Jisung. Han Jisung, Best friends. That's what we were. 

Friends...

Were...

What are we now? I don't know. Will we ever be anything? Should we ever be anything? 

You see, 8th-grade year, we were closer than two peas in a pod. Unfortunately, by the time we became friends, we had already been in relationships with someone else. My ex-boyfriend Hwiyoung was an amazing person but we just didn't connect very well. Truth be told, I don't know if I really ever liked him or if I just wanted to date him because people shipped us. We're still good friends now which I'm thankful for because he understands me 100%. He was dating Yejin. She was cool. They had choir together which is I guess how they met. How did Jisung and I meet? I remember it clearly. Sad that I do but I could never forget such an amazing day.

We were learning archery in gym and were put into groups of 3. Jisung and his friend Hyunjin were put in a group with me and that's where we stemmed. The first few minutes were awkward because we didn't know each other but in an instant, we manage to build a connection. We had started placing bets and who would score the highest. For example, he once owed me three bags of rice and I owed him a box of cookies. The bets were random but they made it fun. I started to look forward to every day of gym because I knew we would get to talk. 

Guilt. I felt it every day. I had a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend. It was terrible but simply talking to him was the best thing to ever happen on a daily basis. I didn't want it to stop and it didn't. We eventually we started passing notes to each other. Our friend Seungmin was our deliverer. We'd write notes on an index card asking about how our day and class are going. Just simple things that we wanted to tell one another. I didn't notice it as a sign that something was happening between us. I just wanted to be close friends with him is what I told myself. I felt myself grow happier the more we talked. That happiness is something I'll never forget. I wish I still had those cards. 

We eventually started using Kakaotalk. It was a norm for us to talk every hour of every day. We both did the talent show. That's when I realized I liked him. I liked him,

He rapped with his friend Changbin and I sang with a close friend, Eunbi. There were mandatory rehearsals throughout the month before the Talent show. We got to hang out so much. It eventually started to hurt that nothing would ever happen. Things with me and Hwiyoung started getting shaky. He decided to call it off which I had no problem with. Mainly because I agreed. I cried a bit about it. I still don't know exactly why I cried but I did. Jisung and I grew extremely close. It felt as if we always knew what was on each other's mind. He was there for me everytime I felt sad. He made me feel all kinds of happiness. Butterflies in my stomach. As if I was floating on clouds. Like I was the only important person in the world. A feeling I never regret.

But sadly, he was still with Yejin. I kept my bounds. Even if we weren't physical, I knew there was something emotional between us. I shouldn't have gotten close to him but there's just something about him that I felt I needed with me. To feel safe, I felt I needed him with me. Just by my side... 

8th grade came to an end sadly. We talked a lot over the summer. Until one day, he confessed. Well, tried. He tried to make me ask a series of questions about the girl he likes and of course I wanted to know. I was dying to know. But I just had to play it off. He was still dating Yejin. Or at least that's what I thought. If only I had asked. If only I had let him confessed. What would happen if I went back in time and accepted his confession? Would that make a difference? Would that change how I feel right now? 

We didn't talk for the rest of that summer. It was too awkward. About 2 weeks later, we started high school and talked again. All that awkwardness vanished and it was like the summer never happened. Around 3 weeks into school, he asked a girl out. Her name was Jihyun. Extremely pretty compared to me. I wasn't exactly hurt, but I was bothered. I started to try to distance myself from him but he started to stay after school every day until 5. I didn't want him to be alone so I waited with him. Every single school day, even if it rained, we stayed after school for an extra 3 hours just hanging out. I loved every second of it but it became similar to eighth grade. My favorite memory is this one game we played with barks and a tree. We both took a bark and tried to hit the center of the tree. I usually won but who kept count? One time I brought a bunch of makeup and he let me put it on him. He started experiencing problems with his girlfriend. I knew I had something to do with it.  mean I would be upset too if my boyfriend was always talking to another girl. We had to distance ourselves even further. They eventually broke up 2 weeks later. We weren't exactly close afterward but we were still friends. 

Halfway through the year, we got put into the same choir class. I was new to the class so my only friend was Jisung. Hyunjin and Changbin were there too so I wasn't completely alone. Because we spent so much time together I guess he started to like me too. There were so many signs but I was never able to figure it out. Our usernames were both about sushi. We started to wear matching bracelets. We basically wanted to do everything together. Why did nothing happen between us? Because we did the stupid thing we could have ever done. Friend-zoned - no. Family-zoned each other. I don't know how we started but we always referred to each other as brother and sister. That we would never date because we didn't see each other like that. Lies. We just lied about our feelings. 

But something ha