yoongi never really, truly expected jungkook to like him back, but when said boy comes home with a lovesick smile on face, rambling about the ‘cute boy with the dimples’ he met today, it really drives it home. yoongi can't pretend any longer, can't keep living in his delusions. so he just smiles as best he can and wills his feelings away.

“jeez, kook, slow down,” yoongi smiles fondly as jungkook continues to ramble on and on about how damn adorable this boy was. “did you even get his name?”

jungkook freezes, realisation suddenly dawning on him.

“i forgot to get his name! how could i forget to get his name, i'm so stupid!”

yoongi laughs and is proud to say it doesn't come out strangled.

“where did you say you met him again? after a lecture?”

jungkook nods.

“so you'll see him again! just ask him next time.”

jungkook nods again, before his face scrunches up into that bunny smile that yoongi loves so much. he can literally see the shift in his eyes as jungkook's mind wanders back to the boy, his expression immediately melting into a sappy softness that yoongi would have thought only existed in movies, if he hadn't been doing the same thing over jungkook for the past six months or so. suddenly, the situation feels stifling, and yoongi has to leave.

“you're cute.” yoongi reaches over and ruffles jungkook's hair. “i hope things go well with you and cute dimples guy.”

he stands up ready to bolt out of there to his room, but manages to stay collected even though his throat feels like it’s constricting.

jungkook giggles and whispers a “goodnight, yoongi”, but his eyes don't follow yoongi out the door. he's too busy lost in his own thoughts.

 

yoongi doesn't cry that night. he knows none of his feelings right now are rational. jungkook just has a crush, he's had them before. he’s allowed to have them. but something feels different this time, something feels off. he feels a twang in his chest, like someone is literally pulling at his heartstrings, and - oh. he always thought that was just a metaphor. he never realised it could feel so literal, so real.

he doesn't cry that night. just lies in bed, awake for what feels like hours until exhaustion finally claims him.

 

-

 

“yoongi! it's namjoon! his name is namjoon!” jungkook barely gave yoongi time to get through the door before he came excitedly bouncing up to him.

“whoa, whoa, what?” yoongi asks, still trying to process the situation.

“dimples! his name is namjoon!” jungkook has a wide grin plastered onto his face and by god, yoongi would do anything to keep it there. so he grins almost as wide back at him as he toes off his shoes.

“... and oh my god, yoongi, he's just -” jungkook makes a strange noise that sounds suspiciously like a dying cat. if it weren't for the smile and the fond look in his eyes, yoongi would think he was in pain.

yoongi sets his bag down and boops jungkook's nose, momentarily silencing the boy.

“namjoon, huh?” yoongi collapses onto the couch, jungkook following behind him and perching on the arm rest. “so tell me what you guys actually did. did you even talk other than getting his name? because so far all you've done is verbally keysmash at me.”

jungkook giggles and smacks yoongi's leg. “yoongi~”

“what? it's true!”

“okay, okay, well.” and jungkook launches into the story of how he spotted namjoon again after his lecture - quite easy given his height and green hair - and unlike himself managed to work up the courage to talk to him, and then how they ended up walking for half an hour into town just talking before deciding to go to a cafe. it all seems ridiculously cute, and jungkook seems ridiculously happy, and honestly, that is enough to make yoongi happy, it is. but also, it's not. he's so happy that jungkook is happy and he would never do anything to change that. the twang in his heart means nothing other than that he is a selfish idiot who was stupid enough to fall for his best friend and flatmate. it's not jungkook's fault. jungkook didn't ask for that. jungkook deserves to be happy.

so yoongi smiles, awws, and laughs in all the right places, and it's only half fake.

 

yoongi makes them dinner, as he often does when he has time to spare, and they eat together in what is, for the most part, content. they don't only talk about namjoon, which is a relief to yoongi and his poor heart. he's certain the physical pain he's feeling can't be normal. surely the heart has no actual attachment to emotional feelings? maybe yoongi has some kind of condition.

he shakes his head at his own thoughts and tries to channel his feelings into something more productive. maybe he could at least get a song out of this.

 

-

 

days go by, weeks even, and yoongi's heart apparently still hasn't got the memo that jungkook isn't into him. every time namjoon's name is mentioned, his heart feels tight, his throat feels tight. he wishes it didn't; namjoon seems like a great guy, and jungkook is already head over heels for him. but the more yoongi learns about him, the more he realises how different they are, how much namjoon is everything yoongi isn't. namjoon is tall, tanned, talented. he's adorable with his deep dimpled smile, his clumsiness and dorkiness. he's smart but modest, extremely likeable. yoongi is just, well, yoongi. extremely lacking in every respect. no wonder jungkook fell for namjoon and not him. no wonder no one ever fell for him.

 

he's still yet to meet the boy with the subtle green hair and deep voice. jungkook and him aren't ‘officially dating’ yet, but they've been out on plenty of what yoongi is sure are dates, so either they're both idiots or they're both idiots. even so, it's only a matter of time before jungkook either brings him home or invites yoongi out with them, maybe even on a dreaded double date.

still, he's not entirely sure he wants to meet him. of course he does - he needs to see what has jungkook so flustered and why he literally fell head over heels for the boy in an instant. he needs to know jungkook's in safe hands. but, he's scared that he'll like namjoon. from jungkook's (biased) descriptions it seems he would, he already does, but meeting him in real life… he doesn't know how he'll take that, how he'll handle it.

 

he already feels like he's breaking at the seams. like jungkook was the one holding him together, and now that there's a chance he might lose him, he's falling apart. he feels like all that time of fooling himself into thinking he might have a chance with the love of his life, all that time is coming crashing down on him and tearing him apart, mocking him for his stupidity. you thought. as if you even thought you had a chance. the voice inside is ripping him up. i told you he couldn't like you back. no one could. you're unlovable. they'll always pick someone else. you're not good enough. i told you.

shut up, that's not true

but it is.

it is, isn’t it?.

 

he pours his emotions into his music, but what comes out isn't even a masterpiece like people always say heartbreak creates, it's just messy, jumbled garbage. fragmented, broken. he tries and tries, but his lyrics don't flow and the music is cacophonous.

yoongi lowers his head onto the desk in front of his keyboard, but he still doesn't cry. he saves whatever junk he managed to create and stands up far too quickly, sending his chair careening backwards. he pulls on a coat and is out the door before he's even got his second arm in the sleeve, accidentally slamming the door harder than intended in his haste to shut it.

 

(what he doesn't see is jungkook's concerned expression staring after him.)

 

the cold night air is biting but it helps clear his thoughts. literally. until the only thing he can think is how cold he is and how he can't feel his extremities. he keeps on walking, in no particular direction, so distracted that he narrowly avoids being hit by a vehicle three times, but he's too numb to even register the encounters.

it's stupid, really. being this affected by dumb heartbreak. it's all his own fault and he's just being selfish. it's not even like he was dumped; he was never in a relationship with jungkook in the first place. and he should be grateful that they're friends. good friends at that, best friends even.

but no, he's here walking in the freezing cold after slamming the door on jungkook, silently hating namjoon who seems like a wonderful person and definitely not deserving of hate, and not being able to think about anything other than how much he wants jungkook. how much he hates his heart. how much he hates himself.

 

finally, he turns around. he doesn't know how long he had been walking for, but he can successfully no longer feel his hands, feet or his entire face, or anything else really by the time he makes it back.

he opens the door as quietly as he can, and notices jungkook asleep in what looks like an extremely uncomfortable position on the sofa, without even a blanket. yoongi doesn't want to risk trying to carry jungkook to his room, so he settles for rearranging his limbs and throwing a blanket on him. jungkook stirs at the movement, his eyes blinking open just a fraction.

“yoongi?” he mumbles.

“hey.”

“where'd you go?”

“nowhere, bun, just needed some fresh air. go back to sleep.”

jungkook hums, curling in on himself. yoongi thinks he's fallen asleep but he speaks up again.

“sleep with me?”

yoongi almost chokes on air.

“i don't - i'll just-”

“please.”

it's not like they haven't shared a bed (or a sofa) before, but yoongi isn't really in his right mind. any contact with jungkook is simultaneously too much and not enough, but the younger is pouting, eyes still closed, so yoongi just sighs and slots himself beside jungkook. the sofa is pretty small so they have to practically intertwine everything until they are like one being to fit on it comfortably.

“you're so cold,” jungkook mumbles.

yoongi hums against jungkook's chest, not sure what to say. jungkook tightens his arm around him, pressing him closer to him, presumably in an attempt to warm him up.

“please don't leave like that again. i was worried.”

“i'm sorry, bun. i promise i won't do it again. now get some sleep.”

yoongi runs his hand along jungkook's back until he's sure jungkook's asleep. he doesn't risk saying anything, for fear jungkook will hear him, but he presses his lips to jungkook's clothed collar bone, for just one moment, one fleeting moment pretending jungkook could be his. that he could be jungkook's.

but you're not. and you never will be. you're not good enough not good enough not good enough you are nothing.

 

yoongi awakes to a soothing feeling like a hand brushing through his hair. he groggily opens his eyes and finds them crusted shut and hard to open. he finally manages to pry them open and is greeted by the sight of jungkook's shirt filling his entire vision.

right. they fell asleep together last night.

“morning, yoon.”

yoongi hums, but even that one small sound comes out cracked and raspy.

“are you okay?”

yoongi nods but after doing so realises his head is pounding and his throat is sore and he's still freezing.

“stay here, okay?” jungkook says as if sensing yoongi's inner thoughts. “i'm gonna go wash up then i'll bring you some food.”

he carefully slides off the couch, careful not to jostle yoongi as he does so. yoongi immediately mourns the loss of warmth but jungkook tucks the blanket around him further, once again sensing yoongi's needs. he even fetches another blanket and places it on top of him as well as another cushion before he finally leaves. yoongi hugs the cushion close as he awaits jungkook's return. his eyelids still feel heavy so he closes them again, but he can't fall asleep.

 

“hey, drink this.” jungkook holds a glass of water under yoongi's lips. yoongi sits up a little and with jungkook's help guides the glass to his mouth. he feels like a child as he takes small sips, jungkook still holding the glass with him.

“i'm gonna make you some food okay?”

yoongi starts to protest but jungkook cuts him off.

“no, i am making you food. this isn't a question.”

“weren't you gonna meet namjoon today?” yoongi asks, voice still raspy.

jungkook smiles. “i told him i can't make it. he understands. how could i leave my best friend alone like this?”

although the words ‘best friend’ sting as much as they fill him with pride, yoongi can't help but revel in the fact that jungkook chose him over namjoon. granted it’s because he's a mess right now and can't even look after himself, but still.

“you were…” jungkook starts uncertainly, “you were crying, you know?”

yoongi doesn't say anything.

“in your sleep. i just… you know you can tell me anything, right?”

yoongi nods, not trusting himself to speak.

jungkook looks hesitant, but nevertheless leaves, presumably to go to the kitchen.

 

yoongi must have fallen asleep again because the next thing he knows, jungkook is gently shaking him awake, the smell of chicken soup wafting into his nostrils.

“hey, hey.” jungkook's voice is soft, soothing.

yoongi manages a small smile as he weakly pushes himself up.

“here.” jungkook hands him the bowl of soup, given in a plate so yoongi doesn't burn himself.

“thank you. really.”

jungkook smiles. “don't worry about it. that's what friends are for, right?”

 

yoongi takes a sip of the hot soup. it definitely helps warm him up, although his throat still feels like sandpaper. yoongi absently thinks how lucky namjoon is, to have jungkook. a few tears escape the corners of yoongi's eyes, but he continues eating the soup as though they aren't there, refusing to acknowledge them. the thing is, it feels so nice to have jungkook care for him, even if he feels like death. it's so nice. but it only makes yoongi wonder what it would have been like. what it could have been like if jungkook liked him back. it reminds him why he fell in love, and does nothing to help his broken heart. if anything, it makes him fall all over again, fall and fall until he hits the hard ground and shatters into a million pieces.

more tears stream down his cheeks silently.

jungkook notices. why does jungkook have to notice? jungkook notices and kneels next to yoongi. he doesn't say anything, just brushes a thumb under yoongi's eye, another down his cheek. runs a hand through his hair. and then.

and then.

he leans up and kisses yoongi's temple. then kisses at the corner of his eye, kissing away the tears.

 

yoongi's heart is a mess. yoongi's mind is a mess. yoongi's head is a mess.

but jungkook’s lips are so soft, so caring, so sweet. yoongi wants nothing more than to just kiss him properly, but he can't.

so he just sits there, bowl of soup in his lap, jungkook at his side, tears in his eyes, and pain in his heart.

just sits there and lets jungkook kiss his tears away. pretends each brush of lips isn't digging into the cracks, wedging them open.

 

-

 

yoongi has since recovered from whatever it is he came down with that day, and is back to only his normal amount of suffering. jungkook and namjoon finally came to their senses and are now officially boyfriends. if there was a world's cutest couple award, it would for sure go to them. jungkook’s never looked happier. yoongi should be happy, yoongi is happy.

you'd think he'd be used to it by now. but no, he still feels that pang deep in his chest when jungkook mentions namjoon. and god, this has to be the worst possible reason for sadness and pain. it's hardly even a reason, so yoongi must just be overreacting, as usual. there are people with actual, real problems coping better than him. why is he so damn selfish?

 

he tries hard to keep up his façade, pretend he is truly happy for them. he is happy, of course, but there's the underlying selfish pain. he tries hard to mask it, but it's getting harder. he feels like jungkook is already seeing through the cracks. he does know him so well of course, having lived with each other for so long, been friends for longer.

well, clearly not that well considering he didn't know one major thing.

 

but he tries to keep his façade.

 

namjoon comes home with jungkook for the first time, and he tries so hard to keep it up, but it starts to slip. namjoon is perfect. absolutely wonderful. a delight. adorable. a complete and utter dork. entirely loveable.

yoongi is sick.

 

“so this is the famous namjoon!”

said man smiles shyly, dimples popping and - oh. yoongi gets it.

“nice to meet you, yoongi. i've heard a lot about you.”

yoongi raises his eyebrow and glances at jungkook, who just smiles sheepishly and shrugs.

they talk for a bit more, but yoongi starts to feel suffocated. he struggles to formulate coherent sentences and keep the conversation flowing, so eventually he just excuses himself. he's sure that's what the couple were hoping for anyway - to be left alone. so he shuts himself away in his room and immediately shoves his headphones on, making music that sounds like nothing but noise.

 

jungkook pops his head into his room to inform him that namjoon is leaving, so only then yoongi heads out to politely bade him goodbye. namjoon bows a full 90 degrees at him and shakes his hand, dimples on full show again. no wonder jungkook likes him. no wonder.

namjoon then turns to jungkook, and yoongi obviously knows they've kissed before, but seeing it… he just freezes, doesn't know what to do. his chest hurts, and then his stomach feels sick, but he can't look away. there is pure bliss on both their faces, a soft smile playing on both their lips as they kiss, namjoon's hand resting gently under jungkook's jaw, jungkook's hand floating in between them. it's not exactly long or heated, given the situation, but yoongi can feel, can see how much they like each other. the pair pull away and jungkook is a light shade of pink and they both have stupid smiles on their faces and yoongi finally has to look away.

“you can stay the night, you know,” yoongi says at the floor and honestly, he doesn't know how he managed to get the words out.

namjoon shakes his head. “that's okay, i have to be somewhere tomorrow morning so i think it's best if i don't.” he smiles. “i appreciate the offer though!”

they say their goodbyes again and namjoon finally leaves, but not before promising to text jungkook when he gets back home.

yoongi is still struggling to keep himself intact, but jungkook is too lovesick to see it. normally, he would notice if the slightest thing was off with yoongi, would pick up on even the slightest scratches, but right now, all he can think of is namjoon namjoon namjoon.

 

“isn't he just…”

“yeah,” yoongi says, “he is.”

 

yoongi heads up to his room and maybe he does cry that night, but only a little.

 

-

 

he's going to replace you

he only chose you that one time because you were sick and he'd feel bad

you're not good enough

namjoon is better than you

jungkook deserves better than you

he doesn't like you, not even as a friend

he doesn't like you

i told you

you're not good enough

you’ll always be replaced

 

-

 

yoongi's lost track of how long it's been since namjoon stumbled into jungkook's life, literally, but he's certain he should have gotten over his stupid crush or whatever it was he had on jungkook. there is no way he should still be feeling like this at the mere mention of namjoon's name. it couldn't be healthy that everytime jungkook did something vaguely kind or said something along the lines of ‘i like you’, that yoongi's heart stung like he'd been stabbed. he shouldn't still be clinging onto some tiny hope that jungkook will realise he actually likes yoongi, has done all along, but here he is. was this normal? everything since then has just been a downward spiral. he can barely make a semi-decent track, he can't focus in lectures, he can barely be alone without his inner voice haunting him.

 

it's not true, you're lying!

but am i?

 

you. are. nothing.

 

how is it fair that some people get their dream fairy tale romances and lives, and others are left with nothing?

or is that him being selfish and self-centred again?

 

-

 

yoongi can't help it. he just breaks down in tears. and not the silent, calm kind that had come so far. no, the ugly, loud, gross kind. the kind that affected the whole body. the kind that was uncontrollable.

he's alone in his room, had been trying to sleep until his thoughts strayed too far where they couldn't be controlled, and the next thing he knows he's sobbing uncontrollably. he tries his best to keep quiet to not disturb jungkook, but his entire body is racked with sobs and its harder and harder to control it.

he feels pathetic, weak, sobbing like this all alone, like some kind of wretched, worthless, pitiful, helpless creature. he hates it. hates all of it. mostly just hates himself.

 

the tears keep flowing, the sobs relentless. his blanket is soaked where he's pulled it up to his face. his neck and clothes, even his ears from when he was lying down too. he's so pathetic.

 

and of course, jungkook hears.

 

there's a soft knock on the door followed by a small “yoongi?”

yoongi tries to keep silent, even bites down on his fist to do so, but a sob comes crawling out his mouth anyway and the floodgates reopen.

jungkook gently pushes the door open and tiptoes in slowly, as though any sudden movements would frighten yoongi like he's some sort of terrified wild animal. pathetic. pathetic. pathetic.

 

jungkook has reached his bed but yoongi can barely see him through the blur of tears. jungkook sits down next to him and wraps his arms around him, one hand coming up to massage at his scalp. yoongi turns into jungkook's embrace so he's facing him, shuffling closer on the bed and wrapping both his arms and legs around jungkook. his face is buried in jungkook's shirt, which he's pretty sure is going to be completely soaked through in about a minute's time.

he holds jungkook like that for an eternity, jungkook's scent and calming presence helping to drown out the inner voices. slowly, slowly, the sobs begin to lessen, until finally they stop. yoongi doesn't let go, though, holding on as if it's his last chance to. jungkook keeps playing with his hair, muttering soothing reassurances to him.

yoongi's eyes feel heavy from all the crying, and he falls asleep like that - wrapped around jungkook like a koala with jungkook's hand in his hair and the other around his back.

 

(what he doesn't know is that jungkook stayed like that for a long time after he fell asleep, before he finally lay him down properly on his bed.)

 

yoongi's eyes are puffy and heavy in the morning, still red rimmed from the previous night. jungkook doesn't bring it up until that evening.

 

“yoon, are you, okay? i mean, there's obviously something up, you're clearly not okay. and it's not just like one of your days this time, you've been down for weeks.” jungkook pauses. “you don't have to, but you can tell me anything.”

yoongi stays silent for so long that jungkook has almost given up hope on getting an answer. he doesn't know what he should say. tell him the truth? half the truth? make it up? not say anything?

 

“i like you. no, i love you.” yoongi surprises himself with his words.

jungkook exhales sharply. “i was hoping i was wrong…” he mumbles quietly, but yoongi hears it. so jungkook did know, to some extent, for some time. he did know and he just ignored it. “i… i'm really sorry yoongi. i love you, just, not like that. i know that's not what you want to hear and -”

“kook, it's fine -”

“no it's not! you're miserable and i've done nothing about it because i hoped i was wrong. you barely eat, you're crying in your sleep and when you're awake, you haven't smiled your gummy smile for days, weeks even…”

jungkook looks on the verge of tears, but yoongi is strangely empty. his eyes are dry, like there's nothing left.

“and none of that is your fault. it's mine.” yoongi laughs a little. “did you know heartbreak physically hurts? like in your heart.” he presses a hand against his chest over his heart.

jungkook does cry then, just a little. a tiny sob escaping him along with the tears.

“yoongi…”

“it's quite funny, really,” yoongi continues, “something so small, so stupid as feelings, can cause so much pain.” a pause. “or maybe that's just me. i don't think most people go through this, right? so it's just me.” he laughs again and it's borderline hysterical. “i'm so weak that i get taken down by damn feelings. and not even a bad breakup or anything, no, just me falling in love alone with someone i shouldn't have fallen in love with and then being upset when it's not reciprocated when there's no way it ever could have been.”

“yoongi, please.”

“it's funny because i was pretending, for so long. pretending i had a chance. reading into everything you and we did to see if maybe there was a chance you liked me too. you know how long?”

“yoon.”

“nine months. longer probably. nine months since i realised that damn, i do like you like that. a few months before that falling for you without me realising. the last few months have been me trying to fall out of love and ending up falling harder, which again, it's just funny isn't it? what did i do to deserve this? oh right, i do deserve this don't i? because i'm so selfish and pathetic.”

“no, yoongi, you don't.”

yoongi laughs again, short and bitter. “no, you don't deserve this. don't deserve to have to put up with me -”

“i don't ‘put up with you’, i want to spend time with you because i like you! yoongi, please let me speak.”

yoongi finally stops talking, but can't bring himself to look at jungkook's big tear-filled eyes.

“yoongi. i'm sorry i don't love you like you want me to, but i still love you, truly. you're not a burden, or just something i ‘put up with’. i'd prefer it if you smiled again, but i don't mind helping you through this until you do again. i’d do anything to have you smile, genuinely, again.”

yoongi almost laughs. anything, huh?

“you're my friend, my best friend, and i know that's not what you want but it's still something, right? you're still my favourite person in the whole world and i would do and give anything for you. just, please, stop beating yourself up over everything. not everything is your fault. i'm so sorry i didn't try and help sooner, i was selfish. me, not you. you've been nothing but selfless. i’m so sorry that i am the reason you've been like this and i’ve done nothing to help. so please, just try and let me in and let me help you.”

yoongi inhales shakily. he can't think. his mind is completely blank. it's like he's gone numb. he nods and hopes that answers jungkook. he kind of wants to cry but just feels empty instead. his head feels warm, too warm, his eyes heavy.

“what's wrong with me?” yoongi's voice comes out at no more than a whisper. it sounds like how he feels. cracked, fading at the edges, small.

jungkook takes one of his hands and rubs it soothingly, still sniffling although yoongi thinks his tears have stopped.

“there's nothing wrong with you, yoon. you're just hurt.”

“everyone gets hurt.”

“and you're allowed to be affected by it! other people do not dictate what you can and can't feel, or how you feel it.”

yoongi doesn't reply, and jungkook doesn't speak up again. yoongi feels like jungkook is right, but he can’t bring himself to accept it. he can't shake the feeling that it's all his own fault, that he's weak and overreacting, that he's never good enough.

“hey, yoon?” jungkook asks quietly after yoongi doesn't know how long.

“hmm?”

“maybe you could, maybe you should consider,” jungkook takes a breath in. “i don't know how to help you, so maybe you could, you know, consider a professional?”

yoongi’s a little stunned at that. immediately he wants to tear down the idea. he doesn't need any professional help, there's nothing wrong with him. and it's not like it consumes him all the time. he's okay sometimes. many times, even. he's just…

yoongi glances at jungkook. he isn't looking at him, but yoongi can see the sincerity on his face. he doesn't know what to say so he just says “maybe” and leaves it at that.

 

-

 

yoongi finds himself at a club, and it's so unlike himself. he's so out of his element here, but he wanted so desperately to rid his mind of his feelings for jungkook. this might not be, is not the way to do it but yoongi is getting desperate and definitely isn't thinking straight. he thought getting it off his chest and telling jungkook would have helped, but he feels the same. worse even, because now jungkook seems sadder.

he heads to the bar and gets himself a drink, face scrunching up as the foul tasting liquid enters his mouth. he's never been much of a drinker. nevertheless, he continues to sip at it.

he must look quite pitiful, sitting alone at the bar with no doubt a forlorn expression. he's on his second drink when a man approaches him.

“hello,” the man says, “i am a thief, and i’m here to steal your heart.” the man laughs at his own pickup line, but stops when he sees yoongi barely reacted.

“hey, you good?”

yoongi cracks a smile, trying to subdue his emotions and pretend he's fine. that's why he's here after all, anyway.

“i'm fine. just in shock from that awful pick up line you pulled.”

the man laughs again, high and contagious, so yoongi joins in. he notices the man has really broad shoulders. he's tall, maybe jungkook's height. he's not exactly unattractive. quite the opposite.

“so it worked then?”

“not a chance.”

the man smiles. “kim seokjin, pleasure to meet you.”

“yoongi.”

“pretty name.”

yoongi looks away. “uh, thanks. my mum chose it?”

“pretty name for a pretty face.”

yoongi feels his cheeks heat up. seokjin tilts his head as he looks at yoongi, lips pulled up still in a small smile.

“what do you say we go dance?”

yoongi takes a moment. he doesn't think seokjin has any ill intentions, but in fairness yoongi probably wouldn't be able to tell even if he did.

“sure.” yoongi downs the rest of his drink and accepts seokjin's hand. he lets himself be pulled over to the mass of bodies on the dance floor and god, he's so out of his element.

he tries to shut off his mind, let the pulsing music fill him and move along with seokjin. it's surprisingly okay for a while. seokjin is a horrendous dancer and it makes yoongi smile, laugh even. yoongi's not really dancing if he's honest, more just bouncing slightly and laughing at seokjin. it's somewhat nice. until the heat and the press of people pushing into him and the loud noise becomes too much. he apologises but he's not sure if seokjin hears him. he returns to the bar, sitting on the furthest away stool. not too long after, seokjin finds him there.

“i'll buy you another drink. what do you want?”

“whatever you're having,” yoongi replies. he makes sure to watch the bartender prepare the drinks, just in case.

“you sure you're okay?”

yoongi's confused as to why this stranger who met him not even an hour ago seems to care. part of him wants to spill everything, but he's also determined not to be so weak as to unload all of his issues onto some stranger. so he just nods and takes a sip of his drink instead. he doesn't know what seokjin ordered but it tastes marginally better than what he had before.

“you could have said if you didn't want to dance, you know.”

yoongi shakes his head. “i wanted to. i enjoyed it. it's just, a little overwhelming. the people.”

“ah.”

they continue to talk and yoongi relaxes more. he's not sure if it's because of the alcohol, or seokjin. but it's a nice change. seokjin is awful - flirting shamelessly and cracking the worst jokes yoongi's ever heard - but it's nice.

seokjin's hand comes to rest on his thigh and yoongi doesn't make an effort to remove it. they're already sitting impossibly close to each other, partly just so they can hear each other properly, partly not. seokjin's hand massages lightly into yoongi's thigh, and the feeling is pleasant. maybe it wasn't such a terrible idea to come here.

 

he is expecting it when seokjin leans closer, saw it coming, but it still comes as a shock when seokjin's lips press against his. it's been so long since he's kissed anyone. so long since he's even thought about anyone other than jungkook, and, well, he's still thinking about jungkook, but only in the back of his mind.

because seokjin is nice and makes bad dad jokes and has the most hilarious dance moves and his lips feel so good against his.

so yoongi kisses back, lets seokjin deepen the kiss, lets his hands explore the expanse of seokjin's back, lets seokjin's hand squeeze harder around his thigh. he lets himself be pulled into seokjin's lap, murmuring a “yes, keep going” when seokjin mumbles against his lips to ask if it's okay.

and then there's a breathless “do you want to come to my place?” and yoongi nods, although he's not entirely sure that's what he wants. but he's so, so lonely, so, so alone, and seokjin smells nice and feels nice and is nice so he takes his hand and follows him out of the club. the air hits him with cold and seokjin seems to notice and presses closer to him, wraps his arm around him. it's something jungkook normally does.

seokjin hails a cab and they slide into the back seat. they're a little shifty, a little awkward at first, or maybe that's just yoongi, but then seokjin shifts along the seat. he caresses yoongi's cheek in a way that feels too intimate for two practically strangers, but yoongi doesn't complain. he leans into the touch, nuzzling softly against seokjin's hand before leaning up to kiss him again.

 

the taxi driver clears his throat, indicating their stop, and yoongi feels himself flush a little. seokjin flashes the driver a bright smile, seemingly unaffected unlike yoongi. he pays for the journey and then turns back to yoongi, same beautiful smile painting his face.

 

they make it to seokjin's apartment: a nice sized place with a minimal yet attractive layout. yoongi doesn't get much more time to admire the surroundings, as seokjin looks at him intensely with his big, pretty eyes, and suddenly that's all yoongi can look at. he's lead to seokjin's bedroom, the door closed behind him.

“so, do you wanna…”

seokjin suddenly seems shy, and then suddenly, it's not seokjin, it’s jungkook.

it's not jungkook, yoongi knows, but seokjin reminds him a little of jungkook, and then all he can think is jungkook.

seokjin's eyes widen with concern as yoongi slowly sinks to the floor. he curls up, hugging his knees close to his chest and resting his head on his knees. seokjin comes and sits down next to him. he's tentative, not sure how much he can touch, but he settles for rubbing his hand soothingly across yoongi's back.

yoongi hates himself. seokjin brought him home and now he's here, crying on his bedroom floor and probably ruining the poor man's night.

“i-i'm so s-sorry,” yoongi manages to hiccup out through his tears, the sound muffled as he speaks into his jeans. he had been doing so well, pushing jungkook to the back of his mind all night, but now…

it's all so stupid and irrational.

seokjin continues to rub his back. it's somewhat comforting.

“don't be sorry, it's okay.”

yoongi laughs but it sounds more like a sob. “how is this okay?”

seokjin ignores his question. “do you want to talk about it?”

yoongi shakes his head, but after a few minutes ends up talking anyway.

“i, i - jungkook, he - he…” all that comes out is a jumbled mess of words and a whole lot of jungkook's name. yoongi's already told jungkook, he should be fine now, right? should be recovering, be able to speak about it now, right?

so why is he still hurting so much?

why is he still hoping?

 

“jungkook? who is jungkook?”

“he's, he's my best friend. i love him. i've loved him for so long. why couldn't he, why can't he just…?”

“shh, shh, it's okay,” seokjin murmurs.

“and he's so happy, you know? him ‘nd joon. i feel awful for making him cry with my stupid feelings and my stupid heart and my stupid self.”

“you're not stupid.”

“how’d you know?” yoongi raises his head from his knees and wipes at his face uselessly with his sleeve. “i'm sorry, i'm such a mess. i can, i can go if you want me to?”

“no!” seokjin answers immediately. “there's no way i'd let you go alone in your state. if you want me to, i can drop you back at your house? otherwise you can stay here for the night.”

“oh.”

yoongi's confused. he's known seokjin, what, an couple of hours? and he's willing to put up with his crying and rambling and just his whole lousy self in general? why?

he's just being nice while you're sad and then he'll never see you again.

“can i stay? i don't think i can handle seeing jungkook right now.”

“of course. come, get up off the floor.” seokjin gives him a hand up, steadying yoongi as he wobbles on his feet due to intoxication and sadness and exhaustion.

“let me give you something to change into.” seokjin rummages around in his wardrobe, shortly returning with a simple t-shirt and sweatpants.

“they might be a bit big, but that's better than too small right?” seokjin laughs, a small sound nothing like his earlier loud and infectious one.

yoongi clutches onto the clothes tightly.

“thank you. for everything. you don't even know me and you're doing all this, and i ruined your night by acting like such a baby, and -”

“yoongi, shh, it's alright. the bathroom's there,” seokjin points out, “you can change and wash up and stuff. you can take my bed tonight.”

“oh, no, i couldn't -”

“no question about it. i can sleep on the couch.”

it's like it's jungkook again.

“or you could,” yoongi speaks to the floor,  holding the clothes tighter, “you could sleep on the bed. with me.” he mumbles the last part so quietly he's not sure the other heard him.

“you're, okay with that?”

yoongi nods. in truth, he doesn't have many friends besides jungkook. sure he knows jungkook's friends: hoseok, taehyung, jimin, and now namjoon, but he wasn't really friends with them. he spoke to them when they came over, he sometimes accompanied jungkook out with them, but if jungkook wasn't there, then yoongi had no contact with them. other than that, he talks to some people in his classes. he's introverted, but he does get along with people fairly well. but again, they aren't really friends as such, just classmates. the only time they talk outside of university is still about work. yoongi's good at talking to people for short times, in the moment, but he doesn't know how to actually start a friendship.

so yoongi doesn't really have anyone except jungkook to turn to when he needs it, and in this situation, jungkook comforting him just did more harm than good. it was just too much to be feeling like this because of jungkook, and have the very boy comfort him.

so of course, yoongi is practically jumping at the chance to have someone else to lean on,  someone else to hold him and comfort him and tell him it's okay. he knows he doesn't know seokjin. he could do anything to him in his sleep. but yoongi figures if he wanted to do something he could and would have already done it by now. maybe yoongi would even just let him.

 

“okay, okay,” says seokjin, “go get dressed. are you hungry?”

yoongi shakes his head. “but, please can i have some water?”

 

yoongi pulls on seokjin's clothes, far too big on him, but clean and comfy. they smell like rose petal laundry detergent and yoongi can't help but bring the shirt around his nose and breathe it in deeply.

jungkook’s always been sensitive to smells. subtle flower smells are his favourite, like white jasmine. he likes the clean and simple smell of fresh linen and plain soap too. the smell of pine is also up there for jungkook. rose petals are on his list of smells he likes, but never a favourite since rose scented things often smell too strong. yoongi feels like jungkook would like the smell of this, though. it's subtle and light enough not to be overwhelming. it's pleasant.

yoongi wishes he could stop thinking about jungkook.

he washes his face, staring at his lifeless, bloodshot eyes. the skin under his eyes is darker than usual, a deep purple band. which is odd. yoongi feels like he's always sleeping. always tired.

 

he heads back to seokjin's bedroom and finds the other man already there, back turned and shirtless - in the process of getting changed. he looks almost as toned as jungkook, but his shoulders are definitely much broader. one thing yoongi has always found odd (read: cute) about jungkook is that although he is so well-built, his shoulders are so narrow. yoongi's own are broader than jungkook's, and he barely even works out.

yoongi sighs and climbs into bed, taking the glass of water from the night stand. he checks his phone and sees numerous missed calls and a bunch of messages from jungkook. he feels that pang in his chest as he reads over them:

 

>where are you?

>im worried

>are you okay?

>please answer your phone…

>text me when you see these okay? or call

>please yoongi

 

yoongi hugs his phone close to his chest. it hurts. it hurts to have jungkook care about him so much and yet not enough. and it's so unfair to jungkook. the boy tries so hard at everything he does and that includes his relationship with yoongi, he cares so obviously and so deeply, yet yoongi can't accept it as enough and has probably ruined their entire friendship because of it.

 

he sends jungkook a reply, saying that he's fine and he'll be back in the morning. jungkook’s reply comes almost immediately. yoongi's chest hurts. he puts his phone on the nightstand face down so he can't see any notifications, and curls up under seokjin's covers. a few minutes later seokjin comes back from the bathroom, tentatively climbing into the bed next to yoongi, being careful to keep as much distance as possible. but yoongi doesn't want distance, so he shuffles closer and curls into seokjin's side.

“is this okay?”

seokjin is surprised but hums in affirmation.

yoongi closes his heavy eyelids and breathes in seokjin's scent. faint rose petals with a hint of  vanilla. his hands curl around the material of seokjin's shirt, bunching up the fabric in his fists. soon he feels a soft touch on his head, then again. he hums in satisfaction and the touch gets firmer, fingertips gently tousling his hair and brushing along his scalp.

jungkook does this. jungkook always does this. yoongi loves it when jungkook does this. jungkook knows that.

 

it's not long before he falls asleep.

 

he wakes up fitfully almost every hour like clockwork. seokjin is asleep peacefully next to him every time, plump lips slightly parted. the situation is so surreal. he's never really done this before, come home with a stranger. but something must be so messed up in his mind because it doesn't even feel wrong; seokjin hardly feels like a stranger. it's weird.

but he's so, so far gone in his feelings for jungkook that he can't think rationally.

 

finally, he wakes up and he's alone. yoongi doesn't know if he's welcome to stay any longer or if seokjin expects him to just leave. he had said he could stay the night, but how far did that extend to?

 

he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. his head hurts, no doubt a combination of the alcohol and crying again and maybe from lack of sleep. he musters up enough energy to get out of bed and make his way to the bathroom. he changes back into his own clothes, planning on leaving so as not to burden seokjin any further.

“yoongi?”

or not.

“um. hey, seokjin. really, thank you for last night, but i should…”

“at least stay for breakfast. no offence, but you look like you could use some.”

yoongi hesitates. breakfast can't hurt, right? seokjin's offering, so he's not intruding on him, right?

“i have cereal, or fruit… or i could make you something? eggs? pancakes?”

“thank you, really,” yoongi says quietly, “cereal is fine.”

 

-

 

seokjin has somehow managed to integrate himself into yoongi's life. he's not pushy or anything, but he becomes a second constant presence along with jungkook. yoongi was definitely not expecting it, but he appreciates it. it's funny how things happen, sometimes.

 

he is fine, most of the time. he is.

seokjin makes him better.

yoongi hadn't realised how lonely he truly was until seokjin came along. it was nice, having a friend. someone to distract his mind from his thoughts. he'd been so intent on keeping everything to himself before, because it wasn't worth troubling anyone else anyway, but now. it's not like he used seokjin as a personal therapist, but having someone there helps. someone who doesn’t disappear once classes are finished. someone who so willingly listens, someone who makes terrible jokes and has the most hilarious laugh and is so caring and seems to understand.

yoongi hadn't realised how much just having someone else there helps, how much it lifts his mood. someone who he isn't stupidly in love with.

 

god, he's so stupid.

 

yoongi distances himself a little from jungkook, too. or, as much as he can while living with him. just enough so that he can learn that he's okay without jungkook. he is. so he can learn to be near jungkook without hurting. so he can still be friends with him. he starts seeing the university counsellor as per jungkook's suggestion. it's hard. he doesn't know why he feels the way he feels about so much. he doesn't know if seeing the counsellor is helping. he doesn't know, he doesn't know, he doesn't know. he still can't shake the feeling that it's all his fault, because he's weak and dumb and pathetic. he's ruining his own life over what, a crush? he should just put it behind him and carry on with his life. so what, jungkook doesn't want to kiss him like yoongi wants to. so what? he's still his friend, right?

so why is yoongi not doing that. why does he keep obsessing over his feelings and letting it take over his life and his thoughts and his mind. why is he letting himself lose sleep over it. why can't he sleep. why can't he concentrate. why can't he focus on anything. why why why. it's not like he's suffered emotional or physical abuse or has mental illnesses and it's not like he doesn't have anything or anyone, so why is he this unable to function? because you're pathetic. everyone's better than you. you're just weak.

yoongi shakes the thoughts out of his head. he's trying. he's trying. he wishes he didn't make jungkook sad. he had been so happy, so in love, and yoongi had to go and ruin that by making him worry about him.

 

so he’s trying. for jungkook and for himself. he's trying.

 

he’s trying.