Chapter III: D-Day

 

 

Seoul, SM Entertainment, Spring 2007.

 

It was a beautiful spring night. The warm breezes, the clear sky, the magical cherry blossom, but somehow, Seohyun felt none of that was for her to enjoy, as she looked around the practice room and saw similar expressions on the faces of  ... well, she could not find one exact word to describe their little group of girls in the room. The practice had ended an hour ago, but some still stayed to work on their own problems. They were all candidates for the new SM girl group, so they were supposed to be competitors, competing for a place to debut. At the same time, they were expected to work as a team, because some of them would eventually be a team for a very long time. In the “team”, whatever the word may mean, some she had been friends with, some she had known as those girls had been trainees for way too long that it was impossible not to know them, and some were complete strangers. There had been so many rotations in this class, the “debuting class", as people entered and got removed, sometimes re-entered and then removed again, that she stopped looking for new faces after the first couple of times. Seohyun had started to look for familiar faces, those who had been there since the start. It was heart-broken that the number got smaller and smaller, but she was secretly happy at the same time, because she was one of those faces, never got removed even once. 

However, she was not sure if she would survive this round. The competition got more intense everyday, the girls got better with every practice, and she...she had no chance to catch a breath, to know whether or not she would make it. The feeling that she would get removed had never be as strong as tonight. Every single one of them was scolded for failing to deliver, but she was criticized severely for her singing to the point that the teacher told her that she would never got to debut if she sang like that. And worse, she did not know how she should sing to satisfy the teacher. 

“Are you leaving soon?” Yoona, one of the girls who had a 99% chance at debuting,suddenly touched her shoulder.

“I am not sure.” Seohyun replied simply. They were not particularly close, but they were good friends as they had worked together before. “Are you leaving, Yoona unnie?”

Yoona shook her head and looked out of the window. “I want to, but I can’t.”

“You will get to debut, why even bother?” A girl Seohyun had not remembered the name suddenly spoke, her voice full of jealousy. “Stop pretending that you even tried.”

Seohyun turned to watch Yoona, the girl was trying to hold back the tears and she immediately reached out to squeeze the girl’s hand. Yoona practiced as hard as everyone else, Seohyun knew that, but sometimes people overlooked it. 

“Our teachers knew I tried.” was Yoona curt response, as she squeezed Seohyun’s hand back.

“All because of your face.” Another girl who Seohyun barely remembered her face joined in. 

“Well, then try to be reborn with her face.” 

Yuri, who was quite close to Yoona, stepped in. She stood protectively in front of Seohyun and Yoona, her hands on her hips, like putting the two little girls under her wings.

“We don’t even know if she was born with that face.”

“That’s unacceptable to say.” Seohyun decided that it was enough and she needed to speak up. The girls from the other side snorted and brushed her off as the usual quiet, unharmful kid, but her next words shoot right to the point. “Please go back to practice, jealousy will not help you to debut.”

“You...the teacher said you would not get to debut.” The girl shouted.

Seohyun bit her lips and tried not to react, but her face turned pale at the words. Their teacher never said anything similar to her, even though she had heard that phrase directed at other people multiple times. 

“You two are loud.” Hyoyeon, a popular trainee, the one whom everyone had to know because her training time was one of the longest, probably heard the argument and decided to intervene. “Practice or get out of here.”  

At her words, everyone got quiet. If Yoona had a 99% of debuting, then Hyoyeon and Jessica had 110% the chance at that. They were the unofficial leaders of the girls due to their training time and their acknowledged skills. Even when they do not debut in this group, they would get solo or other chances. It was a known fact that they were chosen. 

As the other girls left to another corner, while Yuri and Yoona simply thanked Hyoyeon, Seohyun bowed slightly, which made the older girl chuckled

“Drop it, really. We have known each other for so long, of course I won’t watch them abuse you.”

Seohyun just held the girl’s arm and smiled gratefully, but firmly shook her head

“You are my sunbae, Hyoyeon unnie.”

“Forget what the teacher said, you’ll make it.” Hyoyeon tried to cheer the little girl up, because to be honest, she much preferred this humble girl over the other loud and obnoxious competitors.

Yuri and Yoona nodded in agreement, they also hoped that Seohyun would make the cut, because at least they had known each other for quite a while. Seohyun understood their good intention, but it was not really helpful at the moment. She did not want to throw cold water on them, so when they asked if she would like to join them for dinner as they decided to leave, she politely told them that she would stay behind and clean the practice room. The truth was that she just wanted to be alone. 

 

However, her alone time was intruded by an unexpected visit of no other than her most favorite oppa in all of SM Ent.: Shim Chang Min.

“I thought you may have left, but on second thought, I know you are probably practicing for the new girl group, so I decided to check anyway. How's thing going?”

“I'm about to leave now. Nothing special. Just a lot of practice. How about you?”

Seohyun answered politely. She knew she should sound happier, but she simply couldn't when her heart was full of sadness.

“A lot of work that I can't even remember.” Changmin shrugged, but his eyes lit up the next moment. “My last cheat meal, my manager got me burgers from a new place and they had fried goguma. We can try that together, right?”

She tried her best to smile, she swore, because she was really touched by his effort at remembering her in the midst of his hectic schedule. And it made her feel worse at the thought that one day she had to bid goodbye to him as she failed to make the cut and had to leave SM.

“Of course, oppa.” 

Changmin had realized that something was not fine as he saw through the mask that his little girl tried to put on. He was no longer just a teenage boy, instead he had debuted long enough to be able to tell when it was fake and not genuine smile. He thought some encouragement and assurance might help.

“Are you tired of the practice? Don't overwork yourself, you will be in the group.”  

He was quite cheerful that day and Seohyun knew that she should not place her burden on his shoulders, which had already been carrying many things, even those that she had not experienced. However, hearing that was like opening a bottleneck in her emotion and she could not control herself from letting them all out.

“Changmin oppa.” Seohyun could feel the tears streaming down and things started to get blurry. “I will not.”

“Hey, hey,...” Changmin had two little sisters, but to be honest, he was not an expert in dealing with crying girls. Not at all. “Don't cry, please. Tell me what's wrong, Joohyunie?”

“The teacher said I would not get to debut.”

“He just said that so you will try harder.” He took a step closer to pat her back gently and awkwardly. “He said that all the time to me.”

Seohyun shook her head.

“It is not the same. You have the talent. I don’t.”

Sometimes Changmin hated how his sister could get so stubborn that convincing her was an arduous task. 

“You do.” was the only thing that he could come up with at the moment.

Seohyun did not know why she could not stop the tears coming out. Or the words.

“And I don't even know if I was a fit for this. I really don't know, oppa.”

Seohyun sat down and put her head between her legs as she thought about the argument earlier that night and cried even more. It happened all the time and she knew it was not going away after she debuted. It would become worse, because it was how this entertainment industry worked. The opportunities and resources were too limited, the rewards were too irresistible that the competition was too fierce and failure was life-crushing. She did not know if she could make it to the end. And what was the true end of this journey was another question that she did not have time to think of. 

“I didn't know that either, Joohyun-ah.” Changmin sat down next to her and answered quietly. “But you would never know for sure if you do not try it out yourself.”

She made no reply but Changmin knew she was listening.

“This road is not easy, but nothing is ever easy, Joohyun-ah. Remember ballet, piano, the two things that you wanted to do before all this? None of that is easy if you want to become a world-class artist.”

“How about you, oppa?” Seohyun asked quietly. She did not elaborate, but Changmin understood, because they had quite a few heartfelt conversations like this since the day they got to know each other.

“Difficult. Extremely even, sometimes. You'll just get used to it, I guess.”

“Have you ever thought of quitting?”

“Quite a few times.” Changmin looked out of the window and spoke, not sure if he was answering to his Joohyun or just simply talking to himself. “But whenever I looked at my hyung, my fans and the people who have worked so hard, day and night, to ensure the name DBSK would shine, I thought of no reason to quit.”

Seohyun looked at him for a long moment silently. She could not fully comprehend his feelings or his thought, but at least she felt better.

“You are almost there, Joohyun-ah. Tell yourself that you only need to try a tiny little bit more, and you will make it. You have gone so far not to give up.”

“What if I don't…” Seohyun had to stop to breath in, but when the words came out, it was still barely audible “...make it?”

“You can be a pianist, right?” Changmin looked at her deeply in the eyes and answered firmly. “I’m sure you have 3 other back up plans already. Or at least that's the Joohyun I know.”

Seohyun smiled. He knew her so well, she had come up with other plans, including being a pianist, but that was not the real question.

“Don't worry, I’ll get you our signature for sales if you need some pocket money.” Seeing his effort had worked, Changmin looked at her teasingly. “You have my numbers, don't you? You can sell that too.”

“Changmin oppa.” Seohyun chuckled and felt the burden in her shoulders had been lifted significantly. Just a small bit still lingered. “I don't know what to do next.” 

“Breath.” He answered as a matter of fact. “You have to breath next to live, right?”

Seohyun wanted to roll her eyes at his answer, but the next thing he said reminded her of the exact reason why she did not cry in front of her “teammates", but in front of him.

“When we first met, I was not sure what to do, you told me that you wanted to become an idol someday. What's about you today, Joohyun-ah?”

Changmin had always been so caring toward her, since the first day they met. They entered the company almost at the same time, so they were both new and were in a few sessions together, which made them ending up with tons of training topics to talk about. After that, things got heated up among trainees, but they never had any conflict of interest. So naturally, it was easier to open up to each other and then, before they realized how close they were, it had became a habit for both of them to continue sharing their thoughts and emotions about not only the training, but also their life.

“I still want to sing, oppa.”

Seohyun turned to look at him, the determination to let the whole world hear her voice that once had impressed Changmin was back, and Changmin finally breathed in relief

“Do it, Joohyun-ah. Remember when you told me to push all the negative comments aside and focus on what is important? I did it, now it's your turn.”

“Easier said than done.”

She mumbled and Changmin chuckled.

“Now I know why you are frustrated when I don’t listen to your words. I promise I will cut down on unhealthy food.” Changmin rolled his eyes. “Not like my manager doesn't scream every time I have even 1 fry.”

Seohyun chuckled as Changmin ruffled her hair.

“Don't cry so sudden next time, oppa had a heart attack.”

“I'm sorry for troubling you.” Her cheeks heated up as she realized that she lost control of her emotion and she probably took a lot of his time. “Oppa should go back and rest.”

As Changmin stood up to leave, he looked her solemnly in the eyes. 

“I will wait so that we can perform together on stage one day, whether you are an idol or a pianist or anything, Joohyunie.”

At that moment, she was not sure what to respond, so she hugged him tightly to tell him she was grateful to have a brother like him, one whom she had always secretly wished for but never got until he appeared. 

“Don't work too hard, oppa, so I can catch up with you. Tell me if you are tired, too.”

Changmin hugged her back and smile indulgently at her random words. Joohyun was just like his family, telling him to rest, to take care of himself and never for once ask him for any favor. She could have asked him if he could say something or ask around if her name was on the list. Instead she just poured her heart out to him. Probably that was why they could have been this close, even when he had debuted and she was just a trainee.

“Don't worry, kid. We will both be fine.”

Seohyun looked out of the window, the clear sky, the warm breezes, the beautiful cherry blossom, they were telling her what Changmin had said. It would all be fine.

 

The next day, when Changmin was stealing the food from Yoochun’s dishes because Jaejong finally had sometimes to cook and Changmin could not have enough of it, Yunho suddenly screamed as he read the message that just came in

“Hey, they finalized the new girl group. Our managers just messaged me their profiles.”

“Did Sica make it?” Jaejoong voiced out his concern.

“How about Yoona? I made a bet with Hyukjae that she would make it.” Junsu looked at Yunho hopefully, as if his whole life was dependent on it.

Changmin did not bother to tease his hyung as usual when the answer was so obvious, probably because even when he knew the obvious answer, he could not help but worry. He dropped all the food and checked his phone. His brows furrowed tighter and tighter as he scanned the message that Yunho sent over. He had scrolled past the first five profiles and his Joohyun was not in there yet. 

“Want some more?” Jaejong had got the confirm that Sica made it, so he turned his attention to his maknae and for the first time, Changmin had ignored the call of food.

“Who is he looking for?”

“Joohyunie.” Yunho answered. “She should be in there. We even did a photoshoot together.”

“Well,...” Before Yoochun could open his mouth and said anything unlucky, Changmin glared at him and he shut his mouth immediately.

However, Changmin did not need to scroll further to find her, as a message from Joohyun came in and lighten up his mood after being woken up so early in the morning.

“Oppa, I am in. Thank you for talking to me yesterday.” 

And Changmin was happier than when he knew he would get to debut.