does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

-----

Every time they run into each other, Joohyun tells herself that she’s not a coward when she plucks her feet and turns in the other direction. That her guts aren’t being wrenched out of their place and her heart isn’t trying to violently expel itself from her body. She’s been doing so well but no, bumping into Seulgi dredges up all the memories from the back of her mind, and she’s startled by just how clear they are, how sharp the edges of these fragments are for they scratch at her, and those that are particularly vivid lance through her chest.

Seulgi curled up on the sofa after a long day at school. Seulgi grinning broadly as she makes her way through the Oreo cereal that Joohyun says is only for kids but Seulgi’s unrepentant sweet tooth doesn’t care that she’s on a sure road to type II diabetes. Seulgi grabbing Joohyun off the black rubber sofa and shoving a mic in her hands and them singing together, not caring that their friends are laughing at their antics.  

Apparently, the only refresher her memories needed was well, bumping into Kang Seulgi physically. And now it feels like Week 1 all over again, like she’s not gone through the past couple of months attempting to piece a life together.

Every time she sees Seulgi, she is reminded of what they were. And while being single is not a terrible way to exist, her entire being longs to return to that familiar rhythm that they had formed for themselves.

It’s stupid, really. She’s been single more than she hasn’t in her entire life. Even if you scratch off the years spent in childhood because okay, that doesn’t really count, she’s sure that she hasn’t dated enough people in her life to say that she’s more used to being in relationships than not. Her Facebook profile would attest to that (not that she’s ever declared her non-singlehood on Facebook).

Joohyun’s fist clench and unclench, the rivulets of scalding hot water running down her back. . . . Just an hour ago, Seulgi had entered the café a few streets down from their school. With another girl, whose large shiny eyes and a too-bright grin had made Joohyun want to hurl.

Joohyun didn’t notice Seulgi at first, hidden as she was behind her laptop screen. But when she took off her headphones because her ears were starting to get sore from the pressure, had been completely and utterly dry when she heard Seulgi’s soft laugh.

For a long, heart-stopping moment, Joohyun had watched them, entranced like the way you watch a disaster hurtling towards you, the way that Seulgi allowed the girl to touch her with a familiarity that made Joohyun’s tongue taste bitter and made her fingernails dig into the flesh of her palms.

She told herself it doesn’t matter. No. No. It doesn’t. But honestly, who was she fooling? Her stuff disappeared into her bag. She got up. Left.

Practically fled, in fact.

An hour later, her wet skin is mottled and red.

==========

“Joohyun, can you stand right there?”

“Here?” She walks to where Seulgi’s pointing. “What for?”

“The lighting’s good.” Seulgi pulls out a camera. “Dad gave me a camera. Thought I could test it out on you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, on the prettiest girl in the whole world. Even if I’m not that good at taking photos yet, at least the photos will turn out nicely.”

Joohyun feels her cheeks redden. “Hey.”

“It’s only the truth, Joohyun-ie.”

==========

“So, Joohyun,” the pen drums against the table, “why aren’t you back in the dating game yet?”

Joohyun looks up from her stack of readings. “I’m sorry?”

“You heard me,” Jennie frowns. “This… I don’t know. You’ve been single for… I don’t know, all these months? Don’t you like… want to date?” Jennie’s mouth quirks to the side and she frowns in contemplation. “God knows that my mother has been on my ever since I broke up with Jongin. All the stupid spinsterhood jibes are getting a bit old from the birth-giver.”

“The birth-giver?”

“My mother. The person whose uterus I occupied for nine month, give or take? Now come on, are you going to date again, or are you going to sit around forever and mop around?”

“Excuse me? Firstly, I don’t mop around! And then are you saying that being a spinster is bad or – that’s so… so archaic, Jennie! I can’t believe that you’d be sprouting that rubbish! Or I don’t know, if I was actually old enough to use the word spinster, I’d be accusing you of spouting hogwash! That’s nonsense and you know it!”

“Woah, no, I never meant to say anything of the kind. Chill dude.” Jennie raises her hands, conciliatory. “I just… you’re graduating soon so like, dating in college is a lot easier than dating after you graduate. Especially if you want to date a girl, you know? Your mom’s probably not going to accept a “no” to all her matchmaking offers soon.”

“Matchmaking—”

“—Is a perfectly acceptable practice to our moms. At least she’s not arranging your marriage or some other bull, so there’s that. Did you hear that one of the girls in the lower batch is bunking with Olivia because her mom wanted to hook her up with a banker’s son? Damn, that girl’s unlucky. Anyway, I don’t want to bet that your mom’s going to start asking if you want to go out with her friends’ sons soon, but… you know. Best be prepared.”

Joohyun lets out a low groan and sinks into the chair. “But… You know that I…”

Jennie raises a brow. “That you are a terrible and unredeemable gay? Of course. Your mother’s probably never going to relent on the matchmaking front. So… fair warning.”

Joohyun pouts. “I don’t like this.”

“There, there.” There’s only commiseration and zero condescension in Jennie’s tone, but all the same, Joohyun feels a lot smaller than she usually does.

===

She finds a crumpled note in a pair of jeans that she rarely wears.

To JH: reminder to pay your student bills! Can you buy some conditioner too the next time you go out? Think we might be running out soon.

She acknowledges that her heart felt like it’s being ripped into two, a slow ugly splintering that made her feel like she was being torn asunder. (All over again).  

==========

“Seulgi!”Joohyun’s shriek echoes down the hallway. “Help me, please!”

“Joohyun-ie!” Seulgi cries out with a laugh as Joohyun runs straight into her outstretched arms. “What’s gotten into you?”

Joohyun pants for a moment. Inhales. “There’s… there’s a cockroach in my apartment.”

Seulgi’s brows hitch. “And you expect me to kill it for you?”

“Well… I guess so!” Seulgi chuckles at Joohyun’s fervent nods.

“Oh alright. Lead me to the tyrant invading your home.”

Joohyun practically pushes Seulgi into her apartment, and Seulgi can only attempt to put up a brave, stoic front in the face of… this incursion. She doesn’t like cockroaches much herself. Who does? But she obliges anyway. Joohyun’s terrified and getting rid of the roach was all that mattered right now.

She slips off her shoes and folds a stack of papers before venturing into the kitchen. Where is it? She sweeps the paper beneath the fridge and—

“Gotcha!” She slams the paper down swiftly on the scurrying brown insect. “Sorry for having to kill you, Mr Roach. But it’s the only way. Hope your family will do okay and all, Mr Roach.”

Behind her, Joohyun gives a nervous laugh until Seulgi tosses the paper into the bin, finally assured that the roach is no more than a wet brown splat against the newspaper.

“You’re so dramatic. It’s just a cockroach!”

Seulgi laughs, then sobers. “It’s still a living thing. So it deserves an apology. Even if its kind has probably caused… I don’t know, the mass spread of diseases and dirt… this little guy was innocent. More or less.”

“It’s a cockroach,” Joohyun repeats bluntly. “But… I guess it didn’t harm me…”

Seulgi nods, brightening at seeing that Joohyun understood. “I don’t have to like killing it.”

“Yeah okay, you don’t.” Joohyun walks over and wraps her warm hand around Seulgi’s elbow. “Thanks for doing it anyway. I do appreciate it. A lot.”

==========

“It was my fault,” Joohyun whispers into the darkness.

She doesn’t expect a reply, but her sister’s sleepy voice sounds out, “What is?”

Clench. Unclench. “The breakup.” She says. She’s never said this before. And certainly never to her sister. Never. Never.

What is family? Family is what raised her. What is family? Family is what clothed her and bathed her and sent her to school. What is family? Family consists of a group of people whom she hides from, whom she lies to when they ask her, “how are you?”. The lies slip out of so damned easily nowadays. In childhood, it had been so hard to look at her father in the face and deny that she broke the cup. It was by accident anyway, she had assuaged herself. But now? She looks her mother in the eye and says that she’s doing well when she comes home to visit. Family is a group of people whom she would never hand her heart to, for she couldn’t bear for them to look at it… and what? Was she afraid that they would refuse her heart? Or that they would trample on it? Or that they would take it and twist it to what they wanted it to look like? What is family?

“Your breakup?” Her sister suddenly sounds a lot more awake now. “Joohyun?” Concern. “Are you okay?”

From the bed next to her, Joohyun sighs. “I don’t know. Some days I am. Some days I am not. It’s terribly ridiculous.” She too, sits up, but curls her knees and tucks them under her chin. “I don’t…”

Her sister stands up, padding over to Joohyun. Her sister settles next to her, awkwardly. They don’t usually do this sort of thing. They’ve never been particularly close, for an entire series of reasons.

Her sister is a few years younger than she is, just shy of entering college, and Joohyun’s always tried to be a good older sister. But that also meant that Joohyun shutters a lot of herself away from her and doesn’t tell her much about her private life. She’s pretty smart for her age, but not overly so, so they’ve never particularly connected like how Seulgi and her brother are close.

“I… broke up. With…” She exhales. “It was a few months ago. It doesn’t matter now.”

Her sister frowns. “It seems like it’s still bothering you. So it clearly does matter. How long were you guys dating? Did he treat you badly?”

She exhales again. “No. She was…” How does she even begin to tell her that Seulgi was amazing? That there had really been nothing for her to complain about, and all that Seulgi deserves is a kiss of sunshine and the embrace of flowers, and never acid and sharp teeth?

“She?” Her sister’s voice is sharp, and for a heart-stopping moment Joohyun wants to bite her tongue off for the slip. But her sister continues, her voice a lot softer and kinder this time. “It’s… Joohyun-unnie… You’ve never told me.”

She swallows. “I never knew how to.”

Her sister sighs. “We can start. I… I wish I knew. So that I could have been there for you.” Her sister’s hug grows firmer. “I would have been there for you.”

“I…” A lone tear sneaks its way out of her eye. “Thank you.” She swallows the watery lump again. “I hate that I am so… weak. I’m not usually like this.”

“I know, I know. You’re strong, beautiful, and everything I can possibly hope to be,” her sister says simply, without the usual envy laced in it. “But sometimes I wish you could offload some of the burden you think you should be carrying, you know?”

No, she doesn’t know. But she leans into her sister’s somewhat larger frame and forces herself to relax. “Do you want me to tell you about her?”

“Sure. Whatever you’re comfortable with – I want to know.”

A small smile plays at her lips. Where to begin? “Her name’s Seulgi. She’s got an older brother. They’re idiots together, and they know it. She’s three years younger than I am, in the year below me. When we first met she was surprised to find out that I was three years older than she is. Our friends used to tease me for dating a younger girl. But she’s also very mature in the way she thinks. Grew up pretty sheltered – her dad works in the civil service. But she’s kind. Not spoiled. Wouldn’t hurt a fly – barely wanted to kill a stupid cockroach. She loves to sing, to paint, to dance. Got those from her parents, she always said. But dancing? Dancing was her thing. She’s very good at it.”

“Better than you are?”

“Better than me.”

“But you’re so good, unnie!”

“Trust me, she’s better. Okay, I guess she was better at dances meant for guys—”

Under her breath, her sister mutters, “Gay.”

For that, she earns a light slap on her leg. “Hey. Didn’t you ask me to tell you about her?”

“You offered. But… why didn’t you tell me?”

Joohyun opens . Shuts it. Then tries, feebly, “I didn’t think you’d have been okay with it.”

“I would be okay with whatever makes you happy, Joohyun-unnie,” she proclaims. “I know… we don’t agree on everything, but I would hate for you to be unhappy. And if girls like Seulgi can make you happy, why would I say anything bad about it?”

Her voice catches again. She reaches for her sister’s hand and gives it a wordless squeeze.

“I… I assume you’re not gonna be telling mom, right, unnie?”         

“No.” Her tongue is bitter and laced with the tang of tears. “It’s hardly going to accomplish anything productive, especially not now, not when I’m not even dating Seulgi anymore.”

Her sister shrugs. “Fair enough. But whatever it is, I’ve got your back.”

“Even if mom cuts your pocket money for not telling her?”

“Even then.” Then cheekily, she adds, “You could always compensate me for that!”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“I know.”  

==========

With Seulgi, Joohyun's usually the big spoon. She likes clinging onto Seulgi as she sleeps, her arms draped around a solid warmth that snored lightly.  

When they finally decide to move in together on the pretext of getting cheaper rent, Joohyun quickly finds that she’s gotten too used to sleeping by Seulgi’s side. So much so that when Seulgi went home for the weekend, she had tossed and turned for hours before she could finally sleep. She’s grown used to holding her, grown used to the vibrations of her snores.

Without Seulgi around, everything creeps back into her.

Today, Seulgi’s finally back. Joohyun’s already in bed by the time Seulgi’s arms wrap around her, her scent filling Joohyun’s nostrils, the swirls of her brown hair tickling Joohyun’s neck. She smells like warmth, of honey and cinnamon and sunlight.

“You smell different.”

“Well… yeah. Didn’t bring my usual lotion home. Borrowed mom’s.”

“Your mom’s?”

“It’s not her usual one,” Seulgi says with a giggle. “This one was a gift from a friend of hers. Mom’s decided that she doesn’t like it. She’s more of a floral fan, I think. And oppa’s definitely not borrowing these things from her so…”

With Seulgi, her mind is calm. The tumult of her thoughts still and she no longer feels the need to rip her skin off to fashion herself a less troubled mind. Her head’s above the water, and as she snuggles into Seulgi’s embrace, she thinks that this happiness is something she can get used to.

==========

Joohyun rolls over in her bed, entirely unwilling to get out of its warm confines.

Jennie’s I told you so rings in her head and all she wants to do is to throw her phone to the opposite end of the room.

Her mother called.

It starts with the usual pleasantries:  Joohyun-ah, how are you doing!

Yeah, I’m doing okay. You?

We’re doing very well. Have you eaten yet?

Yeah. She lied. Her stomach growled. Fried rice. I’ve got an essay to finish, you know? Another lie.

Aigoo. Can you make some time for me this weekend? I was thinking of coming up together with a friend. She’s got a son working in—

Mom. Are you trying to set me up?

Her mom had laughed. It’s my duty as a mom, you know.

Mom, I don’t need—

I just want you to be happy, Joohyun-ah, why can’t you accept that?

Incredulity had coursed through her. And had hung up with a curt, bye mom. The screen had glared at her, accusing in all its blue light.  

And now that she’s awake, she can’t even go back to sleep.

==========

Movie nights with Seulgi are slowly rising in her list of favourite things to do, and tonight is no exception.

Save, of course, for the fact that Seulgi’s random pick of movies off Netflix somehow winds up as a slasher film, filled with gore, blood, and entire series of mutilated limbs. There’s something about a chainsaw and some maniacal nutjob going around on a murder spree. Joohyun’s watched some horror before, and she always looks forward to spending more time with Seulgi, but she never really expected to spend her night resisting the urge to shut her eyes and cover her ears as best as she could. She had hoped it would have gone more along the lines of lighting some nice candles that Seulgi’s mom gifted to them and settling in to watch some slow, peaceful film, or something. Just not this.

"Oh my god," she shrieks, and she hears Seulgi's faint wince as her free arm moves to rub her poor ear. "What? His entire arm just got ripped off!"

Seulgi and Joohyun are nestled in their room, their legs both hidden underneath a blanket as they while their Friday night away. The small lamp is , not that it’s really helping her feel any less terrified by the film before her. Joohyun’s trying, she really is, since Seulgi’s not offered to pick another film yet, which must mean she’s okay with this film and Joohyun doesn’t want to distract her from enjoying this.

But god.

“Seulgi-ah, can we… watch something else?” The voice that leaves her is small, and she squeezes her eyes shut again as the whirr of the chainsaw rings again. “I’m scared. How are you not scared?”

Seulgi lets out a laugh when Joohyun buries her face behind her shoulder and tries to ignore the agonised scream of the next victim. She tries very, very hard to remember that it’s only a film and that no one was actually harmed in the production of the movie. It’s hard though.

“Can’t do it. Please – let’s do something else?”

Seulgi relents and hits the pause button. Joohyun squeaks at the sight of the screencap. Guts and blood aren’t exactly her cup of tea. She moves to click the BACK button and Seulgi laughs again.

“It’s okay, relax. We’ll watch something else, okay?” Seulgi says, laughing again. Her left arm reaches for Joohyun’s back and rubs soothing circles, and Joohyun sinks into her hold. “I wasn’t really watching the film anyway. I don’t like slashers much either.”

“Wait. WHAT?”

Seulgi probably needs a new left ear at this point. “Yeah… I was mostly just…” her voice trails off. “You know what? Never mind.”

“Kang Seulgi!”

Another wince. “Erm. I didn’t choose the film deliberately – I swear! – but once we started I guess I… liked the way you just clung onto me?” She sounds hesitant, and really, altogether terrified.

Joohyun’s mouth drops open for a long, incredulous moment. “Kang Seulgi!” she shrieks again as she grabs the nearest pillow and proceeds to commit murder-by-pillow. “I cannot believe that you subjected me to thirty minutes of this just because—”

Okay, she can admit that it’s kind of sweet, but in a terribly warped fashion. Surely, there are easier ways to get them to cuddle? God, if that was all Seulgi wanted from the get-go she would have been more than happy to oblige.

Seulgi dodges a blow. “I… admit it was fun seeing you scared. No, seriously! Ow, Joohyun – please stop hitting me?”

“Seulgi!” A hit. “How… I cannot…”

“Just forgive me?” Seulgi pouts, narrowly avoiding yet another hit. Joohyun’s arms tire and she lowers the pillow, just for a bit. “Come on, Joohyun-ieee, please?”

Joohyun groans. Why does Seulgi have to whine like that? “Fine. You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Seulgi gives her a sun-splitting grin. “Only for you.”

==========

What mother wants, mother gets.

Joohyun’s dressed as best as she can; mother’s wrath is not worth it. Even if she’s an unwilling participant in this entire affair and even if she’s trying hard to avoid being shoved into a tête-à-tête with the admittedly good-looking man in front of her, having to face her mother’s clipped tones for embarrassing her and how could you not make an effort is something she doesn’t need in her day.

She’s trying hard to smile as widely as she can and nod whenever there’s something that should be registered as being remotely interesting, but it’s really an uphill battle she’s not sure she’d win. Smile too broadly and nod too much, and the two female vultures would swoop in and send her off to Date #2. Which she doesn’t want. Show too much of her actual disinterest? Damn.

There’s no winning this.

Twenty-five minutes ago, Joohyun followed her mother in, heels clicking against the wooden floor of the café. The prospective guy is introduced by his mother, both of them looking pleased to see Joohyun. The mother compliments her choice of dress – red flatters your skin!

Park Bogum is charming enough, she supposes. If she cared the least bit for Bogum’s she would say that he’s actually pretty attractive. But he looks too happy to be here, an excessively willing participant to this charade of niceties, so Joohyun cannot say that she’d even want to be friends with him after she escapes this brunch… thing. She’s surprised that he’s still single, all things considered. He has the wide, pretty boy eyes that the girls at college covet. Smooth unblemished skin. An earnest, open face. His eyes crinkle when he smiles, sparkling with genuine amusement at one of her throwaway remarks. He’s not supposed to find her funny when all she wants to be is snide. And for god’s sake, he’s working at some bank, isn’t he? Where are all the sharks around?

She imagines his Tinder profile. He’d be the perfect guy to go to church with, if Sundays with Jesus was your thing. There’s nothing that you could condemn about it, maybe. The only complaint might arise from a relatively insecure girl, something to do with how he’s too much of a heartthrob to actually be dated. She’s read some study about how being average to above average is ideal for securing a proper date off Tinder. Bogum’s probably a little out of the above average waters, but really? Why would he even be here?

She should have been able to give him a chance. If only. If only. Two things, but the one that squeezes her ribcage’s the fact that she knows that it’s been months, and yet.

She shouldn’t feel this way. Not like this. Not still.

It almost feels like déjà vu when she hears the tinkling of bells.

Her face freezes mid-laugh at something that Bogum says, something that she had found genuinely funny for those four seconds, but when she locks eyes with one Kang Seulgi, she can’t remember, for the life of her, what the hell Bogum just said.

Seulgi’s lips part, slightly, her brows creasing slightly in confusion before everything is shuttered off such that even Joohyun can’t read her.

For a moment, she wonders if she’s dreaming. Of all places to run into Seulgi again, it just has to be here. Seulgi’s in one of her many blazers and she looks absolutely amazing and Joohyun wishes she was by Seulgi’s side, not held down by the wishes of her mother.

The bells cling again, more noisily this time.

And she’s gone.

Joohyun doesn’t know how long she spends staring after her.

“Irene? Irene?” Bogum says, waving his hand in front of her. “You okay?”

“I… Yeah. Sorry – I spaced out…” Then it really strikes her that Seulgi was just there and oh god. “I’m sorry, but I just remembered that I have something to do and really sorry – I – bye?” Her brain’s short-circuiting and she can’t even come up with a proper excuse as she grabs her handbag and dashes out to the streets. There’ll be hell to pay later but in this moment, does she really care?

“Seulgi!” she cries out as soon as she can. “Kang Seulgi!”

She doesn’t see her, but she hopes she picks the correct direction and she runs down the street. “Seulgi! Kang Seulgi!”

A flash of her brown blazer. “Seulgi, Seulgi, please, stop running!”

God. Heels are terrible for running down the tarmac.

Seulgi’s not gotten any worse at running, it would seem. She runs and all Joohyun can do is to sprint after her as best as she can and lament her choice of footwear. At least her handbag’s not particularly heavy, and it’s also pretty useful for shoving the crowd aside as she tears her way through the throng of passers-by.

“Seulgi—” her ankle nearly twists as it’s caught on something. She lets out a huge sigh. She’d never catch up with her at this rate—

“You okay?” Seulgi suddenly appears by her side, panting slightly.

Yes, but also, no—

Joohyun lets out a harsh sob and wants, so badly, to fall into Seulgi’s arms, but it’s not her place. It’s not her place.

“Come on, was your date that bad?”

She can see that Seulgi’s trying to poke fun at her. And god, what are their places with each other anymore?

Rendered wordless, all she can do is gape. Then she says, enunciating as clearly as she can with as much emotion as she can muster, “I ing hate you.”

Seulgi’s eyebrows quirk, but she doesn’t deign to respond to that. “Do you want to talk?”

She sighs.

But of course, she doesn’t say no.