-Hey, Yong-ah wake up- I said as I approached her, she had not moved a muscle with what I had said, so I repeated -Wake up now, don’t be lazy-, and I began to caress her face. At this and with laziness, she tried to move my hand away while she raised her head and opened her eyes slightly, focusing on the clock on the bedside table.

-Are you crazy? Look at the time it is, come back here, let's keep sleeping- she said, as she went back to lay between the sheets, and although I clearly wanted to do what she asked, I couldn’t.

-Could you see me a moment before falling asleep again?- I said with nerves already surfacing. Annoyed she turned to me and asking me what happened, fixed her gaze on me. -I wanted to know if you would like us to go out and walk on the park, we could have lunch in a place that someone recommended me near there, and then we could buy some ice cream of your favorite flavor, what do you say?- I answered without breathing. I wanted, and on the same time didn’t, to hear her answer, this was beyond the limits of our agreement, but I could not take it anymore.

-What are you talking about?- She asked, more awake now, -Did you fall this morning and got dementia?.-

I began to think that I should have stayed silent, but this was something that I really did not want to keep quiet, it is not healthy or fair to me, and I'm sure she already knows that.

Trying to stay firm, I said -No, I didn’t fall, I just needed to ask you and know what you thought.- It was not the correct answer, obviously; she saw me directly in the eyes and without a hint of resentment or condescension in her voice, answered -You don’t need to know what I think, you are not an idiot, you know that you and I only have a agreement, or am I wrong?.- It was true, that was our relationship but I had made the biggest mistake.

-I know, but I thought maybe...- Without letting me finish what I was going to say, she intervened. -No no no, stop there. You don’t have to think about anything, it is what it is, if you don’t like it, you can go right now- and finishing talking, she laid down again.

With a broken voice and pain in the chest, I insisted -Why don’t you give me a chance?, I'm different from the others, I swear, I feel so much for you, I promise to take care of you, just please give me...-

-Shut up, I don’t need to know if you want or don’t want something, it's not my problem, and go, you're already bothering me.- As a last option I took her hand, kissed it, and asked again -Please Yongsun, I love you.- Already the tears I tried to contain ran through my face, I had that little hope that the last week we had spent together had changed something, but with her answer I realized that everything was only in my head -I'm sorry, but I don’t feel the same way, and you knew that this was not part of the plan, so I'm going to ask you to please leave.-

Did it hurt? Of course. She didn’t even blink, she didn’t show any reaction, she didn’t care, and it showed, but they say that when you're in love you do stupid things, so I kept crawling behind her. -Could I kiss you, one more time?- I said, causing her to look at me without understanding -Please- I repeated again -It means nothing to you anyway-, and with that, she nodded, giving me permission to continue.

I knew that after that last kiss there was not going back, she would not change her way of thinking and I would still be in love, the question was: What was I going to do after that? Would I still be trying to be by her side? Even knowing that if that continued, none of the person I thought I was, would remain there; Or Would I end everything once and for all?, destroying myself completely. Whichever option I chose, it would be painful, but I had got myself into this mess, and now I could not get away unharmed.

I approached a little and took her soft and round cheeks with my hands, I caressed them a little, contemplating the sensation, and approached -Could you close your eyes, please?- I said, noticing how she looked at me with disbelief, but still , fulfilling my request and giving me the security, to coddle her. I started kissing her forehead, then her eyelids, her beautiful little nose, the cheeks I was so delicately holding, and finally I saw her lips, I already knew by heart their taste, I knew what to do to get sighs from them, I knew everything, but today I just wanted to show her what I felt, so I took them gently between mine, and I felt a distaste when I realized that she was not corresponding. I did not want to let them go, and I did not want to open my eyes, I knew I was still crying, I felt tears on my face, it did not matter anymore, I was terrified to open them and see her expression, probably one of indifference.

I tried to kiss her again, but she did not flinch, and without giving me more time, she separated to tell me -If you're done, you can go-. Right at that moment I realized that I had already made my decision, I could not get away, no matter how much I wanted to, I already belonged to her, I was hers. -Let me stay with you please- I said without any remorse, and taking more strength, I continued -Let's forget this, and continue as before- and I stared at her.

-Are you listening yourself? You sound pathetic telling me that- she snapped, and although I knew she was right, I could not help thinking that being without her was much worse -Yes, I know what I said, I do not want to lose you- and without letting me finish, she said -My God, this is your problem, I do not care about your feelings, they are nothing to me, do not come later to me with fables of love again- she turned around, wrapped herself up and ended up saying -I'm not going to deal with that nonsense again, am I being clear?-. I stupidly nodded, got back into bed, and hugged her for a long time, until I felt her rhythmic breathing.

In that moment I separated carefully, sat on the edge of the bed, and began to cry again. I'm completely pathetic, but I cannot get away, at least this way she is by my side.

Since I did not want to wake her up and I knew I needed some fresh air, I left the room, took my coat from the place where I had thrown it when I arrived, and left the apartment. Outside, the sky was blue and clear, as if mocking my deplorable state, people continued with their lives, they were animated for the beginning of the weekend, and I, on the other hand, felt terrible and decayed. I started to walk aimlessly, and without realizing it my steps took me to the park I had spoken to Yongsun, it was on the other side of the city and even when there were many others, I thought of that one only with the excuse of walking there and spending more time by her side. I went through it and followed the plan I had proposed to her, I went to the restaurant that I said someone recommended, thing that was a lie to take part of her curiosity to accept the date, and I ate an ice cream sitting while thinking how it would have been if she had accepted, if she had wanted to try.

The rest of the day passed quickly, it was getting dark and it was time to go home, to my house, my empty house.

"Where are you?", was the message I received then from her, I did not answer and even so, I knew that my plans had changed, so I took a taxi that would take me back. While the images of the city around me got diluted, I imagined her sitting next to me, taking my hand in the seat and laying her head on my shoulder, I wanted to feel happy and imagine her in the same way, but even though I wanted to, I could not, she was not happy by my side, at least not in the way I wanted to believe, I knew that very well. I turned to look out the window getting rid of that image, and thought "Why do I love you so much?", but as much as I though, I could not find an answer.

I noticed soon that I had reached my destination, I paid and went up the stairs of the three floors that separated me from her until I reached her door, I was ready to start again this vicious circle, to fall again in her, so without thinking much, I went in, I knew that no matter what, until she left me, I would still be there, by her side.

So pathetic.