At the age of ten, memories of my past lives would slowly start to seep in.

First, it would just be split-second flashes that would feel vaguely familiar. It would happen right out of the blue and as a kid, I’d always think they’re just something I’ve seen somewhere triggered by a certain circumstance – a deja vu, if I may. 

I’d think nothing of it and casually sweep it under the rug.

Then, it would come in surges that would leave me in a trance, a dreamlike vision of a long forgotten past. They all come in no particular order which makes the whole process even more confusing. The experience itself is excruciatingly unexplainable and overwhelming for someone so young that sometimes I would resort to asking my parents about it. But then they would say the visions were nothing but recurring dreams – or nightmares, for that matter. 

Although sometimes, they do come in the form of dreams.

There were times when I would hear a deafening roar of an engine and see the blinding afternoon sun just beyond the horizon. It would feel like I was soaring across the painted sky until I feel my stomach drop and hear a loud crash just before everything turns pitch black and I wake up in a cold sweat.

It would always be the same dream, like a broken roll of film playing on loop until I realize it was how I died in my first life – or how I killed myself, rather.

I sped over a cliff overwhelmed by the pain and frustration that I had to endure. I was driven mad and had nowhere else to go because no one understood me anyway.

In the next lives, there was an incessant longing for something I couldn’t place – a crippling devastation without a viable reason. My heart would physically ache leaving me curled up crying myself to sleep. It was as if my heart was falling apart from being incomplete; that a crucial piece of it has been missing a long time ago and has yet to be found. 

Until I realize it was you whom I was missing. 

That my heart has been aching because it’s been incomplete without you – my missing piece.

The pain of losing you and the overwhelming confusion of recalling my past life mashed into dreams – blurring the line between reality and insanity – was more than enough to drag me into an endless pit of darkness and misery.

How Thelma and Louise of me, right? 

Except, there was no Louise.

There was no Bomi.

No you.

And that’s what killed me.

“Finals are next week. Why are you here?”

It was more of a curt lecture than an actual question. But even with that reasonable point, she still poured me a glass of my regular albeit reluctantly.

After twenty-three years on my fourth lifetime, I’ve already remembered most of my previous lives – the important ones at least. If there’s one good thing from all this, it’s the fact that I can ace college without breaking a sweat. 

By this time, studying until high school had become more of a hobby than an actual necessity. And I’d only have to study a few courses in college – just the ones I was majoring in at a given lifetime. It’s not at all bad since it does keep university life interesting at least. 

When you’ve spent lifetimes going from one university to another, it’s bound to get boring. 

She slid my glass in front of me and I murmured and inaudible ‘thanks’.

“You’re looking extra sulky tonight. Did something happen?”

I let out a dry chuckle. This is how I’ve been spending my nights since everything came around on my second lifetime: drowning myself in alcohol in some dingy bar, having bartenders listen to all my ramblings.

The only difference is that I could handle it better now.

Or at least I try to.

“Am I not always like this?” I challenged, brows raised and eyes never leaving the swirling golden liquid in my glass.

“You are.” She deadpanned. “I asked why are you extra sulky.”

Because it’s your birthday. At least, it’s the one you had in my first life.

“Is that even possible?” I retorted.

The bartender leaned over the counter, propping her elbows and clasping her hands a mere few inches from my drink. “You tell me, Rong.” I could feel her eyes boring holes through my skull. “It’s about her again, isn’t it?”

I can’t even deny it for the life of me.

It’s always been about you. 

I slowly met her gaze; there’s no point in pretending now, is there? 

“It’s nothing, Naeun. I just miss her, that’s all.”

I took a sip from my glass, wincing at the strong burning sensation cutting through my throat.

Three lifetimes and I’m still not used to it.

Three lifetimes and I’m still a mess.

Three lifetimes and I’m still missing you.

“You always do.” She sighed, pushing herself upright. “Tell you what, try to keep yourself sober until after my shift and I’ll join you tonight.” Her smile was hopeful and her eyes reflected its sincerity. Unlike my previous lives following my loss, I have found a confidant in this life.

I nodded and emptied my glass in one go, hissing like it’s my first time all over again. 

Shaking her head, she reluctantly poured some more.

“You know, you should really change your drink.” She frowned. “You don’t even like it.”

“I do like it.” Perking up in defiance only to drop my shoulders back down.

Okay, I don’t.

I never did but it does the job.

She smirked triumphantly and looked at me like I’m some pathetic roadkill before she turned away to cater other patrons. She never gets used to the sight of me drowning myself and oddly enough, I’m grateful for that.

Just like every Friday night, the place was filled with university students trying to stay sane by celebrating the end of another week, or rather have one last go before the start of another hellish one.

There were already a couple of drunk guys loudly singing the university cheer with bottles on their hands. They had their arms slung around one another as an attempt to steady themselves but all they managed to do was sway clumsily. It was entertaining and comical until a brunette was just about to pass through and they all started jeering. 

I gulped down my drink and prepared myself to jump in if things get ugly.

I slammed my glass on the counter a little harder than intended because even the mere thought of being disrespected wherever, whenever, makes my skin crawl. I’m not trying to be a knight in shining armor – god, that’s probably the last thing I want to do. But even at a dingy bar, everyone deserves to be respected. 

I was already on my way over when I realized that they seem to know the brunette in question and after another round of what could only be drunken jesters, the group parted in the middle, making way for the girl. 

I felt relieved. But having to walk closer made me realize how the brunette who stumbled out of the bar seemed familiar. Then again, there are thousands of students at the university, of course she’ll seem familiar. 

Ever since I’ve realized I can recall most of my past lives, there are three things I’ve noticed:

One. I’ve always been given the name Park Chorong and I physically grow up exactly the same – even down to the last strand of hair.

Two. I never meet the same person twice; not by name nor by face. It’s like it’s always a different population. Then again I couldn’t have met everyone in the world to draw that conclusion of course.

Three. I have never been to a century before or after that of my first life; it’s always been just a decade or two making it more like I’m entering one alternate universe to another rather than being reincarnated.

Although these constant observations fundamentally implies that I’ll never see you again, I thought it was interesting to meet new people – grow up with new friends, new families, but most of all, I get to live a different life every time. And I took it as a chance to be a better version of myself, of my previous lives. It’s the least I can do for myself.

“So,” Naeun walked towards me, flinging the rug over the counter rack marking the end of her duty for the night. “What’s it about this time?”

“It’s her birthday today.” I whispered with a bitter smile. 

She made her way around the counter and took the seat beside me. “Rong, you do know that if you miss her that much, you can just talk to her, right?” 

“She’s long gone, Naeun. No matter what I do, I can’t have her back.” I whispered in defeat. 

I can’t have you back. 

That piece of reality has always been my downfall, from my first life until now. It’s like I’m doomed to love you without being able to have you – with or without your existence. 

On second thought, maybe loving you is my hamartia. 

“You always make it sound like it’s been a long time.” She said, voice with a hint of confusion.

I scoffed. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone about my past lives. 

I couldn’t.

I shouldn’t.

I drew a breath, “When you’re missing someone so much, even a second feels like eternity.” 

First day of exam week and it wasn’t much of a challenge for me since the courses I had for the day were actually the ones I’ve taken before.

Piece of cake.

I was able to finish my exams quite early and was just lounging around the grounds watching flustered students shuffle past each other. Exam weeks were always the most interesting part of a student’s life. That is, if you’re from the outside looking in of course. 

An array of students each with their own coping mechanisms scattered across the campus. I’ve always found it amusing how a week as stressful as this never fails to cover the entire range of human emotion. While some had their noses pressed onto a book, others seemed to be a little too carefree, not to mention those who were already on the verge of a breakdown this early in the week. And if anything, the gloomy weather only made it worse.

I was just about to head home and call it a day until my eyes landed on a brunette who was about to cross the street. I couldn’t make up her features since she had half her back towards me, I could only assume she’s reading or was busy with her phone simply because she had her head down. If I didn’t know any better, she’s the same brunette from the bar.

She’s a few steps away from the crossing, she should have her head up by now. 

She should be stopping right at the edge of the street. 

She should be looking both left and right for possible passing cars. 

She should be-

“Watch out!”

Adrenaline and reflex got the best of me and the next thing I knew, my arms were wrapped around her waist protectively. Brunette locks brushed my cheeks and a whiff of her strawberry scented hair filled my lungs. 

It was intoxicating.

But what surprised me the most was how familiar it all felt. How her warmth felt like a long forgotten home I’ve never been able to return to – a home I was forcefully shut out from.

I couldn’t help but hold on a little longer. 

Of course until everything gets awkward. 

“Are you okay?” I loosened my grip, but only just enough to let her breathe – I couldn’t find myself to let go just yet. 

“Oh. Yeah, thank you.” She gently placed her hand on mine, as if gently asking for permission to be released.

But that voice. 

I’d know that voice anywhere.

“B-Bomi?”

My hold faltered and she spun around to face me.

“Huh?” 

I’d like to think I was dreaming, that the lack of sleep has finally taken its toll on me and now my mind was playing cruel tricks. But still I relished at the questionable fact that you’re standing in front of me with the same wide eyes I’ve always known and loved. 

Ever since I started living – existing – without you, all I ever had were dreams of you, visions of you. And I thought I’ve memorized your face by now but I quickly realized how wrong I was. I’ve almost forgotten how much you glow; even under this gloom, you still shine as bright as you did that spring day a couple of lifetimes ago.

I couldn’t help but smile.

You cocked your head ever so slightly to the side, “Do I know you?” Brunette locks brushing over your shoulders and deep brown eyes taunting me. 

“I- I’m sorry. I-”

I barely had enough strength to keep myself from crashing onto you. I’ve always missed your voice but I never realized just how much. Hearing it for the first time in a very long time was enough for me to well up and fall on my knees. But I still have some sense in me, a few precious drops of it.

It was all I could do to keep myself from melting into your arms the way I did three lifetimes ago. 

Three lifetimes and you still have this effect on me.

Three lifetimes – almost two centuries – and you still captivate me. 

“Are you okay?” worried, you took a step closer.

The voice that had just brought me to a trance had brought me out of it. A voice so low and so sincere it’s exhilarating and calming all at once.

You really are the sickness and the cure.

“Oh. Yes. Yes, thank you.” I stammered. “Are you?”

You chuckled, “I just said I am, didn’t I?” 

My cheeks suddenly felt hot. “Right.” I cleared my throat in embarrassment. “Of course.”

Although I wished a thousand times over to see you, I realized I was never prepared to. I never even knew I could to begin with.

“I’m sorry, you just look awfully like someone I know.” I kept my head low even though I know you’ve already seen how furiously red I am on the cheeks. How embarrassing. 

Your sweet giggle chimed in, “That explains it.”

“Explains what?”

“You staring.”

Your smirk was cruelly taunting, the whole of me went into overdrive.

“I wasn’t- I didn’t- ” I sighed as I tried and failed to defend myself. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” You smiled once more. “But I really do have to thank you again…?”

“Chorong.” I blurted out in haste. “Just call me Chorong.”

“Chorong.” You repeated so achingly slow that I felt my heart flutter once again when all it has known was pain. I never thought I’d see the day when my name escapes your lips again. “I’m Bomi.”

“Bomi.”

Could it be that you are my Bomi?

“Were you just about to go home?”

“Yes, I was. I just got distracted from this exam I’ve just taken. I knew I read it but no matter how hard I racked my stupid brain, it refused to recall the stupid answer. I really needed to pass that test you know. Maybe I really shouldn’t have chosen last Friday to try the bar.” You trailed off with your head down and brows furrowed adorably. 

My heart swelled at how you speak to me ever so comfortably – like we’ve known each other for a long time, like nothing has changed.  

Realizing what you’ve just said, you snapped your head back towards me. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have rambled on.”

“That’s alright. I understand, finals are the worst. Everyone’s out of sorts but I’m pretty sure you’ll pass.”

“Thanks.” You sighed out frustration and uncertainty.

I really hate seeing you this way.

“It’s going to be alright.” I bravely took your hand despite how impossibly unsteady mine is. It’s all I could do to give some sort of comfort. 

Brown eyes locked onto mine for a split second before soft lips arched up into a smile. “It’s a good thing you walked by then, Rong.” 

Rong.

The name fell from your lips so naturally that I couldn’t believe for a second that I’ve heard it from you. 

Lips tucked between teeth, I tried not to wonder aloud only to fail miserably, “Would you mind if I walk you home?”

“I actually don’t mind some company. And I really do owe you one.” Suddenly, both your hands were wrapped on mine.

“Y- You don’t owe me anything.”

“But I do!” You whined and I found it hard to believe that you’d still be like this. “How about coffee?” The excitement in your voice is equally exhilarating. 

My heart swelled at the thought of having coffee with you again. I’m beginning to think it’s our thing. 

“Coffee sounds perfect.”

Your eyes lit up like evening stars and set  my soul aflame. 

“Then coffee first it is.”

We walked to the nearest café where I used to frequent when days were slow and dull. 

It was a quaint little rooftop café with a small garden at the balcony; it had one of the best views of Daejeon’s night lights and the perfect place to watch the sunset get caught right in the middle of the Expo Bridge.   

“Is this place okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”

You stopped at the threshold, beaming. “Well for one thing, it’s not that fancy for a date.”

“A date?”

“Yeah. Two people having coffee, is it not a date?” You grinned mischievously and it was so annoyingly cute that I’m beside myself trying not to blush. 

If you really are my Bomi reborn in this world – in this time – with me, I wouldn’t have taken you to be this bold and straightforward. I found myself wondering what else has changed in you.

But most of all, if you remember everything as much as I do.

We settled ourselves at the rooftop, your favorite spot as you have said. Coincidentally, it was my favorite spot too. 

It felt like home, talking to you about everything. It was familiar but at the same time it’s not. I had to constantly remind myself that the person in front of me is not the person I remember her to be.

Yet, it all seemed to start falling into place.

A tea table for two by the vine-wrapped balustrade at the far end of the balcony. The overgrowth made it look like something from Alice’s garden in Wonderland, with just a touch of little white blossoms. The picturesque set up and the golden sunset at the horizon looked like it came straight out of a painting.

“I used to love it here.” I breathed, taking in the last few rays of sunlight.

“Used to?”

“Yeah. I used to go here when I need to think.” Shaking my head, I remember the long days I’ve spent here alone, waiting. “About what I did and didn’t do. What I should have done. What I’m supposed to do.” I sighed, “but those were questions I couldn’t even answer and one day I realized dwelling too much on what’s already happened isn’t going to do me any good so I stopped asking. Then I stopped coming here altogether.” 

My eyes landed on yours and saw a tinge of pain, as if you knew what I was talking about. You looked so solemn and almost apologetic, I might’ve started sobbing if you didn’t catch yourself in time. 

“I like it here too.” Eyes squinting ever so slightly, “it’s a shame though, I think I would’ve like it even more if I knew you went here.” You sounded unbelievably playful yet sincere. 

If I knew you’d be coming around, I would’ve waited a little longer. 

Reaching for my hand across the table, you whispered “Would you like to go somewhere else?”

“It’s fine, Bbom.”

The name slipped, I withdrew my hand.

“What?”

You raised your brows, I feigned innocence.

“What?”

“You just called me ‘Bbom’.”

Right.

“Oh. It’s just that you remind me of spring.”

Now that’s not entirely a lie. You’ve always reminded me of spring. But it doesn’t make it any less unusual for someone you’ve known for just a couple of hours.

“I’m sorry.” I wrapped my hands around my empty cup, keeping my eyes focused on the remaining few drops of coffee just so I wouldn’t look at you. 

“It’s alright, I like it.”

I looked up only to see you looking at me with those eyes, so raw and so alive and so incredibly pure. And I couldn’t stop myself from falling a little deeper, a little harder.

I had to bite my lips lest it gets ripped from smiling too wide, from ear to ear. 

For the first time in a very long time, I truly felt happy beyond words. I finally knew what contentment felt like. I sighed, “It never really matters where a date takes place as long as you’re with good company.”

“Is that so?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the adorable way you always seem to challenge me. 

“Yeah. This is easily the best date I’ve ever had in years.”

“Well I have a feeling I’ll keep proving you wrong.”

Morning light seeps through sheer curtains and birds can finally be heard by the window. It had been raining for days and we were at the mercy of the cold, dark gloom. It’s definitely a breath of fresh air to have the sunlight grace your fair skin again. You’ve been looking under the weather for days now, even when you adamantly told me you’re perfectly fine and that I shouldn’t worry. 

I let you sleep in as I do every day; I adore how you always look so calm and untroubled in your sleep. I’ve been waking up beside you every day for two years and even though it would sound too greedy of me, I’d very much love to wake up beside you for the rest of my years. 

I don’t want to be anywhere else.

“Hey, I made you breakfast.” I whispered, brushing stray locks away from your face. 

You lazily opened your eyes and the first thing you did was smile at me. Just like you do every day. 

“I love you.” 

You made sure it’s the first thing you tell me every morning, and the last every night. Even when we were on the rocks, you never missed a day to say it – not once. And I think that’s enough to make me forget of all those lifetimes I’ve spent in complete misery on my own.

“I love you too.” I breathed as I placed a whisper of a kiss on your fragile lips. “The sun’s out today, let’s go out for a walk by the beach?”

You beamed at me with that toothy smile of yours, eyes disappearing into crescents. Not to mention the tint on your cheeks that was all shades of red. 

Adorable.

I could just cuddle with you and stay in bed all day.

But it was too nice of a day to let it pass. Besides, we’ve had our time in bed for a couple of days, a literal ray of sunshine would do us good. 

It’s been a year since we moved in this beach house away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Away from all the stress and prying eyes. It’s still one of the biggest and most fulfilling decisions we’ve ever made. 

After all, everybody else wanted city lights and fling nights, but all I want is a blanket of stars and you by my side. 

Although the beach is usually packed on a good day, we had it all to ourselves today. Almost as if it was just us in the entire world – with the exception of the feasting seagulls of course. 

And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You were sitting between my legs, leaning comfortably on my chest as we wait for the sunset. My arms were wrapped around you, hands intertwined with yours. You were fiddling with our rings and although you had your back towards me, I knew you were too deep in thought. 

But I let you be. In all the time I’ve known you – in both lifetimes – you were rarely this somber. You have always been the opposite of the word. 

You have always been a sunshine in the rain, a rare bloom in the winter gloom. Your laugher is an amnesiac that makes me forget all the pain, the disappointments, the frustrations, the sadness; it drowns out the tears and the nightmares and leaves me with all things good. But that’s not just your laughter, no – it’s you. Every bit of you.

You have always been – and will always will be – all and everything that is right in a world where everything seems so wrong. 

And I could hold you like this until the end of time. 

I want to hold you like this; in my arms, happy, contented, and full of boundless love on a perfect day. 

Come to think of it, everything about today was perfect – eerily perfect down to the morning eggs and toast. It’s almost as if it’s the calm before the storm. 

Nevertheless, as long as I have you, there isn’t a storm I wouldn’t fight through.

But it doesn’t loosen the knot forming at the pit of my gut.

You let out a breath, “Would you still have loved me if you knew?”

I pulled you closer, held on impossibly tighter and drowned myself in you, “In a heartbeat.”

In a blink of an eye it was just you and I under the stars. The birds were long gone and crashing waves reduced into a mere whisper along the shore. 

“Do you believe in love after death?” I whispered, almost wishing you wouldn’t hear.

“You mean life after death?”

I shook my head against your neck, hoping you’d understand where this is going.

“I guess I do.” You leaned back and turned your eyes towards the stars. “I believe some love can transcend beyond death and across lifetimes.”

“How come?”

You brought my hands to your lips, the lightest of touches but strong enough to tear down walls. “Because someone made me believe it so.”

You took your last breath in my arms that night.

I was Park Chorong, you were Yoon Bomi; it was my fourth lifetime.

You were you but at the same time you weren’t. 

You wore the same smile, the same bright eyes, the same everything; except your hair was brunette instead of blonde. 

You were the same soul I’ve always loved.

Only this time, you loved me back.  

Although our happiness was short-lived, it’s enough to give me hope that I’ll see you again.

Until our next life, I will be waiting.