Chapter 12

Secret Santa

 

It had been a long exhausting day for Seulgi’s wandering soul. Succumbing to Soo-Young’s wishes still felt like a childish game of peer pressure. She just had to get away from it for a while. Stepping into a nearby convenience store, Seulgi kept on musing things in her head. Without giving it a bit of thought, she grabbed two soju bottles and a huge packet of prawn crisps. At this point her body subconsciously gravitated toward alcohol whenever she felt stress taking over her. She knew she had to break this messed up cycle before anyone brands her an addict, but today was an especially unnerving day and she needed to find a way to numb herself from the anxiety creeping on her shoulders.

“Seulgi!”

The shop door opened the moment she was about to head out. Wendy had apparently followed her here without her noticing. “You’re buying soju?”

Seulgi grabbed her plastic bag of soju and prawn crisps and went over to meet Wendy at the glass door.

“Sorry, did you want to buy something?” Seulgi asked her.

“No…” Wendy fell silent. The sight of Seulgi holding to bottles of soju struck a strange chord in her. Is this what Seulgi went out for?

“Care for a drink then?” She wasn’t originally going to invite Wendy to her alcohol break (considering two soju bottles were definitely not enough to fill her), but not offering to share was often considered rude.

“No thanks. Not now at least.”

“Oh well.” Seulgi breathed a sigh of relief. More soju for me then.

Seulgi continued her way out and headed down a path that led even farther away from where they parked Soo-Young’s car.

“Hey, wait up!” Wendy followed after her. “Where are you going?”

Seulgi kept walking down the lit lakeside boardwalk. “I don’t know, Seungwan.”

As they kept walking for a minute or so, Seulgi found a wooden bench overlooking the lake. She cleared away some water droplets on the bench and plopped herself down, her breath puffing like smoke underneath the iron streetlamp. Wendy stood there, still wondering what in the world was going through Seulgi’s head at this moment. Seulgi glanced back at her.

Wendy awkwardly sat on the other edge of the bench with Seulgi’s bag of snacks and alcohol between them. Seulgi tore open her bag of prawn crisps and began munching. Wendy had no idea how to react.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Seulgi said while twisting the cap of one soju bottle. She tried to sound as nonchalant as possible but she wondered as to why Wendy had followed her here.

“Can’t we just do the drinking later when we get back to the vacation house?” Wendy asked.

It did not seem very considerate of everyone else to be snacking and drinking all alone, yet Seulgi ignored her. She put the green bottle against her lips and began to chug the bottle as if it was water. Wendy’s eyes grew wide.

“Seulgi!” Wendy slapped the hand holding the bottle. “What the hell?!”

Seulgi’s lips reluctantly parted with the bottle. “What?”

“Don’t drink it like that!”

“You’re not my mom.” Like an immature preteen Seulgi began to do exactly what she had been told not to, just to piss Wendy off.

“I said stop it—” Wendy slid closer to grab the bottle and Seulgi tried to stop her by swatting her with her free hand. They both looked like rowdy preschool kids physically fighting over toys. “Gimme it, Seul!”

“No!”

“I said give it—”

Seulgi raised her longer arms higher. Wendy stood up and Seulgi stood too. Then Wendy grabbed Seulgi by the shoulder and forcefully pushed down, both of them falling off balance back down on the bench Wendy straddling Seulgi with one leg. A loud clang was heard behind the bench. Seulgi realized she was no longer holding the bottle. She twisted her head back as a reaction to the sound before looking back to Wendy, whose body was uncomfortably on top of her.

“Get off me.”

Wendy who was panting with hair all over her face, slowly peeled herself off of Seulgi and stood up to straighten her clothes. Seulgi also stood to see where her soju bottle had fallen.

“Ugh, it spilt!”

“Look, I know you’re upset, but you can’t just drown your problems with alcohol. You and I both know what ugly things soju can do.” Wendy combed her hair with her fingers and sat back on her place on the bench. She straightened up her clothes, reclaiming her dignity as though she had rightfully won the match. “Also drinking soju too fast will send you to the ER.”

After picking up the bottle, Seulgi stood before Wendy and asked, “What are you doing here? If you’re just going to waste the food I paid for just leave. Please.”

“No,” Wendy said firmly. No way was she going to leave Seulgi alone now that she saw the chaos underneath the glossy hair and perfectly drawn cat eyeliner.

Seulgi shrugged and sat back on her seat. She sloppily gobbled more prawn crisps, ignoring Wendy as though she had already left.

“Your eating habits have gone worse,” Wendy commented as Seulgi continued eating.

“You’re still a self-righteous goody-two-shoes,” Seulgi mumbled with still crunching on the crisps. She knew Wendy meant well, but right now she did not want her to tell her the obvious. She was already fully aware of how messed up her life has become. “I already have Soo-Young on my case 24/7. Don’t be the same.”

Wendy looked toward the black lake. It was the same expression: the same way Joohyun used to watch the lake with sad longing eyes. However, this only lasted for a few seconds before she shook her head and faced Seulgi again. “What the heck is wrong with the two of you? Why are you both bickering all the time? Did something happen before I got here?”

“She’s unreasonable. Delusional. Don’t tell me you don’t think she’s crazy too. Time capsule, really? It’s all childish nonsense!”

“I think you’re both acting crazy. And if it makes you feel any better, I’m not particularly confident that we’ll find the time capsule either.”

“If you’re not here to look for the time capsule then why are you here?” Seulgi gave her an accusatory look. “We all know why I’m here. We all know why Soo-Young’s here. You haven’t told us anything about yourself other than being on vacation. Seriously, who in their right mind would want to have a vacation here? And don’t go on talking about some vague cause like getting over grief.”

“Don’t talk to me like you talk to Soo-Young. I’m not trying to pick a fight with you.”

Seulgi’s eyes rolled. “Says the girl who spilt my soju.”

Wendy held the bridge of her nose and pushed her fingers up to massage her forehead. Then she looked up to the sound of Seulgi munching on her crisps once again. “Look, I’m just trying to help, Seulgi.”

“Tch… I didn’t ask for it. Come back when I ask for it.”

 

 

Thirteen Years Ago: November 2005

“Whenever you need someone to look after Yeri again, you can count on me.”

Seungwan meant those words to be a thoughtful gesture. Maybe Joohyun did not have anyone to take care of Yeri sometimes. Maybe this struggling girl needed all the help she can get in raising a little sister. She was just a teenager after all. Fifteen is still young. Seungwan thought that if she could do anything to help out and lighten their burden, she would not hesitate.

Although this unnie had always been cold and unfriendly to her, today, under the dimming early-winter twilight, Joohyun finally smiled at her. It was not an awkward, undecipherable grin devoid of any personal feelings. No, she smiled with the warmth of the spring sun, the sweetness of the pinkish hue of cherry blossoms… It was a genuinely grateful smile. And it was beautiful.

“Thank you again… for making Yeri happy, Seungwan.”

Ah the rollercoaster of emotions this unnie puts everyone through… One moment they were trembling in fear and the next she smiles like an ethereal angel…

As Seungwan watched Joohyun and Yeri disappear into their house, Seungwan had promised herself one thing: I’m going to do all I can to help them out.

 

The following day, Seungwan sat on the floor by the side of her bed. It had been a few months since she moved to Yeonsan, and all through that time, she had diligently recorded everything in a diary. As she was rereading past entries, something caught her attention.

“…so Seulgi and I went to the junkyard to look for Soo-Young’s bike, but the only thing we saw there was this scary unnie dragging around a bag of soju bottles…”

It was the first time she ever met Joohyun. As she reread that very first account of Joohyun in her diary, she leaned back on her bed thinking about that day. Joohyun’s actions had always been an unsolvable riddle ever since day one. Why would she use her own hard-earned money to pay for Soo-Young’s bike when she barely got by on her own? It still made no sense. Nevertheless, coolness oozed out of her for being the ultimate tsundere Queen on that day.

“Seungwan! Can you go out to the store and buy some cooking oil?” called out her mother, interrupting her thoughts.

It was another cold and blustery November afternoon. As much as she would rather not step out in that pre-winter weather, Seungwan obeyed and quickly made her way to the store. Navigating the small store crowded with items, Seungwan tilted her head back and looked to the higher shelves before spotting what she needed. Reaching up on tiptoes, she finally grabbed a bottle of oil

“Seungwan?”

Seungwan knew that voice. Bringing her heels back to the floor, she glanced to the side and saw the person she had been thinking of earlier.

“Oh, hi, Joohyun Unnie!” Seungwan smiled at the sight of her.

“Errand?” she asked, pointing to the cooking oil that Seungwan was holding.

“Ah, yes. Where’s Yeri?”

“She’s at home.”

“Oh. Is everything okay at home?” Seungwan casually asked. “Yeri said something yesterday about lights not working.”

Like a candle flame dissipating into thin air, the warm look in Joohyun’s eyes vanished. Her right eyebrow twitched and the edges of her lips slightly curved down.

“You know, if you want, I can maybe ask my Dad to fix the lights for you. He’s not a professional, but he knows a thing or two…”

“You told your parents?!” Joohyun’s voice almost rose to a panic.

Realising that she crossed forbidden territory, Seungwan backed up and quickly shook her head. “No, no, no! I didn’t tell them anything. I just—”

Joohyun turned away and looked down on the ramen pack near her feet. “Yeri says a lot of things…” Then she picked it up. “Some of them may be silly, but some…” She sighed and turned to Seungwan again. “Whatever you think you know, please, Seungwan, don’t tell anyone.”

“Alright, I guess…,” Seungwan hesitantly agreed. “I just wanted to help...”

“Thanks for your concern, but you don’t need to worry about us.”

Seungwan’s heart sank. If that was what Joohyun wishes, maybe she should just comply. As much as her big-hearted personality cared and wanted to help, Joohyun’s life was none of her business. But what was so wrong about wanting to help though? Letting them be drove her mad worse than doing anything to relieve Joohyun’s load. Being an overly-caring worrywart did not help either.

Before Joohyun left, Wendy’s call stopped her. “Unnie, stay warm. It’s cold nowadays.”

Joohyun said nothing but gave her a wry, crooked smile. And with that, she turned her back on Wendy and left, just as she usually did.

 

***

 

“Mom, Dad?” 12-year-old Seungwan put down her chopsticks down the table during dinner time.

“Yes, Wannie?” her Dad asked after gulping down a spoonful of rice.

“I’m just wondering, what happens to children who don’t have parents?”

Her parents both stared at her, wondering why she was asking such a question. She just stared right back at them, waiting for their answer.

“Well, darling, technically, everyone has parents.” Her mother pushed the rim of her glasses up higher on her nose. “However, some of them are unwanted and those babies end up getting abandoned in places like under bridges, church doorsteps, police stations, and other places like that. Some children lose their parents through death and other causes, but statistically speaking, most orphans in our country are abandoned at a young age. Then they’ll be taken to orphanages.”

“Oh, that’s sad.” Seungwan pouted as she looked down on her bowl of rice.

“Yes, it is sad,” her father said, agreeing with her. Then he continued on a lighter note, “But if they get lucky, they might find themselves getting adopted by new parents and they’ll have a better life.”

“And if they don’t?”

“Well, they’ll have to stay in the orphanage until they turn 19. From then on they’ll have to leave the orphanage and live their adult life on their own.”

Later that night, she thought back on Joohyun and Yeri once again. Were they abandoned? But if they were, why are they still living in that house? Seungwan had so many unanswered questions. Whatever situation the Bae sisters were in, Seungwan felt compassion toward them. She felt compelled—not with the pride of a hero pretending to be noble, but with the tender sympathy of a caring heart—to help them someway, somehow.

 

Seungwan went to school still thinking about what she could do to help Joohyun and Yeri. She barely listened to the lessons, which was strange, since she always paid attention in class. When the bell rang for lunch break, she almost completely passed by Seulgi, who had recently recovered from her cold.

“Oh, Seulgi, you’re well,” Seungwan greeted her, but her thoughts continued wandering elsewhere. Good thing Seulgi was too dense to notice.

“Yeah! I’m glad I feel better,” Seulgi chuckled with her cheeky smile. “How have you been since I was out?”

Seungwan tried recollecting her thoughts. “Soo-Young and I played with Yeri some days ago.”

“Yeri? Really? Did you go hang out with her at their hideout?” Seulgi pulled out a milk carton from her backpack. She slightly felt bad that she missed out on things, but she was still glad that her friends got to have a good time.

“Hideout? You mean that house in the woods? Joohyun wanted us out of that place, remember?”

Seulgi tossed her head back remembering what happened before she fell sick. She hadn’t told anyone about spending time with Joohyun and Yeri in the forest because she caught a cold immediately afterwards. She then went into a long anecdote of what she did in the forest before she fell sick about a week ago while walking down the hall to their school cafeteria.

“It was cool. There were books and drawings and toys…” Sparkly-eyed Seulgi recounted everything she saw. “I was actually kinda jealous. I wish I had a hideout like that. I’d play there every day and stash all my snacks and chips in there!”

Seungwan forced a smile that went crooked and fell like a grimace. Oh Seulgi… She has no idea… Maybe Joohyun’s situation should not be something anyone should be jealous of…

“I’m glad you and Soo-Young are starting to get along with Joohyun and Yeri too. I guess my apology did wonders, ha-ha. Maybe today we can go back and play with them,” said Seulgi blithely.

“Seulgi, you just recovered from a cold. Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Seungwan wasn’t surprised that Seulgi wanted to go out and do something reckless again. With the temperature dropping each passing day, Seulgi should be looking out for her health more.

“Come on, Seungwan. I'm fine. When will we ever get to do anything fun?” Seulgi walked out of the classroom and stepped into the hallway. Seungwan followed. As much as she thought it was a terrible idea to be playing around in the forest, she knew Seulgi would go with or without her anyway. Also, she had to admit, she was curious about that hideout too. Then Seulgi continued, “Maybe we can have Soo-Young along too. It’ll be fun!”

 

That afternoon, Seulgi, Seungwan, and Soo-Young made their way to the hidden shack in the forest, despite the blustery winds and the dim grey skies. Only one of them was excited to go. The other two…

“Seulgi, are you sure about this?” Seungwan said, zipping up her jacket and tucking her hands into her warm pockets.

Oddly, Soo-Young was silent the whole time and simply trailed behind them. Did she even want to be there? Is she just as curious as I am? Seungwan wondered. It was strange seeing Soo-Young being quiet like that. After playing with Yeri a few days ago, it wouldn’t be surprising if Soo-Young had reconsidered her witch theory and developed even just a little bit of sympathy.

As they were nearing the clearing, Soo-Young stopped and looked up at the sky. “Guys, I think…”

Seulgi stopped walking too. “It’s snowing!”

When Seungwan looked up, she saw white flakes drifting down with the swirling wind. It was the first snow. The moment a flake of snow touched her shoulder, it melted immediately. The flakes fell like light feathers on the ground, but they melted immediately, saving no time for them to pile up. The three of them pulled up the hoods of their jackets and sweaters and continued walking.

When they got to the clearing, they saw the old cabin. Dead leaves and dust-like particles of snow swished and swirled with the wind as they walked toward the uninviting edifice. Seulgi lead the group and proceeded to knock on the dusty door.

“Hello? Joohyun Unnie? Yeri? Are you here?”

Nobody answered. The wind whistled louder. Seulgi tried twisting the door knob but it was locked

“Maybe they’re not here today.” Seungwan blew warm breath onto her freezing hands.

“That’s weird. I went at the exact same time as last time. I know they come here around this time…” Seulgi was definitely disappointed. It would have been fun to play under the snow with Yeri despite its inability to pile up at this point.

“It’s too cold to be staying here. You think that witch would be smarter than this,” said Soo-Young who was trembling with her arms crossed. (Okay maybe Soo-Young still thought of Joohyun as a witch.) Then she walked backward and looked over the house from top to bottom. “This place could not possibly have access to electricity or heating. She wouldn’t stay with her sister here, not in this weather.”

Soo-Young was right. Joohyun would be smarter than this. They most likely only come here during sunny days and in reasonably milder weather. Looking around, Seungwan noticed the tree stump near the cabin. When she walked over to the tree stump, she noticed that the cookie jar that used to be buried there was gone. Looks like they’re not going to be here for a while.

Seungwan then tugged at Seulgi’s arm. “We should head back. It’s getting colder.”

 

The three of them went back to their respective homes upon arriving at the street. After that cold wet outing, Seungwan prepared for herself some warm hot choco and wrapped herself with her thick quilt. I wonder… If somehow Joohyun Unnie and Yeri still play out in the forest despite the weather… or if their own house is warm enough… Seungwan wrapped her pale hands around the warmth of her mug. Outside the window, the falling snowflakes seemed to have gotten larger. The white flakes sped down diagonally with the direction of the wind.

What if they’re cold?

As she thought about it, her eyes wandered to a small packet amongst the mess of books and papers on her desk. The hot pack that Soo-Young bought on the day they played with Yeri had grown cold and hard. As she grabbed it to dump it in her trash bin, she thought, Hey, maybe this could work.

That evening after dinner, she pulled out her mother’s old baking recipes book and asked her for permission to use the oven and some other ingredients stocked in their house. Following the simplest recipe she could find, she began measuring flour and other baking ingredients and dumped them into a bowl. After mixing and rolling her dough, she placed her tray in the heated oven. I hope it turns out okay. I hope they like it!

The following morning, Seungwan got up at 6 a.m. with a Ziplock bag of sugar cookies that she made last night. It was still dark outside, but she went and ran to the store at the corner and bought two hot packs using her own pocket money. Then she walked right up to the Joohyun and Yeri’s house. With careful hands, she cleared away the thin layer of snow and placed her little gifts neatly on the ground right in front of their gate. I’m sure they’ll like it.

For the next few days, Seungwan used a portion of her own pocket money to buy cheap baking ingredients and hot packs. For at least two times a week, she woke up extra early to place her small gifts in front of Joohyun and Yeri’s gate. Whenever she got back from school in the afternoon, she would notice that her gifts would be gone—a sign that Joohyun and Yeri most likely would have received them. The more Seungwan did it, the giddier she felt every night while baking and every morning upon waking up. She never told her friends though. She knew Soo-Young would be absolutely against it, and she did not want to worry Seulgi about the concerning things she and Soo-Young heard about the Baes’ situation. It did not matter though. She was fully able to do it all by herself.

One day, while the three girls were eating together at the school cafeteria, Soo-Young snapped her fingers in front of Seungwan’s eyes, catching her drifting attention. She had noticed that something has been going on with Seungwan lately. “What are you thinking about?”

“What?” Seungwan dully stared back at Soo-Young.

“It’s like your body is here but your brain has gone off,” Soo-Young said with a glare. “You do it often nowadays.”

“Yeah, earlier, she received her quiz paper and got only one answer right,” Seulgi chuckled in amusement. “Say Seungwan, maybe you should be the one doubling up on your studies, not me.”

Seungwan blushed madly as she gripped her chopsticks tighter. “The answers weren’t wrong! I just made a mistake and wrote them on the wrong numbers in the answer sheet.”

“Yeah, so why are you so out of it?” Soo-Young’s asked, getting back to her original question. Her gaze pierced through Seungwan, as if she knew exactly what was up. “I can’t believe Seulgi has been rubbing off on you. You’re supposed to be the smart one here.”

“It was nothing. I made a mistake on the quiz, okay? I can’t be good in school all the time.”

“Been waking up early lately?” Soo-Young’s fingers drummed on the table.

Seungwan gulped. How did she know…?

“She’s early all the time, Soo-Young. Her parents drive her to school really early, but I think she’s not as smart as she thinks she is.” Seulgi then continued laughing, contented with her harmless round of teasing. Then she put her arm around Seungwan’s shoulder and said with a gentle side-hug, “Don’t worry, you don’t have to be smart all the time to be my friend, Seungwan.”

Seungwan groaned and pushed her annoyingly naïve friend away. “Seul, can you just drop it already…”

Before Soo-Young could ask more questions, the bell rang. However, her sharp gaze at Seungwan did not change. Seungwan’s heart pounded as she looked away and got up with her lunch tray. Oh shoot. Soo-Young knows what I’ve been doing, doesn’t she? But how…?

 

Weeks passed and December brought in shorter daylight and blankets of snow. One particularly frigid and dark morning, Seungwan prepared her gifts and headed out before the sun had risen. However, the moment she stepped out of their gate, her heart almost skipped a beat. Right there sitting on the pavement under the streetlight was Joohyun. Half of her face and her neck and shoulders were wrapped in a thick wool scarf; the rest of her petite frame was clothed in an oversized black parka that made her look like a black bird bent down on the frozen ground. When she noticed that she was not alone, she glanced toward Seungwan’s direction. Seungwan stopped in her tracks and quickly hid her Ziplock bag behind her back. Joohyun then stood up fixing her gaze at her.

Seungwan’s footsteps slowly brought herself toward the lone girl under the streetlight. “G-Good morning, Joohyun Unnie,” she stuttered nervously.

“You’re still in your pajamas,” Joohyun noted, her raven-like eyes looking down at Seungwan’s fuzzy Hamtaro-print pants with intrigue. Seungwan had only thrown her mint padded jacket on top of her pajamas before heading out.

“Ah yeah…”

“What’s that you got behind your back?” Her dark pupils suddenly shot straight into Seungwan’s eyes as if disregarding her fuzzy pajamas as nothing worth of any value anymore.

“Oh, n-nothing…”

“Really?” The girl did not once blink or break eye contact. A chill ran down Seungwan’s spine, raising goosebumps all over her body—a phenomenon that occurred completely unrelated to the frigid cold.

“Okay fine,” Seungwan dropped her hands to her side. Her two hands then presented Joohyun a bag of cookies and hot packs. “I was the one placing hot packs and cookies on your gate.”

“So it was you…” Joohyun’s breathy voice sounded like a whisper in the wind.

“Here, have it,” Seungwan held out her gifts, but Joohyun simply noticed it for a split second and immediately went back to staring into the other girl’s eyes. Seungwan stood there awkwardly with her arms stretched out for a few seconds, waiting for Joohyun to take it. Joohyun continued staring. So Seungwan repeated, “Please take it.”

“Seungwan.” Joohyun took a step closer and placed her hands on Seungwan’s hands, still not breaking eye contact. Then she said, “I told you. I told you not to worry about me.” Instead of taking the gift, Joohyun pushed Seungwan’s gift-bearing hands down. With a firm expression in her eyes, she said, “Stop doing this.” With a quick turn, Joohyun headed back toward the gate of her house, her dark hair swishing with the cold wind.

“B-but…,” Seungwan said dejectedly, still clutching the Ziplock bag with two hands. But I thought for sure they would like it…

Joohyun opened the gate and went inside, not once looking back.

 

 

October 2018

There’s no way. There’s no way I’m letting any of this get worse.

Wendy abruptly stood from the bench. “You know what? We’re going back to the vacation house right now. I can’t take both of your crap anymore.”

Seulgi looked up at her, still munching on her prawn crisps.

“The three of us are going to settle this at home once and for all. You wanna know why I’m here? I’m here for a reason, and it’s a long story. Now get up before I leave a bad rating on your family business and ask for a refund.”

Seulgi’s jaw dropped. “You’re not serious.”

“Oh, you bet I am. How’s this sound? 2.5 stars. ‘The manager is so bad at hospitality and kept arguing with the other tenant in the vacation house. If the place wasn’t so nicely furnished, I’d have given it a zero!’”

“You really want to upset my parents like that? Since when did you get so cruel?”

“LIFE IS CRUEL, SEULGI!” Wendy’s voice grew so loud, it echoed through the open area. “You weren’t the only one affected by this cruel world, so stop acting like you’re the only one having a horrible time here!”

Seulgi was about to make a comeback, but she noticed that there were droplets of tears on Wendy’s cheeks and held herself back from shouting back.

Then with a much calmer voice, Wendy snuffled and said, “Come on. Soo-Young is waiting in the car.”

 

 

Thirteen Years Ago: December 2005

As the solstice approached, everyone in school got more excited for the winter holidays. Each classroom was decorated with cut-outs of snowflakes the size of saucers and Santa-head crafts. Best of all was the huge pine tree outside the school building. Soo-Young had told her two friends all about it: the school had a tradition of wrapping its trunk with lights every December.

Amidst the jolly mood in the air, Seungwan became more and more distracted and lost in her thoughts as the days passed. Excuses like “school is just not easy sometimes” or “math isn’t as easy as before” did not seem convincing enough even for Seulgi. Although the new absent-minded Seungwan nagged less and cared less whether Seulgi wiped her dripping snot on her uniform or played video games all day in Soo-Young’s house, so she quite liked her much better.

One morning Seungwan arrived in school earlier than everyone else as usual. Since she arrived during the early moments of winter daybreak, she often saw the Christmas tree all lit up at dawn. The lights and the naturally piled up snow on the branches dressed the tree in a magnificent white and gold. Before making her way into the school building, Seungwan paused to admire the Christmas tree slowly dyed in orange by the rising winter sun.

As she stood there, something hard and crumbly hit her back. She fell over on the cold, wet ground and moaned in pain.

“Morning,” greeted the familiar voice of Park Soo-Young from behind her. It was too early in the morning and nobody else was there except the two of them.

Seungwan pushed herself back up and turned to see her tall, insensitive friend forming a snowball with her rosy red fingers. Soo-Young had done plenty of irritating things, but this was the first time she had physically hurt her, intentional or not.

“That snowball hurt,” Seungwan said, making sure to let her know.

“Yeah, I know,” Soo-Young nonchalantly responded.

“Thanks for the apology,” Seungwan sarcastically said in astonishment at Soo-Young’s audacity to cause pain for no reason.

“You’re an idiot. Thought you'd be smarter.” Soo-Young then aimed for Seungwan and threw another snowball at her.

“Ow!” The second one hit her shoulder, but it wasn’t as strong as the first one. “What’d you do that for?!”

“I just hit you? Aren’t you going to fight back?” Soo-Young yelled back.

“Are you taunting me?”

“Am I?”

Seungwan ran to the nearest pile of snow shoveled to the sides of the grounds and formed a tennis-ball sized ammunition to throw back at Soo-Young as revenge. She lobbed the snowball high in the air and fell weakly a few feet away from her target. She missed.

“Loser,” Soo-Young scoffed. She then headed into the school building with an exasperated Seungwan running after her.

“Hey Park Soo-Young! Did you just come around early to criticize my snowball throwing skills or what?!”

“See, here’s your problem,” Soo-Young said in a matter-of-fact tone as they entered the locker area where they can change into their school shoes.

“What problem?” Seungwan asked between pants.

“Why are you still friends with me? I’m not very nice to you, am I?” Soo-Young unlocked her shoe locker and pulled out her school shoes.

Seungwan’s frown got worse and her brows furrowed into an even angrier face. “What are you talking about? Of course we’re friends. You think some stupid snowball fight is going to change that?”

“Exactly. So why did you stop leaving those witches gifts?”

Seungwan stood still as she watched Soo-Young put on her shoes. “So you knew. But how?”

“You think you’re the only one who wakes up early?” Soo-Young turned to her after finishing putting on her shoes. “I’ve seen you through my bedroom window.”

“S-she told me to stop. Joohyun Unnie, I mean.”

“Look. Nothing ever stopped you or Seulgi Unnie from getting back my bike even when I shunned you both away back then. What makes this situation any different?”

Seungwan could not believe what she was hearing. “Are you saying that I keep doing it?”

“I’m saying she’s an ungrateful witch. If I were you, I’d cut her off and stop bothering. But I’m not you, and you’re not me, aren’t you?”

 

The previous afternoon, Soo-Young had gone alone to the one place she would be sure she could find that tactless freak of a neighbor. Soo-Young had had enough of seeing Seungwan be so preoccupied about the stupidest things. Going out at daybreak and placing things in front of the creepy house like some offering... Seungwan went all out for some folks she barely even knew, and it made no sense to Soo-Young at all. Yeah, being a saint is great and all... but this ungrateful freak... Soo-Young could not believe it herself—feeling bad for the lack of thanks that Seungwan received for her efforts made a little sense as Seungwan's philanthropic actions. Soo-Young wasn't even involved, yet she felt worse than when her own bicycle got stolen. Maybe it was about time she intervened and did something about it. There in that brand new Chinese restaurant downtown, she managed to corner that witch—Bae Joohyun. Normally, Soo-Young would never willingly confront this weirdo on her own, but she knew she had to do it for Seungwan.

“Can I speak to you?” Soo-Young sounded hostile—something she could not help whenever she had to interact with Joohyun at all. Then she said in a lower voice, “Privately?”

The two of them walked out to an alley beside the restaurant building. Joohyun said nothing but anticipated whatever Soo-Young was about to say.

“You need to apologize to Seungwan.”

Joohyun’s eyes bore into Soo-Young as though she was trying to pierce through her soul. She did not say anything.

“Did you hear what I said?!” Soo-Young said, feeling her blood pressure rise as if the cold silence and Joohyun’s expressionless face had slapped her in the face. “She was nice to you and you didn’t even thank her. Do you know that she thinks of you all the time? That she cares about you and your stupid sister? I don’t know who else in the world would bother to care that much about you. Consider yourself lucky! She finds satisfaction in being nice to you, and I won’t let you ruin her by your horrible, thankless attitude.”

 

 

October 2018

After what seemed like forever of waiting in the car, Wendy finally came back with Seulgi. Seulgi opened the front seat door and got in without a single word; Soo-Young in turn did not say anything either and simply turned the car engine back on. Soo-Young noticed that Seulgi was slightly clumsier than normal—having trouble strapping her seatbelt, accidentally hitting the window switch with her elbow… Also, the there was a slight hint of soju smell coming from her.

“Right, let’s go back to the vacation house, guys,” Wendy said from the seat behind them. "We can just have food delivered there."

Not wanting to comment on the drunk girl beside her, Soo-Young released the breaks and the three of them drove back home without speaking to each other.

When they got back home, they were all quite tired and hungry. Seulgi sat on the living room floor with her head back against one of the cushiony armchairs; Soo-Young threw herself on the long couch and lay there sprawled for while; Wendy sat on an empty armchair scrolling through a food delivery app.

“Pizza?”Wendy asked, breaking the oddly peaceful silence.

“Yes.” Seulgi and Soo-Young said in unison.

The three of them sat together in silence as they waited for their pizza to arrive. Nobody wanted to talk further about today's events lest they puncture each other's sensitive bubbles and start another round of passive-aggressive quarrelling. They no longer had the energy for that.

When the two large pizzas arrived with two six-pack beer cans, Seulgi’s lazy head shot up and her sleepy eyes lit up with life once again. Soo-Young got up from the sofa and suddenly it seemed like her sour mood slowly floated off away from her.

“Have your fill. It’s my treat,” said Wendy as she neatly opened the pizza boxes on the living room coffee table.

Seulgi quickly reached for a beer can and a pepperoni slice. “Mmm… this is the stuff.”

Soo-Young slid down to the floor and drank a bit of beer. “Ahh… refreshing… Thanks, Seungwan Unnie.”

“You’re welcome,” then she stood over them saying, “Okay, now I want you both to get along and stop fighting or I’m moving out to a different inn and I’m not going to help you find the time capsule.”

“What?” Seulgi and Soo-Young almost spit out their beer.

“Don’t be mean to my parents—”

“Don’t you dare abandon our childhood—”

“Okay, you both can stop arguing and live happily together and you don’t have to worry about that,” Wendy said as she sat on the floor to eat.

Seulgi and Soo-Young shot each other a glare before surrendering to a truce.

“Okay fine.”

“Deal.”

“Good!”

“So are you ever going to tell us about why you’re here?” Seulgi asked Wendy with full of mozzarella.

Without getting into too much details, Wendy finally began in an emotionless tone, “I’m studying to be an emergency physician.”

“And you’re here because?” Soo-Young leaned closer as if to hear better.

Wendy went straight to the point. “Every time I see a nearly-dying patient I associate them with Joohyun Unnie. A therapist told me that I subconsciously do this because I have unresolved grief over Joohyun Unnie, and that I have to find a way to resolve them.”

The other two did not know how to respond to that. They both looked like they lost their appetite.

“And your shrink—I mean—therapist told you to come here?” Soo-Young asked skeptically, almost as though scoffing at the idea of having a psychotherapist.

“She thinks it might help to revisit the past and to stop avoiding it.”

“Well, I guess you can’t escape from it by being here at all. Maybe therapy isn’t so bad after all,” Soo-Young said, shooting Seulgi another beady-eyed glare. Seulgi looked uncomfortable, but continued silently eating her pizza.

“You should try it sometime,” Wendy suggested, despite Soo-Young’s skepticism.

“Oh trust me, I’ve been going to therapy for years.” It was a response Wendy did not expect from Soo-Young. “My father got me a therapist ever since my parents divorced.”

“Your parents divorced?” Seulgi had no idea. Now that she looked back on it, she never remembered ever seeing Soo-Young’s parents despite playing in her house often.

“My parents divorced months after Joohyun Unnie died,” Soo-Young said in her usual nonchalant manner of speaking.

“And my parents were the lawyers who handled their divorce,” Wendy said, remembering what happened ten years ago.

“Oh… What’s that like for you?” Seulgi asked Soo-Young. She could never imagine her beloved parents getting separated ever in her life.

“Lived with my dad. He remarried a few years later. Haven’t seen my mother and brother ever since.” Soo-Young took her beer can and drank. “My father’s rich, of course, so nobody believes that I was miserable. Not even the damn shrink he paid to talk to me.”

Seulgi sipped on her beer, feeling sorry for not knowing or remembering what her two best friends had gone through in the past years. She can go on about how miserable she was in Europe, but she wasn’t—not completely. She had the time of her life out there—or that was what she would like to think.

A bunch of beer cans and couple of pizza slices later, the three girls sat down on the floor half-tipsy and half sleepy. Seungwan leaned peacefully on one armchair with her eyes closed as she listened to Seulgi and Soo-Young goofily giggling at each other as if they had forgotten their petty arguments earlier today.

“Seulgi Unnie, you’re sooo drunk…”

“Huh… as if you ain’ as drunk as I am… and I had more drinks than you did…”

For a while, Seulgi and Soo-Young’s conversation died out and replaced by an entirely different conversation all together.

“Shall we start? What’s bothering you?” The voice of a woman spoke in English amidst the buzzing of a wind fan.

“For a long time, I always wanted to be a doctor to help the sick and save lives, but lately I’m not quite sure if I can become a doctor,” Wendy’s dejected voice replied.

There before her, she could see the image of her med school counselor nodding in sympathy. Although it seemed she had heard those words countless times before. “And why is that? Your records show otherwise. If you keep up what you’re doing now it seems nothing will stop you from being the doctor you always wanted to be.”

“No, I’m not afraid I won’t make it. I’m afraid of what will happen to me if I do make it.”

“Can you elaborate on that? What are you afraid of and why?”

Wendy talked about her experience in the ER. “Since then I’ve been anxious. What if I make a mistake and a person’s precious life is on the line? I’m scared.”

“Wendy, I see that you’re scared because you genuinely value the lives that people have been given. That’s a good sign that you’re on the right path. That’s what you’re here for, right? I think a person like you is going to be a great doctor. A lot of people do it for the money—I mean, like with all other careers, it is a business after all, but people like you are truly needed in this field.”

“You think so?”

“Yes. And it is normal to feel shaken upon seeing the tragedies that happen, especially in the emergency room. Seeing death happen right in front of you is never easy. But you have to accept that things like this happen all the time. Sometimes, there are some things that doctors and nurses and medics cannot do. However, whatever we can do—whatever you can do—you can do the best you can.”

The lump in was too painful to swallow. She wanted it gone. She would do anything to rid herself of this weight. Yet she continued choking in it.

“But… what if… my best isn’t enough?” Wendy almost could not enounce those words. “For making the wrong judgment… I don’t think I can forgive myself. Ever.”

 

Then Seulgi hiccupped loudly and stabbed a fist to her chest. Out of energy, Seulgi leaned her head on the cushiony chair behind her and stared past the ceiling. Wendy opened her sober eyes and observed Seulgi. Seulgi was clearly had the most alcohol among the three of them. Soo-Young only finished two cans of beer while Wendy only finished one. Seulgi’s giggly drunk self calmed to a still trance as she watched invisible images and scenes float around on the ceiling. Soo-Young watched her with her droopy eyelids barely having the strength to stay open.

“There they are again…,” Seulgi slurred vaguely. “I always wonder why everything… gets so vivid like this… when I’m drunk… It’s so weird… I hate it yet somehow, I don’t… They only seem bearable when I’m drunk… They sure aren't great when I dream about them... Oh but when I'm drunk I don't panic or feel anxious as much... no matter how awful...”

“What the hell are ya talking ‘bout…?” Soo-Young asked. Despite being slightly tipsy, she was still thinking clearly.

Seulgi pulled her head upright and her hazy eyes dropped down on a left-over pizza slice. “I’m so ashamed of myself…” Then she managed to meet Soo-Young’s eyes and say, “I’m sorry… to you… to Seungwan… to Yeri… and… to Joohyun Unnie.” Slowly tears started dripping from her eyes.

“What are you saying…?” Soo-Young asked, her voice also strangely emotional. Wendy did nothing but observe the two of them.

“I saw her get hit… then she was lying on the ground… It was sooo awful…”

Soo-Young sat herself upright and leaned forward as if that would make Seulgi sober. “What do you mean you saw her lying on the ground?”

“I never, ever wanted to remember… Sometimes I miss Europe… but I guess you can’t have everything…” Seulgi’s head fell back against the chair again. “I could have stopped it from happening…”

Seungwan watched as Soo-Young sat there in silence with a look of sympathy in her eyes, as Seulgi blankly stared at the ceiling with tears streaming from her eyes. Seungwan knew, just as she knew it in herself to be true: they were all thinking the same thing.

“I could have stopped it from happening.”

Whatever Seulgi saw, young Seungwan easily could have seen more. Seungwan was the first one to piece together everything. She was the one who figured out Joohyun’s situation. She could have stopped it all from happening… so that Seulgi need not ever see whatever she saw… so that she need not ever see what she had seen at the hospital ER ten years ago…

“Well, that’s too bad,” Soo-Young said harshly. “’Cause it already happened…”

 

 

Thirteen Years Ago: December 2005

On the cold morning of the solstice, Seungwan went out to fetch the contents of their mailbox. After pulling out each envelope, she quickly headed back into the house to avoid the stinging cold. Placing down the messy pile of envelopes on their living room sofa, she started sifting through them, looking for the unpaid bills that her mother had been waiting to receive.

“Gas bill, electricity bill, phone bill… check…” Seungwan separated those from the pile and sifted through the rest. “Restaurant fliers… Ooh! Christmas cards from Aunty in Canada!” She put aside the advertisement fliers and admired the postcard of Lake Ontario from her aunt before continuing on to the last letter in the pile.

“Oh, what’s this?”

The last white envelope in had the characters “Son Seung Wan” neatly written on it. There were no stamps or addresses and it did not say who it was from. Seungwan quickly opened the envelope and pulled out the folded piece of torn notebook stationery inside it. She unfolded the paper to see the same neat, blocky handwriting.

 

To Seungwan.

I’m writing this to thank you for the cookies and hot packs you had gifted us the past weeks. Yeri loved them. Clearly you bake very well.

I know I told you to stop worrying about us, and I do mean it. I know oftentimes I come across as a scary witch… Your friend Soo-Young thinks so, and I understand where she’s coming from. However, I want you to know that your efforts of helping us brought warmth to us. It’s the thought that counts. We truly did appreciate your kindness. Thank you. Just know that I’m not trying to shun you away because I don’t like you. Think of it as me worrying about you too. You’re wonderful, brilliant, and a warm heart to top all of that. I only wish the best for you.

I’ll try my best to act with grace from here on. I hope you’ll continue to show your warmth to my sister too. She likes you and Seulgi and Soo-Young very much.

Merry Christmas. I hope you spend it well with your parents.

Thank you again.

 

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