Night after night he walked the familiar path, jumped over small streams of clear and fresh water, wandered past a crocked tree, branches too thin to hold his adult weight, plucked a couple of blueberries or raspberries when he stumbled across them. It had taken him some time to rediscover the rout they used back then. A forest changes a lot in ten years. By now he had memorized it perfectly, even in the dimmed light after sunset, he easily found his way under large pine trees to the pond.

It looked smaller, reed and waterlilies having grown a lot, filling out from the sides, almost as if the forest was claiming the area, consuming the earlier so refreshing pond of water. Chanyeol guessed no one ever dared go there for swimming after what happened. It had never been a place for kids to hang out anyway, just to them, Baekhyun’s favourite spot.

Over the last couple of weeks, he had been out here every night, wishing for something, a sign, a white horse, a long-nosed troll, anything that could tell him to believe in the stories for real. Because then, if just a tiny part of the stories he had been told when he was a kid, were true, then he could picture his friend still being alive. Baekhyun could be walking around in another world, having a beautiful time under a pink sky, plucking tiny stars for breakfast with flowers braided into his golden hair.

Maybe he was in love with the creature that lured him under back then and maybe he sometimes took his time to remember his best friend, and his first kiss.

Somehow this felt much easier to deal with than the darker version of reality. A hulder having lured Baekhyun under meant Chanyeol was not the reason for his disappearing. Having caused his friend death was a cruel thought. Accident or not, he could have prevented it.

How many waterlilies were there out there? He vaguely remembered how he had counted them for hours back then. When his heart was shattered in tiny pieces and his lungs couldn’t hold any air, the white flowers had helped him focus. They were harder to count tonight, white petals folded for the night. It was still some time until the full moon would reach above the three tops to light up the ground enough for him to walk back home. Meanwhile he waited for nothing and everything.

Tomorrow he would bring his books, the final task before moving on. Tonight he counted lilies the best he could, adding one beautiful memory of his friend to each of them. His way of saying a final goodbye.

“I thought I’d find you here”

A soft voice startled him, made him jump with a silent scream. What the hell was she doing out here? It didn’t take him long to recognise her. Astrid, the new girl at the Byun-farm, his younger brother’s crush, was standing under a white birch. Chanyeol had seen her around, impossible to miss with those icy blue eyes and milky white skin. Her long blond hair sometimes braded, sometimes floating around her delicate face and narrow shoulders.

From Sehun he had learned how she was a relative of the Byun family. She had spent some time at the farm over the winter, working. And if talk between boys in the village were correct, she was looking for a husband. It wasn’t difficult to see why most boys blushed whenever she was around. She was stunning. Why was she out here searching for him, he didn’t understand.

Over the past ten years, Chanyeol had grown from a lanky teenager to a broad young man, and he knew he was popular among girls in the village. But not her. Chanyeol was not interested. He had promised Sehun to stay away and after all, his heart was not done with his past.

All this time, ten years, and he still remembered that one kiss. “Gender doesn’t matter when you kiss” Baekhyun’s word had haunted him ever since. His words and his lips.

“Hey you, it*s okay. I just want to talk a little” Her voice sweet and calming, wrapping him in, still giving him space to deal with her sudden presence. She didn’t step too close, just looked at him softly with her big blue eyes, alluring enough to drown in, if it wasn’t for the claws on his heart.

Chanyeol knew that she knew. Everyone knew about how he and Baekhyun had been the best friends and how Chanyeol had caused the accident. Still, her presence didn’t feel threatening at all.  

When he didn’t send her off, she made herself comfortable on the soft ground next to him, watching out over the dark pond where white waterlines slept peacefully. At sunrise tomorrow they would open up, spread their petals at the first rays of light.

A beautiful melody drifted over the dark water, soft notes hanging low over the surface like a morning fog. That girl had the voice of an angel and Chanyeol realized he’d happily listen to it all night. The darkness of his memories slowly faded as she kept singing, rings in the memory of the once so wavy water finally evening out.

“It’s not your fault. His family know you love him”

Chanyeol jumped at that. He had been lost in her melody, head filled with memories.

“He was my best friend, and I was the worst friend” he frowned.

“Baekhyun knows how to swim. He would’ve had to jump in eventually”

His brain wasn’t as fast as it used to, everything felt a bit like cotton, but he did catch up on the form of her verbs.

“What do you mean /know/?”  The memory was squeezing his heart again, anger starting to drip from it. He was here to find his peace, to finish this, not to let her stab him with old pictures from the back of his mind.

He studied her with sceptical eyes when she didn’t answer right away. Something was starting to tell Chanyeol this was wrong, he should not be here. The beautiful girl in front of him, who seemed to know everything, was starting to look too much alike his friend, he saw him in her eyes, in the beautiful smile, in the way she moved.

He missed him, so much!

It had taken him years to admit and to become certain he loved his friend. He fell for him back then and he still felt his heart belonged with Baekhyun. He loved him so much it hurt, loved him the way he was supposed to love the girls his parents wanted him to be with. Ten years had done nothing to dull the pain or the strong memories.

“How much would you give to get to see him again?”

 She was sitting closer, too close. Her voice dropped to a darker place that had him frozen in his spot. Astrid reached out for him, and he let her touch him, carefully resting a hand on his arm. The moon finally reached up above the treetops and rays of cold light sparkled in the white of the sleeping lilies

“I’ll let you think about it”

She held his shaky hands in her, gently her thumb over them to try calm him down. Chanyeol didn’t know when he started crying, but his whole body was shaking and this was all wrong. This was some weird dream messing with his head. He had to get up, he had to get home. He had to wake up.

A silky soft bundle of hair slid over his cheek, collecting salty tears he couldn’t hold back. Her voice was just as soft.

“He misses you”