April 2, 2017

Winter is coming, a line from a historical fantasy book and a series. It was a little cold in the morning, the reason to remember a catchy line I’ve watched for years.  It was a windy forenoon. The breeze was trying to attack me, I shivered and neared the brown coat I wore for this spring but still a cold morning. I welcomed the surrounding scenery before me. It was hard to see due to the amount of hazy fog but with closure and focus, you’ll see cold cobblestones laying with their specific engravement of the latter’s name; headstone quotes, and a date that must be remembered. I laid my eyes elsewhere and in front of me was a loved one's name was written in a classy manner.

With my eyes on her inscribed name, my mind left off to a distant memory. I was born into this world without having a silver spoon in my mouth and so did she. We did have food but every so often would it appear on the table. The light would twinkle and she used to say, “Seungwan, Jisoo, come here! Look, another star,” She would playfully tell wonders about the heavenly orb. Back then as a child, I thought of it as a sign of hope.

But, it was no hope.

Life was truly cruel and unfair. Wealthy people were at their highest point with no restriction to their wants while the needy worked for salvation. My father and mother did so for both of their beautiful daughters. They worked and worked until one reached a point of temptation, a desire to forsaken her life.

What did she think on the brink of death? Did she climb, encircling the rope in her neck, and thought of her daughters while doing the act? What did she tell to the god of death? “Not today, maybe.” Even though we have the consciousness to tell the difference between bad and good there is a stigma that made us move for what we desire to do. She did so and followed her mind not her heart.

“Hey.” Looking back, I saw a familiar young woman wearing her usual formal attire. She was the spitting image of our mother. Her white toned skin, a contagious smile, eyes that carried happiness when she twinkles in delight. She was a little chubbier and taller but all the same. “So, what brings a rich latter early in the morning?” 

“To see our mother and by any chance, see you.” Her hand held my right shoulder as she steps forward to see the tombstone that lays our loved one. “Kim Ga-Eul,” She read our mother’s name out loud followed by a deafening silence filled with thinking.

“I have always hated grandfather and grandmother for engraving our mother’s maiden name than using the family’s name.”

“Yes.”

She continued, “Father was so jealous of our affection towards mother." We then heartfully laughed as we remembered the adult sulking in the corner. One time, we had to coax him that we love them both equally.

We ended up enjoying another batch of ice cream while watching a heartbreaking series to make him forget about the argument. He ended up crying when the plot was a total lie. He was an adult but a child in heart.

"So, what will be my doctor older sister be doing afterward?" She asked and invited me for lunch. I wanted to join her however I have to meet a new patient that the executive asked me to take care.

"Not today, I'll be introduced to another patient later on. Ir-Irun.... Irene...? I was just visiting since mother's death anniversary is coming close and I don't know if I'll be coming that day."

"So, did grandmother send you to give a gist of her anger?” It was unbecoming to see her in here instead of sticking her nose at piles of paper between those white four walls.

“Indeed, her complaints were always brought to my ears.” Jisoo rubbed her ears irritated as if imagining the nagging elder or a secretary that kept pestering her about the notions. I hummed in agreement as she did have always fought for me and father's attention.

A cold air I felt, an atmosphere I'm very familiar with. "Seungwan unnie, grandmother and grandfather need you." As a touchy topic was brought in, I stared elsewhere than the overbearing eyes of my young blood. Her hands that were on my shoulder slowly crawled to my arms then to my hands with a gentle grip. "Mmm…"

"Stubborn as you may but we know that they need you. We both knew death and they'll eventually have theirs. Give them a chance, unnie? For me, please." Her body shifted to me. Her eyes were digging holes to my right. "No."

"Unnie..."

"No! How many times do I have to…" By the time I finished shouting that was when I just realized what I've done. It was the first time to shout to my beloved sister. Her eyes were also a sign of surprise towards the act.

We always fought but no violent reactions were involved.

"We're sisters. Why do you have to ing keep it as if you can manage all of that ?!" She returned the favor. I was in no place to reprimand the latter for her rudeness as I did deserve it because of my stubborn and prideful nature.

Letting her hand go, I tried to escape the talk especially because we were in front of a place where our mother could hear. But still didn't leave off the topic after I brushed it off.

We weren't in the cemetery anymore. We stand outside a black painted metal gate and on the empty road stood an expensive looking car that I assume was my sister's. "So, are you just going to leave? You'll run and think of the situation but will not even bat an eye?" She shouted with a hasty tone. I was on edge I felt it, the fast heartbeat I felt on my left chest, the quick inhale, white clouds slowly forming on my eyes.

She seems to detect it as well because those orbs of hers didn't show any anger anymore but concern and care. "Unnie... are you okay?" Seconds after, those gentle arms were wrapped around me with protectiveness.

"I'll be okay." My hands pushed her torso away from mine leaving an inches distance for me to breath. "Should I accompany you to the hospital?"

"No, I'll be fine. My car is right by the corner street." I informed but no words could change the worries of Jisoo.

Because of her unfaltering anxiety, I was now in charge of soothing the overthinking latter. "I'm a doctor myself I'll have my intuition to believe in. It's still not my time." With the statement filled with confidence, Jisoo returned to her gentle smiles. Ease to my mind, it was time to go. "I'll be going. We'll talk about this later."

"Yes, be safe driving." She waved off unexpectedly dismissing the topic like it never did happen. More likely, she was trying not to speak out her opinion once again for me.

It was hot currently not like the cold I felt then. The light that passed through the barely closed curtain almost touched the blanket covered person in the couch. It was a sign of waking up and a time for work.

The breathing under the white sheet on the bed was steady which meant she was dead sleepy after yesterday's event.

"I don't trust you." Words that kept ringing in my head while she fell asleep with no worries in mind. A sentence that brought an ache to my prideful heart, a straightforward statement.

Talking was all I am good at, that I can say honestly. I don't act with no consent. A statement like that is a big distrust to my capabilities. What was my use if she was directly saying that she doesn't trust me? A psychologist with no idea is a useless person to a patient.

Irene a person I knew for only three months was addressed as a human-hating being, a meek woman who continuously glare to anyone in sight. A mere touch from a stranger will send her ballistic and a shut down for a week. 

The first time I've ever graze my hand to her skin was when I was conflicted with her words. "I-I... I'll lend you my hands, next time." Captivated, was what I honestly felt with her smile on my mind as well.

I didn't notice the small bit curve at the end of my mouth and my eyes that showed a quarter moon in delight.

"You seem to think of something nice?" Irene who I thought to be asleep was now awake. She rubbed her eyes like a child that had just woke up and stunned I was at her appearance.

Her before well arranged silky hair was in a mess. The Johnny gown was on one side of her shoulder, it was wasn't large nor was it too tight. However, it did manage to get out from the other shoulder. Her white collarbone was all I can see. She did drop a single sweat that I watch as it falls neck to collarbone and underneath. Um... I should change the setting of the air conditioner.

I coughed at my own delusional thoughts and then spoke, "Nice?"

"Nothing." With a groggy attitude, she walks towards the restroom that had enough equipment for washing.

[......]

Along the way, her hands grasp and slide through her hair. The movement was the reason I held my breath for seconds until she was not in my sight anymore. What the ? 

I didn't have the time to process my reaction as the closed door opened and her chaotic hair was no longer in their former way. Her eyes were still asleep but manage to open them to see the blinding light from the window. "It's a nice morning." She didn't smile. But her breathing did tell she was having a pleasant start of the day as she heaved a long breath and sigh.

Her eyes then traced off to the empty vase on the circular wooden table. She did not mutter anything, thinking only. Without any intention to share those wonderful thoughts to her psychologist. Not sarcastic. "The nurse didn't set new flowers for today?" She finally spoke with curiosity in her tone.

"It's early in the morning, six o'clock? Who would put flowers in the vase at this time?" I answered.

"Mhmm... Then, who?" Her head flung right to left thinking of someone possible to do the act. It was funny in some ways especially knowing that it was actually me.

"Someone you can honestly trust," I look away and I saw in my peripheral vision her eyes that bore to my side. I know that she knew who I was talking about especially. "Mmm... That person seems like someone who really knows me. It was the reason why she sent me lilies to send her regards about my past."

Irene's tone left a bitter taste for me. 

The flowers that I thought was beautiful as it was surrounded by red typical roses making the white latter different from the others. It was the feeling of fascination that pushed me to pluck the enchanting bloom. There was no reason to indirectly berate the sadden with a single flower. No hidden agenda was put to a message of kindness.

"Oh, please! Though I do seem patient, for you to assume that I know everything about you is nonsense. I waited for you to say something, anything basically but at the other end, I just kept waiting."

What was I angry about? I have no reason to be this upset about someone who doesn't realize other's effort to wake up and think of her well-being whilst not by her side. I would still get paid with money as she stays here for days, months and even years.

Her movement became sluggish, a sign of softness breaking into her barriers. Her quibbling fierce eyes no longer fed off to her thought but the words that I hesitantly revealed.

The silence was always our favorite atmosphere. Nothing to say after a sense of doubt to each other was always the time to realize mistakes from what action we've done.

Irene felt guilty, enough to speak and let her fear at the back of her mind as she opened to utter unbelievable words of trust. "Li-Lilies was my favorite flower."