It’s a sunny spring afternoon and all the flowers were in full bloom. Clouds pranced across the blue sky, and everything around our small piece of heaven seemed to be glowing with you – a perfect day. The whole house was adorned with a variety of blossoms but most of them were bright yellow sunflowers – your favorite. Guests settled down on rustic chairs lined up at the garden, all accented with elegant white lace and baby’s-breath. Everyone’s looking lovely in their Sunday dress despite being utterly beside themselves.

But I knew you’re the most anxious of them all – aside from me, of course. 

It’s been a good ten minutes since Solar nagged us about making people wait, but there’s no need to rush. I want this day to be perfect for you.

The rest of the world can wait – I know I will.

“Ugh. Did I even wear this right?” you asked with that adorable flustered voice of yours. “I want to look as good as you.” You mumbled with a pout all the while trying to flatten your dress with your bare hands, oblivious to the possibility of making more damage rather than actually fixing it. 

You’re such a dummy sometimes, but I love you just the same. 

You’re my dummy. 

“Of course, silly.” 

I held your trembling hands to keep you from ruining the dress with your sweaty palms. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

Because in all honesty, I just want to hold you and never let go. 

After three cycles of uneven breathing – yes, I counted, it was all I could do to keep myself from imploding and crumble upon myself – I felt your hands slip away as you took a step back. 

“Do I look alright?” you asked with the most endearing frown that’s near impossible to resist. 

You always seemed to worry about the things you did by yourself so it was always up to me to fix you up. Sometimes I wonder what will you ever do without me.

But we both know the answer to that – I’ve always had. 

I zipped you up and looked over the intricate piece once more, making sure everything’s good to go. The crystals in your dress reflected the afternoon sun shining through the window, making you look like a gleaming ball of light.

You’re my little ball of light – my lighthouse, my beacon in the dark.

You always tell me how beautiful I am and of course I always reciprocate. Not because it’s the proper social conduct, but because it’s the truth. Because you are so goddamn beautiful and I want you to always see it, especially today. 

“There, all done.”

I took a step back and I tried to take you all in – I always ask myself if you could get any more wonderful and every time, you never fail to surprise me. 

You twirled once and turned towards me without even taking a glance at the mirror. It always seemed like you never trust anything nor anyone other than my opinion of you. But that doesn’t really help, does it? My judgement has always been biased in favor of you, even though sometimes you’re completely unaware of it. 

My breath hitched as I tried and failed to string words together and actually utter them. I was so preoccupied with making your dress spot-on, that for a moment I forgot it has nothing to do with the perfection and grandeur that is you – the whole of you.

In the years I’ve known you, I’ve seen you in sweatpants and hoodies and untamed hair and drool all over your face, and still I’ve always found you beautiful. But today, seeing you in white completely takes my breath away. I don’t know if it’s the lack of air or the words stuck in my throat but I felt like I was choking to near death. But hey, maybe I’ll be your something blue.

“Rong, are you okay?” 

I am.

I want to assure you that I’m okay, that I’m trying to be okay despite the fact that I’m suffocating from your mere presence.

I want to tell you that your worried face is way out of place, and that although you're quite stunning as it is, your smile will perfectly complete the ensemble.

I want to tell you how much you’re glowing right now, that you radiate a thousand suns and it’s almost blinding to behold. How I’d gladly give up my sight if you’re the last thing I’ll ever see.

I’d give up everything for you if you ask me to.

If you let me to. 

“I- You-”

“Bomi!” Someone was ramming at the door. “What the hell is taking you so long? Seeing the bride before the wedding is already unconventional as it is!”

Great, it’s Solar again. I swear, I thought that girl is laid-back. Nonetheless, I was grateful for the interruption – at least I got to breathe again. 

“Park Chorong, I’ve never seen you late in my entire life. You better get your out. Both of you!” 

I winced at her reproof and without even waiting for our response, her stilettos furiously clicked away down the stairs.

She’s right though, I’ve never been late. 

Except that day when I was late for work and accidentally bumped into you. You were as blonde then as you are now, and you were new to the city. Your eyes sparkled with excitement and curiosity the very first time I laid my own eyes on them – the very first time I fell in love with you.

And I kept falling in love with you since.

I was never one to play hooky but I skipped work that day just so we could have coffee. You insisted on it to make up for knocking my books off my hands. I might’ve just been clumsy and you didn't owe me anything but I was so enthralled with your aura that the next thing I knew, I was already sitting across the table from you – coffee, pastry, and all. 

That's when I knew you had my heart before I could even stop myself.

I’ve never been late but I thank the heavens for my broken clock and paving a way of meeting you. I still keep it on my bedside table and you always ask why I never get it fixed or just get rid of it altogether. ‘I’m attached to it’ is what I would always say because I couldn’t really tell you why. It doesn’t really matter anyway. I’ve met you, I’ve loved you, and we’re here now, that’s all that matters.

“Bbom.” I whispered as I fiddled on the necklace resting against your chest, heaving and falling with every calm breath you take. It’s the one I gave you on your first Christmas in Seoul – our first Christmas together. It wasn’t that grand and it’s barely suitable for the occasion but you were adamant on wearing it anyway. As the golden chain around your ankle is your something new, this tarnished piece of jewelry is your something old. 

Although I've always told you how much I love you, but it was only then that you realized just how much, that I've been loving you more than just a friend.

It's been years since that December night but I still remember every detail of it. From how you smiled with warmth and comfort, to how you shivered ever so lightly when the cold little heart-shaped pendant made contact to your skin.

You never took it off since. The only adornment that has never been apart from you - not for a second, not even when you bathe. It was as if you always wanted a part of me to be close to your heart. 

It’s funny, really. Because I guess that’s the closest I could get.

But it doesn’t matter; you own mine either way.

“Mm?” You raised my chin up and stared right into my soul. My heart shot up my throat in an instant, terrified of you finding out all the things I never said.

“I love you, Bbom.” I managed to breathe out despite my struggling lungs and quivering lips.

“I-”

I kissed away the words from the corner of your lips, words I know by heart and soul. 

“I know.” 

I kissed you because you let me, because you know as much as I do that the moment is right and nothing in the world could’ve stopped it.

Nothing could possibly stop me from loving you.

Not now, not ever. 

Even though my lips barely touched your skin, it’s enough for me. I’ll settle for whatever I can have. Besides, I didn’t want to ruin your makeup. I don’t want to ruin anything today. Everything has to be perfect – not as perfect as you, but close enough at least. 

Because nothing can be as perfect as you.

“You ready?” I asked more for myself than for you. 

“As I’ll ever be.” you flashed a smile my way and I knew then just how ready you are, just how much you want this. And I want to give it to you.

I want to give the world to you if I could. 

The thought burned through my chest, engulfing me with just enough strength to get through the day, enough courage to do what I have to do.

I will give you my world, the whole of it.

I looked at you one last time, cherishing the last few seconds I get to have you for myself, the last few moments when only my own eyes are on you. 

God, you look so beautiful – and that doesn’t even cut it. You are above and beyond what this limited language has to offer.

If I get to have one wish right now, it would be to have this moment on an endless loop. 

You, draped in white, blond locks neatly falling just beyond your shoulders, lips curled ever so slightly – too shy to show the bliss stirring inside you – and eyes so bright, they outshine every star in the galaxy.

You, looking straight into my eyes and I am but helpless to keep myself from crumbling down like the walls of Jericho.

You, the entirety of you, exuding elegance and innocence and perfection far beyond what I can even put into words.

But I don’t get to have one wish, and time is still ticking, and we’re still here, and I can’t stall any longer.

Something borrowed.

I tried to flatten my own dress the way you did only to stop myself halfway through, realizing that this was exactly why I reprimanded you a mere few minutes ago.

I guess sometimes we’re just too good to follow our own advice.

This is it, no turning back. I walked down the aisle and got a number of approving nods. At the corner of my eyes, I saw my mom dabbing her handkerchief on hers quite dramatically.

I never understood why people cry at weddings; it’s just another ceremony after all. But I don’t have enough neurons to spare for that now. My brain is in full throttle running around thoughts of you. All I want is to get over with my procession so I can watch you make your grand entrance.

I turned around as I reached the altar and my eyes immediately fell on you, as if they’re trained to look at only you. Well, they are. Because even in a sea of a thousand people, I know I will only ever see you.

A stretch of red carpet laid on lush green grass parts the crowd in the middle, and at the other end of it, you stood in all your splendor. All the guests are looking at you now with a chorus of ‘aww’s. And even from afar, even with your makeup on, I can see you blushing. You pursed your small red lips to keep yourself from breaking into a smile. You looked so gorgeous that my heart might just jump out of my chest and run to you like a pup to its master. 

I only managed to hear the first beat of Enya’s “Only Time” because as soon as you took your first step, I swear I’ve gone deaf and time has slowed down.

I’ve already seen you in your wedding dress not too long ago yet why does it feel like I’m seeing it for the first time all over again? I tried to remember how to breathe this time but my lungs seemed to have stopped working properly. You graced the carpet with such elegance that my knees began to fall weak. 

Maybe it’s the heat or maybe it’s my erratic heartbeat, either way I was all but struggling to keep myself steady. Out of billions in the world, only you have this effect on me. Nonetheless, I stood tall and proud – at least, I tried to.

Our eyes met and you smiled at me. It’s your most gentle smile; it’s the one you’ve always given me whenever words fail you. And I always knew what it meant, I always knew what you’re thinking of even before words fall from your lips. I’d like to think I know you better than anyone else.

I know every beat of your heart better than my own.

A hue of sunset orange spread across the sky like paint spilled on blank canvass.

We're running out of daylight.

Time isn’t moving slow enough.

You’re already halfway down the aisle and your gaze kept faltering. Even though you’re always sparkling around everyone, you were never comfortable with the attention – you’ve always been my favorite paradox. Nevertheless, I didn’t take my eyes off you. I patiently waited until you turn to me again. 

I will always be waiting for you to turn to me. Even in the next lifetime, I will wait for you. 

Your eyes flickered towards me once more and something curled around my guts. It’s taking a lot from me to keep myself from grabbing your hand and run away from here. We don’t need this wedding.

But you want this.

You begged a million times for this, because you’ve always dreamed of marrying the one you love at the altar. You’ve always dreamed of a rustic garden wedding in the middle of spring where love blooms all around you – pretty much like today.

So who am I to stand against that? Who am I to deny you of that bliss? Besides, I promised you I’ll make your dreams come true, didn’t I?

My heart started to drum against my chest, threatening to escape now that you’re just a few steps away from me. You look more radiant up-close; you’re such a wonder to behold that I don’t even feel worthy enough of your presence. Yet here you are, almost at an arm’s reach. 

But as you took your last step, something shifted and I felt myself on the brink of falling apart. 

I finally understand why people cry at weddings.

But I can’t cry. Not now, not yet. I want this day to be perfect for you. 

Even if it’s not with me.

I watched you get married that day, and as promised, I gave you my everything – I gave you freedom. 

I let you go.

I was Park Chorong, you were Yoon Bomi, and it was my first life.

I don’t know how it came to be or why, but I remember my past lives like it was just yesterday. But of course I don’t remember everything, only a few fragments of significant memories that aimlessly float around my mind like particles in space. The ones full of bliss, and the ones that drained my soul to the core. 

But it was always the memories of you that stuck.