____

Somewhere in Jongdae’s life, he must’ve programmed himself to say yes. Because that’s what I find him doing the most, what I’ve observed him doing the most. It’s what I see when someone asks him for a favor, whether it be the teacher or a friend or even someone he’s barely talked to in school. And somewhere along that line, the no’s have been taken over by so many yes’ that he must’ve forgotten how to say it, or maybe he’s afraid.

And what is it that he’s afraid of? I find myself looking for an answer too, and each time I see him agreeing even though he doesn’t want to, it’s a glimpse into the why, something that becomes clearer and clearer.

Because after all, isn’t that why everyone loves Kim Jongdae? Sure, he’s smart, he’s athletic, but it boils down to not just that but because he’s nice. And sometimes, many times, people want to take advantage of that, and that’s exactly what happens. Because all his no’s end up being yes’, and because of that, people believe they can get whatever they want from him.

But even as everyone seems to adore him for this, there’s one person who doesn’t. And I think that each promise he gives against his own will, each yes that’s said takes a little bit away from him too, and I can only hope that when he finally begins to do things for himself, there’s still enough of himself left.

***

A week passes after that. Jongdae comes by on Sunday yet again, and this time, we work at the library as usual. It’s not really that different, but perhaps we’re a little more comfortable, and any talk that isn’t work related isn’t as awkward as before. However, as different as it is, it isn’t exactly too much so, and by the time I get home, I’m not sure if I’m fine with that or slightly disappointed.

I’m fine with it, I decide.

Or maybe I pretend that I am. I’m not very sure myself, and I try not to think of it. After all, I still don’t know where Kim Jongdae and I stand; are we simply project partners? He wouldn’t have offered to show me around Seoul if we were just that, right? Are we acquaintances? That seems to be a little too general, too superficial. Are we friends, then? Now that’s too much to say, and maybe what he’d done wasn’t anything more than courtesy, no matter what I think it is.

No matter how I think about it, I can’t quite piece Jongdae together. Or maybe it is as simple as he makes it, because after all, he’s nice to everyone, and I happen to fall under that. Because we’re in a group project together. It wouldn’t be any different if I were someone else, and I decide that’s a very logical conclusion to come to.

It’s Thursday again, and I drag myself into Languages, too tired to think straight. I sit down beside Sohee, not fully awake. My mind, somehow, notices one thing—Kim Jongdae isn’t sitting in his usual seat, and then I’m confused (hazily) why he’s the first person I think of.

I tell myself that he’s probably just running late when I set my stuff down, but I can’t remember a single time I’ve seen Jongdae late, so then I reason that it’s because I’ve never paid attention. I manage to spend a couple more seconds in confused explanation for myself before Chanyeol, a seat in front of me, turns around.

“Hey, Anna,” he says, and I blink, trying to register what he’s saying.

“Yeah,” I manage, then it hits me that he still remembers my name, and that he’s talking to me. I frown. “What is it?”

“You’re friends with Jongdae, right?”

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around why he’s talking to me, so I correct out of instinct, “Project partners. Aren’t you friends with Jongdae?”

Chanyeol nods hurriedly at that. “Thing is,” he starts. “Do you think you could be able to like, somehow convince Jongdae to switch the time for working on the project?”

“Come again?”

“Sunday,” Chanyeol elaborates. “You guys meet up on Sunday afternoon, right?”

I nod slowly. He must’ve seen the skepticism because he corrects hurriedly, “Jongdae told me. Anyway, we’re doing a team get-together on Sunday and he says he’s not coming because he has to work on the project with you, but could you possibly convince him to come? Tell him that you’re busy and you have to move the date or something, or…” He trails off. “I dunno. Whatever you can think of.”

I eye him. “So you want me to lie to Jongdae?”

“No—well, if you really have to put it that way, I guess. But you can just change the date! It’s just that he insisted that he couldn’t make it because he had to work with you, and I just figured that… well, I don’t know why he was so persistent about it, so I thought that maybe you were really strict with the time or something so he couldn’t tell you to change it? He’s never passed up on a get together before like that, so…” Chanyeol trails off and gives me a helpless look. “Please, Anna? It’s never the same without him there.”

I frown, unsure of what to say. I’m not strict with the time, and Jongdae must know that, because he has changed it before when he hadn’t been free. So if it’s as big of an event that Chanyeol’s making it, shouldn’t he easily tell me that he wants to switch the time? I can’t wrap my head around why he would even tell Chanyeol he couldn’t go because of the project, and the only answer I can think of is that he doesn’t want to go.

But that doesn’t make sense. He’s often at basketball practice, he’s always hanging around the team, and after all, he’s their star player, isn’t he? Why wouldn’t he want to go?

The only conclusion I can make is that if Jongdae’s using the project as an excuse, he doesn’t actually want to go, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. By the time I’ve thought it through, I’m more confused about the whole thing than I was before, and it’s only when Chanyeol waves a hand in front of my face that I snap back to look at him.

“Anna,” he says. “Are you listening?”

I blink. “Yeah.”

“So you’ll ask him?”

I hesitate. “I can’t promise anything.”

“Please?” Chanyeol asks, then, in my peripheral vision, I see Jongdae step through the classroom door. Chanyeol must’ve noticed where I was looking and was quick enough to catch on, because he leans forward again. “Do us all a favor,” he whispers to me. “We’re all counting on you, Anna.”

He turns back around in his seat as Jongdae nears us again. I glance up, debating for a split second before waving cautiously at him.

Jongdae gives me that same smile before sitting down. Through my own confusion, it takes me a while, but as Ms. Lim starts the lesson, I realize once again that he looks exhausted.

***

I think about what Chanyeol says all day, and it’s a successful distraction from everything. I’m barely paying attention to any of my classes properly, and I can’t decide whether or not it’ll be a good idea to tell Jongdae. It’s all I think about, but the answer doesn’t come easy, if at all.

It doesn’t feel right to keep it from him, because even though I’m not exactly close with him, I know him much better than I know Chanyeol, and it only seems fair. Jongdae must have a reason, of course, but is it my place to know of it? He’s private about his life, or at least seems like so, and I don’t want to pry.

I haven’t sorted anything out by the time school ends, and I don’t know if I should tell Jongdae now or spend more time walking in circles. As I shoulder my backpack, tucking inside books and preparing to go home, someone taps me on the shoulder.

I spin around, nearly knock over the water bottle Jongdae is holding in his other hand, and then drop my textbook in surprise. His eyebrows furrow at the action, slightly confused, and I scramble to pick it up quickly before straightening. For some odd reason, I feel as if I’ve been caught with one hand in a jar of cookies, even though that’s ridiculous. What do I even have to be guilty for? It’s not as if I’d done anything. If there’s anyone, it’s Chanyeol.

“Hi,” I get out, though it’s strained, and I can tell immediately that I sound different than usual. “Is something up?”

His eyebrows draw together a little bit more at my words. I cringe.

“Not really,” Jongdae finally concludes. His eyes flicker around the empty hallway, as if he’s looking for someone, or as if he’s nervous to see someone there—before he glances at me again. I can tell, however, that he’s still somewhat uneasy. “Did Chanyeol ask you about the team get together thing?”

I definitely feel like I’ve been caught with my hand in a jar of cookies. He’s spot on, really, but I still make the mistake of hesitating before muttering, “Yeah.”

For once, there isn’t a hint of a smile, and part of me is slightly scared seeing Jongdae like this. There are circles under his eyes, yes, he looks tired, but even before when he seemed more exhausted, he’s smiled. He’s chatted with his friends in class even after looking like he hasn’t slept for months, but now, there isn’t even a hint of that, and anxiously, I wait for his next words and wonder if I’ve done something wrong.

Jongdae doesn’t speak for a long moment. This is it, I think. I’ve officially pissed Kim Jongdae off somehow.

Finally, his shoulders sag ever so slightly. “I can’t stay long,” he murmurs. “I have basketball soon. It’s just… did he tell you to tell me to change the date for the project?”

I blink once, then twice, staring at him and unsure of what to say. “Right,” I manage. “How did you know?”

“I guessed.” He steps away from me a bit, leaning on one of the lockers. “I told Chanyeol I wasn’t able to go because we had to work on our project, and I saw him talking to you this morning. I figured that was what he probably asked.”

“Sorry,” I try. “I should’ve told you—”

“That’s fine,” Jongdae cuts in. “It’s not your fault. I’m just… a bit tired, that’s all. We’re still meeting up on Sunday, right?”

I do a double take at him. “You mean you’re not going to the get together?”

His eyes flicker away from me briefly again, before he nods. “Yeah.”

The words are on the tip of my tongue. Why, I want to ask, and it’s more than one question. Why are you so tired? Is that why you don’t want to? If that’s it, if you’re tired, why would you rather work on a project than relax with friends?

I can’t even begin to deduce half an answer