Seulgi’s sitting on the couch with her legs sprawled straight out. My head is on her lap. My eyes are closed but I’m not sleeping. I’m just savoring the moment although the urge to go to sleep is rather tempting.

Seulgi is busy switching channels to try and find something she’d like to watch. After a while, I heard her sigh then she ultimately turned off the television.

“Do you think we can meet again? Not here. Maybe in Korea?” I hear Seulgi say with uncertainty as she put down the remote on the table beside us.

“I-I don’t know.” I said with my eyes still closed trying to sound very tired. There was silence for a long time after that. I did not dare move. I’m almost falling asleep due to the long silence. After a while, I heard Seulgi take the remote again only to put it back.

She sighed. “We can. If we want to, there’s always a way. But you don’t want that do you?”

My heart beats wildly against my chest. I stayed still, afraid I’d spill my feelings.

“Did you fall asleep?” She asked. I could feel her face coming closer. I continued to stay still until I really fell into slumber. Before that, I think I felt soft lips on my temple.

-

Three days. That’s how little time I have left.

When I get back, I know I can still contact Seulgi. She will probably be wandering on the other side of the Earth. No matter the time, I know she’d take my call and talk about her adventures. We could still keep in touch but our bond will never be the same. I will have to get rid of my feelings and that would need a lot of space.

Seulgi’s right. There is a way but I chose the other path. A few days from now, we’ll take on different roads that we must go separately. I sighed.

These thoughts clouding up my mind again.

Maybe I need a drink.

-

On my fifth glass of wine, I opened my social media accounts. It’s been a while since I visited any of them. I liked a few posts here and there in both Facebook and Twitter. Nothing much seemed to happen when I was away. I typed a reply to a few of my colleagues and friends who took time to message me asking me how I’ve been.

On my sixth glass, I opened Instagram next. I scrolled through the feed. I haven’t been watching any videos lately but I’m pretty sure I improved due to my constant application. I should’ve posted some. I felt so regretful that I only thought of it now. Anyway, I could totally post one right now.

I took a photo then posted the latest one I drew. After the app showed me that it’s posted. It went back to my feed and a new post appeared right then. It’s from my favorite Instagram artist.

I’m surprised to see that it’s a portrait but even more surprised to see who it is. Although I’m sure the whole face was drawn, the picture taken was badly lit and only ¾ of the drawing is shown. I could see it was intended. Perhaps, so people would not know who it is. But I know who. I know who this person is.

That face – Seulgi said it’s exquisite. It’s a face molded by the deities above. That if the owner told her she was some sort of Goddess, she would not be surprised. She would bow right away and sing songs of worship. It’s a face that even Helen of Troy would trade to have.

Those eyes – She would often joke it can paralyze people. It’s the stare that holds a certain amount of power within. It’s intense enough that people would shy away and avoid holding a stare. Yet, she said at times it could hold the universe in them. That if you look past the icy glares, you’d see a whole new dimension. And if you stare long enough, you would find yourself floating in the sea of stars.

That smile – She said it can brighten anyone’s day. It’s a scene people would be thankful to see every day because it can make them forget about the complexities in life. It’s the kind of smile that would put the sun to shame and render it jobless to the point of retirement.

It’s my face, my eyes, and my smile.

It’s me.

“People wonder why I don’t draw portraits. I wonder how people get to draw them. I find dissatisfaction in every single one I’ve drawn. How can you fit all that beauty and personality in several and bursts of colors? I can never truly understand. I can never do it well.

These past few weeks, I met someone and during this trip, all I did was draw her. I drew everything I remember about her. But whatever I do, no matter how good I am, it never matches her beauty. Not even close. But it’s all that I will get to have. What we had were fleeting moments that I cannot repeat so all I do is draw her because I don’t want to forget. I want to remember everything for as long as I can.

Because I love her. And because I can’t have her.”

-

“U-unnie? What are you doing here?” Seulgi asked with confusion written on her face as she opened the door of her room.

“Show them to me.” I say while panting. I ran all the way here. I can feel bruises on my feet. I didn’t even remember to put on a slipper.

“H-huh? Show what?”

“Your sketches. Show them to me.” I repeat while looking at her intensely.

There’s confusion in her eyes. Then recognition. Then, ultimately, fear. “I-I can’t… They’re not very good… I-it’s not-“

“Please, Seulgi. Please.” I start to sob. I stretched my palm and touched her chest. “I want to see. Let me know your heart.”

Seulgi led me inside her room. I sat at the couch while she went to retrieve her sketchpad. I could see hesitation painted on her face as she approaches me with cautious steps. She gave it to me with her trembling hands.

I opened it. I could feel the tears forming on my face. I continue to flip the pages. With every flip, I could hear my cries getting louder. By the end of it, I was a sobbing mess.

“You probably think I’m creepy right? To find out I’ve been drawing you all this time.” Seulgi said while looking away. I could see tears forming in her eyes but she’s trying hard to hold it in.

How long was she keeping it all in? How hard it must’ve been for her?

“No.” I reach out to her to cup her face. She looks at me while tears start to drop from her eyes. Seing her like this, I’m hurting too. “I saw the post, Seul.” I say as I place a kiss on her temple. “It’s beautiful, Seulgi.” I kiss both of her eyes. “All your drawings are perfect.” I kissed her nose. “I like them.” I say while looking at her lips.

“Y-you saw? You li-like them?”

I hummed still looking at her lips. We are two cowards who almost lost each other because we let everything frighten us including ourselves. Not anymore.

I raised my head to look her in the eyes. With all sincerity and love in me, I released the words I longed to say.

“And I love you too. I love you so much.” I say as I finally kiss her lips. It was a peck that lingered for a while. Just enough to keep wanting for more.

She smiled- that smile I think of fondly. “I love you, Joohyun.”

We met eyes again. Then, our lips met too. Hers are so soft that I was afraid to devour them. I placed my hands behind her neck. She placed hers on the side of my waist. We continued with tentative moves before finding our own pace as we head towards the bedroom.

Our tongues danced a lovely tune.

Our bodies followed.

-

Lying on the bed, our bodies are basking in the afterglow of our love making. This moment with Seulgi is a state of euphoria I will forever be trapped into. I feel myself in pure bliss over finally being able to let all my feelings out. More even so, now, that the recipient is the object of my affection. I sigh contently as I scoot my way closer to her neck.

She played with the locks in my hair before letting her voice out. “What happens now?” She asked with a hint of uncertainty engulfed in her voice.

I looked at her and smiled as I tuck her hair behind her ear. She blushes. “I want to do what you told me.” I can see her forehead starting to crease. She tilted her head to the side. “What did I tell you?”

“To try. I want to try chasing what I want.” I told her this time while running a thumb over her cheek. I looked at her with fondness. I could see a question mark written all over her face. “Like having your own restaurant?”

I let out a smile. Her confused face is too adorable for my own good. “That too. And more.” This time I say with my thumb touching her lip.

“Like what?”

I peck her lips. I couldn’t help it. “Like loving you unafraid.”

She smiled as she deepened the supposedly peck. After some time, we parted a bit. She let out the widest grin I’ve ever seen along with her trademark eye smiles that I could never get enough. “I like the sound of that.”

I pulled her closer as I placed my lips near her ear. “I like the sounds from you.” I say with an attempt at seduction which, ultimately, succeeded as I see red color her ears and face in a span of a second or two. She widens her eyes before giving me a soft slap in the arm. I can see her attempting to make a comeback with how many times opens and closes before failing tremendously. I laughed at her. She laughed too.

“I want to draw you.” I say after that.

“Suddenly? Right now? Like this?” She gestured on her body that I worshipped a while ago like the masterpiece that it is. “Yes, right now. Like that.”

She releases an ever familiar smirk. The one she always show when she thinks of those lame jokes that I can’t help but to laugh because of how unfunny it is. She struck an alluring pose. “Like Rose from Titanic?” She said with her failed attempt of a wink. I snorted a bit. “Yes, like one of my French girls.” We both laughed and she softly slapped me again on the arm.

I stood up to retrieve my art materials. As soon as I got back, I started to draw her. As I draw, I realized that she’s right. Drawings can never capture how beautiful a person is. I can never put Seulgi’s beauty in paper. But like her, I still want to draw. I also don’t want to forget. I also want to remember this moment for as long as I can.

Because I love her. And I want to have her forever.

“What?” She said as she noticed me pausing and staring at her.

“I love you.”

One last.