Hello, I’m Miyawaki Sakura! I started off dreaming on being on stage ever since… hmmm, 4 years old? I was quite well-known in my family to have a talent regarding acting, so I didn’t what came over to me when I was young, I joined in a musical play in elementary at Hakata-za Theater, that turned me into a child actress. If I must say that experience made me who I am. The feeling on stage feels so different than what I garnered in my whole life. It feels foreign from the pleasure of eating my first ice cream nor the drop from a rollercoaster. Maybe it was seeing my family having the biggest smile on their faces that made me pursue this dream.
December 12, 2018, is MAMA in Japan. Japan. My home country! It wasn’t just some stage, it meant so much to me and to my Japanese members - Hitomi and Nako. We never even fathom we will have another stage on Saitama Super Arena after 3 years. After all, it’s very hard for even AKB48 to have a concert, as large as this. Yet, the thing I never expected is for me and Chaeyeon to have a special stage, together. A smile creeps onto my lips as we hear our “Dear My Friends” start to play, and I couldn’t help but feel my emotion start to jumble up, that made me tear up a little bit in the process.

While lost alone in the deep forest

Dreams always start off from inspiration, and my inspiration is my family, especially obaasan (grandmother). They mean so much to me, and deciding at a young age to pursue my dream of becoming an idol. It all break into tiny pieces when hearing my parents disapproving of my decision. Obaasan helped me in convincing my parents. Obaasan who always been there since the beginning, my number one supporter, since day one. It tears me up whenever I think about her efforts in trying her best to attend every single one of my plays. There’s no one in my family supported me like her. And my ultimate dream is to dedicate everything to her. 

I started dreaming since then

Obaasan cheered me up whenever I’m in a slump in continuing this dream of mine. Right, now my number one dream is becoming an actress, people criticized me in terms of my singing and dancing. Those aspects of mine became my worst and started made me feel insecure whenever someone makes me do a dance nor sing. Whichever the case, I never plan to give up, obaasan cheer me up from the distance. I couldn’t leave her disappointed, right? 

I didn’t what came into me to suddenly become interested in Japan’s most famous girl group AKB48. There was a rush of excitement went over to me, for me to actually try in auditioning. It was July 2011 which I am thirteen at the time while waiting for the announcements with almost hundreds of auditionees. It was a hit of reality to me, it’s impossible for me even to debut in HKT48. The emcee pauses the auditions for a thirty-minute break. My confidence stoops lower when I saw the contestants all beautiful, and much more talented than I am. 

As my disheartened heart won’t go away, I decided to call on obaasan, hoping for her to pick up on the phone since it’s already night time. Please obaasan, I need you.

“Saachan? What happened?” obaasan softly asks me, that almost made me break down on the chair I’m sitting on.

“Nothing obaasan, I just want to hear your voice.” I choked on myself saying those words as I try my best not to cry right here at the moment I heard her lovely voice.

“Saachan, if there’s any problem tell me, okay? How is the evaluation?” obaasan anticipates on what I will say next. Telling a small lie won't hurt, right? It's my promise in the first place to never let obaasan to feel upset.

“I passed!” I build up my last remaining confidence in saying those words, I even choke on my words when saying that. I lied to obaasan and it made my heart feel heavy.

“Really that’s great Saachan! I told you, you can do it.” Obaasan proudly cheers me on, I can even imagine her big smile over the line.

“Get ready to go back on your seats!” A staff shouts notifying all of us to get ready.

“I’ll get going now obaasan. Remember to take care of yourself, all right?” I remind my obaasan as usual whenever we call each other. Sometimes it worries me whenever we see each other and she gets thinner and thinner. A soft chuckle can be heard on the other line.

“All right Saachan, but go now remember punctuality.” The line abruptly ends and I stand up on my chair, as to going back to the stadium.

The air is filled with tension. Why wouldn’t it be? Hundreds of girl’s dreams are counting on this. This is the first generation of KHT48. It’s a great start for everyone. I clasp my hands, waiting for the announcement and praying for me to be one of them. Please, just this once.

“Miyawaki Sakura, please come up to the stage. Congratulations”

It was that moment. A memorable moment for me as a thirteen-year-old child, it made me for a second unable to move due from the shock. The words of the announcer start to decode into my brain, causing me to force myself to stand up from my chair and go up the stage. That made me understand at the moment, some things embedded in your memories they become phenomenal that you can never forget. That exhilarating feeling on being on stage became one of my treasured memory.

Like a flower that survived winter

HKT48 didn’t have much public recognition as times goes by, neither one of us ever got into the elections. You know how people get greedier as they finish achieving something? It's my exact situation is. I only dream about debuting in HKT48, and just put a smile on my family’s face, and enjoy the stage as it was natural for me whenever I’m performing. When I finally became part of HKT48, I dreamed bigger. To have a ranking in the elections. And maybe if I’m lucky enough on my way, I’ll be part of AKB48.

I was surprised at the time when I found out the results in the AKB48 general elections that I am in the spot, and rank 47 on top of that with 6,635 votes. It was only one year after our debut. I couldn’t help but feel over the moon as I come up on stage to have recognition of the 47th placer.

Three years pass by and my popularity rises over time, resulting my rank to be higher and higher, and I couldn’t help but cry whenever I hear my name in the ranking. Elections are the most important in our system. My teammates would sometimes want to quit in this life, but I didn’t want them to. I grew up with them, and I saw them grow as a person. It was hard, I know its hard. Especially in Japanese variety shows. We would get usually get harassed by the emcee or off camera, and I would just see them having a terrified expression on their face. But the fact we can’t do anything about this treatment is the worst. Japan is known for the ‘unique’ kind of shows. I mean who does a segment just for someone to get blasted fart smell gases on their faces? Well, I got that segment, and I’m grateful that at the time when my sense of smell stopped working. Just seeing from my seniors having a horrid face after trying it out. I wouldn’t want to smell that even a little bit.

The variety is an addition, but my biggest problem at the time is I got into a slump into myself. I remember that I would try my best to improve my singing and dancing. All Japanese member are all self-taught so it was difficult for me learning other varieties of dancing or techniques in singing, and saw no improvement to myself. The producer would bug about me regarding getting the lead role in Majisuka Gakuen. It’s a popular series starring the idol group AKB48. I agreed to it because I was more confident in my acting rather than dancing nor singing. At the time I was even more conflicted on dropping the dream of an idol to an actress.

I will find the new self

A meeting was called to all of the HKT48 members, it was urgent as our managers would say. I was curious about how important it is for everyone being requested to come immediately. As I sat down on one of the chairs with some of my member are already with an anxious-looking face. I started to feel bad about the announcement. Don’t tell me it’s regarding a dismissal to one of our members? Just the thought of it made me shiver. 

Time passes by to our allotted time and all of our members arrive, the producer enters with a folder on hand. It wasn’t the folder whenever they show us evidence of someone breaking a rule. A low sigh could be heard to everyone as we can finally calm down.

“Since everyone is here, I’ll announce an important announcement.” Akimoto-san sits down on the furthest seat on where everyone could see him. It suddenly occurred to me that this announcement must be that special for the producer of AKB48 itself would come.

“AKB48 is collaborating with the famous Produce 101. Everyone knows them, right? This is a chance for you girls to become internationally known, as Korea music industry is booming all over the world, and we all know that AKB48 or in your cases HKT48, isn't improving in terms of popularity or rather we’re declining these days.” Akimoto-san stated to us that made everyone close-lipped. That announcement certainly made me rethink on my choice. Is this a second chance for me on my dream of becoming an idol? Is the decision of mine of pursuing to become an actress should be dropped? But one thing is for sure in my mind right now.

I’ll join the competition.

Although sometimes its hard and exhausting

We’re given months practicing for the audition on the program “Produce 48,” almost everyone from the Japanese trainees joined in this survival show. So the competition is fierce as there are only 96 contestants that will be chosen. Reminding myself that almost of AKB48, SKE48, NMB48, HKT48, NGT48, and STU48 joined in this and we’re not even talking about the Korean trainees. I’ve known Korean trainees to have incredible talent, so it’s nerve-wracking for us Japanese trainees to compete with them.

Wait… if I debut, will I see Irene-san?

That thought itself made me giggle and fangirl internally. I felt a tap on my shoulder that stops me from imagining taking a picture with Irene-san. I turn around to see Mina with a confused look.

“Hey Sakura-chan, are you okay?” Mina worriedly asks me, probably weirded out by my sudden actions. As I remember my actions earlier, my face burns up in embarrassment. I’m a senior, this is embarrassing.

“Yes, Mina-chan” I answer back with my hands hiding my burning face. A heavy sigh can be heard from Mina who slumps on the wall. I could see the frustrations building upon her. It made me heavily worried as we are the only last two who are still practicing for the upcoming auditions.

“What’s the problem Mina-chan?” I sit beside her and she sighs one again.

“Its just Saku-chan, you know everyone right now is practicing really hard for this, but do we really have a chance? Our skills are lacking and I can’t even sugar coat a little bit regarding about that.” Mina dejectedly lowers her head. I could relate to that, at one time I would just want to give up and continue in my Japanese career rather than going to that show, but its an opportunity. A big opportunity for all of us to improve and represent our team internationally.

“Hey Mina-chan, I honestly don’t know what to do for the auditions yet alone for the evaluations. But we can do this as a team, okay? If we do fail then let’s try once again. C’mon lets practice.” Mina smiled softly as she takes my hand.

“You really don’t know what to say Saku-chan, do you?” Mina playfully said and I nod at her in agreement. I am considered as the serious type in our team, only the first generation of HKT48 is whom I am comfortable with, but the field of advising others I wasn’t generally good with, that come along with my shy personality I don’t even dare to start up a conversation to the new membe