There are days where she wishes that things are different.

That she isn’t single.

That she isn’t walking down an empty street at two a.m. trying to clear her mind and to shut the sadness out of her system.

That she doesn’t remember.

Doesn’t remember taking this cobblestoned path down the hill as they made their way to the dance practice rooms together, dragging her sneakers past the halls that used to share classes with, dashing their way from shelter to shelter to avoid the chilly spring rain, blistering summer sun, and freezing winter wind.

Ordinarily, the tranquil calm of the night would calm her. The night air is inert, frozen of all activity until tomorrow. Ordinarily, her mind would let itself drift off into emptiness.

But not tonight.

Tonight, her mind races and nothing can calm the turbulence within.

Two a.m., and all she wants to do is to sleep. Her eyebags weigh on her. Ever since her semester’s started, she’s poured herself into the humdrum of work, work, and work. Her friends have remarked that her eyebags have gotten worse since autumn.

Two a.m., and all she can think of is: Kang Seulgi and Bae Joohyun, clinging to each other as they make their way through the pitch-black maze slightly more than a year ago during Halloween.

Why she had allowed Seulgi to drag her to the Haunted House, she had no idea, but Seulgi had the audacity to smile at her, her eyes pulling into crescents as she whiningly made her request – “it’ll be fun! We’ve got to support Seungwan’s fundraising initiative right?” – and Joohyun simply could not have refused the girl. She wonders how Seulgi had manipulated her decision so easily and remembers that as she clung to Seulgi’s back in the maze, she had a fleeting moment of realization that oh god I would do anything for Seulgi and that it had terrified her more than the jump scare around the corner.

Sure, she had screamed as the scare crew leapt out and shrieked at her, his face covered with what she knows to be grey face paint and an unholy amalgamation of Vaseline, fake blood, cornstarch, but when she flung herself behind Seulgi’s back as the girl returned a scream at their attacker, she had found that her face contorted into an expression of fear primarily because of well, instinct, instead of being actually terrified.

Because a year ago, Kang Seulgi was there.

Stop it, Joohyun. Stop thinking of a forgone past. You’ve made a decision. Stick with it.

She sighs. She’s been doing so well recently. Food has begun to taste okay again and she’s been sleeping more regularly nowadays, but…

She blames the coffee that Jennie managed to slip into her day. God, she doesn’t even like coffee.

She’s really, really been doing so damned well.

Except for tonight. Tonight’s the first time she flicked open their messaging history, scrolling all the way back up to back then.

Like: [hey, Joohyun-unnie, can you meet me for coffee?] and her reply: [[Sure. When?]] She doesn’t even like coffee, God help her. Seulgi didn’t know then, of course. She knew now that Joohyun detests coffee. Would rather not touch it as long as she could help it. Seulgi herself isn’t partially fond of coffee, preferring its sweetened variants instead of the iced Americanos that their peers all seem to prefer.

All she had wanted when she opened the app was to dig out an old essay that Seulgi had sent her, asking if she could proofread it. And instead, she is served a bitter mouthful of heartache.

Right below the essay document had been:

[[I’ll wait for you by the main door. Don’t take too long?]]

[Okay. I’ll see you in a bit! Prof’s really the lifeforce out of me]

[Going on and on about some bs that’s not even gonna be tested for finals. Sigh.]

Joohyun had probably laughed into her scarf then, discreetly muffling the sound lest her classmates catch her reaction and ask after her source of amusement. It didn’t gnaw that much at her then, not yet, not until a mutual friend had brought it up casually, not knowing that it would drag them into their downward spiral.

Compelled to scroll through the app, she had only hollowed out her insides more and more and more and more until it became utterly unbearable.

There are easier things to swallow. Easier things to slot into the compartments of her mind. She never asked for heartache, but here she is, being dished a thousand platters of something she would rather not have.  Her mind serves to be a heartless turncoat, rendering her heart a raw and battered mess.

Perhaps, it’s time to stop lying to herself. Telling herself that she’s okay is slowly becoming an old lie. The sound of her dishonesty grates and wears on her ears and she is no closer to being okay.

Most days are good days, where Joohyun gets out of the house and attends all her classes. Nowadays, she’s grateful that Seulgi doesn’t stay on campus anymore, because she’d never be able to stand running into her at every corner if they stayed nearer to each other. Her inner voice could continue to repeat that fictitious tale without being constantly reminded that she was a bigger liar than an unreformed Pinnochio.

On those days, she could tell herself that she did not miss Seulgi.

For sure, most of the things she could shut out were small details, little things she could pick up and place into the boxes in her head. Small little titbits scattered around her mind, like how Seulgi would snore lightly and crack her knuckles loudly, facets of her behaviour that on bad days would be pet peeves but on good days simply quirks that Joohyun would smile at. Or how Seulgi would smile sleepily in the morning even before her eyes open to snuggle closer to Joohyun as they lay on the bed together, huddling for warmth on a cold winter morning. Or how Seulgi smells of whatever lotion she’s purchased recently (the latest one had been citrus, sharp but somehow comforting).

But it’s the small details come in an unending deluge. All of her senses constantly remind her that she’s missing someone, a part of herself. If she closes her eyes, she visualises the way Seulgi dashes up to her, always excited to see Joohyun. If she plugs in her earphones, she remembers how they would sing their favourite songs, or how Seulgi always hummed under her breath whenever they studied in the library together until the librarian gave her a stern glare. Joohyun’s not managed to find a fabric softener that did not smell like the clothes that they wore. And certainly, finding Seulgi’s old plaid shirt in her closet seventeen days after their breakup sent her into a work overdrive, her consciousness striving to eradicate all traces of a slowly but increasingly unfamiliar familiar.

The filters in her head don’t have microscopic membranes, and there are only so many compartments that she can fill to bursting in her small frame before they overflow. Even if they lie about half-forgotten, they draw pinpricks of pain, biting and altogether unbearable. Each memory is infinitesimally small, but oh, how they manage to wham into her, leaving her blindsided, bruised, and bloody.

She hates all of this.

She tilts her head up and peers at the starless night. If only there were stars so she could distract herself by counting them.

=====

Things get better, things get worse.

Winter begins to seep into the city, its cold drafts causing her to curse at the pressure system and bemoan the country’s latitudinal position. It’s her final year, after all, so she spends her time holed up in the relative warmth of the library. She grumbles to her friends that the library is never heated well enough, grouses at the fact that she has to wear her down jacket indoors. Her friends commiserate and point out that at least she’s saving herself from the hassle of having to strip the layers on and off repeatedly, but that’s little consolation when her fingers are freezing as they type hundreds of letters into her Word document.

She begins to push herself harder. She shows up earlier for her tutorials, on time for all the lectures, sits in the front row, answers questions and asks a gamut of her own. Shyness is something she sets aside for coursework, and shyness is an unnecessary inhibition to graduating with better grades.

The professors she meets in this semester begin to recognise her and know her name, and she’s sure that some of them would be willing to supervise her honours thesis after she drops them a hundred emails. She’d be sure to avoid asking one of the middle-aged male professors from last semester, what with the rumours swirling about his lack of regard for official regulations and ah, unprofessional overfriendliness. She scoffs at the thought. Professor Meyers is nigh immune from all prosecution. Last she’s heard, his younger wife showed up at school in a chauffeured car, and all the students in the department mutter about his family wealth.

She finds a pair of orange socks with teddy bear prints on it half a week into December. They are obnoxious. Bright. Happy.

She doesn’t throw them out.

=====

She gets lunch with Seungwan often enough. Not as frequently as she used to since Seungwan wasn’t particularly happy about the choice she made four months ago, but good friendships don’t shatter because of disapproval.

When they meet, they don’t talk about Seulgi. Joohyun knows that the duo are still as tight as ever, but she always stops herself from blurting out the questions she’s dying to ask.

Today’s an exception.

“I saw a poster for the dance club earlier. Is Seulgi’s performing for the Christmas concert?”

Seungwan, to her credit, did not choke on her noodles. Her eyes also widened, but only for a fraction of a second. If Joohyun wasn’t this attuned to her expressions, she wouldn’t have caught it.

She swallows before she replies. “Yeah, she is.”

Unsatisfied, Joohyun presses, “What’s she performing?”

“She’s up for three… no, four, different numbers.”

“Have you seen her practice?”

Seungwan swallows a mouthful of soup. “Yeah, I have. She’s pretty good, but no surprises there. She says she’s doing a short duet with one of the new members, Taeyong, I think?” Another mouthful of soup. “I know she’s choreographing one of the group dances.”

“Taeyong?” Joohyun’s brow raises as she struggles to place the name to a face. “Oh, him. I think I might’ve assessed his audition.”

Seungwan shrugs. “I won’t know. Anyway, Seulgi’s pretty excited about the performance. She’s practising pretty hard for it.”

Joohyun smiles at Seungwan, squashing down a weird feeling fomenting inside her. “That’s good to hear.”

She looks back down at her food and begins to play with her metal chopsticks. If she looked up, she’d see Seungwan giving her a sad look. She doesn’t see it.

=====

She has truly incurred a terrible amount of bad karma, cursed as she is to run into Kang Seulgi at the convenience store.

Seulgi is there alone, idly thumbing at the different cups of instant noodles. She’s not seen her yet, Joohyun is sure. Joohyun’s stands numbly by the door, forgetting for a moment that she’s here to pick up a carton of milk because they’ve run out of it. She had been thinking of getting some ice-cream, but the fridge for frozen products is right in front of Seulgi’s line of vision.

From afar, Seulgi looks fine. Joohyun hates that her heart skipped a beat when she saw her, because who the hell gave Seulgi the right to bleach her hair blonde? Her side profile’s arresting, and God, Joohyun, just get the milk and go. The very sight of Seulgi, here in the flesh, manages to lock Joohyun’s knees together and freeze her feet to the ground and make her frozen ears burn.

The milk is in the fridge. Walk. Walk there, Bae Joohyun. Okay. It’s just milk. It’ll expire on the twenty-seventh of the month. You guys will finish the milk by then. Open the door, don’t let yourself get distracted by the girl to your eleven o’clock. Close the door. Bam.

Ah , she’s really used too much force.

She winces as she watches Seulgi startle, dropping a packet of peach gummies from her hand as she jumps. Joohyun refuses to acknowledge how good Seulgi looks in her leather jacket. Although, why isn’t she dressed more warmly? How is she warm enough dressed only in that?

She watches as Seulgi’s gapes at her disbelievingly, unwilling to believe that Joohyun’s here in the flesh. It’ll be rude not to say hi, even if the person’s your ex, and so Joohyun summons enough in her to walk towards her. Up close, she sees that Seulgi’s lips are slightly chapped and she may or may not have lost enough weight – is she not eating properly? She knows that Seulgi’s a terrible cook, but she lives at home now so surely, her mom would’ve ensured that she’s being fed well?

(It brings her a small measure of horrible satisfaction that Seulgi might be suffering too.)

She could have said hi.

Instead, her voice works up a ridiculous question that she doesn’t have the right to ask, the words leaving her like a treacherous bubble, “Have you not been using any chapstick?”

Seulgi stares at her in return for a long moment. Joohyun begins to shift uncomfortably. What kind of question was that? Completely and totally unnecessary. You don’t get to ask questions like that. What must Seulgi be thinking?

“Ah, my lips must be quite dry, aren’t they?” Seulgi rubs her lips self-consciously, a few pieces of dried skin flaking off onto her fingers. “You’re erm… looking well?”

She does have a full face of day makeup on. “Are you buying something?”

Seulgi bites her lips. “Yeah. Was debating between getting the cheese or spicy flavour.”

“Spicy,” Joohyun says again. Seulgi only blinks at her, the deer in the headlights expression never leaving her. “I mean! It’s cold outside. Spicy things are good.”

“Right-o.” Seulgi nods and picks the red cup up. “I’ll be going then. Need to get back to cramming for finals. See you around.”

Without waiting for a reply, Seulgi walks away and shoves a series of notes at the cashier before flitting out to the afternoon streets.

Joohyun looks down at the fallen packet of gummies lying amidst the multicoloured selection of noodles. It takes her a while for her to pull her gaze away from it. By the time she makes her way to pay, condensation has long begun to form on the milk carton.

Leaving should have been easier.