CHAPTER 10

Princess Yeri

“This is what you call rebellion? You’re so pathetic, Yerim Noona.”

It was past sunset. Despite the encroaching darkness, the remnants of twilight left by the lost sun and the small dots of lights far on the other side of the plain painted a calming evening scenery. There at the hilltop of historical burial mounds, two youthful silhouettes stood overlooking the vast view.

“What do you want me to do? Smoke cigarettes with you?” The girl twirled her purple umbrella and with one quick swipe, used it to clear off the extra raindrops on the stone information tablet beside one of the smaller burial mounds. Taking out a newspaper roll from her tote bag, she then laid it out on the stone and comfortably sat on it. The younger boy accompanying her groaned and rolled his eyes. Then he handed her a plastic bag. Seeing him display an attitude, she quickly snatched the plastic bag and said, “You’re calling me pathetic, but you’re the one serving me like a stupid slave. Who exactly is pathetic here?” Then she pointed to the space on her side. “Sit down. Eat with me.”

Slowly and as carefully as possible, her pretty fingers picked at the purplish paper-thin sweet potato skin. After nicely peeling it halfway, she handed the sweet potato to the boy who sat beside her. “Eat up, Haechan.”

“Great, it’s all cold now,” he complained.

“Why don’t you use your stupid cigarette lighter to heat it up?!” she said in an annoyed tone.

“I told you, I’m sorry, okay?!” He glared at her and just took a bite out of the sweet potato anyway. “And I don’t smoke! I haven’t tried since then!”

She was never friends with him. She never had friends. The only reason they stuck around each other was a common misfortune: they were both expelled from high school. By the legal age of 20 (in Korean age), Kim Yerim should have been a university student by now, but she still hasn’t graduated high school. She was never the most agreeable student, despite being considered as one of the prettiest girls in high school. Too bad people look at her and all they see was a tragedy. Pretty, but not a good student. Pretty, but got expelled from high school. Pretty, but whatever other negative reason. And this boy she as with? It was a similar story, but bad boys were often given more slack for the dumbest reasons.

So, why were they expelled exactly? Other than the bad grades and the terrible attitude, they were caught smoking cigarettes in school and was charged with attempted arson—sort of, but not really. It was that one day during spring exam week after Yerim had ingeniously, purposely chose all the wrong answers in a multiple-choice exam—just to prove a point (but we’ll talk about that later). After the exam, she headed to one of the high school’s emergency exits—the one that led to the lakeside forest. Upon sneaking out of the emergency exit, she saw this bloke at the side of the school building, having trouble lighting up a cigarette. She could tell he was inexperienced and had never smoked before.

“You moron! What the hell are you doing?!” she had slapped his hand to stop him while he was trying to burn the tip of his cigarette with the flame from his Zippo lighter. The lighter flew sideways and fell… on a pile of dead, easily flammable leaves gathered by the roots of a huge tree. While they argued, a fire began to burn until they had to stop arguing and start trying to put out the fire. Moments later, chaos ensued. The huge tree near the school was burning and firefighters came to put it out. Now Yeri and her acquaintance (or slave?) were both jobless and still rejected by the only high school in town.

Thereafter, Kim Yerim had been doing whatever, getting in trouble with her older cousin, Kim Taeyeon, the Xiah Dragon Noodles manager. She had stolen her credit card and had been using it on PC games and swanky meals. Oddly, she did return it sometimes (like when the card exceeded its limit). Taeyeon has tried reprimanding her countless times, but Yeri was just too callous to care and always runs off before Taeyeon could do anything about it. After ditching Taeyeon at the PC café earlier, she had hidden again in another part of town and even managed to get Haechan to bring her some sweet potatoes. That was why they were here at the hilltop of historical mounds overlooking the farming fields. Taeyeon probably wouldn’t think to look for them there at such a recluse area. She could have gone to her hideout deep in the woods, but with the recent rain, the forest was a little harder to access.

As they were eating their sweet potatoes, Yeri had taken out a book from her tote bag. It was a murder mystery novel—one of her favourite genres. Using the flashlight from her phone, she began to read in the dark.

“You’re so bad at this,” Haechan scoffed.

She glared at him. “Bad at what?”

“I mean this whole rebel thing doesn’t fit you at all. You go all the way out here and you read a book?”

“I can do whatever I want.” She had always been a bookworm. There was always this emptiness that bothered her whenever she didn’t have a book with her. Even after playing video games all day, she still reached for her books like some dependence—like an addiction. And it did not even matter what book it was—she read everything—even those difficult college textbooks that even professors found difficult to understand. She has even stolen books from libraries and book stores. In other words, for a “bad student,” she was extremely book smart. How else would she be able to purposely get all the answers wrong in a multiple-choice quiz unless she knew exactly what the correct answers were?

“If you like books so much, why don’t you go back to school?” He wasn’t asking because he was curious; he just wanted to piss her off.

Kim Yerim was full of contradictions: she was smart, but she purposely failed her exams. She always went around acting like she never cared about anyone or anything, but she did not want this younger boy to acquire a smoking habit. Nothing about her made any sense.

“I don’t want to, okay? Is that a good enough answer for you?” After finishing her evening snack, she threw the last bit of sweet potato skin into the plastic bag. Then she went into a full rant, “What’s the point? Nowadays, students in school study to get good grades, and not for knowledge’s sake—not even for learning’s sake. They study because their parents tell them to, so they can get good grades; so they can get into university; so they can get a job; so they can earn money; so they can spend it and gain things that won’t matter once they’re dead! So, what’s the point in school, really? Everything leads to one end, and all these humans walk around pretending like they don’t know what that is!”

“Alright, chill, girl.” Haechan scooted a little bit on his seat to give her distance.

Then Yerim yelled one last question at the unresponsive night sky. “What the hell am I still doing here?!”

“If you hate this place so much, why don’t you just leave?” Haechan asked her. Again, this was simply to provoke her; not because he was actually curious about her answer.

Yeri looked up at the dark starless sky. “I don’t know.”

Thirteen Years Ago: October 2005

“I think it’s time to go home.” Those words always sounded so sharp—almost like shards of broken glass breaking and cutting through soft skin. Home.

Seven-year-old Yeri pouted and looked down on her Squirtle plushie. Nothing sounded more disappointing than another day ending. She was having so much fun with this new Bear unnie friend. Why did her older sister have to cut it short?

“It’s already 5,” her older sister said. “We need to get home before sunset.”

“But I’m still playing with Bear Unnie!” She wasn’t as naïve as most older people thought. She knew that if she begged hard enough, her sister would eventually oblige. Sometimes it worked; most times it didn’t, but she knew enough to try.

While she was making a scrunched up disappointed face and hoping her sister might feel sorry for her again, she felt a bigger hand touch hers. It was Seulgi’s slim, warm hand. “Yeri, we can play while walking home together. I live in the house beside yours!”

Seeing that she had no other choice, Yeri finally obliged. She got up and walked home with these two unnies.

This was something new. Usually, she only walked with Joohyun home. Now Seulgi was here too, walking with them. It was nice. Though raised by a very anti-social older sister, Yeri was born with a love for others’ company. Although she didn’t know Seulgi well, she already decided that Seulgi was a nice trustworthy person—just like Seungwan. She liked them both. And right now, with Seulgi here with her, she felt this unexplainable happiness.

“She really is energetic, isn’t she?” Seulgi said as she watched Yeri go.

Throughout that walk home, Yeri skipped over rocks and ran down grassy slopes without holding her older sister’s hand. It was her way of showing that she could be independent. But she never rushed. She went at her own pace. Joohyun always told her to be careful. She knew that Joohyun was always worried about her, so she never went close to the edge of the cliffs unless her sister was holding onto her. Despite what Joohyun had told Seulgi earlier, Yeri was never a reckless child. Energetic, yes, but never reckless enough to hurt herself.

So how did she get that scar?

“Look, it’s so pretty!” Yeri exclaimed while looking out toward the lake. The sky had been dyed a warm red with blotches of greyish, purplish clouds slowly dispersing with the winds. The sun was getting ready to say goodbye—a very beautiful time of farewell.

“Yeah, it’s so pretty, isn’t it?” Joohyun stopped and looked at the sky with her. Seulgi joined them too.

Looking up at Seulgi, Yeri then said, “Joohyun Unnie likes the sky and the lake.”

It was true. Her Joohyun Unnie always had this fascination over the sky and the lakeside view. It was when she was sitting by the lakeside and doing nothing but simply admiring the view that Joohyun seemed the calmest. It was like she was at a different level of peace, like she was transported to a different world. Yet there was also a hint of sadness. But Yeri knew that whenever Joohyun looked at the lake, she wasn’t sad—not really. Even that sadness was a “sadness” that Joohyun somehow enjoyed. She called it “nostalgia.” “Nostalgia” reminded Joohyun of her mother and all the happy memories she had of her. But Yeri could not understand it despite Joohyun’s attempts on explaining it to her. What exactly is a mother? Yeri has not a single memory of her mother to even fathom the concept of having a mother, much less even feel nostalgia over past memories of her.

“Oh yeah!” Seulgi suddenly rummaged through her backpack and pulled out this black, bulky device.

“What’s that? A camera?” Joohyun asked.

“Wait…” After peeking through something in the device, Seulgi pressed a button, and a clicking sound followed. Soon, a small photograph was printed from the device. Moments later, as they continued walking, the image began to appear on the polaroid photograph.

Upon laying eyes on the photo, Joohyun’s face lit up with a smile. “Oh, wow, that’s not bad.” It was like she had forgotten how she had just told Seulgi to leave them alone earlier.

“I want to see!” Yeri pulled at her sister’s sweater until Joohyun showed it to her. It was a picture of the sunset. To Yeri, it wasn’t that impressive. The real live sunset was still so much prettier. The camera could not capture the colours as beautifully, and those ugly rotting remains of lotus plants sticking out of the water look like scary shadow gremlins in that particular photograph. Yeri did not understand Joohyun’s fascination with it, but at least she was happy with it. Joohyun kept looking at it and looking out to the real sunset again as if she was comparing the amateur's photograph to the real thing.

“You can have it, Unnie,” Seulgi told Joohyun.

“Really?” Joohyun sounded the most ecstatic at that moment. Yeri could tell that her sister was so touched. It was a little weird to see her this genuinely happy over something that wasn’t even that great. (Well, to seven-year-old Yeri the photograph really wasn’t that great.) But at least she was smiling. Joohyun did not smile at other people often so it was nice to see her like this. Yeri always liked it when her sister smiled.

“Unnie, why do you keep cookies in a tree stump?” Seulgi asked as they continued walking along the path home.

“A tree stump? I don’t keep cookies in a tree stump…” She seemed just as confused as Seulgi was about this question.

“Cookies are treasure!” Yeri answered for her. “Joohyun Unnie said in a story that pirates bury treasure! So I buried my treasure there!”

Joohyun liked telling Yeri stories. Of course, those stories were bound to have some sort of influence on her.

“You buried cookies in a tree stump?! When?!” The shock in Joohyun’s voice was evident. Her naturally soft voice grew about ten times louder.

“I hid them when unnie wasn’t looking the other day,” Yeri said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I also put in the key you gave me.”

“Yeri, that key is precious! You need to keep it safe, not bury it! Is that why Seulgi and the other’s found it?!”

“Yeah,” Seulgi chuckled. “So it was Yeri who buried them?”

“I buried the key because it’s precious!” Yeri tried arguing in her own childish seven-year-old sassiness.

“Ugh… Yeri!” the frustrated older sister yelled. “What else have you been burying?!”

When they made it back to their little street, Seulgi stopped at the small gate of the flowery house.

“You live here?” Yeri asked, rather surprised. She absolutely loved that house. It had so many pretty flowers. Who wouldn’t want to live there?

“Yeah. Visit me some time?” Bear Unnie’s face had this very sweet, flowery aura to her, just like the house she lived in. Also, she was just like Seungwan when Seungwan talked to little Yeri and told her to come play with her. They were both so nice. They weren’t as old as teenage Joohyun either, so they seemed a lot more like friends to her even though they had a 5-year .

“Yes!”

With the promise of seeing each other again, Yeri bid Seulgi goodbye and entered the rusty old gate into their house. She was a little sad that the day had gone by already, but at least it was a good day. If only it lasted longer…

Seeing that Yeri’s energy had dipped after the gates were closed, her older sister lightly poked her bubbly cheek. “Yeri?”

Looking up, she met her older sister’s sweet gaze. In contrast to what she had displayed in her anger the other day, Joohyun’s gaze was not harsh, nor did it show worry. It was not a look of ambiguity or mystery. Rather, those pretty brown eyes comforted Yeri as if they whispered “everything will be alright” over and over. And though they may whisper an even softer “sorry,” Yeri understood that Joohyun gave her this look because she cared. It was a gaze of affection. Every time her sister looked at her like this, she felt this warmth deep in her heart, like all the love in the world was being wrapped around her. Being with Joohyun all the time, she knew that Joohyun never looked at anyone else this way. It was a special look that her sweet sister saved for her. Only for her.

“Did you have fun today?” Joohyun asked her.

“Yes.”

Joohyun gave her a shy grin. “Let’s get dinner ready.”

Ignoring the scattered soju bottles and beer cans on their front doorstep, Joohyun unlocked the door to their house and went inside. As usual, it was dark. Flicking the light switch on, the dim fluorescent light flashed and flickered. Seconds later, the flickering settled, but the light was still dim. It had been faulty for as long as Yeri lived there. At least it provided a little bit of light.

The small living room was a mess—dirty plastic bowls on the low dining table, a couple more beer cans and spilt liquid on the floor—but then again, the two girls ignored it. Despite being desensitized to the mess of this house, Yeri never liked this place, but she learned not to complain because Joohyun never complained either.

“Yeri, why don’t you take a shower while Unnie cleans up and prepares dinner?”

Yeri obeyed without question. The child then took off her clothes and headed into the bathroom without closing the door. The lightbulb in the bathroom has been dead for a long time, so she took a shower using the dim living room light. She could bring light into the bathroom and close the door, but Joohyun—overprotective as she was—wanted to be able to see her while she was playing with water just to be safe and to make sure she was washing herself properly. Oftentimes Yeri still had trouble rinsing off shampoo and needed help.

While Yeri showered, Joohyun began dumping the plastic bowls and beer cans and other garbage into a trash bag without complaints. She picked it all up within a few minutes and began mopping the floor with a rag before Yeri could even soap her entire body. After cleaning up the living room within five minutes, Joohyun began washing the few dishes stacked in the sink. She knew how to clean up quickly and efficiently. She was a pro at this job. But then again, this teenager worked part-time at a restaurant picking up and cleaning up after others.

After cleaning, Joohyun began boiling water in a pot and took out two packs of ramen. She also chopped some vegetables and placed it in the boiling water. While waiting for the ramen to cook, Joohyun went to help Yeri rinse and dry herself. She also prepared Yeri’s pyjamas and helped her dress up. After all the preparations were done, the two sisters sat on the living room floor and silently ate their ramen.

As Joohyun lifelessly stared at nothing while slowly chewing her noodles, Yeri called out to her. “Unnie?”

Like snapping out of a trance, Joohyun’s shoulders jumped and her eyelids pulled up higher. “Yes?”

Yeri did not say anything; she just giggled. That childish high-pitched laugh resonated through the dimly-lit room. It was contagious. Soon, Joohyun was chuckling too.

“Why are you laughing?” Joohyun asked, laughing along for no reason.

“Hehe, nothing…” The two of them continued giggling and for those few moments, the room seemed so much brighter.

Since they lived together for as long as she could remember, Yeri knew that Joohyun often drifted off during quiet moments. She never wondered why; she assumed that her sister was just like that. During those moments, Joohyun often seemed like she was far away—like she was so far lost in thought. But Yeri knew how to bring her back. She just had to call her and do something silly, and her sister would be back to give her attention in a heartbeat.

Joohyun leaned against the low table and reached out her hand to tap Yeri’s tiny nose. “You little rascal.”

“Watch this, Unnie!” Yeri then lifted her bowl and positioned it against her lips. “I can finish all the soup!”

While the little kid was showing off, Joohyun’s eyes curved up to the shape of crescents as she looked at Yeri with that loving, motherly gaze. When Yeri finished her bowl, Joohyun smiled even wider and said, “Wow, good job. Do you want more?”

Yeri noticed that Joohyun still hasn’t finished her bowl.

“Here.” Joohyun lifted and twirled some noodles using her chopsticks and transferred them into Yeri’s bowl. She also poured some of her soup for Yeri.

“Yay!”

Once dinner was finished, Joohyun began washing the dishes again and made Yeri brush her teeth. Later after Joohyun had finished taking out the trash and readying herself for bed, she took out a key from her pocket and inserted it into the lock of a door that was partly covered by a huge wooden cupboard. Beyond that door was a smaller room. Using a flashlight to illuminate the room, she found a black switch dangling by a wire on the wall and switched it on. Immediately, the room was lit up by a cute flower-shaped wall lamp with a soft orange light that was strong enough to illuminate the small enclosed space. Unlike the rest of the house, this room was neat and tidy. Opening the big wardrobe cabinet that took up a fourth of the room space, Joohyun pulled out one electric heating mat and a big fluffy sleeping mat. She also took out two pillows and laid them on the floor.

“Wee!” Yeri ran into the room and fell flat on the cushioned floor. Getting up, she took one of the pillows and gave it a tight hug. “Mmm… it smells nice!” The pillows and the sheets always smelled nice. The newly washed clothes also smelled really nice. Sometimes, she would open the wardrobe just to get a whiff of that pleasant flowery scent. This was the only part of their house that she liked.

After switching off the dim living room light, Joohyun joined Yeri in the small room and closed the door. Then she pressed the small button on the knob with her thumb, locking the door once again. Although it was barely 9 p.m., Joohyun began to yawn lengthy yawns. She then lay beside Yeri on the floor and held the polaroid photograph before her face. For a while, Yeri just watched sister stare at the photograph. Joohyun had this tired, yet somewhat happily satisfied look as she stared at the polaroid. Again, Yeri wasn’t sure why Joohyun liked it so much. After staring at the photo, Joohyun put it under her pillow and closed her eyes.

Yeri, who was still very much awake, snuggled closer to her sister and lightly pinched her sister’s cheek. “Joohyun Unnie…”

“Hm…?” Joohyun’s eyebrows jerked up but her eyes remained closed.

“Joohyun Unnie,” Yeri repeated.

“What?” She spoke but her eyes were still closed.

“Joohyun Unnie.”

“Yes, Bae Yeri, what do you want?” Her eyes were still closed.

To solve this problem, Yeri then crawled on top of her and tried pry open her sister’s eyes with her small fingers. “Unnie, wake up!”

“Ugh, what?!” Joohyun swatted Yeri’s hand off her face and pushed her to the side to get her off of her. Yeri really got her attention now.

In a soft, shy voice, Yeri then said, “Can you tell me a bedtime story?”

Although Joohyun was irked by Yeri’s annoying attempt to open her eyes, she immediately got over it and just sighed with a nod. “Alright.”

Yeri quickly lay back down and snuggled close to her sister, who had just positioned herself to lie on her side so she could see Yeri better.

“A long, long time ago,” Joohyun began in a soft, soothing voice. “There once was a Princess named Bae Yeri.”

Yeri giggled. She loved hearing the soft breathy voice of her sister more than anything. Just like her sister’s lovely gaze, her voice was like a bubble of comfort enclosing all around her. Her whispers reminded her that she was safe—that nobody was going to ever harm her as long as Joohyun was still breathing.

“Princess Yeri lived far away… Far beyond the lakeside. Far in this wonderful, magical kingdom.” With a gentle hand, Joohyun tenderly caressed Yeri’s forehead and ran her fingers through the fine strands of her dark hair. Then she hovered her hand above Yeri’s eyes, making her closer them. “Close your eyes, Yeri. Imagine it.”

Yeri closed her eyes tightly. However, when Joohyun lifted her hand off of Yeri, the kid tried to peek with one eye. Seeing that she was cheating, Joohyun playfully tapped Yeri’s eyebrow. “Nope, you have to close your eyes,” she said with a chuckle.

When Yeri finally obeyed, Joohyun held her closer to her chest and lightly kissed her forehead. Yeri liked it when her older sister cuddled her. Joohyun’s touch was feather-like and was even gentler than the mountain breeze; her hugs were warmer than the thickest winter blanket. She knew her sister would never hurt her. Her sister will always love her, and she loved her too. She loved her Joohyun Unnie very much. It was the closest to a mother’s love she could ever receive. And maybe she needed not to know of such a concept, for Joohyun already gave her everything and more.

“The kingdom wasn’t the biggest, and not everyone knew of it, but it was the prettiest place any princess could ever wish for. It was hidden deep in the forest, but it wasn’t dark. The warm rays of sunlight always seeped through as a blessing from heaven. The streams and stones colourfully sparked under the light. The songs of singing birds made everyone cheerful. The flowers bloomed beautifully all throughout the year, and the cold, bad winter never came.

“Princess Yeri lived in the castle at the center of that kingdom. In the castle, the rooms were painted bright colours—pink, yellow, and orange… She had lots of friends and toys… Every time she was hungry, a huge buffet of dessert was laid out for her in the castle. There were cakes, cupcakes, candies, milkshakes, ice cream…”

“And cookies?” Yeri said in her little voice while her eyes were still closed.

“Ah, yes. There were lots of cookies too,” Joohyun chuckled. “She was always happy, always smiling, and nothing ever made her sad…”

***

“Yeri, wake up.”

There was a light tapping of a hand on her lap. Her eyelids fluttered open, and a yawn escaped from .

“Yeri,” she heard her sister repeat her name.

The room was dark, and the flower wall-lamp was switched off. But if her older sister was waking her up like this, then that only meant one thing—it was morning. Somewhere in the middle of Joohyun’s fairytale, she had fallen asleep, and before she knew it, it was already a new day. It did not seem like morning though. Usually, it was difficult to tell the time in their house because all the windows were shut and covered with heavy, dark curtains.

When she stepped out into their living room again, it was the same old scene: the living room that Joohyun had tidied up yesterday night was once again a mess—as if she never cleaned it in the first place. The beer cans, the leftover food, the soju bottles… But the two girls ignored it as if it was something that happened all the time because it did happen all the time. Someone else lived in this house, and he was the one who was causing this mess. To Yeri, he was nothing but a scary monster. However, Joohyun wasn’t afraid of him. So as long as Joohyun was with her, she never had to fear him either. Thank goodness he only came around when they were already fast asleep so Yeri rarely ever saw him.

Since Yeri was still half-asleep, Joohyun dragged her to the bathroom and washed her. After dressing Yeri up and tying her hair, Joohyun also readied herself and dressed in her middle school uniform. By then it was already 8 a.m. Leaving the mess in their living room, the two girls quickly headed out to begin their day.

“Aw Seungwan Unnie isn’t here,” Yeri said as she walked with Joohyun down their street.

“She usually leaves earlier in the morning,” Joohyun told her. Just like Park Soo-Young, Joohyun seemed to know a lot about the people in town too, even the newer neighbours who just arrived months ago.

“Hmph…” Yeri sulked as she stared at the blue gate of Wendy’s house. Although Seungwan promised to play with her, she still had not fulfilled that promise. “Can I play with her and Bear Unnie again?”

“Um…,” Joohyun looked straight ahead until they reached the fork in the road at the end of the street. She seemed to be thinking about it. This was a good sign. If Joohyun was even thinking about her request that meant she might get what she wanted. She knew her sister was always thoughtful like that. Joohyun may say no a thousand times until one day she would give in. Just like the pretty flower-shaped wall-lamp in their hidden room. Joohyun had told her for the longest time that she wasn't going to buy it, but she eventually did. Yesterday, Joohyun had also told Seulgi to leave, but she eventually allowed Seulgi to play anyway. She was a fickle, indecisive unnie sometimes. “You really want to play with them?”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!”

“Why?”

“I just want to. They’re fun.” Yeri never had other kids to play with except Joohyun. So when Seulgi played with her yesterday, she was extra happy. Yeri was a very friendly kid; it’s too bad she did not have a lot of chances to make more friends up until that point.

“You think Seulgi and Seungwan are fun?”

“Yeah!”

After turning left at the end of the street, Yeri suddenly exclaimed, “Unnie! Cookies!” Every time she passed by the small store at the end of their street, she always wanted to buy snacks. 

“You still have some at the hideout.” Joohyun pulled at her sister’s hand and held it tighter to keep her shorter legs from slowing down and getting distracted by junk food. This time, Joohyun did not even take time to think; she immediately shut down the idea of buying more cookies.

“But we haven’t had breakfast,” Yeri whined. As much as Yeri loved cookies, her older sister did not always treat her to all the processed sugar she wanted. It was only in those imaginary fairytales that she could get a whole castle filled with sweets. There wasn’t a genie or a fairy godmother would magically provide her with all the cookies she wanted either.

“You can eat when we get to the restaurant.”

“But I don’t like noodles!”

“What do you mean? We just had ramen noodles last night and you ate a lot! You always said that Taeyeon Unnie’s noodles are the best!”

Every weekday, Joohyun and Yeri took the bus all the way downtown to their cousins’ place. Yeri loved riding cars; she loved sight-seeing even though there was nothing much to see in town except for a few low buildings and vast rice fields. Whenever she saw something interesting, she would giggle and point and tell her old sister all about it.

However, whenever that ride ended, the smile on her face immediately would turn into a sour scowl. She knew that the moment she stepped out of that bus her sister would have to leave her. Joohyun would leave her, and she wouldn’t see her for hours. To a young child who adored no one and clung to no one but her older sister, this was never a pleasant experience.

Why does unnie have to go to school? Why does unnie have to leave me? Why can’t we go together?

“Unnie needs to study. You can’t come with me. Middle school is for older girls and boys.” Seven-year-old Yeri never could understand. Unfortunately, she had to deal with it. Though the world may be too sophisticated for a young growing child, that still gave her no pass in submitting to its complicated ways. Everyone needed to follow rules whether they understood them or not.

“Come on, Yeri.” Upon landing on the concrete sidewalk, Joohyun would often lightly play with her soft cheeks to get her to smile again. “Smile, for me? Okay?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No. I hate you,” the kid furled her brows and crossed her arms to look like she was furious.

“I don’t hate you,” her sister often told her whenever she was giving her an attitude. “I’ll be back later and we can go to the hideout and eat cookies later.”

Although she was still not done displaying her anger at her older sister, Joohyun dragged her into the restaurant anyway. She wanted to make a fuss and refuse, but she knew that this was the time when nothing she did could ever change her sister’s mind. Joohyun Unnie had to go to school during weekdays; there was no way out of it. And although Yeri had never been to school, she hated it already. Anything that took her sister away from her was bad in her opinion.

When they entered the restaurant, they saw their cousin Kibum sitting at one of the tables. He immediately waved a hand at them with this big bright grin on his face. Just like Joohyun, he was also wearing his middle-school uniform. They went to the same middle school—the only middle school in town. “Good morning! Hi Joohyun! Hi Yeri!”

“Where’s Taeyeon Unnie?” Joohyun asked. Kibum pointed to the wide-open office door and there they spotted their older cousin Taeyeon doing some paperwork.

“Oh, hello, children,” Taeyeon pulled down the glasses sitting on her nose and greeted in a slightly old- fashioned manner. She acted more like an aunt than a cousin to them, even though her baby face made her look like a teenager (and a female version of Key, but she was already in her twenties though). Then she eyed Joohyun and asked, “Headin’ off to school, huh?”

“Yes,” Joohyun said timidly. She may act like she always called the shots whenever it was just her and Yeri, but when there were other people, she was quieter and spoke in hushed tones.

Looking at the wall clock on the left wall of the room, Taeyeon said, “You better go on ahead then.” After that, she stood up and said to Yeri, “So, what should Taeyeon Unnie do with you today?” At this point her voice that turned into that of a weirdly funny kindergarten teacher. Yeri wasn’t amused though. She did not say anything and just hid behind Joohyun’s legs. Joohyun stepped to the side though and lightly pushed Yeri to keep her from hiding.

“Please take good care of Yeri,” said Joohyun.

“Of course. As always.” Taeyeon nodded and patted Yeri’s head. Yeri looked up at the two unnies and frowned.

“We goin’?” Kibum had slung his bag on his shoulder, also ready to get going.

When Joohyun went with Kibum to the restaurant entrance, Yeri sulked along and followed them there. After waving a final goodbye, Joohyun had left for school. Now Yeri was all alone with Taeyeon.

Crouching down to meet her eye level, Taeyeon asked her, “So, are you hungry? Should I cook something for you? Noodles?”

“No.”

Taeyeon shook her head and sighed. Then she began to talk to her like she would talk to an older person. “You still don’t like me very much do you? Sorry, I guess I can be boring sometimes. But you gotta be an adult and work and be boring to earn money, you know?”

Yeri didn’t respond. She was too young to care about that stuff.

“Ugh, what am I talking about, of course, you don’t know…”

It wasn’t that Yeri didn’t like Taeyeon or noodles. Taeyeon was always nice (though sometimes quite odd) and her noodles were a hundred times better than the simple instant ramen Joohyun usually made. Yeri’s problem was that she did not want Joohyun to leave her. Every time Joohyun left, she felt lost. Whenever Joohyun was gone, she could not wait to see her again. Why does unnie have to leave me? It was always difficult. She wanted to be with Joohyun all the time, but that was not always possible. At times like this, the only person around to deal with a very frustrated and upset child was none other than Taeyeon. So, yes, Yeri never hated Taeyeon, but she always ended up taking out all her frustrations on her.

“Your sister is one hell of an extraordinary human being, you know that?” Taeyeon continued rambling at her. “Even in your situation, she’s so strong and she works really hard. She’s really one of a kind.” The she lightly patted Yeri’s head again. “I hope things get better for both of you. You kids deserve better.”

October 2018

Yes, her sister was one extraordinary human being. Bae Joohyun was extraordinarily difficult to comprehend, even for a teenager. Nothing about her was easy to forget. In fact, the more Yeri tried to leave this town and forget her past, the more difficult it was to let go. "Why don't you just leave?" It's easier said than done.

It was the same mind-boggling question she had to live with every single day:

Why?

Why didn’t she just leave?

Why did she have to die?

“I guess we all have toxic situations we can’t easily run away from,” said Yeri. “I’m just like my sister. I’m a coward. She’s a coward. The world is a horrible place, and she left me here all alone. Now I have nothing.”

“Tch,” Haechan scoffed. “Yeah, I get it. You’ve got this horrible past and that’s why you’re acting this way. But your sister’s death got you to a better place and into a better family—your cousins. Can’t you stop and think how much better off you are now?”

“My past is not horrible as you think,” she said. Then she stood up and picked up her umbrella lying on the ground.

It was because she was with me. Joohyun Unnie was with me. That was enough to make me happy. Now she’s gone, and there’s no way I can be better off now.