Just for 10 seconds, for once, let me hug you for real

I ran my hand over my face, massaging my right temple as I closed my eyes for a bit. It's past 2:00 am, my body was begging for sleep since yesterday but everytime my eyes get heavy my thoughts get heavier - taking me to different places, replaying the past, reminding me of memories I should forget. 

I sighed deeply. Lately, It's been like this. I get to work like I always do, spending hours and hours in the studio,trying to make music. Sometimes I write lyrics, sometimes I try working with melodies, replaying my previous tracks - playing with them. Sometimes I read poetry or watch movies, trying to get inspiration from them, a fresh one, something away from the thoughts that has always been at the back of my head. But today, and often in this past few weeks, I find myself like this - facing my pc, pen on my hand, wearing my headphones that was playing tracks that only pass by my ear, tunes dancing in the air, and me thinking about her. 

I removed my headphones from my neck and turned off the pc, This night is obviously going nowhere. I laid back on my chair and scrolled through my phone, they were messages from mom, missed calls, unread chats. And it's 2:19 am.

I texted my mom:

Studio. Going back to the dorm now. Miss you and byul. 

I stood up and picked up my jacket. Locked the studio and wore my shoes lazily. 

"Hey where you going?" It's Jaewon walking down the hallway. A can of beer in his hands. 

"Out. " I said as a matter of factly. 

"Yeah, but where to? I was about to interfere with your work" He paused. "and it's late man"

I wore my jacket and placed my phone on my pocket. "Well there is no work to interfere." He looked at me questioningly, what a drag "And yes it's late but I'm going out for a walk." 

"No damn you're not" He said. I sighed. It's not the first time Jaewon saw me like this. He's my friend and he knows everything that has happened. "Well you better not get caught." 

"Well, you better not tell." I told him. 

"Then you owe me a can. " He said, raising his beer. "And be careful, really. They might still be after the both of you."

I just nodded and made my way to the elevator. It's dawn and it's Jaewon's favorite time to drink. He drinks with me most of the time. I used to hate it before, but now I understand why lonely people always go for drinks. It makes you forget. 

I went out of the building and the cold fall breeze greeted me, swaying the trees, whispering to the empty late night road. A few weeks till winter, not long enough till the snow would fall over and over again. 

I walked slowly. Passing by the familiar houses, places I've been before, my footsteps became my company and the soft voices of people chatting encouraged me to walk further. My feet was leading me to that place unconsciously, because it had walked this path a thousand times, the roads were witness to our story, and right now, as I walk through the path again, it's showing me everything that was before. It showed me her. 

Kim Dahyun was beautiful. She was my happiness, the sunshine to my mornings. She's still beautiful to me now, but I'm not sure if she's still my happiness. I feel like after we broke up, she has taken with her the possibility that I would ever be happy. She's not sunshine anymore, but the moon, sitting in the blanket of the skies. I can't ever reach it, but every time I look up it makes me think that maybe...just maybe, I can get through the night, the night that grows darker and darker as the time pass. 

We were happy. It hurts me to say that we were. But it's true. 

It's safe to say that I liked her first. I liked her for a really long time before she knew. I saw her the first time on a music show, our room was adjacent to theirs. It's funny that it was kdrama like - I went out of our room at the same time she did. I looked at her and immediately thought that she's pretty. Small face, fair skin, pointed nose, bright eyes, pretty smile. I like her smile. How can someone have such a beautiful smile? She bowed and I bowed back. Before she walked away, I saw her nametag. TWICE Dahyun. I never knew then that that name would hold a special place in my heart, a place that soon would grow to hurt.

I watched her ever since. If it's thei