all that we've amassed sits before us, shattered into ash

They start slipping.

It starts, as with all of such things, with an accident. Which accident, they aren’t very sure of themselves, but maybe if she tries to trace it far back enough, she’d point out that it started when Seulgi left the sweetened coffee out overnight and she woke up to a cup full of ants.

Or maybe it starts with a text. With how as she gets up to hand Seulgi her phone, she sees a notification pop up with a few heart emojis attached to the end of the string of hiragana and kanji. Annoyance flares in her because she can’t read Japanese, and well, she really doesn’t have any right to be upset, does she? But she does. And she gets more upset because she knows she’s not supposed to be upset.

Seulgi doesn’t say who it is, just laughs and says it’s a kid from her class. Some exchanger from UTokyo. Do you mind if I ordered some chicken in, Hyun? I can pay for whatever you want to get. I just really want some Kyochon right now. When Seulgi makes this request, her eyes disappear in a smile. Joohyun just sighs and nods in assent (defeat). It’s worth it, kind of, when Seulgi smiles as she tears into her rice-coated fried chicken. It’s kind of worth it even if the entire house reeks of radish kimchi and no amount of laughingly flapping at the air in the general direction of the open window can salvage how everything stinks.

It’s also the kind of thing that feels a bit like a dream. The kind of thing you don’t really know is happening until you are jolted out of it.

She forgets about all of this until it happens again, hearing Seulgi speak on the phone in rapid-fire Japanese. She remembers that Seulgi learned Japanese after watching a bunch of anime shows in her early teens. Then she begged her father to send her to more classes. It’s a friend. From you know, Japan – haven’t I told you about her?

It grates at her every time she takes the subway. Korean. English. Mandarin. Japanese. Every time she reads the map and traces her way along the colourful sprawl of lines, she’s reminded that there’s something that she doesn’t know about Seulgi’s life. And god, again, there’s that godawful knowledge that she’s not supposed to feel like this at all. Seulgi has her own damned life to live and she’s not a part of you, not in that way.

She turns that thought over. Why does she feel this incessant need to know and want her so badly? Is it because she simply likes to own things? But she’s not… not a dragon. Not the kind to hoard gold. And Seulgi certainly is gold – precious and something you never wanted to lose. Brilliant in all her radiance. Could it be that some part of her hates that Seulgi makes her feel so strongly about everything, and it’s…

Joohyun sighs as she stuffs her wallet into her pocket. Uncomfortable truths aren’t the best way to start her morning.   

––––––––––––––––––––

The dreams make her jolt out of bed.

They are almost theatrical, the kind that seems to shatter the fourth wall in how violently real they feel. They’re like a familiar cinematic reel, scratchy in some parts but altogether too vivid and it’s like being captivated by a locomotor train as the reel clicks its way through her dreams. Sometimes the tapes jerk forwards and it’s the blurry shapes and soft chatter of the voices that get to her. A hand not quite fully formed that reaches for her. A smile not quite there.

A face she cannot see.

Then there is the shouting. The half-drawn screams of anger. An accent that sounds like hers but no, she’s never heard those voices before, has she? The murderous cry of a furious patriarch, the slam of a fist against the table, the glass that shatters as something whizzes past her head.

None of that’s happened, she knows.

Is it bad if she has always hoped otherwise?

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

It tips and the jar shatters on the ground. Water spills out onto the carpet.

The flowers are going to leave a stain.

====================================

“Seulgi,” she murmurs as she shifts her legs against the younger girl’s. “How many stars do you think there are in the sky?”

Seulgi blinks, extremely blurrily. “A lot. Why?”

“Dunno. Just wondering, I guess.”

“Go ask Sooyoung or something. Actual astrophysicists in the making would have better brains for this question,” Seulgi’s voice is thick with sleep as she shifts to lean her head against Joohyun’s shoulder. As Seulgi exhales, a gust of her warm breath ghosts over Joohyun’s bare shoulder. Seulgi’s nose nudges Joohyun’s neck lightly. “Are you having trouble falling asleep?”

“Yeah. I guess. Was counting stars. Counting the satellites, more like, but you know.”

Seulgi groans a little as she pulls herself out of her slumber. It’s one of the things that Joohyun’s long envied about her, the way she could just fall asleep whenever and wherever she wanted to.

“I’ll count them with you, would you like that?” Seulgi pulls herself free from Joohyun and sits up. “I mean, I can’t really see—” she squints a bit as she stares up at the sky. “But that looks like one star. Or two. Or three. Or three satellites. You get it.”

“You don’t have to, Seul.”

“Nah. I’ll stay awake with you.”

“Don’t you have a test tomorrow?”

“It’s in the afternoon anyway. In my 4pm class. It’s good, I’ve studied for that. But you? You aren’t ready to go to bed at all. Anything on your mind?”

A lot of things. Really. But it’s… it’s okay. Not now. She’s not ready to articulate all of them now.

So she too sits up. And pulls herself behind Seulgi, tucking her head into the crook between Seulgi’s neck and arms.

––––––––––––––––––––––

She’s like fire.

Hard to contain, hard to ascertain her next move: a constantly changing, excited thing.

As with everything with Seulgi, there is nothing that she can really predict.

The only thing she knows for a certain is how unpredictable everything can be. She knows most of Seulgi’s habits. She knows that Seulgi likes to take things slowly, to think about things and mull them over. She knows that Seulgi takes a hundred years to get out of bed when she doesn’t feel like it. But she also knows that Seulgi moves quickly and sharply when she wants to. That Seulgi doesn’t do things in halves. That she gives everything and consumes it all when she so desires.

She thinks she should’ve seen it coming.

Seulgi comes up to her, bouncing on her toes.

“Joohyun,” she breathes. “Come on. I want to.”

Joohyun pulls away, as if scalded. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I...”

“I mean, you don’t have to tell them. Come on, if you don’t ever try, we’d never—”

“Seul,” she repeats warningly. “Drop it.”

“Okay, okay!” Seulgi holds her hands up in surrender. “I got it. Anyway. I might need to head out tonight. I’m sorry. A classmate of mine needs help with her part of the project. It’s a really huge part of our grade and I hate that I have to go—”

“Just go.”

“I’m… Are you mad at me?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Joohyun—”

“Just go. Can you leave me alone, just for a bit?”

“I don’t know, don’t really want you to stew alone with your own thoughts for too long… do you mind if Seungwan comes over then?”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me with my own company?”

“Oh, no, no, no, no. It’s just. Seungwan’s said that she misses your company! Would be good for you guys to spend time together, some one-on-one girl time?”

She sighs. “And I don’t suppose I can say no?”

“I mean. You could. But it’s also kind of pathetic if I’m ditching you to do a project and then I’ll be somewhere out there knowing that all you’re planning on doing all night is to pull up the blankets and maybe watch some Netflix, which, yes, is perfectly fine and good, don’t get me wrong…”

“I get it, fine, fine. I’ll text Seungwan on the g.c. Is there anything else?”

“I’m sorry, by the way, for bringing it up again.”

“It’s fine, Seul.” There’s no anger in her voice anymore. “Just… don’t come back too late?”

“I’ll try! Bye, Joohyun. Love you.”

Joohyun misses the look of concern that flashes on Seulgi’s troubled face before Seulgi scuffles out of their apartment.  

==========

One afternoon, Seulgi looks up from her cup of caramel macchiato and asks, “Hey, Hyun, are we good?”

Joohyun’s brow rises. “Why would we not be?”

==========

She sees her as she drowns.

Her head crashes. It’s dark. She wants Seulgi. She doesn’t want Seulgi.

It’s wrong. It’s wrong. It’s wrong. It’s wrong to want. It’s wrong.

Joohyun. Joohyun. Joohyun. You have to do this. You have to do that.

Joohyun, why are you grades slipping? Joohyun, why are you being so difficult? How could you even think of such a thing? Joohyun, how could you have forgotten what we’ve taught you all this time? How could you forget about us? Joohyun, you don’t deserve all this that we’ve given you. Joohyun, how could you lie to us like this? We’ve clothed you, fed you, paid for your college fees, your exorbitant Exchange fees… Joohyun, don’t you feel like you’ve let us down? We can’t accept these kinds of people, Joohyun, don’t you know? Don’t have friends like that. It’s wrong.

You are wrong, Bae Joohyun.

Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun, Joohyun—

She gasps as she tears herself above the sludge.

Joohyun’s hands clench around the blankets and she wants to scream and wretch her entire throat out. To throw all this out of her.

Seulgi appears, finally, she’s bright, warm, and Joohyun tugs herself free from Seulgi’s too-hot touches.

She pretends she doesn’t see the hurt that crosses Seulgi’s face as she forcefully swallows the poison rising in .

But Seulgi doesn’t hold back, doesn’t take a damned hint. Her hand grips Joohyun’s arm, tightly.

“Joohyun? Are you okay?”

She wipes at her eyes. She wants to tell her the truth, to beg and to scream for help. But what she wants to say gurgles and dies, sinks to the bottom of her very being.

And instead, what she spits out is, “This? This is wrong.”

“Joohyun,” Seulgi sighs, but the infinite patience in her voice makes Joohyun sink deeper into herself. “You… you can tell me anything. Did they say something?”

Her lungs are screaming for air. “No. Leave me alone, okay?”

This is wrong, Joohyun. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

She lets the tears flow from her eyes. Because oh god, Seulgi doesn’t deserve to have this inflicted upon her all the time. Why should this girl, this star, stick around her? She’s not deluded enough to think that she’s perfect.

“Joohyun, I… You can tell me anything.”

She chokes on a sob. “Please. I… I’m not…” Seulgi shifts a little and wraps Joohyun in her hug. She burns, but right now, Joohyun feels like her dreams have frozen her very core. She leans into Seulgi.  Stars are bright, a ball of flames that she hopes engulfs her.

“Distract me,” Joohyun commands. “Please.”

“Okay. Can I play with your hair? I love your hair, unnie. It’s very soft. Smells great. How does everything you own smell like lavender? Don’t you get tired of it? Nah, it’s okay, you don’t have to answer that.

“We could also bake together someday soon? Seungwan’s insisting that I learn how to get better at existing in the kitchen – she’s inviting us over to bake one day, by the way. Anyway, I’ll make you some food this weekend and do the dishes, okay? If you don’t have any preferences, I’ll just make sujebi. Do you actually like the sujebi I make?

“Also. Unnie. I’ve been meaning to say this for a while, but that sweater you bought the other day is kind of ugly.”

“What?” Joohyun suddenly cuts in. “You think that sweater’s ugly?”

“It really kind of is. You never buy anything that colourful, but now that you’ve actually bought something with colour on it it’s a sweater that looks like vomit? I mean come on, it’s that awkward weird brownish beige colour with all those colourful splotches on it. Nothing good is going for it,” Seulgi determines, rather baldly.

Joohyun gasps for a bit, pulling away from Seulgi’s embrace to let Seulgi know just how much of her sense of scandalisation has made its way onto her face. For a second, they stare at each other before Joohyun gives a watery laugh.

“You make a fair point, Seulgi. But what do I do with it?”

“I mean. You could wear it. You’d still look good in it,” Seulgi points out. “But…”

“I won’t. Don’t worry.”  

==========

Seungwan shows up at their place that weekend, a Tupperware full of cookies in one hand and a book in the other.

“Wannie!” Joohyun greets as she throws the door open, smiling, but somewhat confused. “Seulgi didn’t tell me that you were coming over.”

“Yeah, well, I brought cookies?”

“Thanks? I mean, yes, thank you for the cookies, but… Are you okay?” It’s not like Seungwan to pop over unannounced. And if Seulgi’s planned it, she’d probably have said so.

“Well, Seulgi didn’t tell you? She’s going to be running late tonight. Meeting at school’s gonna drag because their video project is taking longer than expected, fiddling around with Premiere Pro takes forever you know. Heard she’s pretty happy that it’s materialising as well as they’ve hoped, so they’ve decided to take a few more hours in the com labs to get it done… But yeah, I’m here! She feels bad that she’s going to have to ditch dinner with you tonight, so we volunteered me as your Saturday night dinner buddy.”

“They?” Her query comes out a bit more sharply than she intended it to.

“Oh.” Seungwan’s eyes widen a little, rather comically. “Her groupmate. Think her name’s Sakura? Like for the flower? But yeah. Anyway, do I just leave the cookies on the counter?” Seungwan moves towards the kitchen. “I’m rearranging the on your counter okay? God, it’s such a mess! Aren’t you usually neater than this?”

“Seulgi knocked over some stuff the last time she cooked ramyeon,” Joohyun explains with a roll of her eyes. She purses her lips as she finally admits, “I’ve just been a bit tired lately, and yeah well Seulgi seems busy so neither of us has had the time to tidy it.”

“I’ll handle it! So, what do you want for dinner?”

Entering the kitchen, she props herself on the side of the counter. “I dunno. Seulgi was gonna make sujebi.” The thought of having takeout sujebi makes her tongue taste bitter. “But I want something else now, I guess. We can open MangoPlate and just go with whatever you’re feeling?”

Seungwan looks up at Joohyun, and for a moment, she thinks she sees pity in her friend’s eyes. But that moment is gone so quickly she might as well have imagined it. Certainly, Seungwan’s “okay!” is as chipper as it is usually. But still. She scratches at her wrist. Still.

==========

That day, her insides feel like freshly frozen ice. All her intestines are twisted in the worst way, in the way that feels like they are simultaneously tangled and cutting into each other. Knotted chunks of ice that chip at her veins. Her cold blood slowing, becoming viscous as it threatens to pull her down into the marshes.

God, but she doesn’t feel anything.

You don’t deserve this.

She should feel bad. Should feel bad since Seulgi gave her those flowers. But right now? She doesn’t really give a damn. Right now, she’s more concerned about not pulling her nails out and right now, she’s more concerned that she doesn’t tear her skin off.

God, help her.

Their voices ring in her head again. She knows that she’s going to have to do the right thing.

Seulgi’s going to be late again. Loath as she is to leave the house, to even bump into one noisy, overly perky pedestrian on the streets, she’s going to have to do it. Now. Else she’ll never find enough in her to do it again.

She in a breath as she pulls her boots on, shutting the door behind her with a slam. An orange cab stops for her soon enough. The driver looks at her with vague concern. The old man tries to talk to her, ask her if she’s alright. She’s fine. Fine enough. The driver can tell that she’s lying, but anyone who’s not just kicked their way out of their mother’s wombs could tell. Heck, he’s probably got more than fifty years of experience of calling out a stranger’s bull.

“She doesn’t deserve this,” Joohyun finally says.

There’s some sympathy in his eyes. Too bad that she’ll never see him outside of his rear-view mirror ever again. She clenches her fists before she fishes out a wad of cash before they even arrive on campus and insists that he keeps the change.

Their campus is closer than she remembers. Seulgi finally replies to her text message, her surprise evident, because [oh, you’re coming to meet me in school?]

When she finally steps off the car onto the campus grounds, she takes three seconds to realise that her legs are shaking.

She in a breath.

She doesn’t want to do it. But she has to. Her lungs feel like collapsing on her. She has to. She has to do it.

From: Seul <3

[20:02] [Give me a moment? Sakura and I are still settling some stuff!!]

Joohyun bites on her lip. Term’s over. They don’t even have a school project with each other anymore. That bothers her, but no… no it’s not really that either.

(So many things bother her, but they’re not really because of Seulgi. Seulgi’s done no wrong, has she?)

It’s dark out and the campus is nearly devoid of people, given that it’s the end of the semester. The wind is gusty tonight, and even though it’s already July, she’s glad that she tried to put on a layer of flannel. She idly notes that their university’s position on a hillside probably makes it more susceptible to the elements.

She waits on the slope behind one of the buildings, squatting down to fiddle about with some of the fallen leaves. She keeps her gaze pointed at the upper floors of the building next door, studying the patterns of the graffiti lining the grey walls. One of them reads this world, get me out of here, and she privately cannot hope to agree more.

Seulgi finally appears, a bright smile on her face.

“Joohyun-ie!” she calls out as she runs up to her. “Sorry to have kept you waiting.” Her hand slips into Joohyun’s own. “You had… something to say?” She doesn’t miss the note of worry this time. “Whatever it is, can we go to Sulbing? You can pick!”

“Patbingsoo,” she replies instantaneously. Unknot. Unwind. Oh god. She shouldn’t, she’s supposed to get this done and behind her.

“Oh lord, you’re such an old lady.” Seulgi laughs, her shoulders shaking in her amusement.

I can’t.

==========

There is no screaming match. Nothing overly dramatic. Nothing like what Joohyun really envisioned.

She’s not sure what she expected, really. Or hoped. Maybe she hoped that they would scream at each other and tear each other apart and then one of them would flee the scene, leaving the shreds of themselves on the ground behind them. There’s no Seulgi, crying as she tried to formulate a sentence to fully express actual vehemence at her. No Seulgi drawing up all that bottled up hurt to hurl at her. Perhaps she wanted something violent, something to signify how they’ve damaged each other in such irrevocable ways that they’ll never want to find the pieces of each other to put themselves back together.

But there’s none of that.

She comes home to a darkened apartment, drenched to the bones from the pouring rain outside. In her exhaustion, she stumbles and knocks the jar off the windowsill.

It falls.  

The jar is in a million shards on the floor.

Seulgi jumps, her eyes widening as she sees Joohyun standing at the bedroom door. Her next action is to move in front of her suitcases, as if she’s trying to hide them from Joohyun. But she knows she doesn’t successfully manage to do so.

Instead of greeting her or acknowledging what she’s attempting to do, Seulgi tries, “Do you want any help cleaning that up? ”

Joohyun stares at her, slack-jawed.

“Seulgi,” she pushes out, her voice strained. “You… I… We…”

Joohyun hears Seulgi swallow, loudly. She in a deep, shuddering breath before she finally says, “I think we need a break.”

“What?”

“Yeah. You heard me. I don’t think… We aren’t really making each other happy anymore, are we? But… I don’t want to lose you. I love… I love you.”

She wants to say that she loves her back to. But that wouldn’t help. It’s not helped them in the past couple of months. It’s not going to salvage anything now.

She nearly chokes on the words. But she manages. Manages this time.

Joohyun, shaking her head: “I think we should break up. A break’s not going to do us any good, is it?”

“I… I…” She’s never heard Seulgi sound more confused. And her heart clenches so tightly that all she wants to do is to cry and wrap Seulgi in a hug, but… no. She mustn’t. She cannot. Seulgi turns away, looks down. She doesn’t look Joohyun in the eyes. Then, she inserts as much chirp into her voice as she can, but her voice cracks when she finally replies, “Yeah, I’m ahead of you. I’ll be out of your hair before you know it.”

For a long moment, neither of them really knows what to do. Is Joohyun supposed to help Seulgi pack? Are they supposed to stare at their mutual purchases and wonder who takes custody of the cutlery? Are they supposed to associate in perfect civility henceforth?

Her textbooks have never mentioned anything to handle any of this.

Seulgi’s indeed ahead of her. Before panic can constrict , she hears a sharp zipping noise and Seulgi hefts her luggage up.

“I’ll be back for the rest of the stuff within the week. If you don’t mind, leave my stuff in a box by the door?”

With that, she drags her luggage out of the house, the wheels clacking as they move from carpet to wood and then to the grey cement floors as Seulgi finally exits the apartment. The electronic door beeps thrice. Seulgi left without shutting the cover to the number pad. She always forgets, when she’s in a hurry.

Joohyun sinks to the floor. She’ll deal with the door later. Her eyes shut. She shivers in her wet clothes.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

She’s thrown away all her lemon-scented products. Got rid of the lavender.

What she remembers most about that period are the smells of everything. The bitter tang of lemon. The thin scent of lavender that clings to everything they shared. The thick full weight of rainy air, the sort of feeling that fills your nostrils and wells up inside your lungs. They roll and curl up inside of her and for ten long seconds she forgets the need for oxygen as her body craves for something else entirely.

She remembers the tears. She remembers leaning her throbbing forehead against the cool glass pane, watching the rain drops run into tracks of water against the window, distracting herself from the heat of their argument. At night, when the rain stops and the air clears, she throws the windows open, shuddering. It’s cold and altogether too quiet. It’s still raining and she’s not here for her anymore.

あの日の悲しみさえ あの日の苦しみさえ
そのすべてを愛してた あなたとともに
胸に残り離れない 苦いレモンの匂い
雨が降り止むまでは帰れない
切り分けた果実の片方の様に
今でもあなたはわたしの光

A/N: also in case it’s not obvious, the staff in italics + demarcated by single line breaks are seulgi’s pov, not joohyun’s. [also yes things... will not be... this depresso in the next chapter]

The lyrics are from the song, Lemon, by Kenshi Yonezu, plucked from: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/%E7%B1%B3%E6%B4%A5%E7%8E%84%E5%B8%AB/Lemon/translation/english

Even the sadness of those days, even the pain of those days
I loved every bit of it, with you by my side
In my heart, never coming out, is the bitter smell of lemon
I can’t go home until the rain lets up
Like one half of a split fruit
Even now, you are my light