, microphone set and lungs full of air expecting to be turned into music, you hear the crowd scream and you see sticks lightening the dark room, and somehow you know it’s gonna be ok.
It’s just the two of you now, but you complete each other like a puzzle, filling the space where the other is missing, reinforcing your strengths with your mutual support.
You hate the new song, you both do, because it retells a story none of you wanted to re-listen, especially when the plot was completely overturned. But you deal with it, you picture something else in your mind and address the song to those who really hurt you through the years, those who really deserved such words. You use the wickedness of the lyrics to make your moves more powerful, conveying all the anger you feel inside into dancing.
After some time, you realise you don’t have to really believe the words you’re saying to sing majestically, you learn to separate the two things: feelings and singing. And you’re glad for it, because now it comes easier and even though you don’t feel some performances completely as yours, at least you have stop hurting and for the new year it’s more than enough.

One of the hardest things you have to get used to is space.
Before there were five of you and space was divided more or less equally between you, small portions of movements, enough to feel close but to be able to breathe too. You had always felt somehow protected between Jaejoong and Yunho, somehow looked after, closed within their bodies and voices. Now it’s different. There’s more ground to cover, more emptiness to fill and in the first weeks of promotion you avoid looking too much to your right side, knowing reality wouldn’t match the expectations you still have grounded in your mind. You feel coldness, a dark corner you refuse to acknowledge because even though you and Yunho have decided to go on, even though you have sworn together that you wouldn’t have hurt anymore, that you would’ve looked forward, it’s isn’t easy to turn around and accept all that empty space, all that missing warmth.
It takes you a while to feel whole again and completely confident in your new spot, to enjoy the sense of freedom it now gives you. 

You don’t forget Jaejoong, you both couldn’t even if you wanted to, but you learn to live with the fact that he’s not in your life anymore.
You accept him in your new life as a distant relative, someone you care about, but whom you don’t think about anymore. You know he’s there, somewhere, you know he exists in your same universe, in the same moment in time, but your trajectories don’t cross anymore.
It’s not easy, but Yunho was right, it helps go on.
You also try not to mention him, along with the past. It’s more difficult at the beginning, but practice makes perfect and after a while you don’t even feel the need to acknowledge him like you used to do.
Sometimes you do see him though. On posters or videos around the internet.
When it happens, you try not to linger too much on those lineaments, so familiar, on the way his eyes shine against the bright lights of the shows. You always try to avoid looking at those for too long because you know they will naturally bring back memories. Sometimes, however, you can’t help but stop and feel the familiarity with which Jaejoong still bulldozes into your mind. At times it doesn’t even hurt anymore, it just leaves you with a smile and a light heart.
You chuckle noticing his unmistakable details: big doe eyes, cherry lips, that tone of laugh that used to fill your days.
But it doesn’t take long to realise there’s something off.
Cheeks too sharp. Arms too skinny. Voice trembling. Hands shaking.
And when that happens you need to force yourself to log out because you know you won’t be able to stop worrying if you don’t. You know you won’t be able to let go.
 

***

One day you see him.
And it’s unexpected, shocking, kind of frightening too, but what you’re not surprised about is how familiar it still is.
It’s somewhere around the end of 2013, probably November, the air cold but the weather still somehow clement, no snowflakes covering the grey streets of Seoul.
It has been a very generous year, that one. You released a Japanese album and the continuous promotions kept you busy with music shows, interviews and a tour that gave you back so much. It was the first time that you performed at Nissan Stadium, and sometimes you still don’t realise you did that. You filled the 88.000 places arena as foreign artists in a country that hurt you so bad and stressed you so much at the beginning, you would have never imagined that it could have meant so much to you by now. Japan is like a new sibling who you end up loving but that takes you a little to get used to. And you do love it now.
It has been a great year also because you haven’t been dwelling on the past anymore. For the first time, you really found the energy and will to go on and it brought back a lot of happiness and took out that heavy burden you had always felt on your chest.
Yunho has been good too. A little more carefree, a little less focused on work, practice, responsibilities. He has started to go out more too, with old school friends and some labelmates, and you think it’s good because this way he can let off some steam and recharge with the company of those dear to him. Those who understand him truly beyond the façade and walls he builds around himself. You’re not as close as you used to be, but you think it’s ok, it’s useless to force things now. You know you’ll always be there for each other when you need it and that’s what counts.
He’s in a good place, going on for real, not just overcoming the split, but trying to overcome Jaejoong too, and you know it takes him a lot to do so, you know it’s a hard deal and a painful process. You know he had said to go on and he did, but you also know that Jaejoong had always been there somewhere, stuck with him like magnets to iron.

That’s why when you see him, you’re afraid.
You’re in a small pub, a very intimate place, drinking out with some friends, enjoying the close atmosphere and the chilling vibes the night still gives you. You’ve had some beers, home-made ones, and you’re chatting about the others’ news – Minho and Kyuhyun’s – when you notice him. You’ve been there for a while, but the soft music and the dark lights didn’t make him stand out, and that’s why you didn’t linger on his figure too much, back-facing you some tables away from yours.
But then, at a certain point the melody goes down, signaling the intermodulation between one song and the next one, and that’s when you hear it: a laugh. Clear, loud, so defined and so familiar it makes you heart skip some beats, like that time so many years ago when you heard him laugh, half-asleep, laying on top of Yunho on the cold floor of the practice room. It’s incredible how much time has passed but how warm his voice still is. You know it’s him the moment he fills the air and in the blink of an eye it all comes back with such a force and such an intensity you wonder how he can still have that power over you. And suddenly you’re afraid. Afraid that this new addition to the current equation of your life could make you waver and destroy all your sacrifices and results. That’s why you pretend nothing happened and you keep on listening to the others’ stories trying not to lose your composure. You’re glad they are both facing you, because even though you know that they wouldn’t be able to recognize him from a laugh, drunk in the middle of a pub, you also know that if they were to face him, the situation would quickly escalate.

You don’t hold resentments, neither of you does, but for some reasons everybody else do.

However, despite how much you try to ignore the fact that that blonde head belongs to Jaejoong, that those swift movements once used to move the air you breathed, that that voice still awakens feelings inside of you, you know you cannot deny reality for too long and the moment he turns, reaching for something in his backpack and his eyes meet yours, staring surprised into your dark pupils, hitting you so deeply, you realise there’s no point in worrying about what he could cause because Jaejoong has always been some part of your life and even though you are apart now and you don’t talk anymore, even though there’s so much pain between you now, he is someone that you’ll never be able to forget.
And for the first time in years thinking about him, you smile. A genuine smile. You look over Minho’s right shoulder and you see him looking back with a shock that quickly turns into one of his old caring looks, those of knowing you were ok. And he nods, slightly, and you think it’s unreal the way it all feels, so nostalgic, yet so incredibly new.
You see him emptying his glass and standing up, looking over you quickly, before grabbing his jacket and going out for a smoke.
And you follow him. Like you did, running, when you were all said you would debut soon. You remember he took your hand and helped you through the way. And so you do now.

“Sorry guys, I saw an old friend” you interrupt Kyuhyun’s story about some ethnic food he ate in Thailand “I’m going to say hi” and you don’t wait for their answers before standing up and walking through the door.

You find him sitting on a bench just beside the entrance, the cigarette still not lighted up resting between his fingers. He’s looking up the night sky and you don’t know if it the reflection of the stars or the tears hovering, but you swear you can see his eyes shining.

You sit beside him without saying a word, your voice suddenly lost and your throat getting drier. But it doesn’t matter because it had always been Jaejoong the chatterbox.

“It’s been a while” he says, still looking out “I didn’t expect to find you here when I was called for a drinking party” he adds with a light chuckle.

“How are you Changmin?” and now he turns to look at your face properly and you know his mind is spinning from the way his gaze wanders on your face, running from your eyes to your mouth back to your cheeks and forehead.

“I’m fine” you answer, “for real.”. You don’t know why you add the last part, but it’s like sometimes people don’t believe you when you say you’re ok, like they expect you to crumble, like they think you’re this fragile bird whose wings keep on breaking. You were. But now you’re past that.
But Jaejoong believes you, you see that in the way he smiles and nods. “You look great.” he adds.

And now it’s your turn to look at him, to take in all the little details.
How his face looks older, more mature, his eyes sharper, but still hiding those big curious pupils of his. How the blonde hair fits him so well, blending with the pale complexion and giving him a younger vibe, despite the lineaments of his face speak otherwise. You notice he’s skinnier too, way more than he used to be, and you wonder if that’s the result of the pain from the break-up or if it’s just something else. He looks sad too. Beyond his undeniable beauty and ethereal appearance, you see the sadness and depression he tries to hide. You guess he’s still hurting a lot and it hurts you how you still know him so well, how you can still tell what he’s displaying the world and what he’s truly feeling and it hurts even more to know you’re not in a position to help.

“I saw you made it to Nissan Stadium” he says, “congratulations, really. To both of you. You deserve it.

You nod in response, looking down.
“Thank you.”

“How is he?” you hear him ask then, suddenly, like an instinct he couldn’t control.

“He’s good”. you reply, not really knowing what to say. Yunho was good, but at the same time he wasn’t whole. That was something Jaejoong didn’t need to know right now, though.

“I’m happy to hear it. He’s a good person, he really deserves to be happy.”
And it hurts you how even now after years he still cares so much. And you that it’s that care what hurts him the most too, what keeps him bonded and tighten. You have never watched his shows, nor have you purposely looked for his pictures on the web, but you happened to see snippets of him, bites of concerts and interview, and from the looks of them, you know he’s still suffering so much. You look up at him and beyond the rock façade he has given himself now, beyond the bad boy and rebellious teen, you see the heartbroken guy that’s just trying to bear with it all.

“How are you?”

“I’m trying.” he smiles. And you know he’s not faking it, but at the same time you wonder if he’s really trying to. Yunho and Jaejoong are similar: they both hurt deeply because they both care deeply. Not just with each other, but with friends too. However, Yunho distracts himself in order to forget, he busies himself not to think, not to dwell, not to feel, and he hopes that time will do its work and make the wounds less painful so that when he does come back and face his past, it’s easier for him to accept it and move on. Jaejoong, on the other hand, wallows in his pain and self-doubts, disappearing in it till the whole of it melts perfectly with himself and once he has absorbed it all, he’s finally able to go on. But you wonder if he’ll ever be able to swallow all that pain, and if he will, you wonder if he will survive it too.

“You deserve to be happy too, Jaejoong-ah.” you tell him, trying to save him from the sinking boat he’s rowing.

He nods, a solitary tear rolling down his face.
“It’s hard” he confesses, “still, even after 3 years.” he pauses, taking his breath. “He’s not someone easy to forget.” His voice is lower than you remember, but maybe it’s just the pain speaking, riding from the core of his heart and taking the rawness with it.
“Sometimes I think I have, then I see him on the news, or someone mentions him, or out of nothing someone asks me out and I know I haven’t because I still feel him inside of me”
He looks at you then, with softer eyes and wet cheeks.
“I think I will never be able to forget him” he says, “I just have to learn how to live with it.”.

It’s then when you realise that it probably is the same for Yunho too.
He’s doing good and he’s happy and he goes out with friends, but still you see how he takes on dates only to break their hearts a day after. It’s always the same: too skinny, too fit, too cold, too exuberant, too loud, too quiet. As if there was always something off with them, something that kept him from giving his heart out. And now you realise it has never been about the girls or the boys, it’s about him. It’s about trying to find Jaejoong in someone else, trying to catch that fire in someone else’s eyes and you know Yunho is not stupid and he had said to go on, but you wonder if he really thinks he will be able to find that. And maybe it’s like Jaejoong said: it’s not about forgetting, it’s about learning to live with it, but how could someone ever live up to that expectation?
In the end, they are both same, you realise.

“Jaejoong-ah, I’m sorry you’re hurting.” you just say, not really knowing how to reply to that, how to truly understand their side of it.

“It’s not your fault dummy.” he replies, smiling through the pain. “I’m still your hyung though, you punk” he adds then, punching you softly on the arm and reminding you of past days fighting for the smallest things.

“Will you sing for me?” you ask then. “I miss hearing you singing in the house.”

And he smiles again, happier this time, closing his eyes and breathing in the cold night breeze, letting his voice run on a melody you don’t recognize, but with a warmth so familiar you find yourself moving closer to him, missing that old connection.
 

***

Happiness is like a crystal ball, you come to think one day.
There’s a house, standing still in a winter scenery, content with the way the world made it up to be. But then there’s a shake and suddenly snowflakes are running all over, completely surrounding the small house in a new atmosphere, so magical and surreal, you can’t help but smile while looking at it. Happiness is like that: something steady, but that sometimes comes unexpectedly too, catching you when you’re the most unprepared for it, leaving you with a sweet aftertaste in the dullest moment of your life.
For you, happiness is waking up late in the morning and enjoying a cup of hot tea while looking autumn changing the color of leaves day by day from your window. You still don’t like the season, but with time you have learnt to appreciate its small details.
Happiness is reading a book in a park on a nice spring afternoon, the sunrays kissing the complexion of your skin – still so pale despite the hot weather – giving you that sense of warmth you always find yourself looking for. It’s quiet and there are not a lot of people around, making you feel like a normal person spending a very normal off-duty-day.
Happiness is looking at Yunho during a concert, his body so on fire that gives you energy too. It’s sending a glance sideways and knowing he’s there – for you and with you –, knowing you’ve made it and knowing you’re enjoying it, taking pride and fun in every movement you make, every note you hit.
Sometimes happiness is just making a bowl of bibimbap, drinking a good glass of wine, watching a nice movie, reading an interesting article. It comes easy, but it catches you off-balance too.
Like that day of the last stop of your With tour when Yunho comes in your waiting room during the final preparations just before the concert begins and says he wants to tell you something important.
You’re sitting on the couch, relaxing before the big day, trying not to ruin the make-up and outfits you are already wearing when Yunho breaks into the room with a new resolution of his face.
He comes close to you in like two steps and stands in front of you looking down with big knowing eyes, those he always has when he’s about to talk about something good.

“Changmin-ah.”

“Why did you break into the room like a maniac an half an hour before we have to get on stage?” you ask, weirded out.

“Because I need to tell you something.” he starts and you knew it from the moment he opened the door, but you were hoping you could be spared from the ted talk, at least before this concert.

“And it cannot wait after we’re done with the concert?”

“It’s about the concert.”

“What?” in your mind all possible scenarios of Yunho wanting to change choreographies last minute are fighting one another and suddenly your head is aching.
But Yunho takes a different road, one you hadn’t expected to in this very moment.

“This is our last concert before military service” he starts, “and, you know, even though I know it won’t be our last concert ever, it kind of feels like the end of an era.” he takes a break then, before going on. “It’s not the first time we end something to begin something else” he gestures, “but this time it’s different because we’re aware of it, somehow. We can live it fully, we can feel and treasure it till the last note, till the last applause, till the last screaming fan.”

You look at Yunho not quite understanding his point. You understand what he’s saying and you agree, but you don’t get what his final take is.

“Yeah I know” you simply say, “and we’re going to.”

“But Changmin-ah, I’ve realized something. These past few years they’ve been good. We’ve achieved a lot and I genuinely lived and loved them. But there was always a back feeling, something hidden, like an aftertaste, that didn’t let me enjoy them 100%. Let’s say there was this 5% of me who held back and I don’t know why, maybe because of guilt, maybe because of nostalgia, maybe because I was just still very heartbroken.”

He stops there for a moment and you swear you see the ghost of a past Yunho coming back, digging out his grave.

“You know so many years ago I told you we had to move on, to let aside all of it and look forward. But I was wrong. We don’t need to forget to move on, we don’t need to ignore it, ignore them, ignore him, because this never worked with us, it’s not how we were made to be. I will never be able to forget him Changmin, it’s something I’ve realized lately. But we do need to keep going on, like we have these past years, and I need to accept the fact that he will always be here somehow.” he says squeezing his own jacket.

You listen to Yunho and you nod, showing him support, and you smile in the end, his words reminding you of that night of some years ago when a drunk and hurting Jaejoong told you the same thing.

“And it’s ok. I don’t know if it’s because of the fact that I’m about to enlist, that this time of our life is about to finish. A time we hurt a lot. But you know for the first time when I think about him, I’m not in pain anymore. And I’m happy, genuinely, about what we had, and what the future will hold for us.”

He’s smiling too now, a big smile full of energy and positiveness and you couldn’t be more proud of how far he’s come since the break-up, since the split, you couldn’t be more happy about all he’s learnt by himself, finally facing his feelings and overcoming them in the best possible way.

“I’m happy Changmin-ah, for real, I just wanted to tell you that. And I want to be very happy today because everything is finally falling into place. This is my turning point.”

And while you look at him, a new determination in his eyes and lighter weight on his heart, you think of what brought you together that many years ago – you, him, Jaejoong – and what still keeps you inevitably linked after so much time. And while you’re up on stage, the concert now almost done, a sad loving ballad filling the arena, you think of where you started too, singing on staircases and empty squares, and you see where you are now, thousands of people singing along with the melody, tears mixing with the rain that doesn’t seem willing to stop. But it’s ok. You feel like the weather shares your same goal, washing the past away – not all of it, just the hurt – and getting ready for a clear sky. You’ve hurt enough, you’ve sacrificed enough, now it’s time to finally be happy.
Yunho is crying but you know his tears are rewarding ones, of finally getting there, of finally discovering what had always been there, a happiness he didn’t think he was allowed to feel. He cries out loud probably for the first time since you debuted; he cries for the love he hears and feels and that he’s so grateful for, he cries for the two years ahead of him – unknown but somehow exciting too – and he cries for the past, for a present he hadn’t anticipated and for a future he hopes will bring in only good things. Somehow, you’re going back to the past to start again, acknowledging it with a newfound maturity and thinking back now doesn’t hurt as much as it used to do. Beyond the nostalgia, now it makes you smile.
You look at Yunho, holding your microphone up in the air, and your eyes meet and past the rain, past the cold, past the music you both welcome this unexpected happiness.
 

***

Yunho calls you one day with a tone higher than his usual one and a giddiness you hadn’t heard in years.
It has been around four months since he enlisted and from the previous calls you know he’s doing just ok. Yunho is one of those people who manages to adapt to whichever situation he encounters, and not only does he manage to bear with them, but he usually succeeds at them too. You’re relieved to know he’s fine and making friends and enjoying the common life, despite the hard training and evaluations, but you’re not worried about them: Yunho’s perseverance is well-known and you’re sure he will ace them all. When he signed up for military service you were a little bit concerned that his new-found happiness and light-hearted feelings would suffer from it, from the changes and the new environments, wasting years of understanding and self-growth, but you’re glad to know it hasn’t gone that way.
It’s a mild autumn afternoon when he calls you. You’re looking at the beautiful scenery the city offers from the height of your newly bought apartment and you’re enjoying the nice weather after days of wind and rain.

“Changmin-ah!” he screams into the phone and you have to lower the volume cause the voice is so unnaturally high.

“Yunho?” you ask, “Why the heck are you yelling?”

“Something happened!” he screams again.

“You got discharged already?” you joke.

“No silly!” he replies, but waits some seconds before going on, as if weighting the words he’s about to say. His tone is still light, but a little bit more serious, when he speaks again.
“I met Jaejoong.”

“What?!” you exclaim, shocked, but excited at the same time. This was definitely something you hadn’t anticipated, but from the relaxed and easy-going tone of Yunho’s voice, you get it must have gone pretty well. “When? Where?” you ask then.

“Yesterday, at the Ground Force Festival. I was hosting and he was performing.” he explains.

And suddenly a conversation from some days ago flashes into your mind: Kyuhyun telling you he heard from the Super Junior members enlisted that they were going to perform with Jaejoong at a festival. He never mentioned Yunho and even though you knew he was gonna perform somewhere, it just didn’t cross your mind the idea that it could’ve been the same festival. And on top of that, subconsciously you probably thought that even though it could have been the same festival, the company would have never allowed a joint performance.
But somehow it happened, and you can’t believe that finally after so many years there’s some sort of hint of hope.

“How was it?” you ask then, trying to get what actually happened behind the public exhibition.

“It was good Changmin-ah.” and you swear you can see him smiling at that. “At first it was weird seeing him singing live when I haven’t heard his voice in so long, not even registered. But then it brought back familiar feelings, positive ones, and it was nice hearing the same old shades of his voice again so close.”

You let him talk without interrupting, knowing he probably needs someone to vent to. Someone who knows how much this day meant beyond public speculations and gossips, someone who understands completely the weight of this meeting after the past sufferance and regrets.

“Then we talked. Between the shows, under some tents, I don’t even know Changmin-ah, I was so focused on how close he was and how good he looked – you know, healthy good, not just good-looking good: he was fit, and positive, and you know, he had nothing to do with the posters we saw during all these years with his skin so thin you could see the bones and those sad hurt eyes. He was happy and…cheerful? He showed me his niece, this cute little girl named Seohyun who smiles just like him. And we talked about the military and training and music and how we are still the same stupid boys we were years ago.”

He chuckles a bit, reminiscing and you let him to.

“And later, we talked some more. About deeper stuff. About the past. He mentioned he saw you some years ago, you never told me that.” he says then.

You sigh a little and look over the scenery from your window.
“I know. It wasn’t a good time to bring him up. We were trying to go on and you were pretending to be ok. I mean you were ok, but you know” you gesture, even though you know he can’t see you “not over-Jaejoong ok.”
You remember how fragile he was back then, so unlike him, so much that a blow of wind a little too strong could’ve broken him. You smile seeing how much he has overcome now.

“It’s fine, Changmin-ah. I know you did it to protect me.” he laughs “Anyway, we talked things out, what happened, what didn’t happen, what could have happened and so on. He said he regrets breaking our bonds for five years but that he doesn’t regret leaving because for him it was the right thing to do at the time. And I agree, Changmin-ah. It’s no longer about the split, it never was. It’s about us – me, you and him – and about us two – me and him –; it’s about caring and hurting, it never was about the places or the money. And I told him I understood him. That even though I was hurt too, even though it wasn’t painful just for him, that we suffered too, I told him it was ok. That now we were ok, and maybe now it was the right time to happen. Because now we-I am ready to face it, to face him, while years ago I would’ve probably run away. And I don’t want to run away anymore”

“It’s good to hear you say that Yunho.”

“I wanna try to hold on to him.” he says then and it sends shivers through your body because yes you want to do so too and maybe after these years of break due to military service you will be really able to. “I want to bring him back in my life, even as a friend. I miss him. I miss the complicity we had when I didn’t even have to speak up to be understood, I miss being noticed the way he always did, I miss the hugs and the carefree laughs because sometimes I find myself thinking he was the only person I could really feel whole with, you know, feel free, not judged, it’s hard to explain, I’m not saying you judge me or my other friends do, I’m not saying I’m not comfortable with you, but with him it has always been different, I always felt so understood, you know.”

“It’s ok hyung, you don’t have to explain, you don’t have to justify yourself” you reply, “and it’s ok wanting him in your life again, however it is. I know now you’re ready, I know now you won’t break. It’s a good time Yunho.”

“Thank you Changmin-ah. I really wanted to share this with you.”

“It’s really good to hear it too. I’m glad you’re happy, I’m glad everything turned out fine for once. You both deserve it.”

“I’ll try to do my best not to waste this chance.” you hear him reply between the background noise of people calling him to get back.

“You definitely should.” you chuckle, a light feeling hovering over you, like a sign everything is gonna be alright from now on, everything is gonna fall back into place.

“I have to go now, the army is calling. Be well Changmin-ah, I will call you when I can!”

“Bye hyung, take care.”

You hang the phone and lie down on the grey sofa of the living room, arms crossed behind your head. You smile, it’s a good feeling the one you feel running through your body, pushing the bad vibes away and leaving you with a light heart and a mind free of thoughts.
 

***

With military service time starts to run faster, flying through the days and weeks and months, pushing the wheel of your life as if it was a spinning game, leaving up to fate – or casualty – the course of your life. It’s impressive how little time seems to matter and how in the blink of an eye you’re bowing in the middle of a street on a hot summer afternoon, saying goodbye to your colleagues in that blue uniform you had just started to like.
The first person you meet after that – beside family of course – is Yunho. Or better, Yunho meets you. He calls and shouts and congratulates you for your discharge on the phone while driving to your house and crashing on your sofa not even an hour after the release, all cheerful and smiling and disgustingly happy. You have missed him, you realise, serving some juice your mom made sure to stock in the fridge and crashing down beside him. Him and his never-ending energy and his words of encouragement always ready to support you. You haven’t missed his constructive critics though: sometimes you’re just fine with being imperfect and all.

“How are you Changmin-ah, it’s been so long, this hyung missed you.” Yunho says with his characteristic childish whine and a deep affection you recognize in the way he talks.

“It was good” you reply “sometimes harder, sometimes easier, but overall fine, nothing I couldn’t handle.” you joke.
You think back on the year and a half you spent in the Seoul metropolitan police department and you laugh reminiscing all that happened. The job, the people, the accidents, the surprises, somehow common normal life was so much more fun that you’d expected, and it was such a breath of fresh air you were almost tempted to continue it: give up the spotlights for a white police scoop. Yunho would’ve never forgiven you though, and neither would you. It was nice, though, playing Shim Changmin – the nobody, instead of the international idol fans all over the globe wished to meet.
But this last year was also special for another reason, something you told so few people, afraid the knowledge of it would make it more fragile, more difficult to preserve, more eager to crumble under the burning gazes and judgement of people.

“But there’s indeed something I need to tell you”

Yunho pushes himself up from the sofa in seconds and turns around so he’s facing you.

“What? Is it good news or bad news?” he asks suddenly “Don’t you dare to ruin this moment of peace you brat.” he jokes then,

“Good news, good news.” you immediately defend yourself.

You catch your breath and your eyes melt in Yunho’s dark ones, deep and understanding. You let the air out and with it your secret.

“I met someone.”

Yunho’s eyes double in size and his lips curve upwards, his mouth opening, in a smile so big you swear it takes up almost half his face
“You didn’t!” he screams, excited.

“Yes.” you reply, a smile folding your lips too.

“Tell me everything come on!” he incites then.

“I met her on one of our breaks. I was out with Siwon and I just met her and suddenly I couldn’t breathe and I though I need to get her number, or I’ll regret it all my life. So I did, and she smiled looking down scrabbling the numbers on a crumbled receipt I had in my pocket and when she gave it back she just said nice to meet you too Changmin with a sweet low voice and smiling eyes. You know, no Max Changmin, no TVXQ Changmin, just Changmin.”

“Yeah I get it, it’s really nice to be acknowledged as just yourself sometimes.”

“Yes. And you know the funny thing it’s that she actually knew who I was, but she didn’t say it at first ‘cause she didn’t want me to feel on edge. And that’s what made me fall completely for her I think: that attention to details, that validation of my feelings, that genuine care.”

It’s while you’re describing her that you come to a sudden realization, one you hadn’t realized while talking with other people, one that Yunho makes it so evident though. The realization that that care is something you feel so drown to, so inexplicably attracted to, because it’s something that you had already experienced and that after so much time of withdrawal has started to claim you back.
Yunho smiles behind his hazel eyes and you know he’s thinking the same thing because of the way his pupils have dilated, covered by a thin veil of unshed tears, revealing the most beautiful secret.

Jaejoong hangs in the air like a myth, like a ghost, like a feeling you’re scared to name because of how much real it seems.
When you were young, something more than a kid but not enough of a man, there were days in which you thought of Jaejoong and wondered what it would have been like to be loved by him. Jaejoong has always been like a magnet, you’ve always leaned to him because of the way it was so easy to be around him, to feel acknowledged, to feel appreciated, to feel truly someone beyond the façade you were showing the world. Jaejoong has always been genuine, a free spirit of love, and that’s exactly what you’ve been yearning for your whole life, what you’ve been unconsciously looking for: something genuine, something pure, something real.
While growing up with him, there were times you used to lay down on your bed and dream about finding someone that was as selflessly caring as he was. It had always scared you the way Jaejoong loved, without limits and without resentments.
You didn’t do it on purpose, but you realise you’ve always subconsciously compared your love experiences to him, as if seeing if the way you were being loved was enough – big enough, strong enough, deep enough. It never was in the end, but you don’t know if it was really your past partners’ faults or if your expectations were just too much, lost hopes built upon an ideal no one could match. Maybe that kind of love was something not everyone was allowed to feel either.
In the past, when love slipped away like water between your hands, you used to feel jealous of Yunho for having been able to experience it. Like, even though it ended up in ruins, he had a taste of what the feeling must have been like and even though he was left chasing it forever, at least now he knew what he was looking for. Whereas for most of your life you were looking for something you didn’t even know how to describe, and before she came into your life, like a thunder on a clear sky, you always felt something was missing, but you didn’t know what it was and when you didn’t get it – one failed relationship after the other – you were left longing with an inexplicable sense of emptiness.

Jaejoong and Yunho have been your role models for all your life. And suddenly now so much is clearer, so much finally connects. The way their hands intertwined so naturally – fingers searching for the others like the rings of a chain –, the way their bodies melted with one another – as if one’s lungs weren’t enough to breath, as if one’s heart didn’t know how to beat properly without the other near –, the way they smiled so secretly and exchanged furtive glances whenever they could: it all makes sense now. You’ve always been mesmerized by the love they shared, but you never fully understood it. Somehow the wild instinct that took over when they were near each other always came out as too insane, too crazy, too exaggerated to you: they were seeing each other every day, how come some hours of longing could have had such a desperate effect on them? But now you get it. Because even if you see her most days of the week – even more now that you don’t have schedule – you can’t get enough of it. It’s like an addiction you don’t know how to stop and honestly you don’t even want to.

It’s weird the realization that all your life you’ve been searching for a love like Jaejoong’s, something you only half-experienced, but at the same time you know that it is just the only possible answer. You were offered a glass of it when you were young and it was exquisite, but then, while trying to catch the rest of it, the bottle of cares crashed on the ground before you could save it and for so much time you were left picking up the pieces of broken glass, trying to put them back together. When you found that same loving bottle in a small cafè on a winter morning, it’s only natural you were drawn to it, you reason yourself. Jaejoong is not a bottle of wine, though, and she definitely isn’t either, but you smile thinking how much similar they are indeed: not for the wildness and craziness that has always characterized Jaejoong, but for his freedom and for the way he always cares. In that, they do mirrors themselves. And it’s good, you think, because this way maybe you’ll also feel Jaejoong closer. Jaejoong who has marked the beginning of a road you walk alone now, but that was so influenced by him you fill it deep in your veins. It’s like to finally draw the last part of a circle, pulling the two ends together. Jaejoong defined what love was for you. He didn’t do it consciously, but his constant care and attentions made it a fundamental element upon which built your relationships. It’s something you could never give up to and it’s not something easy to find either, that’s why when you caught a glimpse of it in her, you just couldn’t let go.

You wonder if Jaejoong will ever find love again. If Yunho will either.
You always thought it was fate, the sparkle within them, the incredible love they had between each other, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was just something random that just didn’t work out. It hurts to think it that way because it makes everything less magical, less incredible, and more real, more strikingly painful too. But maybe that’s exactly what it was: a roll of dices, a chance, a wrong bet.
Or maybe again, it just wasn’t the right time for them. Maybe they were indeed fated, but they were just caught up in the wrong moment.
You guess you’ll never know, or at least you’ll have to wait to see what time will hold for both of them. But whether it was fate of chance, what you’re sure of it’s that it was love. A deep kind of it, one of those that never fades out, no matter how hard you try. Because it is more than just romantic love, it’s a deep bond that connects people intimately and that goes beyond social connotations: it is a feeling, pure and simple, a need, a desire, the recurrent thought of knowing the other safe and sound.

In the meantime, you look at Yunho’s eyes that shine in the warm summer afternoon, probably because of the sun rays mirroring in them, enhancing the brown shades of his iris. And you think it’s wonderful: to love, to be loved, the magic that it does. You think it doesn’t matter if they will indeed go back together one day, if they will find love again apart; it doesn’t matter if or when you will find the strength and courage to meet again – the three of you – and face head-on the past with a smile on and no weight on your heart, because deep inside, despite the pain and the distance, you know neither of you ever stopped loving the others.
And that’s what matter.

[end of part three]

Author's note:
Thank you everyone if you've actually come to the end of this story. I hope you enjoyed them and if you have any thoughts at all, just let me know in the comments! I like to know what you liked, what you didn't like, where I can improve. This story came out so much different from what i had originally thought, but overall I'm quite satisfied with it. The end was difficult to write because I actually started to get kind of tired of it, but I really hope it doesn't show. There's actually one last part coming, a very very short one, it's more of an epilogue that a fourth part.
Take care!