I am Lee Chayeon, ever since I was young, I have loved to dance, especially my specialty hip-hop. As a child I took my free time practicing, and while I was growing more and more into the world of dance. I started to dream in dancing on a stage, with a big crowd along that, I want to share emotions through my dancing to show my appreciation to the people who supported me with who I am.

Today is Mama 2018 in Japan, a dream stage for me to perform on when I was a trainee. Not only me but also my members. Loud cheers can be heard as our “Dear My Friends” is being played on the screen. Scanning the huge crowd, I can’t help but the want of crying at that moment. The long journey is finally done. A journey, me and my members struggled upon. Looking at the person on the other side of the stage is my closest friend in IZ*ONE and I’ll be dancing with. The person who helped me throughout Produce 48. Miyawaki Sakura.

While lost alone in the deep forest

I was thirteen years old when my dreams of being on stage were almost at reach. Along with my sister Chaeryeon, we joined Kpop Star 3. Both of us hoped in winning which wasn’t the case as we got both eliminated. We were very young at that time, maybe it made an emotional scar to the both of us, but a new ray of hope shone to the both of us when one of the judges which is Park Jinyoung asks us to be trainees at JYP, one of the big three entertainments in South Korea. With one glance to my sister Chaeryeong her eyes that were filled with tears earlier from being eliminated, instantly changed into a sparkle. Both of us knew this will be our new start and signed right away the contacts.

I started dreaming since then

A new opportunity arise for me to reach my dreams once again, as my entertainment, JYP decided to open a survival show for the new girl group. Sixteen. I know to myself it sounded awful. Putting young girls to a survival show to compete with one another, especially Natty she is only a thirteen-years-old at the time. The age I also joined my first ever survival show. I thought everything will be fine since I am already exposed to this field but I was wrong. I felt a lot of pressure more than before. Thinking that I wasn’t as skilled as Momo. She got the looks and the skills of a dancer. Even if I major in dance, I couldn’t be on par with Momo and Natty. I wanted to do as well as everybody expected me to do, and I feel that I badly needed to, but I couldn’t reach those expectations, it was frustrating.

To the many previous months, I’ve practiced for this competition. In just one blink of an eye. My name is announced to be the first ever eliminated. I don’t know, it feels like my soul at that moment left my body. I’ve known to the fact I’m not in the beauty standards of Koreans, but I must have put too much confidence in my dancing. That I forgot the harsh reality of this country’s standards. Looking once more to the people I trained with for the past years and lastly to the person I disappointed the most. My sister. I could see she’s already shedding her tears. It's okay, Chaeryeong.

The only dream we have at that moment is just one of us to debut. Just one of us. I must've added pressure to my sister since I could see in the broadcast on how much her face is in distress.  Suddenly all of our dreams breaks into tiny little pieces. Neither of us got to debut. Sorry, mom and dad.

Like a flower that survived winter

I lost hope for me to have another chance in debuting on JYP, so I decided to enter a quite well-known company WM Entertainment. I felt bad for Chaeryeong for losing all hope after Sixteen. She decided to just live a normal life that my whole family supported and to my choice of continuing this wretched path. I might be some odd person, but after Sixteen I started to be more motivated in becoming an idol. At that time I dream more, more than when I was younger.

Opening the television there I see my friends. They finally debuted as TWICE and from the looks on their faces is happier than I ever did saw them before. Congrats guys, the dreams we talked about finally came true.

I will find the new self

I told myself over and over again. “I can do it again. I can keep practicing, and debut with a better group,” so that I won't have any regrets even if I’m eliminated. I’m a three-time survivor of auditions. I desperately want to become a singer. I know that I’m desperate. Desperate to become an idol, more than ever. Even there’s no hope for me. Can I at least cling to my dreams even I’m already slipping? To the last two survival shows, I’ve been to. It taught me a lot and made me motivated to change myself. For the past few years, I’ve been quite neglecting my studies, so that I could just practice and practice. I don’t want to see those disappointed faces of my family who just keeps on cheering me on. I must strive better.

Entering the practice room at twelve noon. Seeing there are no trainees here. I turn on the music and start practicing the choreography for the umpteenth time.

Although sometimes its hard and exhausting

Produce 48 is a new survival show. Known for the national producers, producing the top girl and boy group of South Korea, Wanna One and IOI. I feel like an I have a knack for survival shows, that even my sister wants me to give up on this show and just wait for my company to debut another girl group. I know to myself that I improved a lot for the past years and it garnered me to have confidence in myself. I know that this time. This time, I’ll achieve those dreams. This is a huge opportunity for me. I can't let this go.

Entering the stage as my fellow WM trainees walk up on the stage. This place is much bigger than I initially thought. My eyes darted first on the chair for 1st placer. It’s so much higher than on tv. It's like an assurance on your debut if you can just once sit on that chair. At that moment I have a new goal. To sit on that highest chair.
The music entitled “Shower” start to play, and the nervousness I felt earlier immediately vanished into the tension in the air of this place. Dancing should be enjoyable, that’s why I liked it in the first place. I didn’t know what came to me, the practices for this stage just went unto me, and executed it perfectly.

Gasping for air as we made our final poses. I could see the shock faces of the trainees. Did we do bad?  I examine the faces of the trainers, and they have a satisfied expression. My name was suddenly called upon by none other than Bae Yoonjeong sunbaenim that it shocked me. She is one of the strictest trainers in this show. Feeling the nervousness start to come back into my system, and my confidence start to plummet down.

“I want to see another dance.”

A smile grows into my cheek when Yoonjeong sunbaenim to