The sun sets earlier in winter.

A layer of white carefully draped over the entire city, the lakes and rivers frozen and the wind occasionally bone-chilling cold. Even when they’re tucked in 3 layers of clothing and the only thing left visible is their eyes, their hands carelessly intertwined and kept in Hyukjae’s pocket when they are out of sight of the public. Donghae is always too cold and never warm enough, and Hyukjae thinks of coming up with an excuse no one will believe should they be caught walking down the streets with his arm wrapped around his shoulder. The sun setting against the backdrop of Seoul’s landscape surprisingly brings about warm memories of summer, of drinking red wine by the Han River, legs crossed and sitting from each other too far apart than they would have desired and yet too close to be viewed as ordinary.

Now the seasons have changed, but the way the sun shines still tickles their skin all the same.

Perhaps, Hyukjae thinks, it’s because the same person is still there right by his side. The dissipating glare of the setting sun leaves Donghae’s face with an odd orange illuminate, and his eyes just a little wetter than usual. He watches the sun set with the same childish delight as he did years ago, back in the days where his hair was long enough to tickle his neck. Hyukjae looks at the way his lips twist up at their edges as he marvels at the wonders of the world, and Hyukjae thinks of how beautiful the man next to him is. Sure, without the studio lights and layers and layers of beauty product splashed onto their faces, it’s easy to realise that time hasn’t exactly been gentle on them. After all, years of hectic schedules they’ve grown to view as chasing their dreams have to have its effect somewhere. Maybe it’s in the way their body now aches after a night of performance, or the way they would rather enjoy a night-in accompanied by popcorn and movies than to be out socialising.

Hyukjae realizes right in this moment, if he hasn’t already before, that this is how he wants the rest of his life to be. He wants to spend it next to the boy who is a little more than sensitive, whose eyes hold the world’s stories, and whose mere existence makes his persona carefully crafted for the media’s flashing lights peel away, leaving behind an 18 year old boy with a gummy smile too wide for the world.

So he makes a stupid remark about the way the sun sets whatsoever, just to get him to blush and laugh. There’s just something about the way he can get his heart going. But Donghae’s smile is still as gentle, and the way his eyes crinkles when he throws his head back to laugh at his dumb joke for a little too long still sets his heart racing the same way it did 14 years ago.

They sit in silence as the sun sinks beyond the horizon, patiently awaiting to be enveloped by darkness. He thinks that there’s something ironic about this, because he used to be so afraid of the dark he would struggle to fall asleep, yet now he doubts he can live without it. He chuckles to himself lightly.

“What?” Donghae turns, drawn to his laughter. He smiles, and even though the question is left unanswered, he knows Donghae knows whatever he is thinking. Darkness used to take away from him every ounce of bravery a little teenager could muster, yet now it fills him with courage unimaginable. Donghae smiles back, and his fingernails dig into his palm as he fights the urge to lean in.

And just like this, sometimes the sadness sets in at unexpected timings.

Even when the boy next to him stares at him with as much love and adoration he could manage, his fingers tapping lightly on his legs. Because he sees his jaw clenching, however lightly it may be, and Hyukjae knows that he too is waiting for the night to come completely so that no one will be there to notice that their hands would be interlocked and their lips too close to be whispering. The skyscrapers are reflected on the surface of the frozen Han River, and he can still hear the whirring of cars as they drive by. It’s a clear reminder that they never are truly alone, and that fact itself wouldn’t have hurt as much, if he knew that the world would accept them as they are.

As always, reality is harsh and crushing.

South Korea wants to know Eunhyuk, but they don’t need Hyukjae. They barely acknowledge the existence of Hyukjae, yet it wouldn’t take a genius to imagine the frenzy he would send the industry and his company into should they find out that the only part where Eunhyuk and Hyukjae overlaps is when it comes to Donghae and how much they both love him.

Eunhyuk is full of charm and flirtatious, coy looks, always up for some fun but never one to settle. But Hyukjae has fallen in love some 10 years back, and every time he takes off the designer clothing and expensive makeup, Eunhyuk transforms right back into Hyukjae and they both come to the realization that yes, they both love Donghae, and not in an innocent childlike way they did when they first became friends.

It was the selfish type of love, sometimes ugly, yet always beautiful. Sometimes, even the synthetically dolled-up Eunhyuk can’t hide his soft spot for Donghae. Even when the camera is right in their faces, Eunhyuk still wants to reach out for Donghae and that is exactly what he does, much to the dismay of the other member