- advancement -

One day, Luhan said something strange during a big get-together. They stood close to the door to get some fresh air and watched a group of people from somewhere in the very south of the Korean peninsula who smoked outside and loudly discussed the speech given by the president of the head office an hour earlier. He had rattered through a long list of people with exceptional behavior who would receive a bonus. Everyone had clapped politely and had hoped that it would quickly end so that they could all finally raid the buffet. Yixing, too, had stopped listening at some point. From his office, Junmyeon and Minseok had been mentioned, but he had barely known any of the other names.
"I don't think it's much of an incentive if you always award the same people though," one of the guys from the south said loudly while puffing out a cloud of smoke. "If I know that it's Lee Hajoon who gets mentioned and Lee Hajoon who gets the bonus and Lee Hajoon who gets to do all the interesting things, why should I put in any effort? I don't even know what makes him so much better than the rest of us anyway."
Yixing didn't mean to eavesdrop but unwillingly thought of his father. The constant battle for promotions had eventually broken him. A system, in which people worked against each other rather than with each other, could not possibly work, so Yixing himself had always avoided to work in a company like that. But at the end of the day, the Office, too, was just a company and even if his branch office was harmonious, things could easily change the moment someone more ambitious joined. He didn't like the thought.
"They don't understand it yet," Luhan then suddenly said while he stirred the remains of his cocktail. There was nothing left but crushed ice and a sad-looking mint leaf. "It's all predestined."
Normally, Yixing would not have asked any questions because Luhan had a tendency to spout very random things when he drank. But there was something about the word. It was one of those words that touched that part in him that still believed in miracles, so he asked, "Predestined?"
Luhan looked at him with slightly cloudy eyes and didn't say anything for a long moment, as if he wasn't sure what he himself was talking about. Then, he squinted his eyes. "Well, you'll notice it sooner or later anyway, so what the hell." He shrugged and took a futile sip of his drink. "There are only two types of people who have a chance to have a real career here." He made a deliberately long pause and Yixing nodded to show that he was listening.
"First, there are the obvious ones like Minseok who gets to do everything that is difficult or dangerous. People don't normally envy him because, well, why should they, right? He's the executioner in a row of regular prison officers. No one really wants that job."
Yixing nodded again, even though the description was rather harsh. He looked up to Minseok because he did things he knew no one else could do. But he also understood that he had a role not everyone could fulfill.
"But then there's the second type. Those people everyone secretly loathes because they're often just very mediocre but get all the responsibilities. Like that guy they were talking about." Luhan nodded into the direction of the guys outside who now talked about baseball and then pulled a face while he stared at a point further inside the room. "There's usually one of those in every office."
When Yixing followed his glance, he saw Yifan talking to Zitao close to the bar. He frowned, because he had always got the impression that Luhan and Yifan got along rather well.
It seemed uncomfortably personal, so he wasn't really sure how to react, when Luhan already continued, "It probably seems coincidental if you don't understand the system behind it. Because the things is that we're all on a rather broad spectrum. Where we end up is all determined in that moment when we stop being regular people and become summoners."
He didn't elaborate and Yixing considered the idea for a moment, but still didn't see the connection. Part of him also didn't want to think about it because it shook up memories he wanted to remain buried.
He probably looked extremely confused, because Luhan eventually sighed and explained, "Basically, it depends on how deep the shock in that moment was. People who are mediocre but succesful are that way because the shock wasn't deep enough. People who are exceptional had some real happening to them. And if it was pretty bad but not so bad that you have a special ability, you're essentially too much of a liability to give you any important duties."

The words struck him because it was something he had never really considered. He had read enough reports before to know that every summoner's starting point was more or less the same, but the possibility that there were differences suddenly felt disillusioning. Of course it had occurred to him that there were limits. He understood that he could not become someone like Minseok because there still were such things as talent and natural inclination. But even if he would never be able to touch ghosts, he had at least expected to become a mentor like Junmyeon. He had hoped that he at least had that chance.
And suddenly he was faced with the possibility that he was a 'liability' because the worst moment in his life had either been too bad or not bad enough. The rest of his life had been determined that day when his father had killed his neighbor with a pair of cloth shears, the neighbor whose promotion he had stolen years earlier, the neighbor whose son Yixing had played with, the neighbor who had Yixing's mother. Yixing had been fifteen when she had been found dead at the edge of Xiang River. For years they had wondered whether it had been an accident while she had whispered to him in his nightmares and caused him to be scared of the dark. For years they had lived in uncertainty. His father had completely buried himself in work. Yixing had started to live with his grandparents. And then, seven years later, the neighbor had finally given away his secret in a heated argument about whether or not the city should be allowed to cut down the old tree next to the post office. The tree had stayed. Yixing's father had been found dead next to his neighbor and even before the call had reached him, Yixing had known. He had known because his father had already appeared in front of him, bleeding from his neck, waving around the shears, talking about revenge, being barely more than a shadow in the light of the afternoon sun.
"I can't find your mother," his father had said over and over again for two years until the Office had found them and decided to ship Yixing off to Korea. It was then that they must have categorized him and put him into a box. And he hated it, because the more he thought about it, the more he saw his parents' deaths through the eyes of the Office. He knew that it was not a very light story, and he knew that there were worse ones. He knew that in their evaluation system, he was a risk factor because hauntings like the one he had experienced were a huge emotional burden. If not, they would have allowed him to stay in China rather than to force him to leave everything behind in hope that his father could not follow.
And then he understood. He was too far in the middle and if Luhan was right, he would be stuck there indefinitely. It was like having all the lights snuffed out around him. Life had nothing more to offer because the moment that had ruined everything would force him to stay in the same place forever.

And then he found light.

"I believe that's the point of the report. Figure out how it works. Find a way to fight it. Get rid of the ghost from within. Summoners could be able to do that," Minseok suddenly said during an argument about whether or not it made sense for summoners to willingly become possessed. And at first, Yixing didn't really think about it too deeply. It was nothing but a theorem. He had read the report, so he knew that it was not at all about summonings and just about the experience of a possession itself. After all, it didn't seem like the most practical idea to get possessed during a summoning and there were no other situations in which they were supposed to meddle with ghosts to begin with.
Not even when it became obvious that Minseok had become possessed, Yixing really thought of it as something connected to himself. It amazed him to hear Minseok's ramblings in the sterile light of the office at night because it was such a typical thing for him to do. No one ever mentioned it but they all knew that Minseok lived for those moments when a ghosts went rogue and when he could judge whether they were allowed to ascend or whether they would cease to exist. Minseok had that power. Minseok was like a god walking among humans. He aways defied all odds.
But then, as Yixing reached his dark apartment and was blinded when he the lights in the hallway, he remembered Luhan's words.
Ever since he had witnessed Minseok kill a ghost, he had thought of him as invincible. But the only major difference was the moment they had witnessed someone die. For Minseok to have the kind of power he had, he would have suffered from a shock that was evaluated differently from Yixing's. The death would have been objectively worse, whatever that even really meant, and whatever had happened to him, would have triggered Minseok's wish to kill ghosts. That wish would have come first, right before Minseok had become the person he was now.
And then the world around Yixing seemed to shift, like something that looked three-dimensional and turned out to be a painting. It all suddenly seemed so easy.
What was it that set them apart?
The Office had forced them into roles according to a value system in which trauma was categorized. Minseok's was worse than Yixing's, so he was an asset while Yixing was a liability.
What was it that set them apart?
Minseok did things no one else did. He had the kind of position no one questioned because they accepted him as a necessary part of the machinery that was the Office.
What was it that set them apart?
Unlike the others, Minseok actually hated ghosts. They all knew that but they needed him, so they never openly said it despite it being so blatantly obvious. Minseok hated every ghost, whether it was those possessing humans, or the Nameless Ones, or the companion of Park Chanyeol.
What was it that set them apart?
Minseok had no scruples killing ghosts.
What was it that set them apart?
Minseok didn't believe in impossibilities. He was not supposed to be able to kill what was not alive any longer, and yet he did.
Minseok read a report that most people thought of as useless and terrifying and saw it as a chance.

A chance.

And then Yixing knew.
Maybe it would not make him a better summoner.
Maybe it would not actually help him change his position.
But if he didn't try and if he simply accepted the role they had assigned to him, nothing would ever change. His parents' deaths would forever haunt him and force him to stay in a place that would gradually become worse as new recruits were going to overtake him. Even Jongdae, who was supposed to be at the bottom of the tiny hierarchy that was the Northern branch, already started to gain the kind of duties Yixing probably would never be assigned to.

All he wanted was to at least have a chance to change. To become better.To become more useful. To escape some of his nightmares.
But before he knew it, he became lost and the light he thought he had found turned into the kind of darkness that had swallowed him the day his father had died.

He tried to fight but whenever a ghost possessed him, it was the exact same. He became paralyzed. He watched as the ghost did things he didn't want to happen.
And in the end he always found himself waking up in unfamiliar places.

Next time it would be different.
If he tried harder, it would become different.
If only he tried harder he could become more like Minseok and less like Luhan, who would forever stay in the same place.
If only...

"I'm the last person to judge you," Minseok's voice said from somewhere to his left. He blinked but was blinded by bright light. For a second he wondered whether he was dead and whether this was nirvana. The last time he had woken up after losing his conscience somewhere along the line, he had found himself behind trash cans in a back alley. This was different. It was warm.
"I'm just curious as to why you did it," Minseok continued and sounded warped, as though he was underwater. Yixing rubbed his ears and then rolled to his side. A groan escaped him. He definitely was still alive. The pain in his body was proof of that.
"We all have reasons for the things we do," Minseok said and there was an edge to his voice. For his standards he almost sounded angry. "So I would like to know yours."
Yixing kept blinking as his eyes slowly adapted to the reality around him. When he flexed his left hand, he felt soft fabric brushing against it. Light fell through a window with grey curtains. Minseok sat on a chair and looked down on him while he tried to lift himself up from the bed he had woken up in. How he had got there, he didn't know, but he immediately understood that it would have been Minseok's house. Only Minseok would have so many protective charms that Yixing couldn't even hear the constant static of the ghosts outside. It had been years since he had been in a place this quiet.
"I..." he began and then halted because he wasn't sure how to reply. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to reply at all. His whole body ached and all he wanted was to go back to sleep and it was probably this weariness that made him sound defiant when he said, "I did it because I want to believe that we all have the same chances."
Minseok stared at him with a blank expression as if he needed to process the words and then frowned, "Chances?"
He didn't to explain it because he felt like a little boy who had broken his legs in an attempt to fly. He had failed and for all he knew, Minseok had rescued him. It suddenly all felt so futile.
So he slowly began with Luhan's theory and the thoughts he had put into it after Minseok had brought up the report. He tried to give logic reasons as to why he had thought of it as possible. The last thing he wanted was to come across as the kind of traumatized fanatic the Office probably saw him as.
And while he gave a lenghthy explanation, Minseok patiently listened with a solemn expression. It almost was like speaking to any of the ghosts in the Office who made decisions without any explanation or emotion. He could almost hear Minseok's judgment.
'Just stop being foolish and do what you're told.' That was how the Office worked.
So in his need to justify himself, he accidentally said, "I can't live with the idea that my parents' deaths somehow weren't enough."
And he immediately regretted it.
He knew that both Minseok and Junmyeon knew the story. They had been briefed and he had initially not known that it was a taboo to talk about these things. But it was probably exactly because Minseok knew it, that his eyes suddenly widened.
"I mean," Yixing quickly added. "Isn't that what it's like for all of us? Pain isn't something that's supposed to be measured. We're all in pain or else we wouldn't be here. And yet I can already tell that there are things they won't let me do. Everyone gets to train your recruit except for me. Only you get to do the things that seem interesting but if I can't even get the tiniest amount of responsibilty... How am I supposed to move on? How am I not supposed to blame my parents because they died and because they left me like this? So I was hoping... I was wishing that there maybe was a chance for me, too. If they decided that I can't be responsible, maybe I can show them that I am actually able to."
He had barely finished his speech when he already knew. His actions had done nothing but prove the complete opposite of his initial intenton and Minseok's aghast expression made that painfully obvious.
For a moment none of them said a word. Minseok looked down with furrowed brows and Yixing felt pathetic.
"It's because they were your parents," Minseok then said but still didn't lift his gaze. He made a long pause and Yixing wondered whether he would just have to live with yet another cryptic Office response, when Minseok finally looked up and continued, "They're not measuring pain. There's a rule according to which those who have lost their parents or their children are not allowed as many duties. It's not about you in particular."
Yixing blinked at him.
"There's a rule," he then echoed and it somehow reminded him of his father. There were rules. Everyone followed the rules of an organisation. No one ever questioned them. "So why..." be began and had to collect his thoughts for a moment. It probably made no sense to ask why no one ever bothered to tell them these internal rules because major decisions were made by ghosts and ghosts never explained anything. The less the Office bees knew, the less likely was it for them to riot.
"Why just parents?" he then asked but even that answer was obvious. Minseok only pressed his lips together in response but that already was enough. Yixing had witnessed enough summonings to know. Pain couldn't be measured be he also always took extra caution around parents and their children. They were emotionally too close and too likely to become psychotic.
That was why he was too likely to become a liability.
But that still only explained half of Luhan's theory. It now made sense that Jongdae, who had lost his brother, automatically had a better chance than he had.
But the question that remained was how someone like Minseok had come into existence. Before Park Chanyeol, it had seemed obvious that Minseok would never teach anyone. The things he did were completely dfferent from those Junmyeon did, almost as if he actually had the same starting point as Yixing.
"Did you lose your parents?" Yixing asked quietly and didn't actually expect an answer. Minseok never talked about these things. Someone like him had probably already been swallowed up by the black hole that was the inner circle of the Office.
But then Minseok let out a small sigh. "My mother," he said.
Yixing considered that for a moment.
"But I still don't have a chance," he then concluded and Minseok gave him the sorry expression of someone who executed the rules but didn't make them. The executioner, killing in the name of anonymous faces.
"Even if I get possessed a hundred times, I will never be able to do what you do," Yixing continued and felt desperation clawing at him. "Because in the end it's exactly as Luhan said and it is measured. And your mother... whatever happened to her was worse than what happened to mine."
"No," Minseok said loudly enough that Yixing instinctively flinched away a little. He couldn't remember the last time Minseok had raised his voice. It seemed to echo through the small room.
"No," Minseok then said more quietly and furrowed his brows. "This is not about better or worse. It's just different. I'm not like this because my mother died but because she refused to."
"What?" Yixing asked and Minseok bit his lips. He had probably already said more than planned.
Yixing knew that he could not pry any further, but the words hung heavily in the room. He couldn't even fathom it. A son wanting to see his mother die? That probably was not what had happened. But he couldn't imagine a scenario that did not sound absurd.
Minseok leaned forward in his chair and rubbed his forehead and then began, "Look, what happened is..." He trailed off and turned his head to stare outside the window. It was a clear autumn day outside. The sky was a pale blue.
"After my mother died, she possessed a woman. She did so all the way through my conception and my birth and only left when I tore her out of the woman over ten years later. That is why I can touch ghosts. Because a ghost gave birth to me."
As he spoke, Minseok's voice was eerily emotionless. It sounded like one of his retelling of an unusual summoning, as if it had happened to someone else, someone who was not actually connected to his life.
At first, Yixing also didn't fully understand his words.
But then there was a clattering noise somewhere behind Minseok and a figure emerged from a corner Yixing hadn't noticed before. Park Chanyeol stared at him with wide eyes but Minseok didn't even turn around.