Actually, I really like you. 

We were meant to say goodbye. I thought to myself as I took a heavy breath, trying to calm myself down, trying to convince myself that I don't have to get hurt, so the tears would stop falling. But it didn't. Somehow we find ourselves in this loop of love, hurt and regret. We keep trying to get out of it, but always end up meeting at the edges. Breaking apart, only to mend the strings once more. I know he didn't mean to come, but tonight was one of his twilights, and the guy has zero self control. I smiled bitterly. How can I get you out of my head? 

I walked slowly to my room just so I can get my mind to think about something else, to forget that I left him at the porch again, probably still standing there despite the cold night. I focused on my footsteps, one foot in front of the other, as quiet as possible until I reach my room. I lay down on my already messy bed thinking about sleep but I keep staring at the ceiling, afraid of what I'll see once I finally close my eyes. 

I'm afraid of a lot of things. I remember how fear almost made lose the chance to be with him. Thinking about it now, I wish that I never took the chance. Because I'm even more afraid now. Both afraid of losing him and afraid to be with him. I wish I had left things at hello, back when our hearts were at ease, back when we can never hurt each other. Back when to me, he was still B.I and not Hanbin. I wished he remained as that guy from iKON, a random person in the same stage that I was, just another person under the same moon. But he didn't. He became the happiness I didn't knew I needed, all by himself. 

I shifted sidewards, careful not to wake the others. The quiet night suddenly reminded of his eyes, the ones that looked empty to me, like it holds nothing but an endless space. His eyes don't focus and it seems to me that he's always looking for something so far away. I told him about this one time, when we were out with friends having barbeque and drinks, he said it was because of his lack of sleep and told me they were days that he doesn't sleep at all. "I have to make music" he said "from the very beginning, this was the only way I could protect them. " 

From that moment, I became careful around him. I won't take his calls, I would purposely reply late to his messages, when we would see each other I'll look at him - in his general direction, that is. It's because I'm falling for him, so I must not get closer. How can I? When they are people he needs to protect, when he's been through so much and sacrificed too much to be where he is now - to live his dream. Sometimes, when I see them performing, enjoying the stage, having fun amidst the screams of people supporting them - I ask myself, how can I take this away from him? I don't want to place him in a situation where he has to pick between me and his career. Because he won't choose himself, that's how selfless he is. So I avoided him, just so I can stop myself from wanting more or to stop him from feeling the same way I feel, but I guess love is really stupid. Because it took one look, one hello to break all the walls I've built with an anxious heart or maybe because the time was passing rather quickly and I was afraid all that we were would be meaningless, that our feelings would falter, that maybe tomorrow he would be with someone else. Yes, I am selfish. I am not like him. Maybe that's why I needed him. 

"Hey." he said, hands in his pocket. It's Kim Hanbin in front of my apartment, looking at me directly. 

"Hey." I called back. It's been weeks since we last saw each other, weeks since we talked properly, weeks since my last hesitation. "What are you doing here? " I asked, feigning surprise, as if we're okay, as if I was okay. 

"It's just one of those nights. " He walked closer to me, removing his cap and placing it back again as he did so. "You should be used to it by now. "

I smiled. Because I would never get used to his late night sentiments, and because it was nice to hear his voice again. "This is not really a good place to hang out you know."

He smiled back, then rubbed his eyes. He didn't talk, then it was silent for a while. So I had to ask again, because we were facing each other and I had to overcome the heavy beating of my heart. "Why are you here? "

"You're avoiding me. " He said. 

"What-" I was going to ask him to say it again, but he moved closer and stooped down, resting his head on my shoulder. My heart froze, and then suddenly it ached. "What are you saying?" I catch the breath I didn't know I was holding and immediately caught the faint smell of shampoo and to my surprise, alcohol. "Were you drinking?? "

I heard him chuckle. "I can't remember." This guy is crazy. He doesn't even enjoy drinking, but based on how he smells and how he acts now, I'm guessing he had a lot